I opened up to him; he was once my best friend. Even if he looks very different now, he was still Tonic, was he not? Maybe now more so than when I knew him. He had that familiar air to him, that friendliness, the gentleness that I missed before he took Verando's place and went off to war.
I watch those mechanical limbs, how they shift and clink as his body moves. The cool metal touches my leg and I want to shy away from it. "Tonic, do you think I was wrong?"
He ponders this, mulling it over as he watches our legs as if there were some hidden answers in the way they brush against each other. "I think..." He tries, almost looking as if he's deciding against answering.
When will I learn that sharing with these people is bad for my health? The longer I sit here, the more I dwell on that night together in Marisol's bar, and the more I begin to think about Tonic's ulterior motives, who knew very well that Marisol was alive.
"I think asking him to go through being drawn on and revived is unfair. It's painful; it has to be. You don't have to see it as we do, and.. what if we can't get him back? You know his tendencies, Verando is not necessarily fond of being, well, alive. Sometimes I think he's just waiting for an excuse, I know he'd never do it but... That is not a life I would play with."
Little does Tonic know just how close Verando has come to taking his own life. I run a hand through my hair, tilting my head back into the wall. It wasn't the answer I thought he'd throw at me, but I can tell he's guarding, as he puts his father into an odd light, as if that would sway me to throw in the towel.
That hopeful tone, the glint in his eyes, we are here for two different reasons.
How could I ask Verando to do something, multiple times over again, for my benefit when I knew it was something he struggled with?
"Damn it..." I sigh. It's so easy to forget the looming darkness, to fade out of the dream creature and focus on the man in front of me. Often times it took me completely off guard, to think that he was on the brink at times.
"Your father is a very complicated man."
Tonic laughs in response, tilting his head back against the wall to watch me with a look of endearment that makes me squirm, uncomfortable with being watched. I touch his leg, squeezing the thigh above the mechanical portion. "Tonic..." Stop. I changed the subject. I don't need to give him any more reason to get his hopes up. "Do they hurt?"
"Oh, my leg and arm? No, not at all. See these?" He holds out the hand, spreading his fingers so I can see the glittering green veins that run under the metallic slats. "They are artificial nerves, just like skin does. I can sense touch and feel, not really textures but the pressure and weight. No pain, but it's quite realistic. They make skin that goes over it but I do like it like this."
He smirks, shrugging. Leave it to Tonic to like having fake limbs, to find the positive in such a loss. "I feel stronger than I did when I had all my limbs, I guess. It happens, the war was tough, but we won in the end, that's all that matters."
I turn his hand over, inspecting the near-perfect replica of a human hand and forearm.
"It's attached to your bone?"
He nods.
"Right at the shoulder. Technology sure has come a long way. I would really like Verando to let Tonya take a look at his shoulder, I bet they could replace it." The thought makes me hesitant. Replace an entire shoulder blade? It seemed like a lot of muscle to cut through and risk for what might be a minimal reward.
It would put him out of commission for some time, I'd imagine; people die in surgery all the time- in our time, at least. My warlord was rubbing off on me, raising my suspicions.
"It seems silly to me to just be in pain; they could fix all his ailments, they could medicate his depression-"
I don't want to talk about this anymore, I don't feel comfortable talking about Verando when he isn't here, not with Tonic. This isn't a concern, this is pointing out someone's shortcomings. It makes me upset, it makes me angry.
"He wouldn't be your father if they did that, it's as if you're suggesting they can just remove a person from their very being," I tell him quietly, slowly climbing to my feet. "Some people are brilliant because of their struggles, while I don't like to think about him being in pain and how it limits him, I think it's what makes him who he is.
Marisol said he was more reckless in his youth, I think I'm learning to appreciate how cautious he is. If nothing else, I know he thinks through everything he does. It makes me trust him, trust his judgment."
Tonic falls silent and he stands as well, looking reluctant to allow the conversation to end. I picked the wrong person to vent to, I see that now, I just want him to go.
It makes me shift uncomfortably as I rub my bicep with the opposite arm, scanning the room in the awkward air. I part my lips to dismiss him, turning my attention to the door.
"Is that why you like him more than me?" He finally tries.
I shake my head and take quick steps away from him to get some distance, and some room to breathe.
"I don't like him more than you, I love him Tonic. What is this? What is the sudden interest in me?!"
He pursues me, and I turn on him to warn him with my eyes. I don't need this, I don't need Tonic ruining this already fragile friendship. "I've always had some interest in you, you were the first person who believed in me, and you've been a good friend, I just hate to see you trapped in the same childish games-"
I almost want to laugh because that's far from the truth, so I do. I laugh, in disbelief and awkwardness.
"Why can't you just try? What does he have that I don't? I'm older than him, I'm more compassionate, is it sex? I can learn to give you what you want?"
I want to put my hands over my ears, flushing at the complete embarrassment of this conversation.
Sex with Tonic? Try? Why were these options?
"Oh my god, Tonic. Please. For both of our sakes, can we not forget this? I'm not going to explain why I love your father to you; I'm not going to explain my sex life to you! Stop! I'm ordering you, as your King, to stop!"
He reaches for my hand, and I snatch it away from him, on the defensive.
"Do not touch me."
My mind flashes back to Shellshock, to my time as a tortured soul. He looks enough like his uncle to spark that fear in me, to throw my defenses up.
"Nic, you're being insane. Just talk to me about this; hear me out."
I set my jaw because before I would have. I would have felt it necessary to sit with him, to let him wear me down, perhaps he could have convinced me to try, but that is not who I am anymore. That is not what I feel inclined to do anymore. I am not weak, I'm a King, I have worth, and I have value beyond my body.
"I don't wish to discuss this any longer. If you won't leave, then I will."
He grabs my wrist as I go to leave and I yank the knife out of the holster on my hip, swinging at him only to have him hold the blade with the metal hand. "Let go of me."
"You're overreacting!" He snaps through his teeth, glaring down at me. "I just want to talk, and you've pulled a knife on me!"
"Maybe you shouldn't grab an armed man!" I hiss, twisting out of his grasp to quickly rush for the door.
As it opens, I slam into a broad chest and my body jerks in response. I shove at the person in front of me as arms grasp my elbows and try to restrain me. I twist, contemplating, shouting for help when that familiar warmth seeps through the large, nimble hands. I look up, spotting the light eyes who regard me with such concern.
"Randy." I breathe, throwing my arms around him in relief.
He hugs me firmly, bewildered by my desperation, when his eyes lock on Tonic, who is now wielding my knife. "What's going on?"
"Nothing," I tell him quickly because nothing happened yet. I need them not to fight, I need Tonic to leave, I want him to go. "Tonic was just leaving." Glaring at the man, he drops the knife and holds his hands up as if he were innocent. "Good night, Tonic."
My words are final. I hear the low growl in my warlord's chest as Verando pulls me aside, positioning himself between me and my strained friend.
Tonic watches me; the defeated breath and disappointment in his drooping shoulders make me all too happy for the distance. "Good night, Nicolas."
He meets his father's gaze as if the thought of challenging the male had crossed his mind, but he had thought better of it. Sliding out the door, Verando smacks the button on the wall abruptly to close it, pressing the hold button to lock it.
I hug him from behind, a slow embrace that curls my arms under his to lock my hands over his broad shoulders. My cheek presses into his back as I take in his warmth and absorb the tension his body holds. His hackles are up, his rigid body ready to defend me.
"Care to explain?" He glances over his shoulder at me, and I think about what I can truthfully say.
"A misunderstanding." I squeeze him a little tighter. "Nothing happened, I promise. I... he looks like Sherian; I had a bit of a flashback." It was easier than telling him that Tonic was interested in me; it was easier than admitting that I was ready to cut his child's throat if I had to, that I wouldn't be taken advantage of ever again.
There was a time when I longed for attention, where I wondered if my appearance was off-putting or maybe there just weren't enough gay men to satisfy my need for attraction. But, as time had gone on, my lust for being lusted after faded and now it was at an all-time low.
While I did, shamefully, enjoy the admiration of being a King, being looked at sexually was more than I could bear.
There was one man who I wanted to look at me in such a way, and he was before me, now. "I am so sorry, Randy." He turns in my arms, and I cling to him, burying my face in his chest. "I know that you would die if I drew too much from you, and I've just gotten-" It sounds horrible now out loud. "I was just excited. I want to do this so badly; I want to fix this... for Tyler and Helen, for all of them."
"I think I had my own meltdown." He admits, almost hinting at embarrassment. I kiss his chest, soaking him in, grateful he was here. "I don't want to be a power source, Nic. We have to find another way. It's a hard limit for me."
How could I fault that? How could I deem him anything other than human to want to preserve his own life? I tilt my head to look at him, only to find he's not looking at me. His face is clouded with concern, the world's weight on his shoulders with an expression like that.
"It was wrong to ask that of you." I try, wanting to erase the tension.
"Inexperienced." The retort is final. "This is a handful of inexperienced people, and we will die with them if we play this game. Nic, this does not end well for us. They are too emotional and too invested, I fear we are wasting what little time we have left on this hope that we can pull it off one last time. When I spoke with Mother, she called it the end of days, and I truly believe her.
Is this truly how you want to spend our time together?"
Catching my hands in his, he brings them to his lips, kissing my knuckles, holding my hands so tightly as if I had the world in them. "Can we not be selfish? For once? Can it not be someone else's problem?"
He makes a good case. It makes my pulse quicken to think about it, but as much as my body is ready to do as he commands, I'm stuck here. I can't let go, not when we've come so far.
I lower our hands, holding them between us as I watch the glint of the lighting of the stone in my ring. I squeeze his hands, willing him to see things differently.
"I don't want to talk about this anymore. There was a time when you had a vision that no one else believed in, that we would march on the cities of Man because they would come for us. When Taryek took you, I followed that vision because I trusted you, and you were right. When the ship left, to take us to disperse the book, you left to return and take your men home.
You found Reid, Tomas, saved my life more times than I can count, and you gave up this-" I gesture around us. "Living to see this, for me. In all of that, I trusted you. I might not have agreed, but I trusted you. I am asking you to trust me and trust that you have trained me well enough to handle this. This is my time to lead; I can't keep relying on you to dig me out of the trenches I fall into, but I can ask you to follow me as I did you.
I can do this alone, but I would love to do it with you. I won't ever ask you to lay down your life for me again, not in that way, but I'm hoping that you will side with me?"
It wasn't the speech I had planned in my head, but it was what I needed to say to him; it was what my heart was telling me to speak to him. Verando straightens, and for a moment, I wonder if he's going to leave, but the corner of his mouth turns up, and I see a small dimple forming. "Trust you, hmm?"
I nod, chuckling nervously. "It's the best I've got."
He considers this, tilting his head as he inspects me. "Well, when you fluff a man's ego in such a way, it's hard to say no." Sighing a heavy, sarcastic breath, he nods. "I guess we'll have to win if I want to spend time alone with you."
I reach to tangle my hands in his hair, yanking him down to me to crush my lips to his. His hand hooks my thigh, lifting me onto his body as I deepen the kiss.
Suddenly, I pause.
Breaking from him, I touch my lips and pull my eyebrows together. "What the hell?" I feel the sticky substance, almost greasy it's in texture. Smearing my hand over his mouth, he allows me to slide down his body as I watch my hand. I tried to comprehend what was on his mouth; it appeared to be lip gloss of some sort. I'd seen Helen apply it.
"What is this?" The calculations start, and I know he's trying to decide what to tell me. I take a step back, slowly closing my hand. "Did you sleep with her?"
"Oh, for Christ's sake, no! I didn't sleep with her. She kissed me."
"Kissed you?" I raise my eyebrows. "With this mess, it would appear she swallowed you!"
"I kissed her back." I slap him, and he tongues his cheek as he cools his temper. "Are you done?" I retort with a pointed attempt to knee him in the crotch, which he skillfully blocks and angles himself away for protection. "I didn't intend to kiss her back. I stopped, Nic."
"What if it had meant something? Why would you do that? To her, to us? What if you'd decided this wasn't-"
His expression darkens, and the truth is, he doesn't know. Would he have gone farther? Would he have slept with her? This hurts, my chest feels as if a knife was plunged into it. It was just a kiss and yet... why did he have to kiss her back?
She asked me if he cheated on me. I inhale sharply, turning to look at him. I set my jaw, preparing myself. "Verando Xaiver Mercer. Have you ever cheated on me?"
His experience shows as he takes on an expression of great seriousness. "Yes." He doesn't hesitate, I feel sick. I stumble back and away from him.
"The night before I was sentenced to death, Anuetta was my charge, a final act to repay my debt to Mother. She said if I slept with her, she would take her own life, which would keep me from falling blame for her murder. Unfortunately, I left my sword in her chambers."