An: TW: emotion blocking, religious cults, shunning, homophobia, death, death of a baby, mass suicide/genocide mentions
Also I will go feral if someone starts counting how many times I use the word wonderful.
A Year Later
Dear Anthony,
How are you? I wonder about your well-being all the time. You fill my dreams. I miss you. I know thinking about you is bad, but I can't help but let you flood my mind. I can't get your face out of my head. Anthony, I miss you. I always will.
-Azira Phale
Azira folded up the paper and threw it in the fire. This is what he had to do to get himself from thinking about Anthony. It seemed desperate. He didn't know if he was desperate to forget about Anthony or desperate to have him back.
He had duties though that don't involve Anthony. He had prayers to pray, flowers to lay and a grave to dig. Last night the girl who he was set with for the season gave birth. Early that morning the baby passed.
Azira felt bad about the situation. That's because he was blaming it on himself.
"Maybe if I was better," he sighed, "Or if I hadn't been such a sinner. Maybe if I was more pure, I would have been allowed to guide a child... I'll have to try again. Two months until I can. Only two months... But do I want to? What if this happens again? The first time wasn't a very enjoyable experience either. Oh I can't take this!"
Little did Azira know, that miles away Anthony was missing him just as much.
"I'm going to save you, Azira. You'll be alright. I'll save you."
Beezy said, "You're still obsessed with him. I thought you were working on not."
Anthony continued to look down at the picture of Azira. He sighed, "I was. It isn't worth it. Not when Azira may still be suffering."
"You know, he doesn't even know he's suffering."
"But still, once he does know-"
Beezy said, "He's not going to know unless he's shunned. He was born into it. He doesn't know an outside world like we do."
"But Beezy, they believe the world ends in four months exactly! Azira is going to die! Just like everyone else he'll take the cyanide and just like poof stop breathing!"
Beezy grabbed Anthony's shoulders and shouted, "Just forget about him damnit Anthony!"
"It's not that simple. It's just not like that. I love him still. I love him more than anything. Being away from him makes me only realize I love him even more!" Anthony cried. This made Beezy annoyed, prompting them to walk out of the room, leaving Anthony alone to cry. He cried for hours.
Tuesday
Gabriel asked, "Azira, would you like to give a suggestion for today's Bible Discussion and Study Meeting?"
Azira said, "My new born son died yesterday. I am in a temporary state of mourning. The verse that has comforted me is Matthew 5:4. It says 'Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted,' which I believe we can all relate to right now. We are all mourning right now, over the baby, but we are also blessed. We are blessed because we are loved. In four months, I will join my son and the child my lady will be pretty with and my lady in the most joyful place. We will go on. It will be wonderful."
Everyone in the room clapped. Some had tears rolling down their cheeks.
Gabriel said, "That was beautiful, Azira. It's a wonderful reminder that even in our times of sorrow the Lord is with us."
"He is," Azira said with a smile, "And always will be. It's so wonderful!"
"The Lord works in wonderful ways. He saved your son from this sinful world. We are allowed to be saved. We're just going to try to make it a little better," Gabriel sighed with joy. He patted Azira on the back, "Which we have. We do so much good. All of it is wonderful."
"All of it."
People in the room clapped. The meeting continued on. While it happened, they ate McDonald's.
At the same time, Anthony was eating Burger King, which is McDonald's biggest competition.
"We could call the police on them, Beezy," Anthony suggested.
"And tell the police what?" Beezy asked.
Anthony responded, "Like that they're going to all die. Also... We'll think of something. I'm not completely sure of anything bad that they're doing. I mean they denied to care for us after we we're shunned. That's obviously not right. Is it too late to call the police on that?"
Beezy sighed, "What proof do you have that they're all going to kill themselves?"
"They said they would."
Beezy shook their head. "That ain't good enough Anthony. I can guarantee that no cops are going to get into the compound. That's where all of them are going to go. They'll lock themselves in the mega basement of the church, sniffle and cry, then read their Bibles, and then die. They probably are already planning ahead in case someone calls."
"You're right. Maybe we could do something? Bust in there? Scream what it's like on the outside world? Rescue Azira!"
Beezy said, "Maybe ignorant ones will listen. They won't trust us though."
"We could kidnap a few and show them the outside world."
"Yes, and I'm sure the rest of the group would kidnap us and kill us."
Anthony sighed sadly. He felt stuck. He just knew he couldn't live with himself if Azira was going to die with everyone else. He just couldn't. It made him sick to his stomach to think about. He didn't finish eating because of this.
Wednesday
Azira bowed his head and closed his eyes. His hands were gently folded. "My time of mourning is over. You have been with me the whole time. I thank you. Soon I will be with you and my son. Please keep him well until then. I trust you, as do we all, to care for the little children until we can come. In your name I pray. Amen."
Azira opened his eyes and looked up. He then walked out of the empty nursery. He locked the door, with intention on not going back in ever again. After making sure the door was secure and locked, he went and ate breakfast. He had a preference for Fruit Loops in the mornings.
He ate alone. Everything was quiet in the house. That felt wrong. He wanted company. Anthony would have been good company if he weren't a deadly sinner. Deep inside Azira knew he was just as much of a sinner.
He was suddenly thankful to even be where he was. He didn't know why Anthony didn't mention him. Perhaps it was because they were friends. Azira knew he only claimed that he didn't know Anthony was doing homosexual actions because it would be unacceptable for him to know such a thing and not have reported it in the first place. This made him think he should admit himself, but then he remembered he was different. He was better now.
But he knew he could never forget the way Anthony made him feel. There was something beautiful about Anthony's soft touches, the gentle whispers, and the overwhelming feeling of their shared biggest sin.
"Like honey spilling from the mouth of a serpent," Azira mumbled, "So sweet but so deadly."
He continued eating, and tried to push Anthony's memory away once again.
After breakfast Azira cleaned up the dishes in the sink. Following that he took a shower, brushed his teeth, and got dressed. He then wrote a letter to Anthony.
Dear Anthony,
I miss you so bad. This morning I thought about the way I felt when you touched me. It was a good feeling, but a bad act. I wonder why you didn't snitch on me. I wonder why you had to say anything about yourself. Why did you tell the group you wanted to participate in homosexual acts. You could have kept it a secret and we could have saved ourselves. I like to believe I've saved myself. Perhaps you're out there, and I hope you're alright, even if you are a deadly sinner, you lusty boy. You tried to drag me down with you. I forgive you though. I have found it in my heart to be able to do that. I now need to find a place in my heart to be able to let you go. Goodbye, Anthony, I miss you.
-Azira Phale
He then burnt that letter immediately after writing it. Tears were rolling down his cheeks, which was unacceptable. He walked into the bathroom and looked at himself. "Azira, you're-... You're not a pansy! You don't cry! Stop crying! Dry it up!"
He wiped away his tears with the sleeve of his sweater. Soon enough his face was dry, but it was red. There was nothing he could do about his red tear stained cheeks. All he could do was let himself ache. Inside he was also aching. His chest hurt and so did his head.
He drank herbal tea and read his Bible to try to make the pain go away, which of course, it didn't. Around noon he took a nap. At one he woke up, and cleaned up a little for church. He left at two.
Wednesday nights were always his favorite. That's when they had cookies and listened to Gabriel preach. Gabriel was the leader's son, so of course he got to be in charge of lots of things. He was a wonderful leader too.
Listening to Gabriel speak made Azira feel clean and relieved. He felt something good swell up inside him every time he went to church. It was like everything wonderful poured inside him until he was completely full. Listening to the words made sure everything wonderful stayed clean. This led him to admire Gabriel even more.
After the sermon ended Azira went to Gabriel. "That was wonderful! You did so good!" Azira said with joy.
Gabriel said, "Thank you, Azira. I wanted to talk to you about something. Would you like to help plan our departure further than what the group has already helped with?"
Azira clasped his hands together and said, "That would be an honor, Gabriel."
"Well down stairs in the meeting room we're going to be discussing it. Why don't you come on down?"
They then went on down stairs. Azira, Gabriel, Gabriel's dad and all the Elder Guards were sitting around a table.
"I suppose we're all here now," Gabriel said, "Including our new help, Azira. He's a very holy friend. He can offer us some wonderful help."
The people around the table clapped for a few seconds. Gabriel's dad then said, "I believe we should start. So, we will be leaving March 15. That's four months from now. We will get the cyanide three months from now."
Gabriel asked, "What are we going to intake the poison with?"
Gabriel's father said, "I haven't put thought into that yet."
Azira suggested, "What about honey?"
Gabriel's father said, "Honey it will be then."
One of the Elder Guards asked, "When are we going to get the clothes?"
Gabriel's father responded, "Lisa Dowe is on it. Her daughters and her are sewing the gowns."
Gabriel asked, "Do we have enough cots for everyone?"
"Yes, we do, son."
Another Elder Guard said, "We need to start getting the people to an ideal shape. Not too skinny, but certainly not fat. We already have each diet specifically planned."
Gabriel patted Azira's back and said, "You're going to have to get into shape again, Az. Don't worry you can run with me in the mornings. It will be wonderful."
The meeting continued on as normal. Discussions over the end, the new beginning, and the exit. It was more than Azira had ever heard before. It made him feel special.
For once in his life he was important to someone besides Anthony.