After Defense on Friday, Remus disappeared into his books. He sat on the floor of the dorm with books everywhere as he went over notes, took new notes, clutched at his hair, and wondered if it would be easier to just become a feral wolf in the forest. His friends tried to convince him he'd do fine but after Remus glared at James with practically full on wolf angry eyes they decided it'd be better to leave him be.
At Study Group everyone was present, and everyone minus Silverlocke was stressed out. It was as if suddenly everyone realized this was it, the last weekend before exams. The exams that would determine whether or not they'd progress on to the second year. Deep down everyone knew they'd at least do decently well enough to pass but there was always that fear. Plus this sort of set the bar for the rest of their time at Hogwarts. After everyone returned to their common rooms Remus and Lily stayed up. They weren't the only ones: the common room was full of students studying.
Lily had made cards with various questions on them and they divided them up, shooting the questions at each other. They went through all the various subjects, going from Transfiguration to History to Potions rapidly.
"Who discovered the magical properties of moondew?" Lily asked.
"Cliodna," Remus replied immediately. "What did Hengist of Woodcroft do?"
"He's the one that founded Hogsmeade?" Remus nodded and Lily smiled, taking another card. "What is origanum dictamnus and what is its main use?"
Remus's eyes flickered to the ceiling as he thought. "That would be..." Crap, what was it? "Erm... oh!" He jabbed his finger in the air. "It's dittany, and healing. Name the five main stars of the constellation cassiopeia?"
"Alpha and beta," she said, rubbing her forehead. "Ummm... beta... delta... gamma... um..." She began flapping her hand as she tried to kick her brain into gear. "Epsilon!" she practically shouted, snapping her fingers. "What is Levina Monkstanley known for?"
Remus bent forward, trying to pull the name out of the depths of his memory. "Um. Um." He pressed his fingertips against his temple, closing his eyes. "Levina Monkstanley... shoot... she... did something with charms..." He took in a deep breath, beginning to smack his head, trying to shake loose the answer, feeling a tremor of panic. What if this was the most important question on one of the exams? And he couldn't remember? And failed? And then when he tried to come back his mother said 'look at this terrible grade it's pointless to go back'? The panic made it harder to remember. "Um... L--Lumos?"
"Yes." He breathed a sigh of relief, slumping down. "Remus... are you okay?"
"Yeah," he said, plucking another card from the pile. "What--"
"You started looking rather ill just a moment ago," Lily interrupted him.
He gave her a rather exasperated look. "I mean, I want to pass everything."
Lily toyed with the card in her hand. "Yeah, that's true. Sorry, I just don't want you pushing yourself. You were just in the hospital earlier this week. I got worried when you looked--well, not... very good."
"I'm fine," he promised, brushing his fringe back. "If it gets to be too much I'll lay down."
Lily smiled. "All right, then. Go on, ask me the next question."
That night Remus stayed up as late as he possibly could, doing just what he said he wouldn't, stuffing his face with chocolate in hopes it would help keep him up. He wound up passing out at around four in the morning, waking up way later than he wanted. He grumbled at himself, quickly went to the bathroom, then just climbed back into bed to resume studying, completely losing track of time until the other Marauders came in, rather concerned since he hadn't shown up for lunch.
"I didn't even notice the time," he said, rubbing his eyes.
"You missed breakfast too," James said.
Peter put a plate down. "I brought you something to eat though."
Remus smiled. "Thanks, Pete." He ate the sandwich pretty quickly as he was a lot hungrier than he realized.
James flopped down next to him. "You wanna come outside? We're going to go work on Fort Dragon some more."
"No thank you."
"You can study there," Sirius said. "You can quiz us. We can quiz you. Some sunshine will do you good."
"I was just outside yesterday for Herbology," Remus pointed out. "And we spent two hours at Fort Dragon on Thursday. Look, um, exams and all--just, let me study this weekend? Maybe?"
They all exchanged looks then relented, leaving the dorm while Remus went back to studying. He did manage to remember supper, nearly going down still in his pajamas. He got to the steps then realized, hurrying back to his dorm glad nobody saw him. He quickly threw on some clothes, filled his bag with everything he'd need, then went down to the Great Hall. He didn't see his friends anywhere--the Marauders, at least. So he sat with Lily. At least she looked as frazzled as he felt.
"Um, Lupin?" Inkwood leaned forward to look past Lily. "Your shirt's on backwards."
He changed it on the way to the library. He and Lily got there very early but Silverlocke was already there. He looked as cool and collected as always, as if nerves weren't getting to him... which they might not be. Maybe he wasn't feeling very distressed about the upcoming exams. Actually, Remus couldn't remember any time Silverlocke said he was worried or anxious. Remus felt a little jealous though supposed Silverlocke could just be panicking on the inside and was good at hiding it. Which just made Remus jealous again.
*
Sunday--the last day before the exams--was spent in his dorm. It was super rainy so the Marauders stayed in too, causing a lot of ruckus. Well, James and Sirius caused a lot of ruckus; Peter sat with Remus trying to do some last minute cramming. Sirius spongified the floor so he and James started bouncing around, crashing into things while Peter used the cards to quiz Remus which he hoped would also help Peter absorb some of the knowledge.
"I can't wait till this week is over and we get Remus back," Sirius said loudly as he stood in front of Spinnet's bed, rubbing his chin as he clearly was working out a plan. Remus rolled his eyes, not saying anything in response. "Think if I put something smelly on top of his bed--the canopy--how long till he figures it out?"
"Depends on how smelly," laughed James. "Do it."
"I wish we weren't in the same dorm though. Otherwise I'd put some fish up there but I don't want to be smelling that till he figures it out." Sirius bounced away from Spinnet's bed, crashing on to Remus's bed, against Peter, sending the cards everywhere. "Whooops! Sorry!"
Remus slid off his bed, picking up the cards. James came over to help, picking up a few cards, looking at them. "Which spell is commonly used as a cry for help?" he read with a crinkled nose.
"Vermillious," Remus replied automatically.
"Is this even going to be on the exams?" James waved the card about while using his other hand to push his glasses up the bridge of his nose in an irritated manner.
"Might be," Remus replied, having to reach under his bed for a couple of the remaining cards. "I haven't the faintest what will be covered and what won't be. I'm merely acting on the assumption that there's a chance for anything we've learned this year to be on the exams." Getting out from under the bed was awkward since the floor was spongy. Finally he got up, accepting the stack of cards James had gotten.
"Wha' ubou' e pagigal du?" Sirius asked.
Remus spun around, nearly falling over from the floor. "What?"
Sirius swallowed the large mouthful of candy he had been chewing on. "What about the practical stuff? Are you practicing that?"
"I have been, yes. You lot should be as well."
"Gonna ace the practical stuff," James said, flourishing his wand. "Who cares about the written side?"
"Are you going to be like this every year?" Sirius asked.
Remus got back on his bed, sitting cross-legged as he straightened out the cards, head ducked. Was he being annoying? "I j-just don't know what to expect. I want... everything t-to go well, that's all."
Sirius reached over, taking the cards out of his hand. Remus glared at him, rather furious, but Sirius just smirked. "What is radix ruber and what is its main purpose?"
Remus settled his hands on his knees. "Redroot. It's main purpose is used to maximize the magical properties of a variety of plants, however it cannot be used with certain potion ingredients otherwise it could cause an explosion."
"My kind've plant!" James exclaimed, still bouncing on the floor. "That sounds awesome. How come we haven't learned about it yet?"
"James, we literally learned about redroot last week," Remus said, face palming.
"Oh, well Sprout never said anything about explosions."
Remus stared at him. "We learned about it in Potions, and Slughorn most definitely warned us about the explosive properties."
"Oh. Well. Okay. Still." He shrugged then went back to bouncing. "Have we learned anything else that causes explosions? That'd be the best class. All about spells and potions that cause mayhem!" He crashed into the wardrobe between Remus and Sirius's bed, knocking a few things Sirius had put on top of wardrobe.
"You don't need spells to cause mayhem," Remus said. James just grinned back.
*
Then it was Monday morning. Remus woke up with a stomachache. He wished he actually got proper nausea so he could blame all the chocolate he had eaten over the weekend however he knew it was nerves. He barely ate any breakfast at all, going over all the Transfiguration facts he could remember since that was their first exam. They didn't have the written exams in the actual Transfiguration classroom, instead all the first years went to a very large classroom on the second floor where they were given special anti-cheat quills and anti-cheat ink. It was very hot in there and as soon as Remus sat down between James and Lily he began sweating. Lily was very nervous, leg jiggling as the students waited. This was definitely different than previous exams. So much worse.
It wasn't Professor McGonagall who led the exams but a nondescript middle-aged wizard who explained how much time they had, how to do the exams, blah-blah-blah. Then he waved his wand, the stacks of paper dividing up and going to each desk. He asked if anyone had any questions then pointed his wand in the air, summoning a smokey sort of clock.
"Begin."
All right, it wasn't that bad at all. Remus breezed through the questions, skipping the ones he couldn't do immediately then going back and doing those. A few questions were pretty difficult but overall he was done by the time the clock had gotten halfway through the time. So he went back and double-checked all his answers, then triple checked, then quadruple checked. Then he set his quill down, casting a glance around the room. James was done with his too, elbow propped up on his desk, chin in his hand as he stared out the window at the clear blue sky. On Remus's other side Lily was bent in close as she carefully wrote. Behind James Peter was frantically writing, pausing occasionally to pull at his hair. Sirius was directly behind Remus so he didn't know what he was doing but he couldn't hear writing so he figured Sirius was done too. Soon Lily set her quill down, catching Remus's eye and giving him a shaky smile. He smiled back then checked over his work one more time.
Peter was still writing when the clock finished.
"I'm failing," he moaned as they left the classroom.
Sirius immediately pulled his robes and vest off, his button-up shirt scrunching up showing some of his bare back. "That was boring!" he complained.
"How'd it go for you, Remus?" James asked, also stripping his robes and vest off, his glasses crooked.
"I hope I did well," Remus replied, taking his robes off but keeping his vest on. He was hot, but it felt weird not wearing the vest. "I had some difficulty with the differences between calculations for amphibians and reptiles however overall I think I did decently."
Sirius snorted, throwing his arm across Remus's shoulder. "You are such a nerd. And Petey, you didn't fail. You might not be getting an O but I highly doubt you failed."
"I totally failed," Peter argued. "D'you know what I put when it asked to list five spells using 'fors'?" He stopped in his tracks. "I wrote that it was a trick question cause we haven't learned how to transfigure stuff into more than one thing at once!" He went very green as the other Marauders stared at him in confusion. "I thought they meant the NUMBER FOUR!"
James and Sirius both bust up laughing while Remus covered his mouth to stop himself from following suit. "Ohhh, Petey!" James hugged him tightly then messed up his hair. "Poor Pete." He kept his arm around him, pulling him along. "I'm sure you'll do fine. Missing a few questions is no big deal."
Peter shook his head miserably. "I think I missed all of them. I think I blacked out during the test. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what happened."
Sirius let go of Remus to take a few quick steps ahead, spinning around to face them, walking backwards. "On the bright side we've got the rest of the morning free, and then we get to take our practical Defense exams. Let's go to Fort Dragon."
Halfway to the forest Remus shed his vest as well, sighing from the freedom. He ran after his friends (only tripping once) then while the others worked on the fort he stood a little ways apart to practice for Defense. He thought this was pointless, really. He knew no matter what he did Dedenne would give him a failing grade. Maybe an A.
He cast red sparks, green sparks, shield spells, and the knockback jinx until James told him if he kept that up he'd throw Remus into the lake. Remus glared at James then pulled out his book to study silently.
*
Defense Against the Dark Arts went about as well as he expected. They went into the class one by one to be tested, and when Remus did all the spells she had him do Dedenne looked like she was sucking on a lemon. He hoped the written portion would be headed by the same wizard that did Transfiguration so he wouldn't have to deal with Dedenne glaring at him the entire time.
Remus didn't go to study group that night. He wasn't sure if anyone else did either. He just hid himself in his dorms to go over notes, cards, and books.
Tuesday had written Astronomy in the morning, and written Potions in the afternoon. All done in that same way-too-hot classroom. James and Sirius were a bit less energetic after this, opting to laze next to the lake instead of working on Fort Dragon. Peter seemed as disheartened by these exams as did the previous day, angrily chucking rocks into the lake. Remus wanted to talk about the exams but when he tried all three of them complained when he tried.
"What's the point going over what we've already done?" Sirius asked. "You're just making more anxiety for yourself."
Remus scowled at that. "Am not," he muttered under his breath, opening his Herbology book to read.
"Three more days until FREEDOM!" James flopped backwards, stretching his arms and legs out. "This is agony."
"Then we'll only have two weeks before it's time to go home," said Peter rather quietly.
Nobody spoke after that, they all sorta just stared at each other. "Two months without you three," sighed Sirius. "Now that is agony."
"Except you'll be visiting," James said. "All of you better come visit. Big Marauder sleepover."
"Definitely!" Peter said.
Sirius and Remus remained silent.
Two more weeks, Remus thought as he turned back to his book. Then summer. Then... no more friends. Even though Sirius didn't suspect, Remus knew he couldn't risk it any longer. He sighed, pulling the book up so he could hide his sad face behind the pages. No more Marauders. No more pranks. No more sneaking around.
His nose began itching and he had to clench his teeth to stop from crying.
*
Remus went to Occlumency that night. Fawley had written to him asking if he wanted to since it would be during exams and he replied yes, mostly because he had missed the week before. But he was far too anxious over the exams to focus and the lesson ended in a complete failure. Fawley asked how the necklace trick went, and he told her everything he had found out including the fact Sirius hadn't ever suspected at all.
"Because he said you are a good person?" she asked and Remus nodded. "Ah."
"No one would say that about a werewolf," he pointed out. "Unless they've had t-time. Like you with your s-sister and my parents with me. Right?"
Fawley gave a small shrug. "I suppose. Most people do believe werewolves to be dumb or savage beasts. Especially the Black family. You're probably right in that."
"P...robably?" Remus frowned.
"Well." She smoothed down her skirt, tone a bit higher than normal. "There is a chance he started suspecting a long time ago and has had the time to realize you are not a dumb or savage beast at all."
Remus pulled the necklace out so he could twist it around, run his finger across the etching of the closed eye. His stomach and chest were hurting again. Is that what happened? Could that be a possibility? "I c-can't think of any time where he m--might have been... seeing me in that manner." He tried to think back the entire time they had been friends. He really couldn't remember any particular point where Sirius had randomly disliked him or treated him differently.
"I wouldn't worry about it," Fawley reassured him. "You're probably right. A Black would undoubtedly view a werewolf as a horrible monster, even though that does not describe you at all."
Before he left she wished him good luck with the rest of the exams.
*
Wednesday held practical Charms where they went in one by one to do a variety of spells they had learned over the previous year. Remus panicked at one point because he couldn't remember the wand movement for the mending spell so when he tried to repair the stick it was pretty crooked.
He left the classroom hardly able to breathe. He knew he did pretty well otherwise but he just kept seeing that crooked stick, thinking it would ruin everything. He went to a bathroom to slump in a corner, covering his face, wishing the Marauders wouldn't follow him because he knew they wouldn't understand. He didn't want to tell them, to explain why he was so distressed because he thought they'd laugh at him. They sat around him, wheedling until he finally told them in a hiccuping voice what happened.
James laughed, Sirius snorted, while Peter just seemed upset because he hadn't been able to repair his stick at all.
"At first they sorta held together then the stick just... fell apart." Peter chewed on his bottom lip, twitching a little.
"You're not going to fail," James told him firmly once he finished laughing at Remus. "You'll be in the second year with us, it will be fine. I promise."
"Th--then why is he all upset about a crooked stick?"
"Because Remus is a little ball of stress and anxiety."
"Hey!" Remus complained, jerking his head up.
James smiled at him. "Well. You are. A crooked stick isn't going to give you a P. And a... errr... an un-mended stick isn't gonna keep you held back."
"When I levitated the book I got a little overly excited and the book went shooting across the room and cracked the window," Sirius confessed.
Remus slumped back, biting his fingernails. "Really?"
"Yeah Flitty looked annoyed and I thought he was gonna make me attempt the mending spell on the window but thankfully he didn't." Sirius shrugged then pat Remus's back. "I'm sure you did amazing. You always do."
They had hands on Herbology exams before lunch, all of them getting absolutely filthy from grubbing around in pots full of dirt and fertilizer, soaked in sweat to boot. The Marauders went to get a shower, missing half of lunch, then having to run to do the written part of their Defense exams which thank MERLIN was headed by the nondescript wizard so a lot of the fear Remus had was lifted and he felt like he got through the questions pretty easily, though he doubted he'd get a good grade. It depended on if Dedenne was marking them.
That night they had their practical Astronomy exam in the nice, cool night air; it was the only one any of them felt somewhat comfortable doing. Even Peter felt pretty confident after, saying he actually remembered a lot of the star names and locations.
Thursday morning held the second part of Transfiguration, then the afternoon was the worst one for Remus. Potions. It was quite hot in the dungeons--not as hot as the second floor classroom but still hot enough with all the fires going. They were making a forgetfulness potion and half the ingredients smelled awful so Remus totally mucked up the potion. He tried his best but it definitely didn't help that his nerves got the better of him and he spent ten minutes stirring the stupid potion the wrong way.
He threw up afterwards then curled up in the bathroom to cry. At least the others understood this and none of them laughed. Peter rubbed his back, telling him that he was sure the written part was probably good enough to give him a passing grade. It didn't help that he felt incredibly dumb for crying over this. No other first year cried over their exams, not even Lily when she told him she was pretty sure she failed Herbology.
Finally the last day came around. Remus woke up feeling tired, ready for this to be over. He was still upset over Potions, trying his best to banish the thoughts while he took the History exams and then the written part of Charms in the afternoon, the very last section for the first years and then they were free.