NOTE: Any historical inaccuracy is my fault and shall be remedied at final editing. There will be changes in the book, changes I will not put here.
Anyway...
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"KUYA, is everything okay?"
Napatingin si Knox kay Nash at napakunot-noo nang mapansin na mukhang nag-aalala ang lalaki. Kahit sabihing mabilis itong mag-alala ay hindi kailanman sa kanya. Nash trusted him not only as an older brother but as someone who always got his shit together. Nasa Berlin sila. Pinuntahan niya ang kapatid sa opisina nito na mas mukhang museum ng Marvel at DC kaysa opisina. It was the dream office of nerds.
"Why wouldn't I be, brother?" tanong niya, nakakunot pa rin ang noo. "Is there something bothering you?"
"Me?" Kumunot ng noo nito. Nash was a tall man like him, and looked somehow like him, but he dressed, moved, and thought differently. A lot of people would call Nash a nerd. He was the stereotype computer geek. May salamin ito, hindi masyadong marunong makiharap sa mga tao dahil masyadong mahiyain, at kung magdamit ay palaging T-shirt ng Star Wars. Nash also collected toys and action figures. Kung minsan ay naitatanong ni Knox kung kasalanan ba niya na naging masyadong protective sa kapatid noon na hindi niya ito na-encourage na lumabas at magkaroon ng matinong social life. He had friends but they were all like kids who talked about movies, books, and other nerd stuff. "You always do this."
"Do what?" Lalo nang kumunot ang noo ni Knox.
"You always make it seem like I know nothing."
Nagulat siya. "What the hell are you talking about?" Nilapitan niya ang kapatid. "I always make it seem like you know nothing? When did you ever even start thinking that? Alam mong ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit nandito tayo ngayon." Nag-alala siya sa sinabi ng kapatid. Hindi niya alam na mayroon pala itong ganoong isipin. Nash's opinions meant a lot to him. Kung mayroong isang tao sa buong mundo na napakahalaga sa kanya ng opinyon, iyon ay si Nash. He was probably the only one he trusted. And he trusted his brother with his life. Ang buhay niya nakalaan lamang para sa dalawa—sa kompanya at sa kanyang kapatid.
"Maybe so, Kuya, but you always avoid personal questions. You never tell me about you or the things you do. Am I your brother or your kid?"
Hindi agad nagawa ni Knox na makapagsalita. Noon lang niya naunawaan kung ano ang saloobin ni Nash sa tagal ng panahon. Did he really see him as his kid? Well, maybe. Siguro dahil noon pa mang bata sila ay isa na lang sinasabi sa kanya ng ina, at iyon ay ang huwag pabayaan ang nag-iisang kapatid. Silang dalawa na lamang daw sa mundo kaya magmahalan sila. Siya daw ang panganay kaya kailangan niyang alagaan ang bunso niyang kapatid.
When their mother passed away, Knox probably unknowingly took on the role of an older brother and parent. Siguro naibaong maigi sa kanyang isip na iyon na siya sa kapatid at hindi na kailanman naalis. Hindi kailanman dumaan sa isip niyang magkuwento sa kapatid tungkol sa personal na buhay. What was there to tell him anyway? Alangan namang sabihin niya sa kapatid ang mga kaswal na relasyon? O ang walang katapusang mga party na kailangan niyang puntahan dahil kailangan sa kompanya? O ang mga business meeting sa ibang kliyente na nagiging ordinaryo na lang na bahagi ng buhay niya?
Knox's life was not particularly interesting, but people seemed to think it was. Madali sigurong lumutang ang "social media value" noon. He was brushing elbows with the rich and famous, going to exclusive places and parties, had access to properties other people can only dream of seeing. Pero ang buhay na iyon ay maganda lang sa mga larawan dahil madalas na pinaghandaang talaga para sa aesthetic value noon. Of course, there were meaningful conversations in those as well, but they were few and far between. There were probably friendships made, but more importantly, connections were established. Iyon ang pinakamahalaga sa mga ganoong bagay. He would have gladly asked someone else to do it but he knew that would affect the company. Noong una rin ang niyayaya niya ang kapatid sa mga ganoong okasyon o aktibidad, pero hindi nito nagustuhan ang crowd. Nash had always been an introvert. Ito mismo ang nagsabing hindi na kailanman sasama sa mga ganoong okasyon.
Nash had access to everything most people wanted but he preferred staying in his room or office. Kapag umaalis ito ay kadalasang para lang sumali sa mga nerd conference. Minsan lang din nito gamitin ang impluwensiya ng kompanya at iyon ay para makakuha ng tickets sa Comic Con. Yes, Knox had always seen Nash as a child. In many ways, he behaved like so.
"I'm sorry, Nash." Napabuntong-hininga siya, saka naupo sa couch. "Come, talk to me. How have you been?"
Tumayo ito at naglakad tungo sa kanya. Sa katapat na sofa ito pumuwesto. "I've been okay. Ikaw ang dapat nating pag-usapan. Is there anything you want to tell me?"
"No." Itinaas niya ang mga balikat. "What is it that you want to know? Just tell me."
"Why have you been going to a shrink?"
Iyon ang huling bagay na inaasahan niyang sasabihin nito. He was quite frankly, shocked. "How did you know?"
"I always check your schedule. For the past year and a half, there have been confidential details on it. Akala ko noong una, girlfriend mo lang. After a year, I thought you might be getting married soon. But after I saw you looking like crap on our meeting this January, I started getting worried. I told myself not to worry because you can handle everything... but I can't shake away my suspicion that something was wrong. So I tracked your location from your phone just to find out who this girlfriend is. To my surprise, I found out it wasn't a girlfriend."
"You tracked me to my shrink's office," pagtatapos niya. Hindi na siya nainis malamang inaalam nito ng kanyang schedule. He did the same thing to him just to make sure he was okay. Knox's biggest fear is if his brother finds people who will take advantage of him. Mapagtiwala si Nash, hindi sanay sa mga taong hindi magdadalawang-isip na samantalahin ang kabaitan nito. He never thought that Nash also worried about him. But maybe they worried about different things. "Why are you worried about me?"
"Because Mama always told me to look after you. That you may seem in control but you're human, too."
That hit him right in the chest. Pinilit niyang huwag ipakita iyon sa kapatid. "She said a lot of crazy things."
"I think she's right though, Kuya. Tell me." Halatang nag-aalala ito. Siguro ay hindi kailanman inasahan ni Nash na makikita nito ang nag-iisang kapatid na nagpupunta sa isang psychiatrist. How could he tell Nash that even a year and a half in, he still suffered from insanity. May episodes pa rin siya kung saan ibang babae ang nakakasama sa kama, nakikita kahit nag-iisa, naaamoy, nahahawakan. It was fucking insane.
The shrink suggested for him to take medicines. He had psychosis. Lahat ng nararanasan niya ay psychotic episodes. He was experiencing things that weren't there. Kaya nitong nakaraang ilang buwan, bukod sa pagpapakonsulta sa doktor ay ihinahanda na rin niya ang isang kinabukasan kung saan wala na siya sa katinuan. He had purchased a retirement home away from the city, with a huge garden and space for him to walk around and do whatever it was that psychotics did.
Nang malaman niya ang diagnosis ng doktor ay hindi na siya nabigla. At the back of his mind, he knew it was something like that anyway. Nalungkot ba siya? Higit pa roon, nagalit siya sa sarili at dumating ang phase kung saan hindi niya iyon matanggap kahit pa sinabi ng doktor na may mga gamot para doon.
It was because it seemed impossible that he will ever get better. Sa kabila ng pag-inom ng mga gamot na ilang ulit nang pinalitan, hindi tumitigil ang psychotic episodes niya. He tried his best to control them but sometimes they were too powerful. Kapag umiinom siya ng gamot ay nanghihina siya. Those medicines changed who he was. He decided not to take them anymore.
Hindi iyon alam ng kanyang psychiatrist. Wala siyang balak sabihin. In fact, his visit to her last week was the last. Wala na siyang balak ipagpatuloy pa ang lahat dahil wala namang nagbabago. He only felt bad about the whole thing and that was making him depressed. Naisip niyang wala naman masamang epekto so far ang mga episode na iyon kaya pababayaan na lang niya. Kaysa naman magpatuloy siya sa pag-inom ng gamot na hindi na nga nakakatulong sa kanya ay lalo lang nakakadagdag sa problema.
He figured he was going to ride his insanity. Alam niyang mayroong posibilidad na isang araw ay tuluyan na siyang mabaliw, pero isa iyong bagay na handa siyang tanggapin, lalo na at parang walang paraan para matigil ang lahat ng episodes. They were never harmful anyway. He figured that since no medicine can help him get rid of the psychosis, he might as well do something new and ride it.
If his shrink can read his mind, he was sure she would up his dosage. But it was his life and he had decided to control it, no matter how idiotic that would seem to most of the population.
"Kuya?" pukaw ni Nash.
He sighed. "I'm having trouble with stress lately so I went to see the shrink."
"You have been going there for a while. Anything you need to tell me?"
Knox realized he cannot lie to his brother because he was too smart for that. Pero hindi rin niya kayang sabihin dito ang totoo. What the hell was he going to tell him, that he was losing his mind and there seemed to be no cure at all? Ayaw niyang mag-alala ang lalaki at siguradong papayuhan siya nitong humanap ng bagong doktor.
"I had some mental issues but everything is okay now. I took medications and I'm okay now."
"Are you sure?"
Tumango siya. "Everything is going to be all right." Nash did not need to worry about him. Ayaw niya ring mag-aalala ang kapatid sa kanya. He took care of everything. Sakaling tuluyan na siyang mabaliw ay nakalatag na ang plano sa kompanya. He had been busy for the past months taking care of that. Sa isang banda, mas magandang nalaman niya bago lumala ang kanyang lagay. At least he was able to take care of everything.
"You know that I'm here for you, right?" ani Nash.
Tumango si Knox. Alam niya iyon pero kailanman ay hindi niya aabalahin ang kapatid para sa mga personal niyang problema. Anyway, he was telling him the truth when he said that everything was going to be all right, at least for Nash. At iyon lang din naman ang mahalaga kay Knox. He made sure that Nash will survive and so will the company. Bukod doon ay natuto na siyang tanggapin ang lahat. Aminado siyang noong unang mga buwan ay para bang wala nang bukas dahil hindi niya matanggap ang nangyayari sa kanya. But now he was okay. He made peace with it. Suwerte pa rin siya, kahit paano. He had the means to survive that ordeal with dignity.
"Are you leaving tonight?" tanong ni Nash.
"Yes." Sinabi na niya rito na babalik siyang Pilipinas at sa pagkakataong iyon ay magtatagal. He will stay in the Philippines for six months. Pinakamatagal na niya ang isang buwan sa Pilipinas noon. His life was now spent mostly in Germany, in their headquarters. He spoke German quite well, like his brother. Habang wala siya ay may itinalaga siyang papalit sa mga oligasyon niyang hindi magagampanan at ayaw ring gawin ni Nash. He needed to have some time to recover. Iyon din naman ang payo ng psychiatrist niya.
"You will get better, Kuya. I hope I can come visit you when I can."
"We'll see." Tumayo na siya. Tumayo rin ang lalaki. Niyakap niya ito, mahigpit. Laman na noon ang lahat ng takot, pagmamahal, at pag-aalala niya rito. "Tama ka, malaki ka na." Kumalas siya rito at pinisil ang balikat ng lalaki. "I will call you every now and then."
"I expect you to."
Napangiti siya. A burden had been lifted. Of course, Nash will survive without him.
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