"How is that possible?" I ask. How could we be bound before I was born? I shake my head to deny it, but the koi's words ring true. I feel it deep within.
"Your soul already knows the answer. Of all the women he might have chosen, why did he specifically come to you?"
"I..." Why did he come to me? Why do I feel this connection? Why...?
"Because you are her, and he is compelled to rescue you. By bringing you here, though he does not know it, Isamu has fulfilled his vow to keep you safe at last. He loves you with a single-minded devotion that, if allowed, will suffocate you. He cannot help it; like the animal he is, your demon fox is bound to his nature.
"But you are human, little firefly, and have the gift of change. Now that you are beyond your birth world and its expectations, you are free to live your truth."
"My truth? What is my truth?" What does that mean?
"It is every human's quest to find your purpose. It must come from within."
I shake my head again. What can I do? Serve my husband and mend clothes? Isamu doesn't want that. But... for the first time I wonder what I truly want.
I want Isamu home safe. I want to be his wife. At the same time, I want to stay human. But none of this has a true goal. I now have all the time, freedom, and support to do whatever I choose. The possibilities are endless, paralyzing. I have never felt so filled of hope and fear in my life in such a personal way.
Meanwhile, the giant fish swims in its circular pattern, unaffected by the storm within my heart. "I congratulate you. Your true Awakening has begun."
"But what do I do? Where do I begin?"
"With what you love." It seems so simple. How could I not see it before? "Everyone is blinded by the Maya, the Great Illusion, at first."
"What is the Great Illusion?" I ask.
"That what you see is perfectly real. The inherent truth in all things lies beneath your perception and judgment."
"Then how do I know? How do I see what is true?" This conversation is making me dizzy.
"By opening your heart."
"But... is my heart not open? I love Isamu and Tsukiko with all that I am!"
"Yet you do not love yourself."
I feel numb. I try to speak, but I cannot. I just stand there open-mouthed like a fool.
"This you must do," the koi continues, "for you are the mother of Winter's Moon."
"Winter's Moon?" What is that? He called me 'mother.' Does he mean, "Tsukiko?"
"The gods call her kind an abomination, for she is beyond their control. Children of mixed birth are born outside The Pattern. They are the instruments of change, and this frightens the covetous kami. It was good you hid her in plain sight of a shrine. A bee in the grass goes unremarked. Had they they known, they would have taken her from you."
My stomach clenches, my throat closing. I had no idea I was in so much danger all along.
"Your child is a daughter of prophesy. Some will wish to possess her as a weapon, others to destroy her entirely. None of them will simply leave her to find her own path. If you would be strong enough to save her, you must first learn to save yourself."
Those words punch me in the gut. The meaning is profound to me in a way that leaves me speechless. My eyes sting, I cannot see. I blink, but it does not help. A sob escapes my lips.
"I don't know how," I manage at last.
"If you did, you would not need to learn."
I do not know what I am feeling. It is overwhelming. I have more questions than answers. I am being changed by these thoughts racing through my head. I understand now what I sacrificed. I will never be the same again and I don't want to be.
"What will happen to my child?" I ask.
"The choice lies before her, to live as her mother or her father. The last child born between man and white fox chose to be human. His name was Abe no Seimei." Abe no Seimei was a sorcerer who founded the School of Onmyōdō. Powerful indeed.
I smile because know how Tsukiko will choose. "She is her father's daughter. I am glad. It will ease his loneliness when I die."
"She will be the only thing that does," the koi agrees. "And that is why nothing fell must become of her." No, it cannot. Isamu will go insane. If he is the destructive principle in nature, then surely Tsukiko is his balance, the sublime creative. I understand this now on a deeper level.
A wind kicks up, the boughs sway and creak violently. The sky darkens and goes black. "What is happening?" A feeling of dread lodges in my gut. If his world is reverting, it can only mean something bad has happened to him. "Isamu!"
"Go now, child!" the koi says with urgency. "Run! Hurry quick and hide your daughter. The crow is coming, and you must meet him in a woman's battle for all you hold dear. Trust in yourself, and when the time comes, do not hesitate."