Everything was black.
But only for a few seconds.
As Remus sat up, rubbing his eyes, he adjusted to the light--or lack thereof, really. He saw walls. A giant pot. Dried blood smeared on his hands as well as his face (from what he could feel). He pushed himself to his feet, head throbbing. Where am I? He struggled to remember then everything unfolded like a hideous flower. Detention, Dedenne, the passageway with the pits.
Running with those others boys, that it's just a danger to them. That you'll kill them one day.
Dedenne.
You. Don't. Belong.
Her words.
I've told Albus all year you shouldn't be here.
Her fury, her hatred, her disgust.
You're not natural, you're not human!
He stepped out of the nook, seeing the great hole in the ground he had actually jumped over when he was an emotional mess. He was still an emotional mess, just less so. Or--really, felt more in control of his emotions now. He felt more present now. He wiped his hands on his trousers, blood flaking away. Yurgh.
He wanted to just curl back up and stay there forever but he knew he couldn't. He had to leave.
He returned to the nook, picking up his wand. "Lumos." It flickered then came on. He was a little surprised since he was so exhausted. His legs were a bit shaky to the point of him doubting he could make the jump back. He wiped his mouth off on his sleeve then went the other way hoping for a clean exit however soon he came across another pit, no way across. He'd have to jump. He returned to the first one because even though the second one wasn't quite as wide he had no idea if there were more beyond it.
Okay Remus, you can do it. He stared at the distance, heart pounding. What was at the bottom? What if he fell? He remembered vaguely jumping the first time, not caring if he fell or not. This time he did care. Okay, he thought again. You did it once, you can again. He backed up, trying to ignore how numb his legs felt. He began running--he jumped--and--
He landed on the other side. Hard. He crashed into the stone and tumbled away. He had smacked his elbow against the floor sending a jolt of pain through his body. Hissing softly, he rubbed the elbow, then rolled up his sleeve. His elbow had been split open, blood pouring out. Great, just what I needed. More blood. He rolled the sleeve down then got back up, trudging to the first pit, across the little bit of safe floor, then out the portrait onto the fourth floor.
It was dark. Very dark. He went down the hallway to one of the windows but the sky was overcast so he couldn't really tell easily. He searched his bones for the location of the moon however it didn't give him an exact to-the-minute location, just a general sense of there. His eyes snapped to the bit of clouds, not really sure what time it could mean since his head hurt too much to think. Late, that's about all he knew.
"Nox." He began walking down the hallway, keeping to the shadows as he headed to the Gryffindor common room. On the fifth floor he heard footsteps so he dove down a side corridor, finding a very dark place to hide out in until the footsteps faded. He still felt pretty foggy so he was very glad his wolf instincts were still on full alert. He returned to his walking but soon heard more footsteps. He hid again, waiting rather impatiently. These footsteps came close by him. He recognized them as belonging to Professor Flitwick who soon left the area. Remus went quicker now, going up to the sixth floor where he dove into hiding once more as Professor McGonagall went by. What are all the teachers doing? he wondered, curling himself into a smaller ball behind the bench. She went through a door. Remus hurried past then hid as she came out the door, going to another door, going in. What?
He nearly made it to the staircase that went up to the seventh floor before having to hide from footsteps he couldn't recognize. Once they went by he fled up the stairs. He cautiously peered down the passage leading to the Gryffindor entrance. There was a student there, lounging against the wall by the painting. Remus retreated into the shadows, waiting. The older student didn't budge. He stayed there, looking a little bored, as time passed by. The Fat Lady is there! Remus thought miserably. Why isn't he going in? He shifted his weight then ducked down as someone came by.
McGonagall again. "Mr. Slatebone, anything?"
"No, Professor," the older boy replied with a yawn.
"Well. It's nearly two--" Really? Remus thought in surprise, "--why don't you head on to bed."
"All right, thanks Professor."
He disappeared through the entrance while McGonagall began pacing back and forth for a moment then she left, hurrying past Remus's hiding spot. Once he couldn't hear her anymore he went over to the Fat Lady, whispering the password. She was half-asleep, barely giving him half a glance as she opened up. Remus slid quietly inside, hoping the older boy had gone to bed.
He had, but the common room wasn't empty. Four figures were near the fireplace. Remus started tiptoeing across the room, hoping they wouldn't see him, then realized they were his friends. Not only the Marauders but Lily as well.
What's she doing with them? He could see her face in the firelight. It looked like she had been crying. Had they done something to her? To Snape? Had they been arguing? But--they weren't even talking. Lily just stared at the fire while Sirius was pacing back and forth, running his fingers through his hair over and over. James had his elbows on his knees, watching Sirius. Peter was a lump in the corner of the couch. Remus thought he was asleep for a second but then he moved a bit, shifting his weight around as he made a miserable sort of sigh.
None of it really made sense. He hesitated, debating whether or not to just sneak up to the dorm to wash the blood away but Lily's wet face was too much.
"Lily?"
All four of them jumped at his voice, turning to look. "Remus?!" they all demanded, in various tones of surprise. Then they were running over, saying his name again. Sirius got there first, arms encircling Remus instantly, holding him close which made Remus feel very strange. Partially uncomfortable, but also he kinda liked it. It felt really good, comforting.
"Merlin, you're okay!" he said, squeezing gently, face in Remus's hair.
"M--me?" Remus asked, muffled from his face being against Sirius's chest (probably flaking blood off onto his shirt). What about Lily? She had been crying.
Then Lily was elbowing Sirius aside so she could hug Remus. "We were so worried! Where have you been?"
Remus had no idea what she was talking about. It was late but why was that cause to worry? He'd been out late before. "Um, a--around?" James hugged him too, then Peter whose eyes were a little puffy as if he had been crying earlier. "D... did something h-happen?"
All four of them just stared in silence which made him super nervous. Something big had happened. Then...
"Did something ha--?" Sirius gasped out. "Did something happen!? Bloody HELL Remus, you--you disappeared!" He grabbed Remus's shoulders, fingers digging in. "You dumb oaf! You were covered in blood and just--just disappeared! DID SOMETHING HAPPEN!?" Remus cringed back at the shouting. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" He released Remus, voice getting louder, voice breaking a bit. "ARE YOU HONEST TO MERLIN KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?! DID SOMETHING HAPPEN!?"
"I'd best go get a teacher," James said then hugged Remus one more time. "Thank Merlin you're safe," he muttered before leaving the common room.
"W-wait, the teachers were--out l-looking for me?" He couldn't wrap his head around this. It seemed so crazy. Unreal. What?
"And half the prefects," Peter said, inching closer to Remus then throwing his arms around him.
Sirius pulled him over to the couch, brow furrowed. "You looked so... weird... Merlin, you looked--" He stopped, rubbing his forehead. "You had blood all over your face. Then you just--took off running." He guided Remus into a sitting position, taking a seat right next to him, eyes locked on Remus's still-bloodied face. "We checked the hospital wing and the dorm but you weren't anywhere, so we went to McGonagall."
Lily sat on Remus's other side, arms around one of his arms. "We've been so worried. They wouldn't let us help search."
Peter couldn't sit next to him so he leaned against the back of the couch, one hand down so it could rest against Remus's shoulder. "What happened?"
Remus just sat in dazed silence for a moment, unable to comprehend this. Deep down he knew it made sense. A student goes missing, everyone goes looking. But it still really confused him, and worried him. All this fuss over what he did couldn't be good. Especially since he had gone 'missing' before although he didn't think his friends had gone to McGonagall for that. This was the first time he had gone missing and the staff told.
Before he could say anything the portrait swung open again as James came through followed by Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore. Remus swallowed heavily, feeling his legs turn to jelly. I've caused so much trouble... He stood as they came over and before anyone could say anything Remus began apologizing. He hadn't meant to scare anyone, or disappear, he just--wasn't feeling well, and--and wanted to have a little cry so he went off to be alone and fell asleep, he really didn't mean to cause problems and he was so, so, so sorry. The words tripped over his tongue, stammered nonsense he wasn't sure could be understood.
McGonagall put her hands on his shoulders. "There's no need to apologize," she said firmly. "We're just very glad you're safe."
Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Miss Evans, Mr. Black, Mr. Pettigrew, Mr. Potter, why don't you four go on to bed now. I need to speak with Mr. Lupin."
None of them budged. Sirius folded his arms. "But--" he began.
Dumbledore tilted his head forward, giving him a look over his half-moon spectacles. "Mr. Black," he warned.
Sirius pressed his lips thin then squeezed Remus's shoulder. "We'll wait up," he promised before they all went up to their dorms. Lily gave him another hug before she disappeared as well.
"Boys," Dumbledore said after a moment. "All the way up."
The other Marauders--who had stopped just out of view--climbed up the rest of the stairs, grumbling to themselves. Only after the door shut did Dumbledore indicate for Remus to sit back down. He obeyed, wondering how Dumbledore had heard that faint latching sound. Probably magic. Dumbledore sat down next to him, which unnerved Remus quite a bit. He looked down at his lap, picking at the dried blood on his nails, wondering how much trouble he was in for all of this. Probably expelled. McGonagall sat in a chair nearby, remaining silent, eyes glued on him in an unreadable manner.
"Here." Dumbledore offered a damp cloth. "For your face," he added, noticing the confused expression.
Remus began wiping the blood off. Just tell me, he thought miserably, then without thinking he asked out loud, "Am I g-g-going to be expel--spelled?"
"Expelled?" Dumbledore raised his eyebrows. "Whatever for?"
"Causing s--so much t-t-trouble," Remus whispered, bowing his head low, twisting the damp cloth in his hands. "I d-d-didn't mean to. I'm s--sorry. I am, I--"
"Mr. Lupin. Remus." Dumbledore shook his head. "You are not in trouble. At all." Remus finally looked back up, heart leaping in his throat. "I want to know what happened."
Crap. Remus twisted the cloth so much some bloody water dripped down onto his jeans. "Um. I w-wasn't feeling well. I was feeling a l--little down so... I just... found somewhere qu--quiet to cry. I f--fell asleep. That's all."
"I see." Dumbledore took his glasses off, rubbing them on the corner of his robes. "Now, will you tell me what actually happened?"
Remus's eyes darted towards McGonagall then back down to his lap. "That's wh-what happened," he said rather hoarsely.
"What is the blood from?"
"I--I ran into a d--door and hurt my nose."
Dumbledore slid his glasses back on, smiling at him. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't lie to me, Mr. Lupin." Remus gulped, shrinking back. "Shall I see what happened?"
"N--no!" he yelped, one hand fluttering to his head as if that could possibly protect him from as great a Legilimens as the headmaster. "No. I--I'm not--that's--please. Please, that's all th--that happened." His voice grew shaky, as did his hands. "Please," he said again, wanting the issue to just go away.
I've told Albus all year you shouldn't be here and he won't get rid of you.
A tear rolled down his cheek as Dedenne's voice began whispering in his ear again.
You should be locked away from real people.
"Remus," Dumbledore said gently, in a similar manner as when he had questioned him about his father slapping him, "I need you to tell me what happened." Remus shook his head, closing his eyes, trying to stop the voice. "Tell me."
"P... please..."
"Tell me."
Remus let out a choking sound then he bent forward, curling into himself, unable to withstand him a second longer. "She s-s-said I w-w-was a m--monster," he sobbed into the bloody cloth. "S--said I should b--be l-l-locked away and th--that I'm g-g-g-g-going to k--kill J-James--and--and P-Pete--and--Sii-irr-riu-uusss!"
He didn't even hear McGonagall moving but she was suddenly next to him, her arms going around him protectively. He instinctively curled against her, knowing he shouldn't, she was his teacher not his mother but being in her arms felt so good and comforting, and he wound up crying into her robes which was just about the most humiliating thing a student could do. She didn't chastise him, instead she began rubbing his back, making quiet, soothing sounds.
"Professor Dedenne?" Dumbledore asked. Remus just nodded against McGonagall. "Did she use a spell against you?" He shook his head. "How did you get the blood?"
Remus slumped away from McGonagall, wiping his face off on his sleeves. "I d-d-don't know. My nose st--started bleeding. It d-does that sometimes when I--when I get really upset. Th--then I..." He clenched his teeth, not wanting to confess to scratching up his own face like a stupid animal. "I--b--banged my head against some st--stone when I c--collapsed later." He had no wounds to reveal that lie, and hoped it would be enough.
"Can you tell me everything she said? Do you know why she said this?"
Remus looked up at him, a brief heartbeat of considering just withdrawing... then everything came out. Being snapped at for using his regular handwriting, getting in more trouble for saying it wasn't fair, being told his handwriting was too messy, then him confronting her with her hatred of him which was when she exploded. He whispered out every single thing she said, feeling sicker and sicker with each word that had been seared into his brain.
"I j--just left," he said, looking down at his lap still. "I w-wasn't really... aware... I just had to go... somewhere p-private. So, I... I hid. And--and cried. And fell asleep."
"What do you mean by her hatred of you? Can you please elaborate?" Dumbledore asked.
Remus stared at him, a slight nudge of irritation by his words. "She s-said she's been g-going to you saying I should be expelled," he said, hoping he didn't sound accusing.
"She had, on occasion, suggested this," admitted Dumbledore. "It seems I was in the wrong for merely dismissing her fears. I should have paid more attention. Either way, it sounds to me like you knew before what happened tonight that she did not care for you."
"She hates me," he said, giving a sort of gasping choking sound. "She's hated me from--from the st-start." He found himself telling them about his grades, her cutting remarks, how even if he performed well she would tell him he did it wrong, how she took points away when he correctly did the green sparks. It poured out of him whether he wanted it to or not, he just couldn't keep it in any longer.
"Why did you never come to me about this before?" McGonagall asked stiffly, face paling.
He shrugged. "I d-didn't see the--the point. She... she's... my t-teacher. Besides. I mean." His voice dropped as he finished with, "Sh--she isn't wrong about me."
McGonagall drew in a sharp breath. "I happen to disagree with her opinions," she said icily as her body tensed. "Albus--"
Professor Dumbledore held up a hand. "Is there anything else to this story, Mr. Lupin?"
"N--not that I c-can think of."
Dumbledore reached over, a finger under Remus's chin, forcing him to look him dead in the eyes. After a few seconds he nodded then stood up. Remus had the distinct feeling that Dumbledore had gone into his head. "Thank you for telling me everything. I do wish you would have come to us sooner, and if a member of staff ever--ever--gives you trouble... I implore you to come to me. I am very sorry this has happened. I did not expect her to be so... vehemently against werewolves." Remus flinched at the word. "You are excused from classes tomorrow. I hope you're able to get some rest."
He swept out of the common room. Once the portrait shut, McGonagall stood up. "Are you all right?" she asked softly, a hand on his head.
"I d-don't know," he admitted. "Maybe. I--it's just b-been a long day. I'm s-sorry for causing so many problems."
"As I said, I'm just glad you're all right," she said. "I don't think there is anything I can say that he didn't, just... highlight the fact if there is anything going on, Mr. Lupin, my office door is open. I am here for you, Remus."
His chest tightened. "Thank you, Professor."
"Get on to bed."
He slithered off the couch and hurried up the stairs, feeling dizzy. He wasn't even really sure what just happened. The whole conversation didn't seem real. Were they really upset? At Dedenne? Was something going to happen? It was just going to be worse now, he thought. The next few classes before they went home, and if she was back next year...
He shuddered.
He paused in front of the dorm door, knowing perfectly well they were all still awake. Spinnet was probably mad. Urgh. He didn't want to go in. Actually... He turned and went to the bathroom first, taking care of business then washing off his face properly. Putting off facing his friends. He didn't know what to tell them. He supposed he probably should have asked McGonagall for some advice there.
"Remus!"
The three of them crowded around him as soon as he went in. They were in their pajamas now, though all very wide awake. James pulled Remus onto his bed, Sirius and Peter following, shutting the curtains so they wouldn't disturb the other two.
"What happened?" Sirius demanded. "What the bloody hell is going on?"
Remus drew his knees up, hugging them tightly. "I g--got into an argument with Professor Dedenne. In detention." He pressed his chin into his arms, not looking at any of them.
"Did she curse you?" Peter asked, leaning close. "You were bleeding."
"N--no, my nose just started bleeding, th--that's all." He closed his eyes, burying his whole face now. "Dedenne was just being... unfair towards me. Said my handwriting was t--too big but it wasn't and I pointed it out." He shrugged. "That's all. I was stupidly upset after."
"Is that really all?" Sirius asked.
He finally peered up, meeting Sirius's curious gaze. "Yes," Remus lied. "That's all. I was being dumb. I fell asleep in a secret p--passage. I didn't mean to cause so much trouble. Or upset you."
James pressed his hand against Remus's back. "We're just glad you're all right. I'm not gonna lie, you scared us when you--you turned around. Your eyes were kinda... Well, you're okay that's all that matters."
Remus suspected what his eyes were kinda. "I'm sorry."
"You don't need to apologize for anything!" Sirius snapped. "Especially not for anything that that--that--that bitch caused!"
I should though, he thought, putting his face down in his arms.
You. Don't. Belong.
He shivered, feeling bile rising in his throat. She was right.
Peter hugged him tightly, cheek pressing into Remus's shoulder. "Don't do that again."
"I won't," he mumbled. "I'll t--try not to." Then he realized there was something else that needed to be said. "Sirius, I--I'm so sorry for hurting you."
"Hurting me?" Sirius looked confused. "What do you mean? I wasn't hurt, I was worried--"
"No, wh--when I--I sh--shoved you," he whimpered, not wanting to think about that but knowing he needed to. "I'm really sorry." He only dimly remembered his trip from detention hall to the fourth floor passage, though did vaguely recall pushing Sirius with more strength than a normal boy his size should have.
Sirius's hand reached out then withdrew without touching him. "You don't need to apologize, you were... you were obviously upset."
"I still shouldn't have--"
"It's fine, honestly." Now he did touch Remus, fingertips briefly brushing against Remus's shoulder. "You didn't hurt me at all."
They stayed up a bit longer then finally they were all too tired, especially the three who hadn't slept for like six hours after a total breakdown. They each hugged Remus again then went to their own beds. Remus changed into his pajamas behind his curtains then left his dirty clothes in a pile at the foot of his bed. He went under his covers but didn't really feel sleepy. He considered getting a shower--he knew how filthy he was--but that just felt like too much effort.
He lay awake, staring at the canopy above him, thinking about everything that happened. Would Dumbledore write to his parents? If they got wind of this there was no way he'd ever be able to come back. He should have told them not to tell his parents. What if they did?
You. Don't. Belong.
Locked away.
He rolled over, hugging his pillow tightly.
Perhaps I shouldn't come back.
He didn't get any sleep at all before the sun rose, and his pillow was damp from quiet tears.