Remus was under the impression that maybe this lunar cycle was not as difficult as the previous months that anticipated the incident in the woods. He experienced some excessive tiredness sometimes, had dreams about hunting and felt a familiar frustration but up inside him when it came to finding food that would satisfy his cravings. But he didn't feel irritability the way he did before and even feeling nauseous about some scents in specific days of the cycle, it was all bearable. Until now. The week before the transformation was a nightmare to him, worst than last month for sure. It almost seemed as if all the symptoms of lycanthropy agreed to fuse into different, and new, manifestations.
This month the manifestations were more at a psychological level. Remus was more sensitive to light and scent as he would normally be, but that was nothing compared to what was going on inside his mind.
Only two nights after staying with Severus, where he was confident enough about himself to undress in front of the other, were enough to change everything. Remus was dealing with extreme discomfort about his image, not only feeling bad about scars and weight but also having a hard time assimilating his body as his own. It didn't matter what he did, he just couldn't feel comfortable on his skin and looking down on himself, all his proportions seemed to be wrong. This was a touchy thing for him, he didn't like to admit he worried about something that seemed so futile.
Lupin was almost grateful that, for being such an exaggerated sensation of dread about himself, it was fairly easy for him to know this wasn't real. He speculated this was happening because in less than a week he would turn into something completely different and since now he was always conscious during it, shapeshifting into something you hate could cause some type of distortions on his perception. And still, it didn't make it any less cruel. He truly felt as if that was true, that people were seeing him the way he saw himself.
This morning, in particular, was a hard one. Lupin woke up and decided to avoid looking at himself too much. Which was going fine until he touched his face and realized he had to shave. The task itself didn't take long but the harm was already done. Nothing in the world could dismiss this haze of disgust and strangeness he felt while looking at himself. He also didn't want to feel his body at all, but just like everyone, he had to get changed. It also didn't help when he felt his body be wrapped on clothes that were tighter than his pajamas. Something that would go unnoticed all the time, but not today.
Severus was disappointed he hadn't seen Remus yet. He took his time eating to make sure he wouldn't miss his company but apparently, it didn't matter how long you try to stretch the life span of toast in your plate, eventually, you will run out of it.
Dumbledor was exchanging some looks with Minerva, who shrugged, meaning she also had no idea where Lupin could be. The old wizard could almost swear he saw some tenderness on Minerva's expression while she glanced at Snape. Almost saying that he would survive until lunch.
When Lupin entered his classroom, the last students were also making their way to the desks. It was rather dark inside, so he opened the windows as he passed.
Looking at the students, he noticed practically all of them had a potions book opened and notes were being exchanged like precious goods from the black market.
"Good morning everyone" Remus said in a clear tone to catch their attention
When you're a teacher, you grow used to people staring at you, but today this was such a delicate matter, he didn't want to be seen by anyone. So he decided to try something different.
"As I can see by the textbooks, you will all be taking a test in the second part of the morning, am I right?" Remus asked with his crooked smile
Some brave students nodded, looking at their open books nervously.
"I was going to begin a new chapter today, but since our evaluation will be next class, I've decided to leave this time to answer some of your questions. I'll be at my desk. And at least try to hide the potions book, I have feelings too" he said narrowing his eyes in a playful way
Lupin felt release while observing most students smiled and laugh a bit. They were all nervous and there was simply no possible way anyone could attempt teaching a subject before Snape's tests. No one would pay attention. This was by far the best solution he could come up with. He was even impressed some students actually went to his desk to ask about his subject. Miss Granger was one of them, of course. She would never miss the opportunity to ask anything.
Harry also asked a couple of questions he had written on his notebook on previous classes. It was always nice to help him. And Lupin was particularly proud of him now that he was learning how to perform the Patronus charm.
When the class was over, he glanced at the vessel printed on the cover of the potions book and had an internal panic attack for two seconds. He didn't get the Wolfsbane with Snape today. He was going to do it after breakfast but he was feeling so bad about his shape that the idea of eating wasn't appealing.
The first students of the day were leaving the dungeons and Snape was there, bored to death on his seat just waiting for the other students to enter and start taking their tests. When he rose from his chair, he felt an object weight inside his pocket. He put his hand there instinctively and froze for a second. Shit. This couldn't wait. He was about to say the test would have to wait for ten minutes when he had a glimpse of Lupin walking fast on the corridor.
"I'll be back shortly" Snape said casting a spell while pointing his wand up
The students were trying to take a look at the test sheets but now they had nothing written on them anymore.
Remus and Severus looked at each other in a mixture of "sorry, my bad" and "how did we let this happen?". Snape closed the door behind him and looked around. Meanwhile, Remus was really nervous to have Snape there, he was convinced his appearance was bad and the last thing he wanted was to be seen by the other.
The Slytherin handled him the potion and Lupin looked around once again to see if anyone was there. After that, he drank it all at once, making a face in the end. The taste wasn't exactly pleasant.
"Oh how could I have forgotten to add the chocolate essence to it?" Snape teased in a low voice
Lupin smiled and laughed for a brief moment, giving the vessel back at him.
"Now go, you have an entire class to terrorize" Remus whispered
"And to think it's only ten o'clock, I am right on schedule" Snape teased further
Lupin observed Snape wait about five seconds to enter the classroom, he changed his expression into a mask of apathy and opened the door again.
Later that day, Snape was finishing his lunch in a painfully slow pace, overly aware of the sounds coming from the door behind him. Lupin didn't show up. Again. This could be ok on many occasions, but certainly not a few days before the full moon.
Snape took a long deep breath. Remus could be hiding something from him again. It irritated him to think of it this way, but he remembered not to make it worse by being rude. So he got a few things from the lunch table. As he did so, he noticed Dumbledore had his eyes on him. Snape blushed a bit, his body heat seemed to be betraying him. Dumbledore smiled on the corner of his mouth and glanced at the pudding that was served in front of Severus.
"Curse you"
Snape thought to himself. That was Lupin's favorite dessert. He couldn't just and simply not take it with him.
"You won this time"
The Slytherin though as he got a portion of it and got up from his chair.
Dumbledore observed Snape pass close to him with a blank expression, but slightly more exasperated than usual. Now the old wizard simply couldn't wait to share this with Minerva on their tea his afternoon.
Remus was in his office. He was hungry but the didn't want to eat anything. And yet, maybe he should since the Wolfsbane he had on an empty stomach made him dizzy. Adding more mental confusion wasn't exactly what he was hoping for.
He closed the windows, making it dark inside the place, also magically darkening the mirror he had there.
Lupin was sitting on his chair and he could feel his skin brushing on his clothes. Since he was seated, he avoided looking down on his thighs and stomach, knowing it would be unpleasant. And yet, he could feel his arms touching his torso on the sides, which was supposed to be normal but at the present moment, it was triggering to him.
"This isn't real, this isn't real" he mumbled to himself while touching his head on the side and closing his eyes
He has so distracted that he didn't notice Snape's steps in his classroom.
The wizard in black approached the closed door carefully. He could hear a low mumble inside the room and also noticed that it was dark inside.
"Remus, are you in there?" He asked after knocking
The mumbling stopped.
Remus felt tempted to remain silent, but how could he?
"I am... but I don't want to see anyone now. Sorry, Severus" he replied sounding upset
"None taken. What is happening? Are you feeling nauseous?" Snape asked, still with the door closed
"No, it's... something else"
This time, Snape could listen to his voice better, Lupin was closer to the door.
On the other side, Lupin sat down on the floor, his back touching the closed door. He was more to the corner, unconsciously trying to make himself shrink and occupy less space.
Snape could listen to his breathing on the other side, it was very likely that Remus would cry soon. Not wanting to cross his limits, he sat there too, on the other side where Lupin's shadow was.
"I'm right here" Severus said to him trying to imagine what could it be
After a few minutes, Snape noticed Lupin wasn't crying yet. But he sounded disturbed as if something was tormenting his thoughts and he was still enduring it. He kept mumbling something about 'that' not being real.
"I'm coming in" Snape announced
"No!" Remus replied instantly
"I'll open it a bit, then" Snape said as he did so
The Slytherin was still sitting there and he asked for Lupin to come closer. Eventually, he had a glimpse of him sitting close to him, inside the dark classroom. There was something off about him, maybe he could be shaking due to anxiety.
Lupin knew he was being unreasonable and he was sure that if Severus wasn't there he would be feeling worse. But what finally made him start crying was when he felt Severus hand touching his own.
Snape was terrified for a moment. Was he hurting him? But when he felt Lupin cross their fingers together, the Slytherin decided to enter the room at once. Lupin would have to forgive him later.
Without standing up, he entered the office and as soon as his eyes found Lupin, he placed his arms around him. He delivered a kiss on his head, close to his ear, out of instinct.
Remus had mixed feelings about it. Being hugged was all he needed but also, having someone touching his body made him more self-conscious.
"Don't... don't touch there" he said when Severus placed his hand on his waist
"Ok... Is it hurting?" Snape asked confused
Lupin inhaled deeply. This was so embarrassing to explain. He was a grown man, not a teenager. This was just so stupid and childish.
The werewolf didn't answer and Snape waited some time to ask him again. Remus was very reluctant to talk about it, and Severus insisted further, still believing he was in physical pain.
"No... it's just... I'm feeling very uncomfortable with my body in the last days. I know this is all in my head but I don't want anyone to look at me... or touch me" Lupin said to him
Snape let go of him instantly, mumbling something in the lines of "I had no idea" in an apologetic way. To Severus, this was unimaginable. Lupin was so attractive to him that it felt unfair to take his clothes off in front of the other. Even when Remus gained or lost a bit of weight, he was still perfect to him.
"I've always found you handsome, Remus. That night you made me a surprise I couldn't take my eyes of you" Severus whispered on his ear in a non-sexual way while sitting by his side
They were silent for a while until Remus gathered his courage to continue.
"I hate my skin... I got so upset when I woke up after a transformation and my face was scratched" Remus remembered painfully, feeling some tears forming on his eyes
That was maybe one of Lupin's worst memories. He was still a kid when it happened, but he knew right there that it would never fade away, just like his curse.
One of the things he hated the most was to have fresh wounds almost every month, even when he was locked up somewhere the wolf would make him bite himself out of frustration. There was simply no place on his body that was free of marks and sometimes it was sad just to look at it.
"I don't care about your scars. Even these ones. They even add some charm to you, if I allow me to say so... I can't explain it" Snape said following the line of one of the old scars on Lupin's face, without touching it
"You're lying" Remus accused
"I'm not" Severus promised. "I find you attractive the way you are. And I'm sure not the only one... May I ask why you didn't eat today?" Severus asked
Remus was growing more and more uncomfortable with the conversation. Sometimes Severus knew exactly what to ask.
"I don't want to talk about it anymore, ok?" Remus answered
"Still, Remus, you should eat something" Severus insisted
"Don't push it, I mean it" Remus replied starting to feel his skin press against his clothes again
Severus didn't want to ask any further questions, he knew Remus' politeness was on its limit. He could tell it could be something related to weight, but he also didn't like the topic much. There should be something he could do about it. While the Slytherin searched for an answer, he looked at the seeling and fond a spiderweb with a very long dark spider hanging from it. That image made him remember a potion he could use.
Snape looked at Remus and waited for him to look back.
"I think something might help you. Wait for me in your room, I won't be long" He said getting up and leaven the room
Lupin did as asked, reluctantly, of course. He would gladly spend the rest of his life there in his office. As soon as he reached his bedroom, the Gryffindor started to speculate what his lover could be plotting. But Snape didn't give him too much time to wonder, being back in a few minutes, as he promised.
"Now fetch me a set of your clothes, please" Severus said in a mysterious way
Lupin didn't understand anything but did as requested. In the meantime, Severus cast the Muffliato Charm on Lupin's bathroom.
When Lupin saw him getting hair from his hairbrush, he finally understood.
"No way, you're..." the werewolf said in disbelief
"You need to see yourself the way others do" Snape answered simply, getting inside the bathroom
Lupin waited patiently sitting on his bed, Snape was so ingenious. And he even silenced the bathroom so he wouldn't hear him transforming, which must be a painful thing.
Inside the bathroom, Snape took some deep breaths before taking the potion. He reached the conclusion it would be better to put Remus' clothes later, not wanting to run the risk of damaging them. He also sat on the cold floor, knowing his balance to be a weak point when he felt pain.
Severus added the hair to the Polyjuice Potion and drank it, this amount would be enough for an hour. It didn't take long for him to start feeling nauseous and dizzy, his entire body was changing and the pain came from absolutely everywhere. But, as soon as it started, it was completed and Severus stood up to look at the mirror.
He had never taken this potion before. It was rather fun to see himself through Remus' face, his expression was still his own. He touched the scars on his lover's face and imagined what it must feel to have them there every time.
Snape didn't want to be too intrusive, but he allowed himself to look down for a moment before starting to get dressed. It was a weird thing to be in the body of someone he found attractive. He touched the collarbones and chest shyly, it was awkward and yet he looked at his reflection completely fascinated. When Snape finished putting on Lupin's clothes, it was soothing to feel Remus' scent on them. The Gryffindor also took care of them differently than Snape, little things that were unimportant and yet so interesting to make mental notes about.
When he opened the door, Lupin looked at him in surprise. He covered his mouth instinctively. So this is how he looked today. It was a strikingly ordinary image, there was nothing wrong with his proportions, his weight wasn't exactly what he wanted but it was surely ok, and surprise, his scars were under his clothes. A huge sense of relief ran across him as if he had woken up from a nightmare.
Snape didn't say a word, not wanting to distract the other. He came closer and Lupin made him turn here and there, also touching some very specific places on his body. The Slytherin felt tempted to say something when Lupin was caught up checking his arms. He looked at his own body and back at Snape, sometimes with a confused look, as if he wasn't looking at the same thing.
Lupin seemed to be more at peace, however, Snape couldn't avoid noticing his lover was still a bit mean on his look on some parts of his own body. It had never occurred to him that Remus, being so nice to everyone, could be so mean to himself.
Snape took a moment to think it further, while Lupin was still checking his belly and arms. He would be pretty upset to see Lupin's gaze being so critical on his real body. And he hadn't eaten today yet. How much does Lupin have to hate someone to starve this person?
"Do you mind if I take your shirt off?" Lupin asked, making Snape snap back to reality
Severus said no with his head and started to undo the buttons. They became shy while doing so, they would only undress each other for sex and when their eyes met, the two Lupins smiled in that characteristic way.
"Do I always smile like this?" Remus asked
"Most of the times" Severus answered, breaking some of the magic by sounding like himself
Snape looked at Lupin's lips and neck without noticing it. He thought this could be an interesting thing for them to try out in the future. But perhaps it should be discussed first. Lupin also seemed interested, it was visible some sexual ideas were going on inside his mind, only that today wasn't the best day to be touched too much.
Remus continued looking at his own body being displayed in front of him. First taking some steps back to look from a distance and later seeing up close. He followed the lines of some scars on his stomach and chest.
Snape was trying his best not to react to it, but it was difficult to keep his hands to himself. He also noticed that while being on Remus' body, he was more sensitive to touch than on his own. Maybe that could explain some things.
When Remus touched Severus' shoulder, their eyes met again. Remus got a bit closer this time and whispered in his ear.
"Don't move"
Remus leaned more and after approaching the other slowly, still making up his mind in the process, he kissed him. At first, Remus was hesitant, but later he touched Severus on his chest, running his fingers on the familiar lines of his body. It was more envolving than they had both anticipated but soon Remus stopped.
"That was odd. But nice" Remus admitted shyly
"I agree" Snape answered in a light-hearted way, it was great to see his lover smiling again today
Since they broke the ice, Remus asked to see the rest of his body while the potion was still acting on Severus. He also asked him to sit and move around to observe himself do all that.
To Severus, it was all good. He didn't like to be observed so intensely but it was for a good cause. Lupin started this obsessed about some parts of his body and now he was asking him to put some clothes on the see how they look in the back. Even if Remus' perception wasn't back to normal, he wasn't crying in a closed office anymore.
Remus was being hugged by the other while they sat on the bed. He saw their reflection on the window and he couldn't avoid thinking that maybe he should love himself a little more. Overall, he was seeing another Lupin put his arms around him.
Suddenly, he heard his lover gasp in a painful way. Time went by really quickly and Severus was starting to go back into being himself. Remus helped him get his clothes off and although Severus wanted to be alone for this, the transformation was going to happen there on the bed.
Hearing Severus in pain wasn't something easy. The wizard was trying not to be too loud but when he got to his normal height it simply hurt too much.
Remus covered him and touched his dark hair when it was over. Just like last time, the pain was sharp but very volatile.
"I can't believe you go through much worse every month" Snape said sitting down touching his temples
"I can't believe you did all this for me. I couldn't thank you enough... I feel so much better... I'm still uncomfortable but made all the difference in the world to me" he said kissing him
They continued talking for a while and Snape made a huge point out of going to the dungeons to continue his studies on a potion for pain during the transformation. This time, he wanted to make sure it wouldn't hurt in both transformations and also wanted to add a component to keep Lupin calmer during it. This experience taking the Polyjuice Potion made Snape realize how important this was. It was a scary sensation to feel his body changing all of a sudden. And now he would be able to verify his progress on himself, taking some of the test potion and later the Polyjuice, to see if it works.
Lupin gave him company while he did some reading. It was interesting to see him making notes on the corner of his books. His favorite ones also had parchment between the pages and multiple marks.
This time, Lupin went to the Common Hall to get them something to eat. And when he returned, Snape was already on his first try. The fumes coming from the caldron were heavy and the flames were high. The potion's mater was focused and Lupin let him be, going for walk at the dungeons and later to his own dorms.
The numbing potion Snape had prepared the last time was focused on lessening scent, sound, and light. After today, he believed it was necessary to add a component for touch. Maybe this episode could have been induced, among other things, by over sensibility to tactile sensations. Lupin needed something for his five senses during the lunar cycle and something for pain that wore off fast. Not feeling pain as a werewolf could be dangerous, he could get hurt and not notice it for hours.
With that in mind, Severus stayed up all night over his caldrons and books. He was absolutely exhausted, but not sleepy. During the night he managed to produce another type of substance that was out of his comfort zone. He had never been much of a fan of crystallization methods, preferring liquid potions. But this potion was so intricate and multifunctional that it was worth the try.
He knew how to balance potions to numb each sense separately better than trying to combine all in the same one. This was clear on his attempts on the first numbing potion for three different senses. So instead of adding more uncertainties to his potion-making, he prepared five individual ones, one for each sense. All at an unusually high temperature and concentration.
Later on, he made a small portion of one of them levitate, cooling it fast while it was still on the air. The shock in temperature made it crystalize and a solid tiny stone was levitating in front of him. On top of that, he did the same with the second potion, enclosing the previous layer. Happy with the result, he continued until he had the five layers combined, one enclosing the other.
When he was finished, the ones that were absorbed quicker made the first layers and the ones that required more time in the body were on the core of the little crystals. Lupin would have to take them every day on the week before the transformation, but it could, potentially, make him more stable during the course of it.
Snape applied the same logic for an additional potion for pain, however, this one would be liquid. The first action would be effective for only half an hour. And the second one would only take place at the moment Lupin felt intense pain again. It would work, as long as Remus didn't get too injured while transformed.
When Severus was finished, he could hear the students starting to walk on the corridors. He panicked a bit, he still had to clean the place and get the test cheats.
To his luck, Lupin showed up before class and he helped him with the task. He looked curiously at the crystals, they seemed to be made of glass and each layer had a different color when put against the light. He had never seen anything quite like it before. Just the idea of a solid potion was enough of a mind blow right now.
Severus was agitated, typical of someone who didn't sleep. Since Remus didn't have to teach in the first period of the morning today, he convinced Severus to rest while he applied the test to his students. The dark-haired wizard didn't love the idea but agreed, not willing to fall asleep on his seat.
Before the first students started to enter, Severus took his new potions to his personal stock and locked it carefully. He would explain it all to Remus later.
While Remus was applying the test, he was still adjusting to Snape's brilliance on potion-making. Severus had anticipated a couple of things while cleaning the tools and it seemed something that only he could conceive, especially in one freaking night. Lupin simply couldn't wait to take Snape's new inventions. For the first time in his life, potions reminded him of kindness, and not of a curse.