We rode up the coast draped in a heavy cloud of silence. As if a heavy, darkened thunderstorm loomed over our heads in the car about to burst open. Bodhi’s foot hit the accelerator harder and harder the further from school we got. The engine hummed with speed overpowering the sound of the shitty pop music flowing through the speakers.
We didn’t speak a word to each other. We didn’t even look in each other’s direction. We simply rode to our mutual destination side by side with our lips sealed. I stared out the window, catching my pale reflection in the glass. My hair tousled with sleep, and my face drooped with exhaustion. Before Bodhi had come, I had only been asleep on Dex for maybe two hours. I knew in my gut it would be a long night for both of us. But I couldn’t think about sleep now. My only concern landed on my mother. Was she ok? Was she even alive? What happened?
Bohdi turned a three-hour drive into a two-hour drive. Either the lack of traffic on the interstate or the sickening speeds he chose helped us along. We made great time. I didn’t dare look at the speedometer needle moving across the glowing numbers with every push of his foot. I wouldn’t complain or nag him about it this time, because desperation hit us both. As time went on, my mind drowned in depressing thoughts. The moment the overhead lights beamed above us and the moment the traffic didn’t exist, neither did my rational thoughts.
Did Kacee exaggerate about Mom’s condition? Was Mom really dying, or was she just dehydrated from the Flu my father said she had? But Kaycee is Kaycee….. She didn’t freak out over small incidents. Kaycee didn’t cry. Kaycee just did things without anxiety or thought. Always the rational one. She thought every situation through to the end and weighed the pros and cons. So hearing her wailing on the other end like the apocalypse had come---made me rethink this whole “mom is ok” act. Dad didn’t seem concerned. He hadn’t even called us to say something was up. So it couldn’t be that serious, could it?
“Did,” I broke the silence in a whisper, as Bodhi took the exit to our hometown. “Did Dad mention anything to you about Mom being sick?” He stopped the car at a stop sign and looked both ways. He locked his eyes on my face and shook his head.
“No. He said she had the flu, and that’s why she wasn’t there last night.” His voice dipped low and cracked under his suppressed emotions.
“Yeah--that’s what he told me too.” I sighed, as Bodhi moved the car again to another abandoned highway.
“I’m sorry about dinner,” he blurted, as he shook his head. He ran his left hand through his brown hair and kept his eyes on the road.
“Yeah,” I muttered. Because I sure as hell didn’t want to tell him it was ok. It wasn’t. His behavior wasn’t acceptable one bit. But it was the least of my worries now.
“Can you just,” I took a deep breath and looked out into the darkened world. “Can you just not bring him around me?” I pleaded once again, reverting back to high school when I begged him to stand up for me. When I begged him to get Zane to back off of me and leave me alone. It was futile then, but maybe it wasn’t now.
His teeth gnawed into his fingernail, and he shook his head. “I feel like we’re back in high school suddenly.” He muttered without malice and looked over at me with skepticism written on his face. “Are you ever going to let me know what happened between you two? Why the bad blood?” He asked, quirking a brow. As he pulled into the large hospital’s parking lot.
“Am I going to have to kick his ass?” He growled in frustration at my silence. Yes. Please punch him in the face, but save his dirty balls for me. My foot belongs there.
I closed my eyes as the car came to a halt in a parking spot. His intense stare burned holes through my body like I was an open book. He searched me for answers I couldn’t willingly give him. I grappled with my thoughts. I could tell him. I could just tell him right now. But what would it change? What could he do now? It happened in the past. A past I desperately wanted to get over and move on from. It sat like a ghost in the back of my mind and haunted my dreams. My life. I wanted it to end but now wasn’t the time. Not now. Later.
“Just---something bad. But I---I don’t want to talk about it. I just want him to leave me alone.” And you know, not corner me in the bathroom or anywhere else for that matter. I treaded carefully with my words and held the calm mask over my face. He examined my neutral expression and nodded in agreement. Although I could tell he held back with reluctance.
“He asks about you. You two are so weird with each other. Was it what he did in high school? That bullshit he put in your locker?” I rolled my eyes. That was the least of my worries. He put fake snakes, dildos, condoms, and anything nasty you could think of in my locker. He fucked with me. He scared potential dates away from me.
“Or the girls he sicked on me? Or how the whole male student body couldn’t even talk to me without getting threats? I’m surprised I made it out of senior year alive. Bodes, he made my life hell, but it goes beyond that.” He nodded again and swallowed hard. He took the keys out of the ignition. If he really knew what had gone through my head through our senior year. If he really knew how dark and low, my mind had sunk. He’d be shocked. Shit--- I might not have been sitting here right now.
“I don’t feel like I’m getting the whole story about him and you.” He said staring forward. I swallowed the lump in my throat, ready to forget this conversation. I reached for the door handle, my heart on edge with whatever waited for us.
“I’ll tell you when I’m ready,” I whispered, making his gaze whip to me. Anger burned in his irises like a hot fire ready to explode, but not at me. No----it wasn’t me his anger burned for. It’s like he could sense what really happened between Zane and I. But he had no proof. Maybe he knew. Maybe Zane had done it to someone else along the way. That thought sent shivers through my body. I really hoped not. I never wanted another woman to feel his wrath or the pain.
Bodhi opened his mouth and then closed it again several times. Debating with himself on what he should say. His knuckles turned white around the door handle and he just nodded stiffly.
“Let’s tackle one thing at a time?” I questioned, pointing to the hospital. “It’s time to face this first.” He nodded again without a word and we got out.
The lobby of the hospital looked more like an extravagant hotel lobby. Fit with an indoor waterfall, a piano player, and overly expensive decor. We stalked toward the front desk.
“Hello, can I help you?” Her pink vest covered the long-sleeved, leaf themed shirt she had on, but displayed the name. “Dorthy”.
“My mother, Mercy Cole, was admitted a few hours ago. We drove three hours to see her.” I had to convince this volunteer that this was urgent. We had traveled a good distance to be here to be by her side. Despite the fact visiting hours had ended a few hours before. I gave a weary smile, and she quickly typed into the computer.
“Ahh, yes. Your mother is on the fourth floor. Although technically, visiting hours are over.” She said sharply, pushing her glasses up her nose. I held my breath at her words. There was no way I would wait until morning to see her. It’s late, almost 3 in the morning. I am kind of surprised to see someone at the desk, period.
Bodhi leaned in, exposing his muscly arm, and smiled at the old woman. Giving her that beautiful, confident Cole smile that would work on any other woman. But this old bag? Bodhi would have to step up his game. His disgusting, charming game.
“Please, Miss----Dorthy.” He said letting his eyes linger on her nameplate. “We don’t know what’s wrong with her and she’s our mom. Can we please?” She sighed and peered around the empty lobby.
“Fourth floor, room number 419. Take the elevator up to the Oncology floor, take a left, and she’ll be there. But please, stay quiet and respectful and if anyone asks. I didn’t see you.” All the color drained from my face and a hot force field encased my whole body. My mind turned numb. My eyes focused on the volunteer standing in front of me. Small shadows danced at the edge of my eyes before I could utter the only word that caught my attention.
“Oncology?” I gasped out as Bodhi took my elbow, and we walked toward the elevators. My legs wobbled when we entered the elevator and Bodhi pressed the 4th-floor button. He leaned against the wall and folded his arms across his chest.
“Y-you heard what she said?” I asked in a small voice, barely getting my heavy tongue to cooperate.
“Yeah? 4th floor? What about it?” He asked like the fucking bonehead he is.
“Oncology---Bodhi.” I gasped out, as the elevator carried us up towards our Mother. “Bodhi, it’s….it’s the cancer floor.” I barely gasped out. His hand ran through his hair, and he shook his head.
“No fucking way! They—they would have told us!” He hissed in anger. His eyes darting back and forth in disbelief.
“Would they, though? Kaycee said a month ago something was wrong with her. She...she was crying….. and now this ‘flu’? God... What if she dies? What if…..” my eyes burned as I laid the back of my head on the mirror of the elevator, trying to regain myself. Trying to regain my thoughts before they leaped off the hysterical cliff I moved towards.
Bodhi swiped a hand down his pale face and shook his head. “Moms tough. She’s a fucking Cole. Cals, she’ll be fine. Don’t jump to conclusions. Maybe they are at capacity or something? Maybe they just put her there cuz of no beds?” His Adam's Apple bobbed. As he tried to rationalize the meaning behind her fourth-floor room. Of course, it could be that, but I knew in a hospital this big, it wasn’t.
The elevator dinged, and we exited toward the hallway. We kept our heads down and voices quiet as we navigated our way towards her room. Trying to be as inconspicuous as possible so we weren’t thrown out for coming at such a late hour.
My heart stopped, and I threw my arm out. Catching Bodhi’s chest as we rounded the corner and stood before 419. My father chewed on the tip of his fingernail, staring daggers into the white-coated doctor standing in front of him. A clipboard rested in her hands, as she shook her head and pointed to different words on the papers attached. My father nodded and took deep breaths with every word the woman said, but I couldn’t hear anything from where we were. They murmured more words together, and the doctor patted Dad’s shoulder before taking off down the hall. He ran his hands down his face, sucking in big breaths. Tears rolled down his cheeks, but before anyone could notice, he swiped them away.
“Come on,” I whispered to Bodhi, and we took a few steps forward. Catching dad’s attention as we carefully strode towards him.
He immediately narrowed his eyes and scowled. He turned his face and scowled more at Kaycee, who sat in chairs behind him. Her blue eyes dripped with worry and her blonde hair stuck up in places I didn’t know was possible.
“Let me guess,” my father said in a deep, disapproving tone. “Your sister called after I explicitly said not to.” He growled in frustration.
I held up a hand. “Don’t blame Kaycee, ok? She was worried and crying and she needed us….” Bodhi and I finally stood before him as he sniffled.
“Just like I think you could use us too,” Bodhi added, placing a hand on Dad’s shoulder.
Dad bit his bottom lip, and his massive frame deflated in defeat. He swallowed hard, nodding his head. “I’m sorry,” he whispered and looked back at Kaycee, who shrugged.
“It’s ok,” I whispered. “We just wanted to be here for you. For Kaycee... and for Mom.” He nodded and placed an arm over both of us. Giving us each a small side hug.
“What’s wrong with mom?” Bodhi asked, his voice breaking from the high tensions around us.
My dad nodded and Kaycee came and stood with us, closing the half-circle we formed. Her blue eyes danced between the three of us. Dried tears lined her cheeks as her lips quivered.
“Will you finally tell me? Us?” Kaycee asked in a quivering voice. Bodhi and I placed an arm on her and pulled her into us. Encasing her in the love and support she needed. Because apparently, my parents had let nothing slip.
“She’s just dehydrated,” my father said, closing his eyes. “The chemo.” He hiccuped at the words like he hadn’t spoken about to anyone.
“Is it serious? Do we need to worry?” I asked with a churning gut. Leaning deep into my father’s warm embrace. Trying to show him I’m here for him. We’re all here for him. For her. We are a family.
“Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.” He breathed. “It’s all been removed surgically. But just in case, she had to undergo Chemo to rule anything else out. But she’s doing ok. She just got the flu, and it was too much for her body to take. They brought her here for observation and fluids. She should be stronger in a few days.” He gulped the lump in his throat. Trying in vain to keep the burning tears in his eyes and not on his cheeks. But with the love I knew he felt for her after all these years, he couldn’t help it.
“Cancer?!” Kaycee shrieked in horror. Her voice echoing in the abandoned hospital hallway. “I... I live with you!!!” Kaycee stepped back and hugged herself. “How could you??? How could you not tell me she was sick?? She... she had surgery!?!?” She shouted. Taking more steps back until she glared daggers into dad. His face drained of color and he shook his head, stepping forward. But every step he took, Kaycee’s small frame drifted backward. Similar to two positive magnetic ends, constantly pushing against each other.
He folded his hands together, silently pleading with her to hear him out. “We didn’t want to take you away from your studies.” He turned around and looked at Bodhi and I. “We didn’t want to worry any of you. Her success rate is over 90%. We didn’t want to upset any of you.” His voice broke, and his emotions gave way like an unstable levee in a flood. Twin tracks of tears fell down his pale cheeks.
I side-eyed Bodhi, who looked just as shocked as me. His jaw clenched together, and his nostrils flared. “We... we get it, Dad. We understand your reasoning.” he gritted out and I wasn't sure he actually meant it.
“This is bullshit!” Kaycee cried out from behind Dad again. Stomping her foot in dramatic effect and then turned on her heels. She stomped down the hall, slamming the stairwell door, muttering curses under her breath as she went. And then... she disappeared.
Dad licked his lips and ran his hands down his face."We thought we were protecting you." His voice is low and rough. Like he’s still fighting the urge to break down again.
“She’s just upset. She’ll be back. And we get it, seriously. But from now on, no more secrets?” I put my hand on his forearm and squeezed. He nodded his head and ran a hand down his face again.
Bodhi stepped up too and put his arm around Dad’s shoulders. “Whatever we can do, Pops. We will be here.” Bodhi whispered, and finally, Dad gave in. He pulled us both into a hug and cried his troubles away.
My parents are the pillar of strength and courage. My mom came from a verbally abusive home with a narcissistic mother who never cared for her. In the time I’ve been alive, my mother only mentions her every so often. She’s been to therapy to help heal her soul, but also learn tactics on how to cope with the fact she could have turned out the same way. My father grew up in a loving home, but his life took a turn when the addiction took hold of him. Twice. He’s gone to meetings. He’s done everything he could over the past twenty or so years to better himself. They’re strong. But they’re also human. Humans can only hold their strength for so long, before a feather lands on them and they collapse. My mother’s cancer diagnosis has obviously been the feather that broke my father’s guarded walls. Bodhi and I can’t repair him, but we can be the stilts that hold him upright. For now. Until the storm passes.
We settled in for a long night. I texted Dex and Jade to let them know I’d be gone for a while.
Dex: Stay safe. If you need me, call me. Take care, babe.
His words meant everything to me. He supported me beyond belief. My heart clenched inside my chest. My brain, still torn on what to make of Dex and me. But I didn’t want to push him away. I wanted to cling to him and never let him go. Butterflies fluttered inside my chest at the thought. No---the actual potential. Nothing held me back now. He knew my secret, and that only strengthened our bond. We could be an us, an item—a true couple.
Jade: Jesus Cals. I send my love to mama cole. Whatevers wrong I got you.
I failed to mention the cancer diagnosis to either of them. I simply said she got sick. I still processed the diagnosis on my own.
The three of us loitered outside of her room for a few hours on soft, cushioned couches situated outside her door. My father went into her room a few times, but she had passed out hours before. Her body is too worn out and exhausted to maintain consciousness.
I looked down at my phone, scrolling through Reddit to take my mind off everything. Anxiety weaved its way into every one of my molecules. Anger and hurt sat right behind it. I tried my hardest not to blame my dad. I could see where they came from and why they hid it. Everything piled up. Zane. The cancer. The attack in the bathroom. I am scared for my mother’s health, but at this moment I needed her. I needed her to tell me every bit of my life and her life would be ok. We’d be ok.
It made me feel selfish to want her to console me. When she should be the one getting consoled.
I got up from my seat to run from Bodhi’s snoring. I paced the hall and found my dad had finally crashed too. Worn out from the emotional rollercoaster the past 24 hours had been. He finally looked peaceful. Well—as peaceful as a large man could be crammed into a tiny hospital chair. I smiled down at him and then at Kaycee, who sat on the ground beside him. Her blonde hair stuck up everywhere, as she leaned her head against his seat. Her blue eyes were hidden behind her closed eyelids. And it seemed like everyone had found their peace, but me.
I sighed as I stood outside Mom’s hospital room. Debating with myself if I should check on her or not. I didn’t want to disturb her in any way, but my curiosity got the best of me. I needed to see for myself what state her health was in.
I walked into the darkened hospital room. Tiny beeps and small whirling sounds emanated from the small machines around her body. An IV stand above her poured nutrients back into her weakened body. Her heart rate beeped evenly on the heart monitor. I licked my lips when I saw her. Her skin appeared so pale in the darkness, it almost seemed ashen in the sparse moonlight. Under her eyes seemed sunken in, and dark circles formed under them. I could physically see the sickness beneath her skin, making it more than real.
I grabbed a chair from the corner of the room and as quietly as possible moved it to the bed. I sank into the oversized seat and just stared. Her hair was thin, probably from the chemo treatments. Before long I’m sure it’d all be gone, but so would the cancer.
I reached forward and wrapped my hand in hers. The coldness of her fingers seeped into the warmth of my hands. Startling my spine straight and my muscles rigid. I swallowed hard. This is real. This is happening right now, and there’s not a damn thing I can do. I can’t reach in and take all her cancer and pain away. I can’t. All I can do is sit here, hold her cold hand, and pray to God she survives.
I leaned against the bed, resting my head on the warm blanket. My eyes closed for the briefest moment, reveling in the bed's warmth and the sound of my mother’s constant breaths.
Fingers worked through my hair, stroking the strands with love. I peeked my eyes open, almost telling Dex how happy I was to have him with me, before realizing I wasn’t home.
“Mom,” I whispered in disbelief. The room was still dark, but could make out the grin on her face.
“I see your father let the cat out of the bag finally?” She questioned. My eyes burned at her words. “He was so persistent we kept this whole “c-word” under wraps." She said flicking her wrist.
“Why?” I rasped as her fingers drifted across my face. Wiping the newly shed tears from my eyes and smiled.
“He hates to worry you kids. He thinks he’s superman or something.” She laughed lightly, her fragile body shaking.
I smiled as she cupped my face. “He thinks he’s doing us a favor by not telling us.” I croaked, shaking my head. “But if I’d known, I’d..m”
“What? Taken yourself away from school? Dropped your classes? Callie,” she whispered and slowly pulled the blankets back. “Come here.” She said patting the bed, and I smiled.
“Just like we used to,” I said as I crawled into the bed and nestled against her. It felt like everything in my life was right again. Just by having her wrap her arm around me and pulled me close. Her chin rested on my forehead and we sighed contently.
“It feels like yesterday I held you just like this, in a hospital similar to this." My mother whispered, kissing my forehead. “You were the most beautiful baby I had ever laid eyes on.” She smiled again and held me tighter.
“Even compared to Bodhi?” I whispered sarcastically.
“Especially compared to Bodhi, but don’t tell him. He might get jealous. He was always so jealous of you.” She laughed a little, shaking the bed again. “He’d follow you around like a lost little puppy. He really looked up to you, Cals.”
“And then he turned into an asshole,” I muttered, and she hugged me tightly.
“He’ll grow out of it, baby. You both are finding yourselves. You’ve barely dipped your toes into the adult world. Have patience.” I took a deep breath and nodded my head.
“From the moment I looked into your beautiful big, brown eyes, I knew trouble would follow your every move. You always had this knack to seek it out. But I knew, baby. I knew.” My heart clenched in my chest as she squeezed me tighter. “I could always tell when your world was about to collapse. I could just sense when you were drowning….” Her voice choked up, and she kissed my forehead again. “What’s wrong, baby?” She whispered, grasping tighter. “I can see it in your eyes.”
I wanted to tell her everything. Zane. Dex. All about the bullying in high school and why it happened. I wanted to lay my burdens before her and present them. But I bit my tongue. Here she was carrying a literal disease inside of her body. A true burden. More of a burden than mine.
I took a deep breath and let my burdens out. My body shook, and wetness flooded my cheeks. I clutched onto my mother as she whispered encouraging things into my hair. She caressed me as I shook, and finally, my emotions came to a halt. My tears dried, and I looked into her eyes. As her thumbs glided against my cheeks, taking my tears away.
“Zane’s back,” I whispered, and her body tensed against me.
“Is he bullying you again?” She whispered, and I nodded.
“He just… please don’t worry. I’ll be ok. He—I---At dinner last night he came into the girl's bathroom to talk. Just don’t tell Dad... don’t worry about me.” I swallowed the lump in my throat, trying to leave out as many details as possible. Her eyes widened. “But, Mom. Please. Don’t worry about me. I shouldn’t lay this on you now you’re so sick and need to…”
“Bullshit!” She said with conviction, cutting me off. “If that boy lays a finger on you again, I’ll cut him into little tiny pieces.” My eyes widened at her words. Did she know? Did she know what he did to me in my bedroom at 17?
“I always hated that boy,” she said, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. “Gave me the creeps the way he looked at you like a piece of meat. Sometimes I wondered…...” She growled, clenching her teeth together.
“I hate him too,” I whispered. “But I won’t let his presence ruin my time. I have so much more now.” She caressed my cheek again and nodded.
“When did you grow up?” Her smile reached her ears as her eyes examined mine. “I’m so proud of the woman you’ve become, Calliope. You’re a league ahead of where I was at your age. So grown-up….. so beautiful, inside and out.”
“I like to think I learned from the best,” I whispered, and she grinned more. A pleasant glow shined off her face.
“But there’s more, isn’t there? Go on, tell your momma what’s going on in your life.” She said, and I knew there was no backing out of this heart to heart. As much as I wanted to protect myself and her, I couldn’t stop myself.
“I’ve met someone, he’s special. It started out as…. well…. nothing. And then, out of nowhere...I…” she smiled again and nodded. Her eyes drifted up towards the ceiling as if she was deep in thought.
“I had one of those once. I swore to him I wouldn’t get attached after we knocked boots. And you know what happened?” She reconnected our gaze, and I shrugged. “He asked me to marry him over twenty years ago.” I scrunched my nose at her words.
“You and Dad?” I asked, and she nodded.
“I had gotten out of a horribly abusive relationship, I’ve warned you about boys like that.”
“You have.” I agreed.
“Your dad and I met under strange circumstances, but we fit. We worked. And no matter what I told myself…. I knew I loved him.”
“I... I don’t think I’m in love just yet... but…”
She smiled again and gripped my chin. “You’re very fond of him. I can see it in your eyes. That smile the mere thought of him gives you. You don’t have to love him yet or ever. But don’t you for a second go another day without telling him.” I swallowed hard.
“But I... telling him? I that’s….”
“Callie! How is he supposed to know how you really feel? If he’s so special….”
“He walks me home every night. He checks up on me. He makes me feel…..” Oh God, this boy. He makes me feel feelings I told myself to stay away from. “He makes me feel worthy, loved, and whole.” Another tear fell from my cheeks and she swiped it away.
“I’m not sure why you’re telling me.” She smirked, and I rolled my eyes at the implications.
“Fine. I’ll tell him…... but what…”
“No! No what-ifs! Whatever happens, happens. Isn’t that what you preach on the radio?” My eyes widened and all the color drained from my face.
“What?? What radio? What?” I stumbled through my words with a heavy tongue. And she just smiled the sweetest smile, still stroking my cheek.
“The fun thing about your college is they broadcast the radio station on their website. You give good advice, Cals. Plus Jade told Yvette all about it and in turn….”
“Fucking Jade and her big mouth,” I grumbled, nuzzling my nose into the comfort of my mother’s neck. My mom chuckled.
“I’m surprised it took you this long to talk about it.”
“I talk about dicks and sex, Mom. Why would I ever tell you?” I grumbled again, heat taking over my face.
“Relationships too, Cals! You give good advice.” She reassured me.
“You haven’t listened recently, have you?” I asked, feeling mortified from when I had been Dex there between my legs under the desk. I had moaned...so fucking much on air. To think my mom could have been listening at the time. Oh god.
“Not in a while,” she confessed, easing the panic clutching my chest.
“Oh, thank fuck,” I muttered into her neck. She chuckled again and soothed my hair down as we settled into the bed.
“And that’s it, my love? Is that all that weighs on your chest?” I closed my eyes, her voice is softer and more exhausted.
“Just you,” I muttered. “Just my worry for your health and…”
“Baby, I’ll live. It’s out of me. They got every trace.”
“But the chemo?”
“Just to make sure. It could have spread. It could have been a lot worse. But I’m here, and I like to think you got your fighting spirit from me. Don’t worry, baby. Go back to school after this. Dad’s got me. I’m not going anywhere for a very, very long time.” I smiled at her optimism. She had overcome so much in her life, and to her, this was a small blip on her radar. Something she wouldn’t let stop her from moving forward and moving on. I needed her strength. I needed her resilience to move forward with my life.
But for now, I’d stay cuddled tight to the woman who gave me life. I’d stay by her side until she kicked us out and sent us packing back to school. And then I’d focus on my next move, an important move.
I’d follow my mom’s advice. I’d tell Dex everything. I’d confess he meant more to me than a fuck buddy. I’d confess I wanted more from him than a roll in the sheets. If it went bad? Then I’d have put myself out there. And for once in my life, I wouldn’t back down. I wouldn’t drown in confusion. I knew what I wanted, and it started with the letter D.
Dex, not dick.
Well, maybe that too….
●●●●●
Everyone do me a favor and go hug your moms for me. ❤❤