Warning: Contains a reference to low self-esteem, abuse, and thoughts of suicide
If you are struggling with negative thoughts like these, please ask for help. There will be someone to help you. Overcoming obstacles like these by yourself is so, so, so hard. I know from personal experience. Please look for help, speak to someone, anyone.
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Of course, I'm only 'interesting'. I am not 'pretty' or 'nice'. INTERESTING! Myra was mad, raging, storming. Basically, pissed. Lily and Alice were constantly trying to get her to tell them what was wrong but Myra was ignoring them, focusing on other work.
At breakfast the next day, Myra was sitting silently as Alice, Lily, and Marlene were chatting and laughing like normal. The Marauders were sitting a bit away from them. The thing that Myra noticed was strange was that Sirius was not there. Call it paranoia but she couldn't help but feel dread settling in her heart. That feeling had been there for the past day, ever since she heard James and Peter talking in Transfiguration.
"Myra, do you think I should dye my hair?" Marlene asked, shoving a strand of her perfectly conditioned and vanilla-scented hair in Myra's face. Myra made a face and shoved Marlene's hand away.
"I don't know. May-" At that moment, the doors to the Great Hall banged open and everyone quieted. Sirius Black waltzed in and dropped himself on James' lap.
"Jamesie-poo! I've missed you!" He squealed. Myra exchanged confused glances with Alice as they watched the interaction continue. Sirius pouted and sat next to James. Conversation in the Great Hall resumed.
"Jamesie-poo! Darling!" The Marauders were close enough to Myra so that she could hear them, "You didn't come to bed last night! I was waiting for ages!" Alice spat out pumpkin juice as she and Myra dissolved into giggles. Sirius gave Myra a sly grin before turning back to James, "You know how much I hate it when you are always studying!"
Poor James looked so confused, "Padfoot, mate, what are you talking about?"
Sirius looked so shocked that Myra almost started laughing again, "You know what I mean! It was our anniversary!" Myra bit back another laugh, looking at Lily. Lily looked so mad she could have made a dementor run away in fright.
Sirius planted a big kiss on James' cheek. The other Marauders looked confused as Sirius hugged James and seemed to whisper something in his ear. Realization dawned on James' face and he immediately started hugging Sirius back.
"I'm sorry, Pads. I got carried away." When James winked at Remus and Peter, Myra realized what he was trying to do. With another glance at Lily, it seemed as if Sirius' plan was going well.
"Lily, do you want to go?" Myra asked, trying hard not to laugh. Lily nodded curtly and stormed out of the Great Hall. Myra nodded at James as she walked past and he gave her a smile. She heard Sirius give a small 'oomf' as James shoved him off his lap.
"Who does he think he is?!" Lily ranted, fuming. Myra caught up to Lily.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean," she snapped, "Since when has he been dating Sirius? He has been chasing me for the past five years! Why has he began dating Sirius?" Myra grinned.
"Lily, I think you're jealous." Lily whipped her head to Myra.
"No, I am not!" Lily practically shrieked. Myra winced.
"You kind of are," Lily opened her mouth to yell at Myra when she quickly finished her point, "But no matter! Let's get to... What do we have now?"
"Potions!" Lily stormed off to the dungeons with Myra trailing behind her. Myra didn't miss the bright flush on Lily's face.
∞-∞-∞
The entire school was abuzz with plans for the Halloween Ball. This was apparently the first Ball at Hogwarts for a long while. As Myra and Alice hurried through the halls, she heard whispers of students.
"Henry Cook asked me to the Ball!"
"I really want Thomas to ask me!"
"I'm going to ask Elizabeth Gardiner to the Ball!"
"Congratulations!"
No one had yet asked Myra to the Ball but she wasn't bitter. Who'd want to go with her anyway? Alice had already been asked by two people. She didn't say yes to any of them because she was waiting for Frank to ask her. At least, that's what Myra deduced. Lily hadn't been asked but that was only because everyone assumed she'd go with James, who had asked her numerous times. Marlene, of course, had been asked more than any of them combined. Several boys had gone up to her but she only said yes to one person.
Katherine Cobalt. Yes, Marlene was a lesbian, a fact that shocked the girls.
"I realized during the Herbology project!" Marlene defended when bombarded with questions from Alice and Lily. Myra had simply hugged Marlene and said she was proud.
Myra and Alice burst through the portrait door to find Frank standing there with a small smile and a hopeful look on his face. Alice had abruptly stopped and dropped her books. Myra picked up Alice's dropped books and silently moved away to give them space. When she was halfway up the stairs, she heard a loud squeal and a thump. She chuckled and hurried up.
Inside, Marlene was carefully doing her nails in a bright scarlet red which Myra personally thought looked cool. Lily was busy studying.
"I have news!" Myra yelled. Marlene jumped and almost knocked the nail-polish bottle off of her bed. Lily had actually fallen off.
"Do tell," Marlene said sarcastically. Myra rolled her eyes.
"Alice got asked to the Ball!"
"And?" Marlene was clearly annoyed.
"By Frank!" Marlene and Lily immediately started squealing and jumping. After a few seconds, Marlene stopped.
"You haven't been asked yet." She stated in horror. Myra shrugged.
"It's fine. I don't mind." Marlene exchanged glances with Lily before rushing Myra back down to the Common Room.
"We are going to find you a date if it's the last thing we do!" Lily stated, pushing Myra back out the portrait door.
"What a horrible last thing to do."
∞-∞-∞
From the corner of the Common Room, at that very moment, Remus Lupin was finishing his Arithmetic essay. When he saw Lily, Marlene and Myra leave the Common Room, he could feel his heart swell. She doesn't have a date yet. He thought happily. Sitting next to him was Sirius, who had noticed the dopey smile on his face.
"Oi, Moony. Do you hear that? You still have a chance!" Sirius said, hitting Remus in the shoulder. Remus smiled sadly and shook his head.
"Do you see her?" Sirius glanced at the closed portrait door and back to Remus, "Now, look at me. I am a scarred werewolf with social anxiety and she's..." He trailed off, a wistful expression coming on his face again. Sirius pinched him.
"She's?" Remus shook himself out of his daze.
"She's... amazing. She's smart, funny, gorgeous and so many other things I shouldn't chase after." He looked back at his work while Sirius sighed dramatically.
"Moony, you've been saying the same thing for the past month and a half," Remus looked up, "You should just stop moping around and run after her!"
"If I do, she'll think I'm a creep! She's got common sense, Padfoot." Sirius sadly shook his head. How blind exactly are you, Moony?
"Forget it. Let's forget about homework and studying," Sirius said as he watched James and Peter thunder down the stairs from the boys' dormitory, "Let's do something we're all best at."
"Hey Pads, Moony. Listen," He shoved Remus' things to the side, ignored his sounds of protests, and spread the Marauder's Map on the table, "I had an idea."
Remus raised an eyebrow at Sirius who shrugged innocently. James continued, "Snivellus always goes to the boys' bathroom on the second floor every day right after lunch. So, I was thinking..."
∞-∞-∞
"How about-"
"No."
"But-"
"No."
"You ha-"
"No."
"Why-"
"Why can't we talk about something other than my love life for once? Hmm?" Myra snapped. Marlene and Lily shrunk away. Immediately, Myra felt bad. Those two had made it their personal quest to find someone to take Myra to the dance but had not succeeded. Either the boy didn't want to or Myra didn't want to. All she really wanted to do was sit in the Common Room and practice her charms.
Alice had already talked to Frank and they planned out their whole evening. Myra supposed they started dating already because she often saw Alice with Frank. Holding hands.
"Okay, fine. Let's talk about music," Lily stated, "There's this muggle band called Queen that's becoming very popular now." Marlene's eyes glittered.
"Oh yes! I love that band! Last year, they released a really good song! I think it was Bohemian Rhapshosy but I can never pronounce that last word."
"Rhapsody." Lily corrected. She turned to Myra, "Have you heard of it?" Myra shook her head.
"I'm afraid not." She said sadly. Lily shrugged. Marlene, however, the stubborn mule, would not let it go. She grabbed Myra's hand and hauled her up. Myra yelped, "What are you doing?" Marlene dragged her up some stairs. Myra didn't know where.
"We are going to get you to listen to Bohemian Rhapsody!"
"Marlene, honestly! Isn't there anything better to do than listen to music?" Marlene glared at her and pushed her through a doorway, "I'm not saying music is bad! I'm just saying that I should be studying! For O.W.L.S!"
"Studying is not as important as music. I know someone who would have all of Queen's albums."
"Lily?" Myra asked, "You?" Marlene shook her head.
"I wanted to buy them, but they were too expensive," In horror, Myra realized where they were going, "I know someone else." Marlene bounded up the stairs of the fifth-year boys' dormitory and pounded on the door.
"Sirius Black! Open up! I need to ask you something!" Marlene continued banging on the door and yelling so much that people were coming to investigate.
"Marlene!" Myra hissed, "We're not supposed to be here!" Marlene rolled her eyes.
"Stop being so uptight! You have to learn to break the rules!" Myra sighed and put her face in her hands. She heard Marlene give one more loud kick to the door when it finally opened.
"Can I help you?" A voice said. Oh God, no. Her chest contracted and her heart started pounding against her ribcage, so loud that she was afraid that others might hear it.
"Oh," Marlene faltered. Yes, Marlene. Say it was the wrong dormitory and let's get out of here. Myra thought desperately. Of course, Marlene didn't do that. She soldiered on.
"Is Sirius there? We need something from him."
"'We'?"
"Myra and I." Myra gave a small wave without looking up. James and Peter's conversation came back to her.
'I spoke to him about Myra too!'
'Yeah, me too! He said that Myra... Moony said that Myra was...'
'Was?'
'Interesting!'
"Myra?" Remus' voice broke through her thoughts and, instinctively, she looked up.
Remus and Marlene were both staring at her, not to mention the countless people on the stairs, still staring at Marlene and her.
"Yes?" Marlene waved her hand.
"Come on! Lupin says that we could go in and search through Sirius' things." Why do you want to look through his thing? Who knows what we might find in there! Don't make me go! Don't go in! When Myra didn't move, Marlene huffed. She grabbed Myra's hand and pulled her inside. Either I am weak or Marlene is unusually strong.
While Marlene rummaged through Sirius' trunk (Which Myra still found really creepy and weird), she tasked Myra with looking around his bed. Myra reluctantly searched under the bed and on the bedside table, glaring at Marlene the entire time. Marlene pointedly avoided looking at her.
"Aha!" Marlene yelled. Myra jumped and stumbled onto the bed, "I found it!" She held up a square piece of white cardboard proudly.
"Uh, what is that?" Myra asked. Marlene looked at Myra.
"You've never seen a record?" Myra shook her head, her eyes constantly darting to Remus and back. He had been sitting on his bed and reading a book the entire time Marlene had been ransacking Sirius' things. Marlene sighed. "Fine. Go make yourself useful and stand outside."
"Why?"
"I need you to be a guard in case Sirius comes in." Myra refrained from pointing out that he could've come anytime during the search. And that he would find out anyway when he realizes that his 'record' was missing. And how they would play it.
But Myra knew, from the frequent glances Marlene gave to Remus, that she wanted to be alone with him. Myra nodded curtly and walked out the door.
She waited by the bottom of the stairs, not wanting to be any closer to rule-breaking than she already had. She was a stickler that way. Myra tried not to break the rules because she was afraid that her family would find out and... well... Her family never thought she was good enough, even before she got back from the first year. They would always compare her to her brothers and give her harsher punishments when she did something wrong rather than her brothers. She had learned to think of herself as less than everyone else, weaker than everyone else. She had tried so hard to please her parents. Be good, do chores, no complaining. It was all for nothing.
Even now, subconsciously, Myra wanted them to be proud of her. She wanted them to beam with happiness whenever they saw her, hug her and kiss her and cherish her like so many of her friends had been. That was why she tried to get good marks and stay in line at school. She didn't want them disappointed, at least not in her.
Myra's fists clenched and her eyes burned.
Don't think about them, Myra. You will look so pathetic if you break down now. Do. Not. Cry. She squeezed her eyes shut and leaned against the cold stone walls. Don't be weak. Don't be sloppy. Be perfect. Myra took a wavering breath and slowly unclenched her fists.
"Are you alright?" She jumped when she heard the voice. Myra opened her eyes and looked up. Well, down.
Peter Pettigrew stood there with a nervous expression and twiddling thumbs. His eyes were constantly darting around and his nose was twitching. In a small part of Myra's mind, she thought he looked a little like a mouse.
"Hi, Peter. Yes, I'm alright." Peter nodded as if something was justified.
"Right. James sent me over here because he thought you might faint or something." Myra was wondering where Peter's stutter had gone. Maybe he was more comfortable talking with her.
"Why didn't he come here himself?"
"He saw Lily."
"Ah." With James Potter, that was reason enough alone. Peter stood by her awkwardly and she cast her eyes down to her still hands.
"Look, here he comes," Peter announced. Myra quickly looked up and looked back down at her shoes. Why am I so nervous? It's only James. He would probably not do anything. Probably.
"Hello Myra," James said cheerfully, "How are you today?"
"I'm fine, thank you." She mumbled. She felt James drape an arm around her shoulders and tensed. What was taking Marlene so long?
"I need a favor," Of course you do, "But you mustn't tell Lily or she'll kill me." Myra nodded.
"It depends on the favor."
"Right, favor," James scratched the back of his neck and Myra got the feeling that this 'favor' had nothing to do with Lily, "Have you talked to Padfoot lately?"
"Padfoot?"
"Sirius," Peter added helpfully.
The question surprised Myra, "No, I can't say that I have. Why, has something happened?" James gave her a lopsided smile.
"Why do you think something bad happened? Nothing bad would happen to Sirius." Myra shrugged.
"I don't know," She lied. Her eyes were still on her shoes.
"Anyway, he was having trouble being asked to the dance," Myra gave James a skeptical look before looking back down, "What I mean is, he was having trouble picking a girl from the ones who asked him."
"And why are you telling me this?" James shrugged. Where's Marlene?
"Sirius told me to tell you. I think it was because he was getting tired of girls constantly asking him to the dance so he wanted you to go up to him and ask him. He'd say yes, of course," Myra shook her head.
"No thanks. I'm not a scapegoat," When both James and Peter looked confused, Myra sighed, "I'm not an excuse. I'm not going to help Sirius just because he's facing some girl trouble. He can go alone and dance with whoever he wants. He'd enjoy that." James exchanged a glance with Peter.
"So who do you plan on going with to the ball?" Myra shrugged.
"I wasn't really planning on going," James gave an exaggerated gasp, covering his mouth with both hands. In the process, he took his hand off of Myra's shoulder. She relaxed. Slightly.
"Then what did you plan on doing?" Peter timidly asked.
"Just practice some charms in the Common Room and study for O.W.L.S." James gave her a look.
"You really-"
The portrait door banged open and Sirius stormed in, heading straight towards Myra. She saw his stormy face, clenched jaw, wild eyes, tensed shoulders, and froze. She paled. He's coming for me. I knew it. I knew that trusting him was a bad idea. He's going to spill my secret to the entire school and I'll get bullied even more. They'll call me weak and stupid and dumb.
Myra stumbled back, her wide eyes fixed upon Sirius' thundering form, ignoring the confused looks on James' and Peter's face, the confusion directed towards her. He's going to spell me. Sirius is going to spell me. My father is going to spell me. I'm going to be tortured. I'm locked in the dark basement. I can't get out. I'm trapped. Myra back into a wall as the tears finally fell from her eyes.
∞-∞-∞
You wouldn't expect a cellar in a famous pureblood family to be dingy and grimy, but it was. And only for one reason. To worsen her conditions even further. Her parents would point their wands at her and scream spells that made her skin burn like fire, spells that made her body convulse, spells that made her look at a knife with longing.
Spells, spells, spells, spells, spells, spells, spells.
She kept screaming until her voice was hoarse and croaky and then some. She would lie in a pool of blood. Her blood. She would cry herself to sleep, wishing for an escape.
But there were none. Myra was alone. Trapped, forgotten.
In her head, Myra dreamed of a new world. A world of happiness and laughter. Bright sunny skies, big, green forests, the smell of apple and cinnamon. Pain of any kind would not exist. Wars would be over. No more fanatical dictators dreaming of taking over the world.
When the door of the cellar banged open, she realized that that world would never come to be. There will always be evil. And now, evil was staring right at her.
Myra was familiar with the feeling of a cold metal table pressing against her back, thin wires cutting into her wrist and ankles. She was familiar with the feeling of having her skin ripped open, again and again, and again and again. She was familiar with the feeling of thick, sluggish liquid running down her legs, her arms, her chest. She was familiar with the hollow feeling of an empty stomach, the gnawing pains, the scratchy throat. She was familiar with the feeling of hopelessness, despair.
The pain.
She knew it all.
She knew it well.
∞-∞-∞
James and Peter didn't know what to do when they saw Myra back into a wall with tears streaming down her face. They didn't know what to do when she pulled her legs close to her and let out a sob. They didn't know what to do when she put her hands to her face as if she was blocking something out. They didn't know what to do when Myra's breathing evened and she passed out.
But Sirius did. With no hesitation, he rushed forward and gathered her in her arms. Seeing as boys were not allowed up to the girls' dormitory, he brought Myra up to his. On the way, he ran into Marlene.
"Hi, Sir- WHAT DID YOU DO?!" Marlene shrieked. She moved to take Myra from Sirius but he moved away.
"I know what's wrong and I need to get her into a bed. I can't get her to your dorm so I'm bringing her to mine." Marlene gave him the stormiest glare he had ever received.
"Give her to me. Now." She growled. He shook his head sadly.
"You can't pick her up. She's too heavy for you." Marlene snarled and whipped out her wand. Sirius flinched.
"Wingardium Leviosa!" She pointed her wand to Myra and she slowly rose from Sirius' hands. Marlene held one of Myra's hands and slowly started guiding her floating limp figure back down the stairs.
∞-∞-∞
Marlene was thankful that there were no students in the Common Room. They were all sleeping. Or out. Nonetheless, Marlene made sure that she was quick. She held onto Myra's hand, tight, and carefully pulled her through the Common Room, up the stairs, walked through their dormitory, and gently placed Myra down on her bed.
Marlene pulled the covers up and opened the curtains by Myra's bed. She knew that Myra liked looking at the stars. Once she made sure Myra was comfortable, she stormed out of the dormitory.
The Marauders had hell to pay.
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Fun fact: Trauma is surprisingly easy for me to write. Does that make me a monster? Idk, I think I already am.
Question of the day: Any theories? Anything that comes to your mind? At this point, so many things are possible, I'm going to be so shocked if any one of your guess anything correctly.
I love you!
I am here for you!
💕 ❤️ 💞 💗✨ 💖 😍 😘
Sending my love to you!