"We should do something today."
We were sitting in the kitchen, eating pancakes that I had somehow found the motivation to make early on a Saturday morning, when Romeo said that.
I didn't know how many times I had heard him say those words before, but it was definitely at least as many times as Romeo brought up some crazy idea that he was going to drag me into. It had been a while since the last time I had heard it, but it was still familiar.
My mind was suddenly transported to five years ago, when "we should do something" meant feeling so much dread and just a little bit more excitement.
"What do you mean by that?" I asked cautiously.
Romeo picked up the bottle of maple-flavored high fructose corn syrup. Real maple syrup was too expensive. "I don't have anything planned, would you believe it?"
"Not for a second. What's the plan?"
Romeo laughed. "I told you, I don't have anything. We should go out, though. There's no fun in spending all day inside." He proceeded to dump half of the syrup bottle onto a single pancake.
"That looks unhealthy," I commented as I watched Romeo spoon syrup straight into his mouth. Romeo glared at me. "You're unhealthy." Buying the syrup was a mistake.
"I want to bring Jani coffee," I said. "She's working all day today. Can we do that first? Then we can do whatever you want for the rest of the day."
Romeo nodded. "Yeah. She works at that
restaurant, right?"
"Yeah."
I hadn't seen Jani since our kind-of-date, which had been earlier this week. We hadn't talked about whether that day meant anything, but we had been texting every day. Last night, she had complained about having to work the entire day today, so I wanted to surprise her with coffee. It was a boyfriend thing to do, but we weren't really dating, so hopefully, it wouldn't be awkward.
"There's a coffee place just down the street from there," Romeo said. "We can pick up a drink, drop it off, and then commence with today's activities, which I've decided two seconds ago will be a chicken nugget tour."
"What?"
"We'll go to all the fast food places in town, order chicken nuggets there, and eat all of them as we go," Romeo explained like this was a normal Saturday activity.
I rolled my eyes. "Okay, sure. Just so we're clear, your idea is completely stupid, and I'm only agreeing to humor you."
Romeo grinned. "That pretty much sums up our entire relationship. You think my lack of sanity is endearing."
Bold statement. He wasn't wrong, though.
"I think that if chicken nuggets are all we eat today, we're going to feel terrible," I said.
Romeo ignored me and spooned more syrup into his mouth.
I finished breakfast, and Romeo finished his syrup. Then, he took our plates to the kitchen and set them by the sink. I grabbed my wallet and my copy of the apartment key from the counter.
"Ready to go?" he asked.
I nodded.
We headed out the door and rode the elevator down to the first floor. It occurred to me that this was the first time we had taken the elevator down together. Romeo always left before I did in the morning, usually even before I woke up. Other than our evenings in front of the TV where at least one of us would fall asleep, we hadn't spent any time together this week. Sometime recently, we had somehow changed our dynamic. We didn't have the same types of conversations that we had when we were in a car all day. Ever since we got here, things had been different. It wasn't a big change, but it was there. I wondered if he had gotten bored of having me around. Maybe he just wanted to be alone now, but we had gotten too far for him to kick me out. I wanted to ask him what he thought, and I would if I could find a way to do it.
We got into Romeo's car, and he drove. Going somewhere together was another thing that we hadn't done since we moved into the apartment. Romeo let me pick the music. We bought coffee for Jani and bottles of orange juice for ourselves.
"Do you want me to go inside with you?" Romeo asked me when we were parked in front of Jani's restaurant.
"If you want to," I said.
"I'll stay here," he decided. "Don't take too long."
"I won't."
I walked into the restaurant, coffee in hand. I was relieved to see that there weren't many people here at all because it meant that I wouldn't be bothering Jani while she was doing her job. I saw her sitting behind the counter, staring down into her lap. When I got closer, I saw that she was reading a book. I cleared my throat.
Her head shot up, and her eyes searched our surroundings before they landed on me.
"Hey," she said. "Dine in or carryout?"
"Neither." I held up the coffee. "Just bringing you this."
Jani walked around the counter so that she was in front of me, and she took the cup from me. "What's the occasion?"
"The fact that you're working twelve hours today and the kindness of my heart. And Romeo's, I guess. He drove me here."
"You guys are saviors," Jani said. "I'll be dreading the next few hours a little less now."
"Glad we could help. Speaking of help, guess who said no to owning a hot pink car?"
Jani made a face. "Some people just have no taste, you know? It's alright, bad choices are made sometimes. Am I keeping you? Sorry, you should go if you need to."
"We should—" I cut myself off. Hang out sometime? Go on another date? I wasn't sure what to call anything.
Jani got the idea. "I have a few days off next week. I'll send you my schedule."
"Okay."
Outside, Romeo honked his car horn impatiently.
"That's my cue to go," I said to Jani, grateful that this exchange hadn't been as weird as it could have been. "Have fun working."
"I will," she replied. "Thanks for the coffee." She hesitantly kissed my cheek, which left us both a little flustered. I wondered if I should be concerned that such a little thing sent my brain reeling like that.
Romeo definitely saw it happen, but he didn't say anything about it. He didn't say anything at all, which made me wonder if he thought I was pushing him away. That made me wonder if I was unintentionally doing it because I subconsciously decided that I had to give up on him and spend myself on someone who clearly seemed interested in me. But it wasn't that Romeo disregarded me completely. He was just always occupied by work and writing and not... me. Maybe it was selfish to expect him to focus on me.
"What are you thinking about?" Romeo asked to break the silence.
"You," I said.
"Any particular reason?"
"Because you're sitting next to me, and you're not talking to me." It sounded stupid, but the thought was honest.
Romeo was frowning. "I don't know what to talk about, sorry."
That hurt more than I wanted it to. It wasn't a direct insult, but it was an implication that something went wrong because we used to be better than this. We used to never run out of things to talk about.
"It's different," I said. "Have you noticed that? Everything's different."
"Yeah."
That was one question answered. I wasn't going crazy; at least, not in this sense.
"When do you think it happened?" Romeo asked.
I sucked in a breath and let it out quickly. "The night that we found out about Shawna."
I hadn't said her name out loud since that night. I braced myself for a sting, but it wasn't as sharp as I thought it would be. Maybe I had really moved on. Was it too soon?
Romeo thought for a second before posing the next question. "Should we talk about it?"
"Yeah," I said. "Let's talk about it."
Romeo pulled over and parked on the side of the street. He handed me a few quarters to put into the parking meter.
"I need to be honest about a few things," Romeo said. "The article actually came out the day before. I saw the title, but I didn't read it because I didn't think it would be anyone important. While we were at dinner that night, I turned on my phone to show you something, and it was open to the article. I was just going to skim it, but then I realized who it was about."
We could have known sooner. Would that have been good? Probably not.
"The other thing," Romeo continued, "is that she and I talked while you and I didn't. We weren't friends, though, because I stopped talking to you, and that made you sad, so she hated me for it. Rightfully so, I guess, but I didn't think she would care about why, and I didn't want her to start any rumors. I didn't know if she'd do that."
"I can't say." I had a feeling that what happened during the years that Romeo and I didn't talk was still an off-limits topic, but I decided to ask about it anyway.
"Why did you stop talking to me?" Romeo offered a tight smile. "Terror." Yeah, that was a very clear answer.
"So you wouldn't talk to me, and you talked to her when you knew that she could easily punch your face in? Why?"
"I saw you all the time," Romeo said. "Sometimes, you looked really sad and tired, and I'd tell her to be nice to you and make sure that you were okay." "That—that's sweet of you. I didn't think you thought of me at all. Did you care about me? How was I supposed to know?"
"I fully intended to never talk to you again," he admitted. "And then by the time I was ready to, I didn't know how to start. I would have had to explain everything, and after how terrible I was to you, how was I supposed to know that you wouldn't tell everyone?"
I wished he would stop being so vague and just tell me the entire story. Didn't I deserve to know? I wasn't sure.
"Can you tell me now?"
Romeo shifted his gaze up to the car roof. "I want to. I don't know if it'll change anything if I do. Actually, no, I know for sure things will change. I don't know if I'll like it. I'm still scared, I guess. Not sure if I'll ever stop being scared. No-balls syndrome."
Romeo Zaveri, no balls? More likely than I thought. I could only imagine the courage it had taken for him to admit that.
"Thank you," he said. "I'm so glad you're here with me right now."
It used to be that whenever Romeo said something like that, I would analyze it until I wasn't sure what the original words were anymore. Now, I didn't care. Yes, I was grateful to be here too, but he had better be more grateful. I left everything for him, I lost my best friend for him, and I was currently in the process of losing him. Was that what we were doing now? Desperately trying to fix whatever rift was between us?
"While you're confessing things," I said, "Are you gonna admit to reading my diary?"
"I guess so. Are you mad about that?"
I shook my head. "I was the one who left it open everywhere. It was pretty much an invitation. There isn't anything that I didn't want you to know. Just don't believe everything because I misinterpret my own feelings sometimes."
It didn't bother me that Romeo knew everything and I didn't even know half of his story. There was no point in getting anything out of him if he didn't want to share.
"I'm almost done with my book," Romeo said. "You can read it when it's done. Then, I'll answer every question that you still have."
"What did you write about?" I asked. We hadn't been on that much of a crazy journey. Sure, leaving home and living somewhere else had been cool, but how exciting of a story did that make?
"Just, like, everything that's happened in the past month. With some backstories to explain why certain things happened and why certain choices were made. Not exactly what you'd call exciting, but definitely interesting, I think." He nodded. "You're gonna understand. Hopefully."
So, I asked the next question. "Do you feel like you're losing me?"
Romeo was still smiling, but he looked sad. "What if I do, and the book is my last-ditch attempt to hold onto you?"
I leaned over and hugged him. I was relieved when he wrapped his arms around me too.
"Don't let go," he whispered.
"Metaphorically or literally?" I whispered back.
His arms tightened. "I love you."
How long had it been since the last time he said that to me? At least three years. We used to toss that phrase around casually, even jokingly at times, because it had been an understood fact. Very few times had we actually said it out loud seriously. "You're gonna make me cry," I warned.
"Not like I haven't seen that one before."
I laughed. "I love you too. You know that."
"Enough to eat fifty chicken nuggets today?"
"Barely."
♥ ♥ ♥
Hey, Romeo. Since I got the confirmation that you read my diary, this entry is addressed to you.
As I'm writing this, you're asleep next to me, in your room. We were just talking about random memories from years ago, and you had your laptop open to your story, ready to strike the keys when inspiration struck you. Then, all of a sudden, you weren't awake anymore, and you fell over like a logged tree. I guess exhaustion took you out. It's been a long day.
I had a lot of fun today. I loved getting to spend the entire day with you doing something that didn't mean anything, just like old times. Old times, such a funny phrase. We were young in old times. I really liked spending time with you, even if I hated what we were doing. I'm never going to be able to look at another chicken nugget again.
I guess I should talk about our heart-to-heart. I appreciated it. I feel like I know you better, if that's possible. I feel like I'm a little closer to understanding you. That's a good thing, I hope? I still think you're hiding from me, but that's your business. Unless it has to do with me. Then you should tell me. But I know you won't.
The truth is, Romeo, I'm so confused. I thought I was finally figuring things out. I thought I liked Jani, and that we were going to start dating again, for real this time. Full disclosure, she and I kissed on that day we met up for lunch. I felt something between us. But then today happened, and I remembered that there's something between you and me too. I remembered all that you've ever made me feel, and I totally forgot about Jani. Maybe, after all these years, it's still you. That would be crazy, but then again, so are we.
I'm hoping you don't read this, but it's okay if you do. There isn't much here that you don't already know. I'm going to finish this thought, tuck you in, and go back to my own room. Goodnight, sweet dreams, and sending you all the love.