Finally Tuesday came. Remus was helped back to the school with Pomfrey, collapsing into the hospital bed as soon as he got into the small room. His hand had been pretty torn up so he was given a chocolate drink for breakfast. He managed to get it all down before going to sleep. Four moons sucked so much. It wasn't fair. The moon wasn't technically full! All right, so it was very close to being full but still. He wished he knew why. At least he hadn't hurt himself too much this time. Saturday night he had ripped into his side pretty badly and the previous night he had chewed on his paw for some of the night, mangling his right hand completely.
He woke up for lunch then just went back to sleep, still too tired to even think about going to class--then remembered just before drifting off that he didn't have class on Tuesday afternoons anyway. He was still exhausted when he woke up in the afternoon then had to ask Pomfrey for some paper.
Professor Dumbledore, I don't think I can contact Miss Fawley quickly and I guess you can but I don't think I can attend to my Occlumency lesson tonight. I am very tired. I am also very sorry. Please send her my regards. Remus.
He asked Pomfrey if she could please get that to Dumbledore as soon as possible, then he fell back asleep.
*
Remus ate dinner in the hospital wing then went to the dorms, hoping that Fawley had gotten the message. He half considered going to the classroom to nap there until Occlumency would start, just to make sure... but that thought exhausted him too much. He went to the dorm, glad that he was coming up here while most everyone was still down in the Great Hall. He curled up in bed, tucking his right hand close to him since it still had some bandages around it. He slept, until the Marauders woke him up coming noisily into the dorm.
"Remus!" Sirius exclaimed.
He sat up as his friends tumbled onto his bed, giving him pats on the shoulder, saying how glad they were he was back, how much better he looked. Remus smiled at all of them, casting surreptitious glances towards Sirius, wondering if he was going to bring anything up. They talked about their classes, shared notes with him, told him the small things he missed, then Peter leaned against Remus saying how happy he was Remus was doing better which warmed Remus up and he gave a very rare purposeful hug. Well, half hug. He put his arm around Peter and kinda squeezed then quickly withdrew his arm.
That was a mistake.
"What happened to your hand?" Sirius grabbed Remus's arm, pulling his bandaged hand close to study it. Remus had kept his hand pretty much hidden until the half hug.
"Oh..." Remus tried to pull his hand away but Sirius had a pretty good grip on his wrist. "I think I hit if off the--the corner of the bedside table. I d--don't really remember."
"How come Pomfrey didn't heal it up?" Peter asked, while James went to get a board game for them to play.
Remus managed to get his hand free, averting his gaze from all his friends. "She... did... b--but the medicine I take for--my other stuff--kinda slows the healing process. That's--th-that's all." Merlin it sounded feeble even to him. He was feeling too distraught to come up with proper lies. Sirius's eyes were narrow slits while Remus felt like he might just pass out from mental anguish right there and then. But before he could, James finished setting up the Hippogriff Flip game so they began playing that instead of talking about Remus's hand. Remus didn't do so well since he was so distracted by Sirius plus he had to use his left hand so that didn't help, though James teased it made him feel better about being left handed.
That night Remus tossed and turned, waking up multiple times, sweaty, shaky, sick. He went to the bathroom twice to vomit, the second time just curling up on the floor, hugging his knees, feeling stupid. At least it didn't seem like Sirius had gone to anyone with his suspicions. He had kept them to himself. And soon they'd be gone, with the fake-silver.
Which, thank Merlin, came the next morning. An owl he didn't recognize dropped an envelope in his lap. When he picked it up he could feel something inside. He ripped it open to find a necklace. It looked silver. It looked so much like pure silver that he gave an involuntary shiver before hesitantly taking it out. It was a thin chain and at the end was a small pendant, just an oval. One side had a closed eye the other side had an etching of a brain. Remus wanted to laugh at the reference to Occlumency, assuming that's what it was.
He glanced up, hoping his friends were looking at him. They were. "I can't believe my mum sent this to me," he said, slipping the chain over his head.
"What is it?" James asked.
"A Muggle necklace, but--she always called it her g-good luck charm. She sent it for the exams. It's not magicked though. But it's really n-nice." He cupped the oval in his hand, wrapping his fingers around it. "It's pure silver so--so she says it's extra lucky."
"Oh, that's neat!" Peter said.
Sirius was now staring at the necklace. "Pure silver?"
Remus looked up at him, forcing a smile to remain on his face. The way Sirius said that had to have meant he had had suspicions. It made Remus want to run off and throw up again, or cry, or both. "Yes," he replied, holding it up by the chain. "Isn't it cool?"
"What's that symbol mean?" Peter asked, squinting at the closed eye.
"Oh, I don't know." Remus tucked the pendent down into his shirt, making very sure Sirius saw it slide against his neck, as much skin touching it as possible. "I'll have t-to ask her. I guess it's k-kinda dumb for a boy to wear a necklace but... I'm going to wear it through the--the exams." He touched the tiny lump on his vest, immensely grateful for Miss Fawley. He wasn't sure what she would say when he confirmed Sirius had been wondering if Remus was a werewolf but...
Or maybe Sirius hadn't been. Maybe the curious tone in his voice had just been that? Curious that the necklace was silver? And not him suspecting? Was Remus reading too much into it? Like he seemed to always do? He wasn't sure, but if Sirius had been he wouldn't be now. He felt mostly relieved (though still wanted to know, had he suspected?), knowing he owed Fawley a lot for this. He couldn't ask his parents for money to repay her so he'd have to figure out on his own. Maybe he could make her something? Some cookies? This needed more than just cookies. Perhaps his mother could teach him to knit and he could knit her something. Something really soft, with a good texture.
But...
Remus still didn't feel convinced it was enough. He worried about Sirius all through class, thinking that the necklace wasn't enough, having a terrible feeling about... well, everything. During Charms he pulled his necklace out, toying with it between his fingers since he was partnered with Sirius and it would give him a chance to see Remus touching the silver again. He knew he should just let it drop. If he started pressing it would make things worse but...
But.
Finally Remus pulled some parchment close, writing out a note. Six words without even thinking about it.
Sirius, am I a bad person?
He didn't let himself think about whether it was a good idea cause he knew it wasn't so before he could change his mind he slid it over. Sirius tugged it closer then began writing underneath his message, sliding it back. Remus nervously read the note.
why would you even think that? - SB
That's not a yes or a no.
merlin your a great person who said you werent? ill hex them - SB
All right then you have to hex me.
wat? why would you even THINK this about youself? - SB
Remus stared at the parchment for a moment, telling himself not to do this, not to do this, big mistake.
You don't think I'm evil or anything?
Sirius didn't write back a reply. Instead he raised his hand. "Professor, I need to go to the bathroom," he said then without waiting for Flitwick's permission he grabbed Remus and dragged him out of the classroom. As soon as the door shut behind them, Sirius pushed Remus against the wall. "What the bloody hell is going on?!"
Remus looked down at the ground, heart swooping around, skin starting to feel kinda scrape-y. "N--nothing."
"Something. Merlin. Merlin." Sirius raked his fingers angrily through his hair. "Remus, you're like... the least evil person I know. You're a good person. Is--is this because of Operation BounceIt? Cause that's funny, not evil. Or is it something else?"
Remus pressed himself harder against the wall, the darkness seeping out as absolute happiness seized him. 'Least evil person'. Merlin. Now that was evidence there. More than anything else. He doesn't suspect, he thought, trying not to smile. He never suspected. No one would ever call a werewolf the 'least evil person' or a 'good person'. Ever. A twelve year old suspecting for a couple months definitely wouldn't ever even consider a werewolf to be good. Especially one from a pureblood family, raised on the savage monster tales. A pureblood family that has a werewolf executed once. And--the way Sirius said it, Remus knew he was telling the truth. He was honest saying he saw Remus as good. Which meant, not a werewolf.
He practically wanted to hug Sirius. He doesn't suspect!
"Just, thinking about things," Remus said, trying to scramble for a good lie. "Not j--just BounceIt. I guess I worry sometimes I c--come across as mean. When I... I say things..."
"Like what? You're not. You don't. You can be sassy but that's not evil." Then Sirius's forehead got all wrinkled. "Did... we make you feel this way?"
"No. You guys didn't do anything. It's just me. I guess I'm feeling so anxious over the exams I'm rather agitated." He realized when he said that that he was plucking at the sleeve of his robes. Which really reinforced his statement.
"Well, you're dumb," Sirius said with a smile. Remus smiled back. "You are a good person though, okay?"
"Yeah... Okay. Thank you... Sorry, I--"
"It's fine. I think you just... get really stressy easily." Sirius put an arm around him pulling him towards the door. "You should relax."
"I'll relax after the exams."
Sirius let out a puff of air and conked his fist against Remus's head gently. "Total idiot. Come on."
They went back into the classroom, well aware everyone was giving them curious looks (especially James and Peter). But Remus felt too happy to care. He didn't know, he didn't suspect, he never suspected. He had been overreacting, seeing too much into the smallest of things. A glance here, a coincidental comment there--that wasn't evidence. Ugh, he had been a total idiot! Oh well. At least things were okay now, and everything could go back to normal.
When they sat back down Remus went back to toying with the necklace again, thinking it was good that he got it anyway just in case he needed to use it someday.
*
Remus felt on cloud nine the rest of the day. Even when Sirius talked to the other Marauders about what happened and James and Peter both got super concerned, he didn't care. James even offered to cancel Operation BounceIt but Remus promised he was on board for that, he thought it'd be hilarious.
"Okay can we cancel it then choose to do it again but because we've canceled it we need a new name for it?" James asked, skipping away as Sirius tried to kick him.
Even Lily noticed how cheerful he seemed during study group, remarking on it afterwards. "It's good. You've seemed rather down lately."
Remus had a huge smile plastered across his face, probably looking like an idiot. He just couldn't stop. "I am feeling pretty good," he replied, hugging his bag of books to his chest. "I'm very stressed out about the exams however... I don't know, I'm just in a very good mood today."
"I am so stressed out!" Lily moaned. "I know we worked ourselves up about the others--the minor ones... but these are the big ones so I'm really worried. What if I fail?"
"You won't," he replied, stepping closer to her so he could lightly bump against her. "You're brilliant. You're going to get Os in all the classes."
"Not all," she sighed. "I'm not so good in a couple of them." He gave her a surprised look since as far as he knew she already did. "History... can be difficult for me," she admitted. "I've never been great at memorizing those sorts of details. And some of my written stuff isn't great in other classes."
Remus pulled his bag over his shoulder. "I thought you got Os in everything."
Lily shook her head sadly. "No. Not quite. Not like you."
"I don't get Os in Potions, or Defense," he said.
Now that surprised Lily. "You don't? In Defense? What? But--I've seen some of your essays, you're really good with that."
Remus looked down at his shoes, regretting ever bringing it up. "I suppose I panic during the tests or som--something I don't know."
She gave him a sideways glance. "Plus it seems like Professor Dedenne doesn't really like you."
"Wh--what do you mean b-by that?" he asked, stiffening quite a bit.
"It's rather obvious in class, Remus. What grades do you get?"
He was watching his shoes again. "I d-don't really w-wanna talk about it."
Lily bumped against him. "That's all right."
Remus thought about the bet he had made with James earlier, about Dedenne leaving. He doubted that the position was cursed. Just because there was a bout of bad luck over the past few years didn't mean anything. His bad luck probably overruled that, and Dedenne would be there his entire time at Hogwarts. That would be his luck.
*
On Thursday after Potions (total disaster, they didn't have partners so Remus's potion was this super thin liquid that ate through the spoon that Slughorn had tried using to scoop it up. Slughorn congratulated him on making extreme acid then made it disappear; of course the Marauders wanted to know exactly how Remus made the acid which he said he couldn't remember) James wanted Remus to try to find a good spiderweb spell but Remus begged his friends to put that off until after the exams, pointing out they'd have plenty of time after the exams to do all the research they needed plus practice. James thankfully relented. Then the four of them went out to Fort Dragon so they could work on it while Remus studied.
Lectured, whatever.
He sat on the dragon rock, reading out from the Astronomy book while they worked, knowing they weren't really paying attention. They built up the crudely made walls, Sirius sticking them together as best he could.
"Some day in the future we'll be able to transform them into proper walls," Remus noted, stretching his legs out.
"A real secret clubhouse," said James with a nod.
"Siri--you can make a banner with a dragon on it!" Peter exclaimed.
Sirius brushed some sweaty hair from his face. "I could do a skull and bones like pirates, only a dragon skull instead."
"Yes!" laughed James. "Perfect."
Remus ran his finger across the photograph of the moons orbiting around Mars. "You guys nervous about the exams?"
"Nope," Sirius said.
"Course not," James said.
"Y--yeah," mumbled Peter. Remus gave him an encouraging smile.
"What are the names of Mars's moons?" he asked.
Sirius flicked a pebble at Remus. "Is one of them called 'Nerd'?"
Remus rolled his eyes, flicking a pebble back at him. "No. Come on, Sirius, you should be good at Astronomy."
"Cause of my name?" Sirius snorted loudly. "I mean, I could definitely tell you stuff about mine, and Regulus's star. I'm the brightest star in the sky!" He flung his arms out proudly. "I'm part of Canis Major, called the Dog Star, annnnnd!" He spun around in a circle then winked. "I'm bigger than the sun."
James wiped some sweat from his forehead. "My name means 'supplanter'."
"I've no idea what mine means," sighed Peter.
"Mine's from a Roman legend," said Remus as he closed his astronomy book and looked up at the sky. Or rather, the very few flashes of blue through the vivid green leaves. "Remus was killed by his brother Romulus, who founded Rome." He couldn't help but grin. "Good thing I wasn't a twin, huh?" he asked which made his friends all laugh. He did not tell them other parts of the legend which included the fact the twins had been raised by a wolf. It did make him wonder why his parents chose the name. Remus Lupin. They practically named him Wolfie McWolf.
Normally thinking about his name would get to him however today it didn't. He still felt super happy. It was like ever since Sirius said that the previous day--about him not being bad (therefore not a werewolf)--he couldn't stop feeling good. Like a great weight had been lifted off of him--which it had been, really. He lay back, closing his eyes, enjoying the warmth. He wound up falling asleep, waking up when Peter shook him gently, stating it was time for supper.
Remus slithered off the rock, appreciating how much work the Marauders had put into the fort. It was coming along pretty nicely. Hopefully it lasted over the summer. He yawned loudly, feeling super sleepy still, stumbling along until James stopped and offered him a piggyback ride. Remus refused at first but after he tripped a couple more times he relented, climbing onto James's back. He was in such a good mood that it didn't even trigger any anguish over the contact. His arms around James's neck, his body against James's back, James's hands around his legs. It felt fine. He didn't want to rip himself apart because someone else was touching him. He wished he could feel this way all the time, be able to do this whenever.
He looked down at James's messy hair then over at Sirius and Peter. They were all joking, teasing each other. Just for this moment it was like the day they became the Marauders: a blissful day he'd remember forever. The first day of June. His friends laughter, the hot sun, James carrying him, the feeling of absolute joy, the feeling of being touched without the terror, the feeling of knowing his friends didn't suspect. He knew he'd still have to be careful but this one time he actually felt free.
He felt like a normal boy.
It was perfect.