Matty
I don't really know what to do at this point, I couldn't hold back the anger much longer. How could anyone do something like this? It's not right, it's not okay. Especially when Alyssa has made it so clear she isn't interested in him but somehow he thinks it's okay to keep pushing her to the point of forcing himself on her. I'm so privileged to not have to deal with that stuff to the same capacity, I can't imagine how scary it is for women to have these fears and then it becomes a reality. The world is so messed up.
I looked over at her sleeping body, she looked angelic but the harsh reality behind those eyes would be something that would haunt me. The moment she looked at me and I could just tell what she was going to say, she didn't even need to say it out loud for me to know. Her eyes said it all. The anger it ignited in me is something I'll never be able to forget, she didn't deserve this. No one did.
She rolled over onto her side facing me, pulling the covers off her body. I looked at her sleeping figure and it hurt me to notice the bruises now forming on her thighs. They weren't as noticeable last night but it's not as though I was looking for anything like that. A pang of hurt shot through me, this just didn't feel right. The sudden urge to protect her was all I felt, I don't understand why though... I've only known her for 2 weeks but for some reason I just had a special place in my heart for her.
She mumbled something in her sleep and screwed her face up, clearly dreaming about something unsettling. I hope it isn't too bad because she doesn't need anymore fuel to the nightmare she lived last night. The only saving grace for her today is that she doesn't have to go to work for 2 days now.
I decided it was probably best to try and get some form of sleep since the thoughts swirling around my head had kept me awake all night basically. It's hard to shut that off because it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel like I should get to forget about it when she probably never will. She's never going to trust anyone again. All she deserves in the world is some happiness and to be treated well.
Eventually I drifted off to sleep, it wasn't peaceful. My dreams were filled with screaming and blood. I didn't understand why, my demons had been at bay recently. Maybe this whole ordeal reignited some trauma to surface.
I groggily opened my eyes and rubbed the sleep out of them, when I looked over to the side of the bed that Alyssa occupied I noticed it was empty. It hit me a little too hard to see the bed empty but maybe she needed to go and get something. I looked over towards the light coming in from the window and that's when I noticed her sitting on the window ledge, one leg was dangling down but the other was propped up with her chin leaning on top of it. The window was opening and she was smoking and staring out into the London morning.
I leaned on my elbows and watched her for a second, feeling slightly creepy at how much I was staring. She'd probably think I'm a right weirdo if she knew how much I do stare. I can't really help it though, there's something about her that keeps my eyes drawn to her.
She lifted her hand to her lips and inhaled the smoke from the fag, without hesitation she blew the smoke back out of her mouth and closed her eyes. She looked as though she'd been crying again. I don't blame her.
Her eyes darted over to where I was lying in bed and she frowned, realising that I was awake. "Did I wake you?" Her soft voice cracked a little. I sat up properly and shook my head.
"No, I woke up on my own." I told her, my voice was husky due to sleep and alcohol. She smiled weakly at me and then turned her head again to look outside.
"It's feeling a lot more like autumn now, the leaves are falling." She said softly, her eyes danced over the view she could see but I wasn't able to. I don't think she truly understands herself how beautiful she is.
I climbed out of bed and stretched. She glanced at me and then back outside, I walked over to where she was sitting and sat across from her on the ledge. "Did you sleep much?" I asked her. I know she didn't but I wanted to give her the opportunity to talk to me.
"No, not really. I did try but I kept waking up." She replied with a soft tone in her voice. She picked up the packet of fags and looked at them. "I stole these from your pocket sorry, I smoked all mine." She looked guilty, her head rose up again and she handed them out to me. I took one out of the packet and grabbed the lighter next to her foot.
"It's okay, you probably need them more than me right now." I told her, she smiled at that and took another from the pack having finished her previous one. I lit mine and handed her the lighter. The nicotine hit me like a ton of bricks, I didn't realised how much I needed it. Sometimes the first fag of the day really hits different.
"Thank you for staying last night, I just didn't want to be alone." She mumbled, looking out the window and flicking her ash outside. I followed her gaze to the park outside the flat and sighed. She looked so broken and in the moment I wish I could do anything to fix it. There's nothing though, nothing I can do to put back the pieces that he ripped from her.
"It's no problem at all Lys, I wouldn't have wanted you to feel alone after something like that." I told her. She looked at me with such dread in her eyes.
"I don't know what to do, he knows where I live." Her voice was laced with fear and dread. "I'm gonna have to move but I also don't want to leave my flatmate. I've been with her for so long and living on my own will just be too dreadful."
"You don't have to move." I said softly.
"I can't risk him coming back here." She snapped. I didn't take it personally, I understand why she felt like this. An idea struck me though, maybe it would be a bad one to suggest but at the end of the day it's all I have to offer.
"I have a spare room at mines..." I said softly, she looked at me with furrowed eyebrows. "I know it sounds a bit much but hear me out, you could move in for a bit until you get things figured out. I'm out a lot and when touring comes around you'll have a lot of time and space to yourself." I continued.
"You live in a very expensive area Matty, I couldn't afford the rent." She frowned.
"I'm not gonna make you pay half or anything, I can afford it all on my own. Just pay me what you do now to stay here or something. I don't care honestly. I'd rather have piece of mind that you aren't on edge and fearing the worst all the time." I explained to her. She looked away and closed her eyes. "Think about it at least. It's an offer for you and only you, I wouldn't want you to feel trapped here."
"I appreciate that Matty." She finally looked at me.
"You can stay as long as you want, do as you please. I'm very easy going. I'm shit at cooking though." She laughed at that one.
"It's fine." She whispered. "Okay, maybe for a bit I could do that until I'm a little more comfortable and can afford to live on my own." She finished off her fag. "It's gonna be a bit difficult but if you're cool with it."
"I've never lived with a girl before." I told her, she grinned at that.
"I'm kinda shocked, why not?" She asked.
"I lived with George as soon as I could move out then as soon as I got the money to live alone, I just did. No particular reason." I shrugged. "There are some ground rules though; I like to throw parties sometimes and you'll have to help me provide wine for the cupboard because from the looks of it we both drink it like it's water."
"I can agree to that." She smiled.
"Good." I returned her smile. "When do you want to move in then?"
"As soon as possible really, I think if I stay here much longer the anxiety and fear will take over and I'll never be able to leave." She sounded more panicked than before, it broke my heart a little.
"Then we best get started." I said clapping my hands together. She raised her eyebrows at me.
"What? Right now?" She asked.
"Yeah, why not?" I shrugged.
"Fuck... at least ask me to dinner first before whisking me off to your flat to live." She chuckled. It was nice to finally see her laugh again, at least one that didn't seem to be a shield for the pain she was currently feeling.
She got up off the ledge and stretched out, I couldn't help but look at the marks and bruises on her thighs. They looked so bad, I don't think she even noticed how bad they were. Before she could notice me staring though, I looked away and smiled to myself. At least if she's moved into the spare room I can keep an eye on her, away from him.
-
Alyssa
Maybe I'm mad for agreeing to move into Matty's flat. I barely knew him after all. I just couldn't stay here though, the fear that Lax would come back here was too much. What he did to me was unbearable and it was taking everything in me not to break down too much. What options do I really have? I can't tell anyone. Only Matty can know and I probably wouldn't have told him if he wasn't there.
We agreed to tell the guys in the band that my lease was up and my flatmate was moving in with her boyfriend. Matty offered me his spare room because he felt bad for me having to find a new flatmate and somewhere affordable. It probably looked worse than that but it was only to help me out of this shitty situation.
Once we got most of my things together that we could physically carry to Matty's at the moment, we left. I planned to go back tomorrow and pick up most of the other things and to speak to Kara. It would break her heart for me to leave but she would understand that right now it was for the best. I wouldn't tell her exactly why I had to move out but hopefully she be okay with it.
We took my car, that I barely ever got to use due to the fact I live in London and driving is a nightmare in London. Matty found my driving to be funny but I was stressed out. I hate driving in London.
It didn't take too long to get to his though and the second we did I felt a slight relief from the anxiety that was building up within me. Matty showed me to the room where I would now be staying, it was much bigger than my current bedroom which shocked me. It was nice though, the walls were plain white but there was a double closet with mirrors and some drawers. The window led out into a small balcony which overlooked some of the city. I looked at him with shock at how nice this place was but I'd only really saw the main areas of the flat before.
"Yeah I could never afford to live somewhere like this on my own." I laughed as I leaned on the balcony. He looked at me and smiled.
"It's okay, I like it here. It's quiet and easy to escape." He sighed. "It's home."
"I'm glad you have found somewhere to feel like home." I told him. "I haven't found that yet, London was supposed to be a new start and it hasn't really lived up to much yet." I said.
"Where are you originally from?" He asked.
"Brighton." I mumbled, his eyebrows raised and he let out a chuckle.
"That's not that bad." He told me. "I'm from outside of Manchester, bit more of a shithole." I laughed at that, I've never been that far up north.
"It's all the same. It seems we both ran away from home to find something better." I said softly, frowning a little at the thought. I looked at him but he was staring into space, thinking clearly.
"I'll let you get settled in." He stood up straight and smiled at me.
"Thanks roomie." I grinned at him, he ducked his head and smiled. I watched him go back in and leave the room, closing the door behind him. This is home for now, hopefully this doesn't bite me in the arse though.
After I got some of my things unpacked and into the closet, making things seem a little more homely I sat on the bed and and took it all in. Was this a mistake? Was I doing the right thing? I never want to feel the way I did last night because of some sleaze who couldn't keep his hands to himself.
The memories flooded back into my head, the way he looked at me sent shivers down my spine. I didn't notice how much I was crying at first, it kinda felt numb to be honest. Nothing would take this away, what he did was unspeakable. The memories felt more and more real the more they flooded into the forefront of my head. All I can think about was the screaming, trying to push him off me while Blessed with a Curse played, my hands shook as I wiped away the tears.
I needed to numb the pain.
I pulled myself up off the bed and went into the kitchen, Matty must be in his room because I didn't see him on my journey. I looked through the cupboards and found a few bottles of wine. "Well I'll have to replace it anyway." I shrugged. The bottle was full and probably the cheapest looking one. I didn't wanna take an expensive one for my breakdown.
When I got back into my room I sat down on the floor in front of the mirror and looked myself over. I looked a mess. My eyes were puffy and red. It was such an undesirable look to see, I could feel the bruises on my arms and legs pulsate. Everything hurt.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and connected it up to my speaker. I needed to drown it all out, the noise in my head was becoming unbearable. The playlist I put on shuffle came through the speaker and I closed my eyes trying to stop myself from crying even more. The music was loud but not too loud that it would become annoying for Matty or his neighbours. Miserable at Best by Mayday Parade came on and I groaned loudly. My head felt like it was spinning and I hadn't even opened the bottle of wine yet.
Which reminded me of the fact I have wine to consume. I grabbed the bottle beside me and unscrewed the cap, flipping it off and taking a big swig of the alcohol. It burned a little. The wine was definitely cheap but it would do, it's all I had.
The more I drank the more the memories seem to fade a little but not completely. By the time I got to the last few mouthfuls of the bottle I felt like my head was about to fly off. I was dizzy but not so sad anymore. The pain was there but it was numb, making me feel slightly more invisible. That's what I wanted right? To feel like I wasn't truly here.
I laid down on the ground and begun to sob, the more I cried the more I felt like I was on fire. Like the entire room around me was on fire. Flashes of memories would pop up and send me into hysterical fits of tears, I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't keep crying like this and think I'll be okay.
The hazy feeling over took me as I lay there in fits of tears, hoping I would black out soon enough and the memories would fade again.
I noticed the sun go down slowly, the darkness in the room crept in and consumed everything around me. The only slither of light left was from the moonlight. It was comforting in a way, to be in such a cloud of darkness as I drowned out the sorrows in my head.
The pain in my heart was making it almost impossible to breathe but despite feeling like I didn't want to keep on breathing, I still did.
-
Matty
I stared at the wall across from my bed, wishing I could find some way to make things better. She left her room about an hour ago but it wasn't for long. I didn't want to be annoying and go out when she did, she needed space as much as it hurt to be alone. I was too new in her life to try and be around her while she was at a breaking point.
The reason I asked her to move in was to give her the space she needed, somewhere safe and if she needed me she could ask for that help.
But that didn't take away from the fact that I could hear her sobbing over the music she was currently playing. And with every sob, another piece of my heart shattered. I just wanted to help her but what can I do without coming across as overbearing.
Nothing hurts like seeing a friend in distress and especially when it's because of someone else. Her sobs got more and more worrying though and I couldn't take it anymore. I had to go and see if she needed company.
I climbed out of bed and ran a hand through my hair, was I being too much?
I shook the thought and left the room, walking over to her door I knocked it gently. There was no answer though, which worried me slightly. I decided to just go in and have a look, maybe she wouldn't notice if I just peaked in and saw she was at least okay.
The door opened quietly and I poked my head inside, the room was in darkness and I couldn't see much. Her body was lying on the floor and her crying was louder now, despite the music playing. I noticed a bottle of wine clutched in her hands. I don't blame her for drinking, I do the same to get through pain.
I slowly walked over to her and sat down. Her eyes opened slowly and she frowned at me, a look that would surely break my heart if it wasn't already in pieces currently. "I'm here." I said softly, she closed her eyes and whimpered.
"It's too much." She cried softly. Her voice was breaking and hoarse.
"I know." I sighed. "I can't imagine what you're feeling right now but I'm here if you need to cry. I'll do whatever I can to help you."
"Why?" She looked at me, her eyes staring right into my soul.
"You don't deserve to feel so broken and beaten." I mumbled. "And lost souls usually find comfort in helping each other."
"You're not broken..." She knitted her eyebrows together. "Are you?" It felt like a dagger in the heart to have her ask.
"More than you know." I whispered, my hair fell into my eyes and I tried to push it back but it wouldn't stay in one place. She reached out her hand for me and I took it, squeezing it gently.
She closed her eyes again and I decided to lie down across from her. We were about 10 inches apart from each other but she didn't let go of my hand. Her eyes fluttered open, glossy and sad. I couldn't stop staring at them though, the more I stared the more I hoped I could somehow drain the sadness into my own body.
We stayed like that for awhile, not saying anything. She would cry every now and again, squeezing my hand more but I let her. She needed it. The more she cried the more I felt the pain in my chest, longing to just make it all better. No one deserves to feel like this.
Time passed us by as we lay on the floor, soft music was now playing in the background. Her tired eyes looked more and more lifeless as she stopped crying and just looked into nothing.
"When I was little my dad used to take me to the pier a lot when it was sunny out." She broke the silence between us. "It was the highlight of any day when he did."
"That sounds nice." I replied.
"There was the one time though, we decided to stay late. It was mid October and was dark really early. He was trying to win me a toy that I'd been trying to get all day but I really needed to go to the bathroom so I told him I'd be back." She continued. "I got lost though and somehow ended up down on the beach." She looked at me with no emotion on her face at all. "I didn't realise how late it was and how high the tide had come in until I was down there."
"What happened?" I asked, trying to encourage her to keep talking.
"I got caught up in the waves, it felt like the water was caving in on me. I didn't see it coming because it was so dark." She explained. "The water pulled me under and I couldn't breathe, it burned." She flinched a little. "I don't remember much after that, someone must've heard me screaming because I woke up in a hospital bed hours later."
"Fuck." I mumbled.
"My dad refused to take me back, I wanted to go back but he wouldn't let me." She sniffled a little. "That didn't hurt even half as much as this does though and that's what scares me."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"I don't fear dying, it's living with the memories that fears me more. Death would be easy." She looked me straight in the eyes, I don't know why it hurt like a thousand knives in the chest when she did but somehow I felt like I suddenly couldn't breathe.
"You have so much to live for Alyssa, I know this hurts now but over time things will get easier." I tried to reassure her. "I can't really promise anything but I do know that pain fades to the background somehow."
"But right now it burns, like everything is on fire." She whispered, her voice breaking in the process. "It feels like I'm drowning all over again but this time I'm not being pulled out from the waves."
I scooted closer to her and wrapped my arms around her body, pulling her into me. It was a bold move but maybe the comfort of another human being would help. Sometimes that's all we need in moments of weakness. She broke down again, sobbing into my chest. So I let her. I let her cry until she couldn't anymore.
Eventually she passed out and I tried to untangle myself from her and lift her up, she couldn't sleep on the floor. I placed her on the bed and tucked her in, she mumbled something I couldn't quite understand but it made me frown. Someone so perfect shouldn't be reduced to this state of mind.
I turned off the music and took one last look at her. She was so beautiful when she was asleep.