By the time Thursday came Remus felt exhausted. It hadn't even been 48 hours since seeing Fawley however he had been on edge every single second. Every time Sirius spoke to him he felt a buzz of fear going through him. JUST TELL ME! he wanted to shout. WHY DID YOU LOOK AT ME WHEN YOU SAID THAT?!
He tried to be his usual self but all the fear plus the full moon coming up he was just plain exhausted. And going into History on Thursday seeing 1600 - 1699 with a list of highlights. 1637: Werewolf Code of Conduct did not help one bit. Remus shifted his gaze downwards as he took his seat. Slowly he took out his parchment, copying down the list. Werewolf code of conduct, he spelled out carefully, taking in a rather sharp breath before moving on to the next event. He was still writing when Binns began droning on. He sounded the same when he talked about the Goblin Rebellion of 1612 as he did when he mentioned Olga Sapling had been in 1624, as if both events were equally boring.
"The werewolf code of conduct," Binns said, "was formed in 1637 by the Wizards' Council in hopes to end the attacks the beasts inflicted on magical society. The code of conduct was an agreement the werewolves would sign promising they would lock themselves away during the full moons. This backfired as not a single werewolf signed the agreement. There is great debate over the reasons why. Some say the werewolves did not want to be outed as werewolves because of anti-werewolf feelings, some say they did not want to be outed in order to continue their murder sprees, while others insist it is because werewolves are dumb savages. In 1641 Edmund Flume first opened the doors to what has become the most popular sweets shop in Britain: Honeydukes..."
Remus underlined the words dumb savages with a rather violent jerk of his quill.
After an eternity the bell rang. Binns assigned some homework then drifted through the wall. Remus shoved everything in his bag, barely hearing his friends' chatter around him as they left the classroom. I need to bring it up somehow, he thought, chewing the inside of his mouth.
"Could Binns be any more boring?" James complained as they headed towards the Great Hall. "Blimey, a goblin rebellion sounds interesting. I'd like to know more about that."
"Then how about you crack open a book for once, Potter?" Lily asked, swinging her bag over her shoulder as she gave him a snooty look. Remus liked Lily but in that moment he despised her for cutting into what would have been a great opportunity to bring up werewolves.
James stuck his finger in his mouth, making loud gagging sounds. "Huuaeeeegggh! I'll just have Remy tell me about it."
Lily stomped her foot. "He's not your personal encyclopedia!"
James just gave her an innocent look in return. "What on earth's an encyclopedia?"
"That's a little bug that has a hundred feet that zip around," Sirius said.
"No, that's a centipede. An encyclopedia is a big monster that only has one eye," Peter said.
James grinned. "No, that's a cyclops. An encyclopedia is a big tunnel of wind that destroys everything."
"No, that's a cyclone," Sirius said. "An en--"
"You lot are absolutely barmy!" Lily snapped, flouncing ahead.
The other Marauders laughed then James apologized to Remus in case they upset him by upsetting Lily. Remus couldn't help but smile. "I'm just impressed you know what centipedes, cyclops, and cyclones are."
"We're not completely stupid, you know!" James protested as he threw an arm across Remus's shoulder. "Only mostly stupid."
The moment to bring it up had gone. Remus knew if he tried it would sound weird so he'd have to wait until later. He'd be able to wiggle it into a conversation somewhere, probably while lecturing them to do their homework. When I'm not friends with them anymore, will they ever do their homework at all? he wondered as they walked, James's arm still around him. He knew it wasn't really his problem, but he couldn't help but worry about that.
*
Remus didn't go to study group that night. He doubted they'd discuss the whole code of conduct stuff very much however he just didn't want to deal with it. Not when he felt this on edge. He stretched out in his bed to work on homework while James tossed a ball around, and Sirius and Peter were playing some sort of hand game that just looked like it involved hitting each other's hands. None of them were really talking mostly just listening to music. He needed to mention werewolves. He didn't want to... however... he needed to see Sirius's reactions.
His stomach hurt so bad.
"You guys sh--should be studying," he finally forced himself to say.
"I am," James said. "I'm studying to see if I can use magic wandlessly and silently by stopping the ball mid-air. S'not working though." He cracked a grin, tossing the ball again. "Nope. Better keep trying."
Remus sat up, pulling his History book onto his lap. His heart felt like it would just burst out of his chest with as hard as it was pounding. He was surprised the others couldn't hear it. "Come on, let's do a little bit at least. Binns threw a load of dates at us today. We can go over those."
"Boring!" Sirius said as he smacked Peter's hand.
Remus ignored him, pretending to look at the text in front of him. His vision was almost pulsing with each heartbeat. "What notable event happened in 1612?"
"Someone boring was born," Sirius replied. "Or someone boring died. Or else something boring happened."
"The Appleby Arrows is founded," James said, swinging his legs around to sit up.
"The...? N--no, the Goblin rebellion happened," Remus said.
"And the Appleby Arrows is founded," James repeated. "I'd love to learn the arrow spell." He pointed his wand, closing one eye as he aimed. "Shoot one right up Snape's nose."
"Not much of a difficult target," Sirius laughed then yelped as Peter got a particularly hard smack in on his hand.
Remus took in a deep breath. "What about... 1637?"
"That's when that Timmy Fidget guy made it rain fish for three days straight, right?" Peter asked.
"Tymmelius Finedge and no, that happened in 1645," Remus mumbled. His tongue felt like someone had put a swelling hex on it, and his throat was tight. "1637 is the werewolf code of conduct. Any of you even remember what that is?" He was looking as casually as he could at Sirius who was still smacking hands with Pete.
"Yeah, the werewolf code of conduct states that everyone has to do the Full Moon Howl," James said then jumped up to his feet, standing on his bed. "AWOOOOOOO!"
"Shut up, Jimmy, no one wants to hear you howl," snapped Sirius.
"AWOOOOOO!" James kept howling, ignoring Sirius. "What was the line? About being bitten?"
"Does it matter?" Sirius asked rather stiffly.
"It's a good song--"
"No, it's a crap song." Sirius had been looking at James but he shifted his gaze back to Peter. Remus froze when Sirius's gaze slid past him. On purpose? Or accidental? Had he just imagined it?
James stopped jumping, looking put out. Hurt. "What's got your wand in a knot?"
Sirius pulled his hands away from Peter, folding his arms. "I think it's a dumb song. I don't like it."
"Why?" James demanded.
Remus felt violently sick because he was 100% sure Sirius glanced his way before saying, "I just don't." Except... maybe not 100% certain. 99% for sure. 95%. Maybe. 85%? Okay had Sirius looked his way or was it just his imagination? It could have been his imagination. He felt dizzy trying to think, wishing he could go to Fawley right now and rewatch the memory so he could pay closer attention to Sirius's eyes.
Remus looked down at his book, stomach hurting, chest hurting. Part of him just wanted to shout, do you know!?
Sirius finally said. "I guess I'm just in a bad mood tonight."
"What's up, mate?"
Sirius shook his head. "Nothing. I'm going to go get a shower." He gathered his stuff, sweeping out of the dorm room.
Remus clutched his History book to his chest, knowing he had caused this cause of the stupid code thing. He looked at James who had a very injured expression as he climbed down off his bed.
"What's going on with him?" Peter asked, moving closer to James.
"Dunno. Maybe..." James trailed off then shrugged. "Who knows. Except I probably should." He rubbed one of his arms in an anxious manner. "I thought I was his best friend," he mumbled under his breath.
Peter nudged him. "He probably didn't want to say anything cause we're here. Remus and I can go downstairs so you can talk to him when he gets back. Er, if that's okay with you?" he asked Remus.
He shut his book. Getting away from Sirius seemed like the best course of action. "Yes, that's fine."
James smiled. "Thanks guys. I'm just kinda worried about him. I haven't seen him react like this before..."
"We understand," Peter said then grabbed one of his comic books before noticing Remus's intense glare then he guiltily grabbed some of his homework as well. "C'mon, Remy."
They went down to the common room, wishing they had the courage to try and take one of the best couches near the fireplace (even in hot weather with the fire pretty much nonexistent those were still the prime seats). James and Sirius often did but Remus and Peter just settled for some chairs in a little nook area. Remus tried to study, to help Peter, but his mind kept going to Sirius, to all the possible clues. Or, not clues. They could be coincidences. Or just Remus's imagination. He really couldn't say whether or not Sirius did glance his way when saying he didn't like the song.
"Remus? Hellooo?" Peter waved his hand in front of Remus's face, drawing him out of his thoughts.
"Sorry, I've got a lot on my mind," Remus said, realizing his voice was a little bit shaky. Peter frowned. "I'm not feeling too well either, to be completely honest." Might as well start now since I'll be disappearing tomorrow night.
"Do you need to go see Pomfrey?"
"No," he said, leaning forward so he could poise his quill over his parchment. "I think I'll be okay. It isn't very bad right now, just a little tired. Plus worried about Sirius."
"Me too. He seemed really weird. Like, I mean, he snapped at James?"
"Yes that is strange." He began writing out the beginning of the essay Binns assigned, mind still drifting. He wanted to ask Peter if Sirius had said anything unusual about him lately. Kinda wish I could do legilimency. His gaze drifted over to the stairs. If I could just look into his head, to know for sure. Without any doubt. The only way to have no doubt was to ask him which he could never do. Hopefully my plan of the fake silver helps...
*
James and Sirius seemed to have made up. They were all smiles when Remus and Peter returned to the dorm late in the evening, though Sirius didn't really explain his behavior to the others. That night Remus had nothing but nightmares of Sirius saying cryptic remarks about werewolves while staring directly at Remus. He woke up a few times (not screaming) then finally morning came. He was super exhausted, especially with a four moon starting that night, hardly able to focus in classes but he didn't want to miss any. He dragged through morning classes then slept through lunch. When Sirius woke him up for Defense, all three of his friends flinched at how horrible Remus looked.
"I'll take you to the hospital wing," Sirius said.
"No... I need to go to class," Remus argued, grabbing his bag.
"No. You need to see the nurse."
Remus swayed a little when he tried to stand up. "You just want to bunk off," he accused as Sirius took hold of his elbow, guiding him out of the Great Hall.
"That's a perk, yeah," Sirius laughed.
"I don't want to--" Remus tried pulling away and nearly fell over. Sirius just grabbed hold of him again. "I can walk on my own."
"Sure." He didn't let go.
They walked in silence for a moment, Remus far too dizzy; he probably would have fallen over if it wasn't for Sirius (which made it all the more infuriating). "Are you doing better?" he finally asked.
"Me?" Sirius asked, eyes widening. "What kind've question is that? I'm fine."
Remus couldn't look at him anymore. "You just seemed upset last night."
"Oh, that. I'm fine. Didn't mean to upset you."
Remus searched for something else to say. They were alone, it'd be a great time to mention werewolves--except probably not since it was a full moon and he'd be disappearing for the entire time. "You didn't upset me," Remus replied, "just worried me a little. You never snap at James like that."
"Yeah, well, he was being irritating," chuckled Sirius. "That stupid song."
"You really hate it that much?"
Sirius stopped walking, staring at Remus. "Don't you?" he asked.
Remus licked his lips, terror pouring through his body as he tried to put some logic into that reply. What did Sirius mean? "Um, why would I hate it?" he finally asked.
"Because you're pretty much the only first year not singing it?" Sirius waved his hand around. "Guess I just sorta thought you didn't like it."
"I--I don't," he admitted as they started walking again. "Then again I'm not a big fan of the group. S--some of their songs are all right, I guess, but... overall they don't really... strike a chord with me." He gave a hopefully somewhat believable grin to Sirius who snorted. "I thought you really liked the group." Stop pushing the subject, this is bad territory on the day of a full moon!
"Ehh, I did but that song was just kinda weird. I dunno. It just seems..." He trailed off into silence that lasted way too long for Remus's comfort. "Nasty."
"Nasty?"
"Like, with the vampire song--it was really nice. But this one just... really upped the whole monster thing."
Remus swallowed heavily. "Werewolves are monsters."
Sirius stared at him again in a very... scrutinizing sort of way which made Remus feel even dizzier. His vision started going black around the edges, his skin crawling, itching. The wolf was pacing around inside of him--always close to the surface this time of the month, the smallest of things tipping the scale. He thought he might vomit.
"Merlin, you're looking worse. C'mon." He went faster, practically dragging Remus behind him.
He knows, he knows, he knows. Remus glanced at Sirius's hand clamped around his elbow. He doesn't know, he's still touching me. What did that mean? What in Merlin's name did that look mean?! He stared at the back of Sirius's head, at his beautiful inky black waves. He wanted to stop, to grab Sirius, shake him, demand an answer. Demand the truth.
He knows.
He can't know, he's touching me.
They got the hospital wing where Sirius finally stopped his speedy pace then put his other hand carefully against Remus's back, pushing him ahead. They went into the wing together, Remus's nose itching as he fought back tears. The pendulum inside his head kept going back and forth.
He knows.
Then why is he touching me?
Once he got the fake-silver then he'd be able to tell for sure, and also blow any suspicion out of Sirius's head.
Unfortunately, Sirius hung about for a while. Pomfrey tried to get rid of him but Remus said he didn't care, since he knew Sirius didn't want to go to Defense, even though he really wanted him to go so he didn't have to think about everything right at that moment. Finally he made Sirius read out of the book for a while Remus lay down, listening to his voice until he fell asleep. When he woke up, Sirius was gone. Pomfrey carefully took him out of the school, on the look out for anyone who might be watching them going out into the warm sunshine.
It's almost June, he thought as they went across the grounds towards the Whomping Willow. This time next month I'll be home. At least the next full moon would be after going home so... this would be the last time being in the Hogsmeade house until September. He gave a shudder, thinking about going back into the cellar at home. Ugh.
*
Sunrise came, the wolf shrinking into his small human body. Remus lay still for a few minutes then sat up, rubbing his forehead. His body was fairly unscathed and the wounds on him were mostly shallow except for a really nasty one on his leg. He was able to get up without any trouble, staggering to the bathroom to get cleaned off. He was very surprised he was so... uninjured. With all his fears of Sirius he fully expected there to be loads of gore. Once again he wondered just what being the wolf really meant.
Back at the school he quickly ate down a large breakfast, glad he was feeling well enough to do so. The chocolate drinks were nice but a plate full of bacon, eggs, and toast was amazing. Until Pomfrey began talking. Then he just felt sick.
"Your friends tried sneaking in again last night, very late in the night," she said.
Remus set his fork down. "Are they in trouble?"
Pomfrey gave a sigh. "No. Against my better judgement I took them back to their common room and I haven't told Minerva. They seemed really upset about being unable to see you. They may show up today..."
"I--I think they c-can come see me, I'm feeling decent," he replied, beginning to eat again. "I'm sorry th--they caused trouble. I'll talk to them."
They came in just before lunch. Remus woke up, hearing voices just outside his door, sitting up a little bit as the door swung open allowing the Marauders to come in. They were all quiet now, probably expecting him to be asleep. James grinned when he saw Remus sitting up. At least they didn't look as shocked by his sickly state like they had the first time.
Peter set some chocolate in Remus's lap then all three of them sat on the bed with him. "We brought you this," he said in a very soft voice.
"Th--thanks. You don't need to whisper though."
Peter looked embarrassed at that. "Ohh, sorry."
"It's all right." He pushed himself up a little more, trying to adjust the pillow behind him. Sirius practically dove down, pulling it up so he could lean. "Thank you. How was Defense yesterday?"
James and Peter went over what they had learned, James giving him his notes (a little more detailed than Sirius's, less doodles, still not great). Then Remus asked them about the night before, whether or not that they tried. James said it had been Sirius's idea and Sirius just shrugged, saying how worried he had been especially since they didn't know if they'd be able to visit.
"You looked awful when I left yesterday," he said, tilting his head a little bit. "Like, really awful. Worse than usual."
"You always say that," sighed Remus. He unwrapped one of the chocolate bars, breaking it into pieces to share.
"What exactly do you have?" Sirius asked, taking the piece. James and Peter stared at him in shock but Sirius kept his eyes on Remus.
"A--a g-genetic thing, blood," Remus muttered, breaking his own piece of chocolate up into smaller bits, focusing on them to keep himself calm. "I've said."
"Yeah but what exactly? What's the name?"
I--I d-d-don't want to--to t-talk about it."
"Why not?"
"Sirius!" James hissed out.
"What?" Sirius furrowed his brow, sticking his chin out. "I'm just curious."
"That's really personal," Peter said. "He doesn't wanna talk about it. He's said so before."
Remus chewed intently, terrified Sirius would keep pursuing the question. After a few seconds Sirius's shoulders sagged a little. "Yeah, you're right. Remy. I shouldn't have asked.
"It's okay," he lied, giving a shaky smile.
They stayed a bit longer, talking about various things, then they left when Remus started looking tired again. After the door shut he could hear furious whispering. James, angry at Sirius for pushing about the illness. Sirius insisting he was just curious and weren't they curious too? James told him yes but it wasn't their business. Sirius replied something about friends telling each other stuff which made Remus feel worse. Then Peter said, "Yeah well friends also don't push friends about personal stuff." Remus smiled, grateful towards Peter for that one. Then the Marauders left so whatever was said after that he couldn't hear.
He put the rest of the chocolate on the bedside table then fell asleep, having nightmares of Sirius shaking him, demanding to know what his illness was, demanding to know if he was really a werewolf or not. He woke up with damp cheeks, hoping that the fake-silver would help because he was not ready to end their friendship...