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Ever since he returned home, the recurring dream of Se Ri standing on the Sigriswil, Panorama bridge kept him from falling asleep.
Tonight, he fought sleep, when the jolt from her stretched arm slipping away from his was much to bear.
Closing his eyes, he ran his fingers through his hair. The tears had stopped after the first night, but the emptiness remained. During such moments of duress, he found sanctuary at his bookshelf, as he gazed at the titles that she'd arranged to say 'I love you Ri Jeyong Hyuk." When wakefulness was a torment, and sleep was not an option either, he decided to read.
Picking up an old challenge from his school days, he settled back in bed. Possession by A.S. Byatt had been a tough read for him then between Piano lessons and lit classes. Over the years the book had become something of a test of his focus. He could never get past few pages in one sitting when Byatt's words outlined a fervency he was unfamiliar with.
However, as he traced a finger over the lines that had ever held a draw but never sunk into him, Jeyong Hyuk felt a stillness grow in him.
"I cannot let you burn me up, nor can I resist you. No mere human can stand in a fire and not be consumed."
He read it again sensing an odd familiarity build up. Somehow it defined the constant heat that surfaced in his chest, every time he took her name. Yoon Se Ri.
It was clear then that the sentiment was permanent, a fire that would consume him forever.
The last of his qualms thawed. Over the course of the next few nights, he finished the book.
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"Do you know what you are getting into?" His father threw the application down onto the table. "The party steps are meant for men with ambitions; men who can live with depravity."
Turning away from the window, Jyeong Hyuk, returned to the dining chair next to his father. "I have ambitions too, abeonim. Just that my motivations are different."
"To work for the Central Military Commission is to have all eyes on you." His father appeared troubled now.
"You said I should learn to disappear," he paused, recollecting their conversation from the first night he'd returned from the escapade. "Hiding in plain sight is disappearing too, abeonim"
Director Ri trained his eyes on him, studying the calmness that his son emanated. "Even I won't be able to save you if anything were to go wrong, Jyeong Hyuk. The General Political Bureau works for the Central Military Commission. Not the other way around."
"But blood is thicker than water, isn't it, abeonim?" He carefully attempted to suppress the anxiety that was beginning to creep into his voice as he broached his father's old wounds. "I'm still Uncle Ri's favorite nephew, even if you don't see him as your brother. I want you to call in a favor."
General Ri Myeong Su, was the current Chief of General Staff and also held many other party positions in the Central Military Commission. Though the Ri brothers had fallen out over party policy, the families had remained in touch. With General Ri's son's death at an early age from a mystery illness, he'd taken to Ri Jyeong Hyuk and treated him no less than a son.
His father held his silence for a while; the small tap of his finger over the chair handle anchored to the thoughts he would never reveal to his son.
Director Ri sighed with a loud exhale and rested his head back. "There cannot be any mistakes, Jyeong Hyuk," he announced with resignation. "Moving to the CMC will help avert today's crisis. All those who want to bring me down, by using you won't be able to touch you in the CMC. That said, you are on your own after that."
"When I went past the DMZ, I didn't think ten steps ahead." He dismissed the pooling regret. Many things had gone wrong and would have ended lives had lady luck not been on his side. For the journey forward, he needed more than luck. "Entering the CMC under Uncle Ri will teach me to stay ahead of others. Perhaps then you won't have to watch out for me, abeonim."
His father shook his head, finally giving in to a display of worry. "I know this is about Yoon Se Ri, but I don't know if your moves are in the right direction."
He smiled at the sudden thought that came to his mind at the mention of her name. "A long time back, I learned that even the wrong train can take you to the right station. I want to try getting on one first." His response was vague, but he believed that was enough explanation for his father who already saw through him.
His father's gaze showed understanding, but he wouldn't declare it. "I suppose your decision is final, so I won't persuade you. Anything else?" he prompted.
"There are a few more things, abeonim," he said and took the other folder he'd brought along. "I need you to help transfer, Pyo Cho Soo dongmu and Kwang Beom dongmu to Second Department*of RGB. Ju Muk dongmu and Eun-dong dongmu to Unit 180**."
His father shifted through the resumes, identifying them as the same men he'd trusted to bring his son back.
"I know they are not qualified for the Reconnaissance General Bureau, but they will learn. I've talked to them and they want to do the training," he ended hoping that his father wouldn't decline. Director Park Seong Guk, of the RGB had already helped them to cover up his recent trip outside the country as a commissioned mission. He was concerned that his father might feel it would be imposing on Director Park beyond their welcome, but Jyeong Hyuk needed his men positioned right for the long game.
He was relieved when his father nodded in assent. "Thank you, abeonim. I know I'm driven by self-interest, but I hope this is the last I will have to ask of your position."
"Well, I'm just glad that you are thinking about yourself at last." His father stood up and gave Jyeong Hyuk a consoling pat in the shoulder before leaving the room.
"I'm sorry, abeonim," he whispered, to his father's receding form.
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His omeonim who had been listening to the father-son exchange from behind the wall, slid down to the floor. Silent tears spoke for her troubled heart. Though she didn't fully understand the upper echelons of the party, she knew enough what it meant to work for the CMC. Through his uncle, General Ri Myeong Su, he would get access that only a few people in the country had, but it also meant paying with one's life in the event of a misstep.
She closed her eyes and let out a prayer. "Please be safe my Jyeong Hyuk."
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He was a constant companion in her thoughts. It had been a week since his leaving and yet, her anguish for his safety didn't have a half-life. It didn't help when she returned home to find a well-stocked refrigerator and cabinets filled with food.
For a man who professed that he would be ok if she were to forget him one day, he didn't know how to love her sparingly, so she could let him go.
When she believed she couldn't fall any deeper or harder for him the local florist had come knocking to deliver a special order of pressed flower art of Edelweiss flowers. She let out a small smile, as the delivery woman informed her that it was arranged to be shipped from Switzerland by a handsome man. There was no note on the box, however, she could tell that he intended to leave things unsaid with this gift. The edelweiss flower was nothing akin to a rose, but the fact that he'd chosen it was enough to have her embrace the small red frame. Curious about his choice, she looked it up online the next instant.
Edelweiss meaning & symbolism: This flower signifies deep love and devotion whereby men harvest the flower on daring steeps and fatal climbs to prove love and to show occasions of devotion. The nations bound to this flower's symbol includes regions in Austria, Germany, and Switzerland.
In some form, his journey across the 38th parallel was nothing short of the dangerous expeditions that the article referred to. The tears wouldn't stop for long, as she continued to hold the frame in her lap. "Thank you, Ri Jeyong Hyuk, for loving me so," she uttered in the quiet of her home.
Upon her second read, the specificity of the regions bound to the flower's meaning dawned on her. It was hard to miss Switzerland when it held the origins of their story. Paths they had long crossed before they had learned to recognize each other. If there was a message hidden in his last gesture, then it was lost on her. Irrespective of what he had intended, she decided then that she would go back every year to the place he'd unknowingly given her hope to live again. Even if this flower wasn't an invitation from him, she chose the pilgrimage to renew her promises to him - to keep on living like they would meet the next day.
As evening came, she was spent thinking about ways to reach him. Seated at her desk, she swiveled around in desperation wondering if he had left any clues for her.
Despite knowing that there was no means for her to contact him, she resorted to reviewing the browser history from the time he had used the system. Save for the searches related to rings and directions to get around, he'd only frequented a gaming site, which she recognized instantly.
With his credentials saved to the browser, she was able to gain entry into his account in no time. It cracked her up that he would call himself, 'Tomato.Cultivator," but it also touched her with its revelation that she meant more to him, long before he confessed his affections to her.
The login history of 'Tomato.Cultivator' showed no new sessions since the time he'd lived with her. Her frown deepened and she now held a pout.
The clock ticked away as she stared at the login history. After an eternity passed, she logged out of his account. The probability that Ri Jeong Hyuk could access anything across the border was negligible and yet she couldn't give up.
The act that followed would be inexplicable on any other day, but that moment, she had to write to him. Clicking on the link to create a new account, she landed on the sign-up form. In seconds, "Ms.Edelweiss" was online.
There was no telling if he'll ever get to read her messages and she didn't care that it was open-ended. "Ri Jyeong Hyuk," she typed. "I hope you are safe."
What began as an escape would later take form into a diary.
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*Second Department of Reconnaissance General Bureau deals with Military Intelligence Operations.
**Unit 180 is a Reconnaissance General Bureau cell specializing in cyberwarfare operations
Author's note: I hope you have already noticed that the story is beginning to shift. Hopefully that it will be to your liking... Write me a note, if so :)