Jax
I know Penn Hawthorne now. I mean, I really know him. Much more than I did after he rescued me from that creep all those months ago, much more than that day I went to his house to do our History homework and much more than I did at the away game in Baltimore. I knew virtually nothing about him then, but now I know plenty. And I don't like what I've learned. I've been to more than one party at Thornton Estate now and I've listened to Scar talk about him a little, so I have learned much more about him. And everything I've learned is negative. He's covered in tattoos for starters, as in not just his arms, all over. And I don't really like tattoos. His are pretty and they do really suit him, but still. I don't like them. He also smokes weed on a daily basis, which absolutely repulses me. I am not about drugs at all, and I don't wanna associate myself with people that do drugs. And last but not least, he sleeps with a different girl on an almost daily basis. I know this because Scar and Ryan have mentioned it, and I've seen him pretty much simulating sex with different girls at every house party he throws, besides the lame excuse for a party at his house last weekend after we left the beach party. I try so hard not to look when he's with a girl, but I can't help myself. It's...interesting. But that's not important! He's a total pig! I know all of this now.
...So why can't I stop thinking about him?
Maybe it's because, in spite of all that, I cannot deny how attracted I am to the boy. He's gorgeous, he really is. In his own dark, brooding way he is hands down the prettiest boy I have ever encountered in my life. Which is annoying, because I don't like him. And I don't like him because he has been so distant and weird with me ever since he touched my hand by mistake in his bedroom, and since he touched my lips on purpose in his sitting room, and since he tried to hit on me in Baltimore! There was a weird electric feeling between us on each occasion, but it doesn't need to be a big deal. It's not like I threw a fit about it. He's been avoiding me and pretty much blanking me ever since. He even started sitting next to some other guy in our History class so he doesn't have to sit next to me. Either that, or he doesn't show up to class at all. I tried talking to him one on one at that lame party the night of the beach party, but he pretty much completely ignored me as he sat there smoking weed in his small sitting room. I didn't mind at all when Lyra and Scar suggested going home early.
I think I know what's going on with him, but I don't understand the problem. He likes Scar. I know he does. Okay, he came on to me the night of the away game in Baltimore, but that's neither here nor there. He likes to sleep with girls, I know that, so he wanted to sleep with me that night. But I know he doesn't like me, and I'm sure he does like Scar. They've gotten so close, and I think she likes him too. I just don't understand why he would be so hostile towards me because he likes my friend. If anything, he should be sucking up to me and trying to get me on side for when he and Scar start dating. And I know they will, it's just a case of 'when'.
I need to stop thinking about it though. It's consuming my thoughts, and I've had enough. I need to move past this, whatever it is. And I fully intend to when I go out with Cameron this week. I like Cameron. He's nice, he has zero tattoos, he doesn't smoke weed, he doesn't go to parties at the Estate. He's a good boy. He's husband material, and that's what I want.
Well, it's what I think I want. It's what I should want.
The night of the date, and I'm feeling good. I have a positive feeling about Cameron, and my parents do too. He picked me up (he actually drove up to my front door and rang the bell) and he was a perfect gentleman with my parents. Dad loved him of course, and mom had her reservations of course. But it's fine, she was always gonna be like that the day I took a boy to the house. We made the necessary small talk before leaving. Cameron wanted to go some place nice for dinner, but I convinced him that we should just keep it casual; not put too much pressure on things. So we're at Marley's, the best diner in town. Cameron's from Ohio, so I'm really enjoying his excitement over the food at Marley's. It is awesome. Our conversation flows; we laugh, we talk and we work on the foundations of what could be a real relationship. It's almost perfect. Almost, because about five minutes ago, Penn walked in. With Drake. And two girls.
I know he's seen me, because Drake made a point of greeting me when they walked by. I smiled and said hi to Drake, and Penn completely ignored me. One of the girls was busy talking his ear off about something as they sat down at their booth anyway. He probably barely gave me a second thought.
But I'm distracted now. My eyes keep flickering over to Drake and Penn's table. I'm not meaning to. I'm actively trying not to. I just can't help it, and eventually Cameron notices.
"You okay? You seem kinda distracted." He asks with a genuine smile. That's Cameron all over. A genuine, honest guy. A real gentleman. The type of guy you want to introduce to your parents. Unlike some other guys I can think of...
He turns around to see what I'm looking at, and he nods his head a couple times like he's just realised something.
"An ex boyfriend?" He asks, and he's still smiling.
"No, not at all." I assure him. "One of those guys likes my friend. I'm just wondering what he's doing on a double date with some other girl."
It's true. I am wondering this. Why is Penn sitting allowing the girl next to him to lean into him like that and whisper stuff into his ear? Why is he smirking down at the table while he's listening to her talk? Why does he still mess around with other girls when he clearly has feelings for Scar?
Why is seeing him act all cosy with a girl making me feel hot and bothered..?
"Oh, okay." Cameron says, satisfied with my explanation. "That is strange. If he likes your friend, he shouldn't be dating other girls."
Of course Cameron would say that. Such a decent guy. I smile up at him as he excuses himself. He's gonna go settle the bill then run to the bathroom before we leave. Great. I wanna get out of here now.
I focus my attention on the screen of my phone while I wait for Cameron. I cannot keep looking over at Penn. I just can't. Aww, Ryan's put a selfie of him and Dash on his Instagram with the love heart emoji. Good for him. He's been so happy with Dash. I like his post and smile to myself before scrolling down my news feed.
"Who's the guy?"
I feel my body freeze at the sound of Penn's voice. Oh my god. He's actually came over here!? What the hell?! I look up and see him sitting in front of me, watching me with interest. He's actually came over here and stolen Cameron's spot! For a moment I imagine I'm on this date with Penn instead of Cameron, and I feel a strange flutter in my chest. But that's crazy. As if I would ever date someone like Penn. I ignore the thought before answering him.
"I didn't think we talked." Are the words that leave my lips. I planned on telling him it's none of his business who Cameron is, but I lost control of my tongue for a moment there. I can't let that happen again.
"We talk if we need to." He says, and I look over his shoulder and see that Drake and the two girls are watching us curiously. This is weird. What is he thinking!?
"And you needed to come over here and ask me about Cameron?" I reply, sounding like a complete bitch. He smirks at me. That unbelievably sexy smirk. Ignore it, Jax. Ignore it.
"Cameron." Penn says, like he's memorising the name. "Does Cameron have good intentions?"
"Excuse me?" I reply automatically. Jesus. What a weird thing to ask me.
"Just thought I'd ask." Penn replies casually. "He pulled a condom out of his pocket when he reached for his wallet just now. Guess you're in for a fun night, Princess."
My mouth falls open in shock. Shock because Cameron might actually be expecting sex tonight, and shock at how my body just reacted to Penn's deep voice saying those words to me. A fun night...
"Penn, what do you want?" I ask him straight up. "I'm on a date with a guy, so what? It's nothing to you."
"I suppose." He says while sliding out of the booth. I don't think so.
"And what are you doing with that girl anyway?" I ask him sharply. "Scar probably wouldn't be too happy if she saw you getting all cosy like that."
He stops in his tracks and looks at me in confusion.
"What?"
"You heard me." I say defensively. "You're supposed to like Scar. You shouldn't still be messing around with other girls. She likes you too, you know."
"You actually still think I like Scar?" His eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "And you think she likes me? Christ, how naive are you exactly?"
"I'm not naive." I say quietly, and he laughs at me.
"Are you even aware of what's going on with Scar and Logan?" He asks me in disbelief. There's nothing going on between Scar and Logan, but he clearly thinks there is. As far as I know, Scar finds him attractive and Logan tries to sleep with Scar every opportunity he gets. That's it, there's nothing more.
"She thinks he's hot, that's all. But he's an ass too. She doesn't like him like she likes you, I can tell." I state.
He shakes his head at me. "You've got it completely wrong."
"I don't think so." I'm sticking to my guns. And Cameron just came out of the bathroom. Penn needs to leave. "If you'll excuse me, my date is on his way back over here. So. Leave."
"Done." He says bitterly before turning away. But before he moves, he turns back to make one last parting comment.
"If this date doesn't end like you want it to, come by my house. There's a party tonight."
"For a change." I mutter to myself as he walks back over to Drake and the girls. Cameron looks him over curiously as their paths cross, but whatever. I check my watch. It's almost 9.30pm, and Drake and the others haven't even gotten their food yet. It's gonna be a late party tonight. Strange.
"Ready?" Cameron offers me his hand and I smile at him as I take it, allowing him to help me to my feet. I don't feel anything when our hands connect. But that's okay. It's only hand holding. It's no big deal. Even if it was a big deal when Penn touched my hand by mistake... Ugh!
I leave the diner with Cameron, hand in hand and my head held high. I don't even glance in Penn's direction when I hear Drake say 'Later' to me. I ignore them completely, just like Penn's been ignoring me. Up until tonight. For whatever reason...
Cameron asked if I wanted to head back to his dorm to watch a movie since it's still early. Normally I wouldn't be phased by this, but I have my guard up a little after what Penn told me about the condom. I agreed to go over to his dorm though, because there's nothing wrong with us watching a movie together.
Cameron's roommate is out with some friends, so we have the place to ourselves. Warning sign number one. Cameron wants to watch the movie in his room because Netflix doesn't work in the living area. Warning sign number two (I saw a TV in the living area when I came in). I am now sitting on Cameron's bed with him (above the covers of course) watching some action movie I have no interest in, and his arm is wrapped around my waist. Warning sign number three. Three warnings lead to a red card. I'm starting to feel very uncomfortable with this situation. I should do something about that. Soon.
"Jax?" He says, and I turn my head to face him on reflex. He's already facing me, and he's grinning at me. His eyes are on my lips. Oh, shit.
He leans in to me, and I lean back. Not happening.
"What's wrong?" He asks, frowning in concern.
"Nothing!" I reply quickly with a big forced smile, trying to brush the awkward moment off. "I'm just, uh, really getting into this movie. That's all!"
"I'm much more into you than this movie..." He says, leaning into me again. And this time, I'm not quick enough.
His lips crush down on to mine and I squeal as he wraps his other arm around me, effectively pulling me into him. I feel his tongue sweep against my closed lips, and my eyes widen while I use both hands to push against his chest. The force causes him to remove his lips from mine, but his hands are still firmly grasping my hips.
"Cameron, no!" I say sternly while wiggling free of his grasp. I didn't want him to kiss me, and I gave him no indication that I was okay with that. I need to get out of here.
"What the hell?" He says, frowning at me in annoyance as I get up from the bed. "Where are you going?"
"Home." I mutter as I pick up my purse and turn to open his bedroom door.
"Whatever! Frigid bitch!" He yells after me as I leave his dorm. I slam the front door closed and run down the stairwell as fast as I can. I need to get away from him.
Frigid bitch. Was that my fault? Should I not have agreed to watch a movie with him? Or should I have insisted we watch it in the living room rather than the bedroom? Or should I have flat out told him I had no intention of sleeping with him, let alone kissing him? I don't know, but I really don't think I deserved that just now.
I find myself crying as I begin briskly walking home. That's not the first time something like that has happened to me. I know that most kids my age are sexually active, going at it like rabbits even. But that's not me. It's a personal choice, and it's no one's business. I shouldn't have to explain myself to anyone, and I shouldn't need to bat off boys like Cameron that think it's okay to kiss me when I'm giving them zero signals that I want to be kissed. I hate it. This stupid day and age that says every eighteen-year-old is up for having sex and kissing and whatever else just because they agree to go out on a date and watch a movie. I just don't want that. I want the real deal; love. And I think that's perfectly okay.
But I'm upset after what just happened, and I wanna talk to someone about it. I pull my phone out of my purse as I walk, and after swiftly blocking and deleting Cameron's number, I curse Scar for not having a cellphone. Ryan is the next person I wanna talk to, but I know he's at the Estate with Dash tonight. The Estate! Of course, Penn said there was a party tonight. Perfect. I can go there and talk to Ryan in the privacy of a house full of random people. Sounds dumb, but sometimes optimum privacy can be achieved by being surrounded by a sea of people who aren't paying attention to you. Either that, or Ryan and I can go out to the pool house or something and talk. We'll be able to find a quiet room for sure.
I make my way to the Estate, my mind reeling with thoughts of Cameron and his unwanted advances, and I'm there in less than twenty minutes. It doesn't actually take that long to walk out to the Estate when you know where you're going. Not the best idea to wonder through the woods on my own, especially when there's a stalker at large in South Bridge, our neighbouring city. But whatever. I'm here, and I'm fine. Besides the hurt I'm feeling around what happened with Cameron tonight.
That feeling goes away very quickly though when I realise there is no party tonight. The house is quiet, not all of the lights are on, and there's no endless stream of smoke filtering through the open windows of the house. The front lawn is completely devoid of red cups too. There is no party going on. But Penn told me to stop by if tonight didn't go like I wanted it to. Which is exactly what happened, so it's fine that I'm here.
I let myself in and find that the house is almost completely silent, save for the sound of Drake's voice coming from the big living room. I head through and see that he's sitting drinking wine with his girl from the diner. They're smiling at each other. I'm glad to see their date went better than mine did at least. I can't help but wonder if Penn is up in his room with his girl. Poor Scar.
"Hi Drake." I make my presence known, and Drake and the girl both look over at me curiously. I give them a weak smile. "Is Ryan here? With Dash?"
"Nah, they went to the movies." Drake informs me. "Everything okay? You were on a date earlier, right?"
"Yes, I was. It didn't go well." I admit with a shaky laugh, and Drake and the girl both offer me a weak smile. Nice to know a girl I don't know at all even feels sorry for me right now. Not.
"You want a glass of wine, babe?" The girl asks me kindly, and I consider accepting her offer, but I don't wanna ruin her date with Drake. I can't. I should go.
"No, thank you. I was just looking for Ryan. I should really get going -"
I'm cut off by a familiar deep voice coming from the top of the stairs.
"You actually came."
I look up at Penn and shrug my shoulders. "You said there was a party."
"What? We weren't -" Drake starts.
"It got cancelled." Penn talks over his housemate rudely. I notice Drake and his girl exchange a confused look. I have a feeling there was never gonna be a party tonight. Dash is at the movies, and Drake and Penn are both on dates. Why would he lie to me, though?
"Come up." Penn says to me before turning and walking off down the hallway upstairs. I look over at Drake. He looks completely bemused.
"He is alone up there, if that's what you're wondering." The girl says to me. "He completely blew Shelly off after he talked to you at the diner."
So, he isn't with his diner girl? I look at Drake again, and he's grinning at me now. I am so confused.
"You better head up there." Drake says with a knowing smile before picking up the wine bottle and re-filling his drink. Without thinking, I head for the staircase.
"Did they fuck already?" I hear the girl whisper (loudly) to Drake.
"Not that I know of, you never know with him though." Drake replies. I shake my head as I ascend the staircase. Penn's reputation is horrendous, of course they would assume we've 'fucked'.
Penn's bedroom door is open, so I walk right in. There's rock music playing and he's sitting on one of the sofas with a beer resting on his thigh, dangling between his fingertips. He looks... far too hot. Why am I here? What am I doing?
Oh, right. I'm upset because Cameron made a pass at me earlier. God, I'd almost forgotten all about that.
"So I assume Cameron turned out to be a dick?" He asks me while gesturing at the vacant sofa opposite him. I cross the room and sit down as he taps his phone screen a couple times, lowering the volume of the music.
"Yes. He was... a dick." I confirm. I'm not one for cursing, but Cameron deserves to be described like that. Penn doesn't laugh, although I expected him to.
"What did he do?" He asks me seriously.
"Um, he tried to kiss me. Well, he did kiss me. I didn't want him to, though. So I left. He wasn't very nice when I left. He called me a 'frigid bitch'." I look down at my open palms resting in my lap, embarrassed. I don't know why, but I don't want Penn to see me as a frigid bitch. Even though, I guess I am one.
"You were in his dorm?" Penn asks, his voice low and dangerous. I don't look up at him, but I nod my head.
"Where does he live?"
I snap my attention up and see that Penn looks furious now. He's put his beer down on the coffee table, and he actually looks completely ready to grab his keys and drive over to the dorms to beat Cameron up.
"That's not necessary." I insist while holding my hands up to Penn. "He picked up the wrong signals from me I suppose. I shut it down, it was fine. He didn't force himself on me or whatever."
"He called you a frigid bitch." Penn says, frowning at me. "He deserves a fist in his face for that alone. Who talks to girls that way?"
"He does I guess." I shrug my shoulders. "He's not worth your time. He'll find a girl who's on the same wavelength as him. It's fine, seriously. Thank you, though."
Penn picks up his beer and sits back on the sofa a little. He's not gonna rush out of here to fight Cameron, but he still doesn't look completely satisfied.
"What is it with you?" He murmurs. "You always attract these assholes? Or are there ever good guys?"
"What?" I stutter, put out by his comment. "For your information, I'm actually very picky about the boys I date."
"Why?"
"Because I don't wanna end up with some asshole."
He laughs at this, and I stifle a smile. I haven't seen him laugh in ages. Probably because I haven't talked to him in ages. Which has me wondering...
"Why do you care about this anyway?" I ask. "We've barely talked since we did that homework together weeks ago. I've been over here at parties, I've seen you in class, you've been spending a lot of time with my best friend. Yet you practically ignore me all the time now. And I know it's because of what happened when you..." I trail off, because I don't wanna say it.
"When I what?" He prompts me.
"When you pressed your finger against my lips." I come out with it, to see if he'll react. He doesn't, besides sipping his beer.
"Something happened." I go on, testing him. "I think you felt it too. It happened when you touched my hand in here after we did the homework too."
He doesn't say anything, he just glares down at his feet while sipping his beer. So I continue.
"It was like... electric or something. I've never felt anything like it."
His eyes snap up and meet mine. He looks bemused and a little pissed. He is so confusing! I feel like I said something wrong, but I didn't. I just pointed something out. And I know he already knew about it.
"You've never felt anything like it?" He asks me carefully. I shake my head. But I'm glad he knows what I'm talking about. He did feel it too!
"So, you have?" I ask, and his frown eases off a little.
"Of course I have." He snaps at me while standing up suddenly. "Why do you think I tried my luck with you in Baltimore? I felt it when I carried you out of that dicks arms over here at the start of the summer too. It was fucking weird. I mean, you were practically passed out wasted! And yeah, you're hot as fuck, but still. Christ, it's not okay."
I stand up too, because I'm startled by his sudden outburst just now. I'll ignore how much my pulse reacted to him calling me 'hot as fuck'. It was a throw away comment, and I think he's 'hot as fuck' too. Whatever, not important. What's going on with him? Why does he seem so stressed out all of a sudden?
"It's not normal, Jax. Simple, innocent touching like that shouldn't..." He gives up on whatever he was about to say as he downs the last of his beer before slamming the bottle down on to the coffee table between us.
"Why did you lie about the party tonight?" I ask, because it feels important somehow. He glares over at me.
"I knew that fucker didn't have good intentions with you. And you're so fucking naive. I knew you'd want someone to talk to. Scar doesn't have a phone, Ryan is out. You needed somewhere to go. And I was right."
I frown at him, annoyed at how right he was about my awful date with Cameron.
"And what concern is it of yours?" I challenge him while walking around the table to get closer to him. I want him to know that I'm not some little girl who can't stand up for herself. I can be intimidating when I want to be. "We're not friends, we barely ever talk. What do you care if I have no one to talk to about my shitty date?"
"I don't. I just..." He falters, but his eyes never leave mine. He's glaring down at me and I'm glaring right back up at him. "I have a thing about vulnerable people being taken advantage of. I don't like it. I don't care about you in particular. I sympathised with your situation, that's all."
I laugh at him mockingly, in utter disbelief at what he just said.
"So I guess that's why you rescued me from that creepy predator guy the first time I partied here? Because I was vulnerable and he was trying to take advantage of me?" I hiss at him.
"Yes." He replies immediately.
"Bullshit." I say confidently. "Girls get pass out wasted over here all the time and I don't see you rushing to their aid."
"Wrong." He says, matching my confidence. "Anyone would have saved you from that guy, I just saw him with you first."
"All right, what about tonight then? You didn't need to pretend there was a party so that I'd have somewhere to go and someone to talk to if my date didn't go well. You definitely wouldn't do that for any old girl."
"So what? You think you're special or something?" He snarls at me.
"Not at all." I snap back. "You did this because of Scar. I know you don't care about me, but I'm her friend and you do care about her."
His eyes soften immediately and his lips turn up into the slightest of smiles. Just the mention of Scar's name wipes that haunted, brooding look from his face. He's crazy about her, it's so obvious.
"If I'm so crazy about Scar, why did I invite you into my hotel room for a drink in Baltimore, huh?" He asks me flatly.
"Because you're obsessed with sex." I say, equally flat. He smirks at me again.
"Don't flatter yourself, Princess."
Princess again? What the hell!?
"Stop calling me Princess!" I hiss at him. "And don't even get me started on you telling me not to flatter myself! You came on to me in Baltimore!"
"I did." He replies, deadpan. I wait, but he offers no further explanation. He is so confusing!
"Whatever, it doesn't even matter. You like my best friend, end of discussion." I say while tossing my hair over my shoulder.
"Scar. Likes. Logan." He says condescendingly, like I'm a child that doesn't understand basic English. "Maybe she hasn't told you that, but she does. And he likes her. How could you not see that?"
"Whatever!" I snap back defensively. "That has nothing to do with how you feel about her."
"Jesus Christ." He mutters while running a hand over his face. I ignore how sexy the sound of his rough hand on his stubble is. Not important!
He stares at me for a moment, and I maintain my intimidating eye contact. Or at least, I hope I look intimidating. I'm much smaller than him, and he could probably snap me like a twig if he wanted to. But I can be feisty. He should know that. He shakes his head slightly while looking up at the ceiling before whispering 'fuck it' to himself and returning his gaze to mine. And what he says next shocks me to my core.
"Forget about Scar. There is something extremely alluring about you, Jacqueline Archibald." He starts, and I almost waver. But I don't. "I thought it was your eyes at first. And it sort of is I suppose. Who has lilac eyes? They're very...inviting. But there's something else. You know there is, you brought it up just now."
He's referring to the electric current thing that happens when we touch. I know that. He goes on.
"It's the reason I came on to you in Baltimore. I thought 'to hell with it - if this is how touching her feels, fucking her would be next level'. But I didn't really know you then, I didn't realise how innocent you were. I thought you'd be game, but you weren't, so I've tried to forget about it. But I fucking can't and I don't like it, which is why I've been avoiding you since then. But tonight, when I saw you with that guy and when I saw what he had planned with you... You're not a 'sex on the first date' type of girl. I learned that first hand in Baltimore."
"You don't know me at all!" I yell at him on reflex. I'm desperately ignoring what he just said about my eyes and what he just said about the prospect of 'fucking' me, because it's gotten my pulse racing faster and I cannot focus on that, so I'll focus on my anger instead. People comment on my eyes all the time, but they never flat out tell me that my eyes are 'inviting'. And people never comment on their thoughts about 'fucking' me...
"No, but I know enough. You've read a book in Dutch, you get homework done before it's even been assigned, you take pride in your appearance and you go on dates with preppy boys like Cameron. You don't smoke, you barely drink." He pauses. "You don't sleep with guys on the first date."
He shrugs his shoulders like it's so obvious. And I feel my blood boil, in more ways than one. Everything he's said about me is correct, and it's annoying me. I'm feeling another type of heat too, but I'm ignoring that.
"Well I'd rather be that way than be like you!" I hiss at him.
"So you admit it - no sex on the first date? Ever?" His eyes bore into mine. My 'inviting' eyes.
"No." I admit proudly. "And that's not a bad thing."
"No, it's not." He says quietly, and I watch as his eyes flicker down to my lips briefly. Oh my god. No. This is not happening. He isn't pulling me in like this. Is he trying to exploit my bad date with Cameron? I won't let him.
"What went wrong with your diner girl anyway? She wasn't good enough for you? Like all the others?" I back away from him, creating distance. But he steps forward, closing the space between us again.
"She wasn't you. None of them are, Princess." He says, deadpan. I freeze.
We stare into each others eyes for a minute, both unsure what to say next. But rather than speaking, he reaches out and takes my hand into his. And the second I feel his touch, I feel like I'm burning up. What is that!? What causes it? It's biology I am completely unaccustomed to. But I can't pretend I'm not interested in it. I look down at our hands and find myself leaning into him slightly as he takes my other hand into his too, intensifying the current between us. What is this? I'm so confused, but I'm powerless to stop this. I can't pull away from him. More importantly, I don't want to.
"You feel it again?" He asks, his voice impossibly low. Of course I feel it. I nod my head.
"That's not normal, right?" He asks, and I shake my head. I'm relieved he feels this too. I already knew he did, but it's good to have the mutual feeling confirmed.
He tugs on my hands slightly and I gasp as I move forward until I'm flush against him. I've never been so close to a boy before, besides Cameron earlier tonight, but obviously that was completely different. I didn't want Cameron to be so close to me. I... I do want Penn this close. I'm in a state of shock, confusion, interest and...lust? Whatever it is, I know I don't want it to end quite yet.
His eyes drop down to my lips again as I lick them. I can feel his breath on my face, and I can feel his hands freeing my own as they make their way around to the small of my back.
"What are you doing?" I ask, and my voice comes out all low and sultry. Oh my god, this is lust! He's turning me on! And I didn't even realise it until now!
"Imagine what it would be like if we fucked." He bows his head and whispers against my ear, and I bite down on my bottom lip as he says the last word. It sends a jolt through my entire body, a jolt I know he can feel.
"Penn..." I start, but I don't finish. I don't even know what I wanna say to him. I'm under his spell, and I don't want it to break.
"Do you want to?" He asks as he pulls me into him harder. Oh my god... I think I do. I really do. But at the same time I don't! He is so not the boy I lose my virginity to! No chance in hell. He's not my future husband!
"No." I say, and he laughs. He knows I do.
"Why not?" He asks.
"You... You like Scar." I say, because even though he keeps insisting that he doesn't, it's the best excuse I can come up with.
"I do like Scar." He says, and I can't pretend my heart doesn't sink. But what he says next gets my heartbeat racing again. "As a friend, just a friend. She doesn't turn me on when she touches me. I don't wanna fuck her. I wanna fuck you."
No, I don't believe that. I can't believe that. I bring my hands up and push against his hard chest until he releases his grip on my waist and backs off from me. But not that far, we're still standing inches apart. And he's still looking into my eyes like he wants to devour me.
"You have a funny way of showing it." I manage to say as I regain some composure. "You haven't talked to me properly in weeks, remember!?"
"Because you're so naive and innocent." He explains. "I knew how much I wanted you after the first time we touched. The first time I felt that feeling that shouldn't come from just touching someone's hand. Then after Baltimore I thought leaving you alone was for the best, because you're so innocent and different than the girls I'd usually go for. But I'm not so sure I care about that now."
"Well in my experience, it's always best to go with your gut." I try to speak confidently, but my voice betrays me. I know he knows I want him too. This isn't good. I should get away from him. Just walk over to the door, open it, then leave. Come on, Jax. It's easy! Just do it!
"And in my experience, touching a girls hand and looking into her eyes doesn't almost make me hard. Besides with you."
Oh. My. God!
"Penn... Stop it!" I shake my head, trying to pull myself out of this trance I'm in. It doesn't work.
"Come on. You cannot deny this pull between us. You're the one that brought it up." He goes on, and I feel like an idiot. I didn't realise until now that the electricity between us was sexual. I've never really felt that way before, so how was I supposed to know? I guess I am as naive as he thinks. "I know you don't like giving it up too easily, but this would be different. No dating, just sex. You know it would be fucking amazing if this is how we both feel just from touching."
I close my eyes. Maybe if I can't see him, I'll manage to stop thinking about the ideas he's putting into my head.
"I know what I'm doing, Jacqueline. Much more than guys like Cameron do. I know what girls like, I take my time, I do it right. And we both know we'd be a perfect match. It would be mind-blowing."
I can't deal with any more of this!
"Penn!" I say desperately while looking up into his eyes again. It comes out as a moan actually, causing him to grin down at me again.
"You really don't wanna find out, Princess?" He murmurs down to me. He's so close to me, I can feel his warm breath against my lips. I like it. It carries some of the same electricity I feel when he touches me. I find myself slowly nodding my head, and everything that happens next happens so fast.
He picks me up and effortlessly carries me over to his bed. I gasp on reflex to both his quick movements and to how my body reacts to being wrapped up in his strong arms. He lays me down on the bed and hovers above me. My breathing is rapid as I look into his eyes. He's almost grunting as he looks down into mine. I thank the lord that I chose to wear skinny jeans tonight, because I can feel his hips pressing down into mine as I automatically part my legs for him. What am I thinking?! This isn't me! This isn't what I do with boys!
But I've never been set alight by a boys touch before. So I suppose I've never wanted to before now. God, talk about a sexual awakening!
"What do you like?" He speaks against my ear, and I gasp again from the feel of his lips grazing against my earlobe and his deep voice so close to my ear. I don't know how to respond though, because I have no idea what I like. Besides him touching me, any way he wants to.
I feel his lips move from my earlobe to the skin on my neck just below. He kisses me lightly and I moan loudly. My eyes are closed and my back is arched. I've never felt this way before in my life. And I like it. If this is how horny feels, I am seriously regretting my decision to steer clear of this for so long.
His teeth graze my neck as I put my hands on him at last. I've lost all sense and restraint, it seems. I just want to touch him. I slide my hands up his back, underneath his hoodie but above his shirt. I'm hesitant about touching his bare skin. It might be too much, I might just explode.
I almost do explode when I feel his hands come to rest on my sides as his lips come to rest on my collar bone. I can't cope. I can't think. I can only feel.
"This is fucking crazy." He whispers before leaning back from me a little and looking down into my eyes. He's looking at me longingly, and I know I'm looking back at him in the exact same way. I want him to kiss my lips now. I want him to kiss me so bad.
But he doesn't. He speaks again.
"What do you like? Normally?" He breathes. "Without this pull?"
I shake my head, because I can't answer his question and I don't wanna talk! I want him to touch me and kiss me and continue doing whatever the hell he wants to do to me. I want him to do what he wants to, not what I want to. I should tell him. I bring my hands around to unzip his hoodie as I answer him.
"I want you to do whatever you like." I whisper, my voice completely broken and thick with lust. It sounds so foreign.
"I like girls on top." He whispers back as I toss his hoodie on to the floor. I feel myself shudder at his words as I proceed to run my fingertips lightly up and down his tattooed arms. He looks so badass, but so beautiful at the same time. I don't know how I feel about being on top. I don't know what I'm doing, and being on top would majorly expose that. The reminder of my lack of experience brings me back down to earth a little. I want this, I do. But this isn't fair on him. I need to let him know.
"Forget about that, though. I want to please you this time." He says while pushing my cardigan off of my shoulders, his fingers brush against the thin straps of my top and I close my eyes and revel in the feeling of warmth that shoots through my body from his touch.
"Focus, Princess." He just used that word again. I don't even care. He tosses my cardigan away. "Tell me."
I open my eyes and look into his again. He looks so horny, but there's concern there too. He said he doesn't care about me, but I know he does. Maybe it's because of Cameron, or maybe it's because I'm Scar's friend. Whatever the reason, he definitely cares. He cares enough to put my sexual desires ahead of his own, anyway. Even though he likes my best friend. Although he keeps insisting that he doesn't. He does though, I'm sure of it. More sobering thoughts, god. Not enough to shake off my complete state of want though. And due to my complete lack of experience, there's only one thing I can possibly think of asking him to do to me.
"Kiss me, Penn." I breathe, barely able to speak for the first time in my life.
"You want me to kiss you?" He asks. He's making sure? That's so... Well, sweet. I nod my head quickly. I do want him to kiss me. So much.
His lips hover over mine, I close my eyes, braced for my first real kiss. But it doesn't come.
I open my eyes and look down. He's kissing my collarbone again. And now he's kissing my shoulder, and now just above my breast. He's working his way down and I don't understand this at all. I asked him to kiss me? Why aren't his lips on mine?
"I said kiss me, Penn." I clarify, my voice thick with lust on account of how his tongue feels against my stomach right now. What is he doing to me?!
He looks up at me and our eyes lock as he throws me that killer half-smile of his. I'm gasping for breath, and I'm not at all prepared for what comes next.
"So eager." He mumbles as he brings his hands around to the zipper of my jeans. Wait - what? What is he doing!? I've never been kissed but I know this is not what kissing entails.
"For a girl that doesn't like to give it up too easy, you sure are demanding." He speaks as he slides my jeans down over my thighs. I gasp in shock, but I'm not stopping him. I'm undeniably interested in whatever he's doing, and I'm turned on, and I'm powerless and I'm thanking the lord that I wore pretty underwear tonight.
I see his throat bob as he swallows, his eyes on my pink lace underwear. My breathing hitches and my stomach flips as his fingers move to the hem of my panties. This is moving so quickly, I asked him to kiss me, I didn't ask him to take my clothes off! But I'm letting him do it because deep down I want him to. God, I want him to...
I throw my head back against the pillow and close my eyes again, consumed with a mixture of nervous butterflies and overpowering want. I can feel his fingers sliding my panties down. Down, down... I'm exposed to him now, I know I am, I just can't look. I don't know what he's doing and I'm too nervous to watch but I know I don't want him to stop.
The next thing I feel is my temperature rise, my heartbeat race and my breathing hitch. Because he's touching me...down there. And it feels... It feels. God, I can't even think of the words! And that is so not me.
My eyelids fly open and I lift my head up slightly, suddenly desperate to witness what's going on. And oh my god! He's kissing me all right, but not in the way I had in mind! His face is buried between my thighs and my body is quivering and I can barely breathe and I can feel the movements and the sensations he's causing in the pit of my stomach and... oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
"Penn!" I call out his name as I throw my head back again and grab at my hair with both hands. His arms are hooked beneath both my knees and his hands are on my thighs. And his tongue... It's in a place I'm pretty sure tongues were not designed to go. But it feels so good! So fucking good! And I hate cursing!
I'm hot, I'm sweating, my chest is rising and falling and I'm moaning involuntarily as a result of what he's doing to me. I asked him to kiss me - and I meant on the lips. Not down there. He obviously misunderstood, and oh, fuck, I am so glad!
I feel euphoric. I can't stop my entire body from writhing around beneath him, but he's holding me firmly in place with his arms around my legs. I'm squirming and I'm jerking around and I feel like I can see stars. I feel like I'm gonna explode!
"Oh, my god! Penn!" I practically scream, and he stops for just a second. I look down again and make eye contact with him. The half smile is back.
"You taste as good as you look, baby." He whispers before lowering his head again. And his words cause everything to build up more.
I'm rocking my hips into him, pulling at his hair, gasping for breath and wondering why the hell I never allowed this to happen before!? This is how this feels? Why didn't anyone ever tell me!? It's building and building and oh, holy hell I think I'm gonna explode!
"Penn! Fuuuck!" I call out as I feel my body teetering on the edge of something. I feel like I'm about to shatter. It feels wonderful but... I'm suddenly incredibly embarrassed too. I don't know what's going on! I don't know if this is normal! I need to stop this!
"Fuck, Penn, stop!" I cry while jerking my legs upwards and away from his grasp. I pull my knees up and hug them against my chest while trying to catch my breath and calm my racing heart. He leans his elbows on the foot of the bed and smirks up at me. I close my eyes and throw my head back, gulping in air. My lips feel dry and my body feels... I don't know exactly!
I open my eyes as he shifts his body up until he's hovering above me again, resting his elbows on either side of my head. I flatten my legs on the bed on reflex, like my body is inviting him in. What is he doing to me!? I stare into his eyes, my brain completely flooded with uncertainty now.
"You okay, baby?" He murmurs against my lips while brushing a loose strand of hair off of my face. My stomach flips, partly because he's asking how I am and partly because he just called me 'baby' again. What is it with him and nicknames?
I nod my head and watch as the half smile spreads across his face.
"Why'd you want me to stop?" He whispers, his fingers gliding over my collarbone lightly. "You were so close."
I was close? To an orgasm? Is that what he means? Is that what that feeling was?! But I felt like I was gonna explode! Surely an explosion doesn't feel good, and everyone says orgasms feel good. I've never touched myself like that so I wouldn't know. I mean, I'm intrigued, but that was just so strange. I just - I just couldn't go over the edge!
"I - I don't know." I whisper back to him. "I'm sorry, I should go."
His eyebrows pinch together as I push him off of me, scrambling into my underwear and jeans. As I dress, he just sits on the bed watching me in confusion. His hands aren't on me anymore, his body isn't covering mine. The closeness is completely gone, and my common sense has come crashing back to me with a thud.
He looks likes he's considering something as I pick up my cardigan from the floor and slip it back on over my shoulders, then suddenly he stands up off of the bed, picks up his hoodie and quickly walks across the room.
"Penn?" I say tentatively as I approach him. He's pacing around behind one of the sofas. He looks frustrated, pissed, and possibly still horny all at once.
"You should go." He says, his voice impossibly low and his eyes not meeting mine. He crosses the room again and opens a closet door quickly to retrieve something. I don't move. I just watch as he walks over to the bay window and sits down while lighting up a joint.
"I'm sorry." I say, but he completely ignores me. "I just... I wasn't..."
I'm at a loss, and I know he's pissed with me. I scramble my thoughts, looking for a reasonable excuse as to why I just left him hanging without embarrassing myself by coming clean about the fact that I'm a virgin who's never even gotten herself off. The truth is, I got scared. I just can't tell him that, though.
"You always call me Jacqueline and Princess, and I put up with it." I say randomly, because I can think of nothing better to say. "I don't appreciate being called baby, too."
He doesn't look at me, he just gazes out the window while smoking. I feel ashamed of myself all of a sudden. Fine, I'll go.
Thankfully, Drake and his girl are no where to be seen when I get back downstairs. Good. They won't mind when I slam the door on my way out then.