Hours dragged on to days, days to weeks, and weeks to a whole month-and-a-half without a single word from Brooke. I threw myself into work to make the time go by faster and to distract me from what I could potentially be losing, but all it did was remind me of how much I fucked up and how much I'm truly paying the price for it. And every single day, I can't help but wonder if this is what Josie went through when I left because this is fucking torture, not knowing when your loved one is ever going to speak to you again or if you'll ever even see them again.
I came upon a greater appreciation and respect for the woman when I realized how truly gracefully she handled my coming back and shoving divorce papers in her face all those weeks ago. I never would have been able to put on a brave face as she did. I'm too weak.
I had talked to Tommy and my father two or three times since our goodbyes. Everyone's doing just fine without me, just like I knew they would. It almost hurts that everyone moved on so quickly, but I don't get to feel bad about it. That's how life works. And somehow, Brooke and Josie never managed to come into the conversation. Tommy skirted around the subject of Josie, and it's not my business to ask.
Little Josie's case came to a quick close about two weeks ago. She did exactly what I asked of her a few days after our conversation, and her step-father is now in jail for three years and is paying a $1,500 fine with a protection order for both Josie and her mother, Lara. Amanda is currently working on their divorce statement.
Amanda gave me meaningful stares and obvious glances as we worked together, and it only made my head spin even more but I realized she was right about most of what she had said. I know I'm not over Josie completely, especially after learning that she wasn't completely over me when I saw her with Carrie Ann's brother, but I also know that I need to get over the what-if's of what could have been, for that to happen. As my first love and best friend for the better part of my life, she is always going to hold a special place in my heart no matter what I do or try to force myself to feel. That's never going to change.
I've been at the office today for 10 hours working on another domestic violence case on top of a murder, and my head is going to explode if I don't take a breather from it. I get up and trudge to the lounge to make myself some coffee.
"I swear to god, this man is going to be the death of me," Nick, another lawyer a couple of years older than me, grumbles, leaning against the counter in the lounge. He was born and raised in Boston, and boy is his accent thick. He's been working on a domestic dispute case and the father just won't back down on the custody issue with his husband. Due to confidentiality laws and rights, I'm not allowed to or supposed to know much, but I know that this guy is giving Nick a run for his money.
"You always see to get the feisty ones huh," I joke, pouring him some coffee before putting the pot back.
"Thanks pal," he mutters, "You're telling me."
I take a sip and pat him on the back.
"You'll figure it out. I've gotta get back to work."
He mock-salutes me with two fingers, and I walk back to my office. I review the case file and documents while holding my cold hands against my hot coffee mug.
A knock on my door trips me out of my thoughts, and I look up to see Kelsey, one of the new office secretaries at my door.
"Hey Kels, what's up?" I ask, folding my hands on my desk.
"There's a Miss Thompson here to see you, Cole. Would you like me to send her in?"
My mouth runs dry as I nearly fall out of my seat at the mention of my girlfriend. I go to speak but my voice comes out squeaky. I clear my throat before continuing.
"Yeah, go ahead," I affirm, trying not to let the uneasiness I feel show. She scrunches up her forehead and eyebrows before nodding and leaving, giving me a look like I've grown three heads.
As soon as her back turns, I frantically try to straighten up the office, trying to look the least bit presentable before Brooke comes in.
"He's in his office, just go straight back and it'll be the third door on the left," I hear Kelsey say, and all I can focus on is the fact that Brooke is going to be here any second and that I'm a mess.
I manage to stumble quickly over to my seat before I make a fool of myself in front of Brooke, holding up the case file casually, pretending that I'm focusing on it instead of how heavy my heart is pounding.
A small, soft knock cuts through my hearing, and I look up to see my girlfriend in all of her adorable glory. I can't help but let a smile overtake my features upon seeing her.
"Brooke," I breathe. I clear my throat. "It's great to see you."
Do I hug her? I should let her make the first move. This is all on her terms.
God this sucks.
What is she going to say? Is she back to stay or is she going to tell me she's leaving?
Oh my god, what comes around truly does go around.
Karma's a bitch, Cole. I thought you knew that by now.
She only nods as she takes a seat on the leather chair opposite where I sit at my desk.
"I've been thinking about everything over the past month—" And a half. "—and I've realized that although I've basically been your other woman for several years now, I can't change the past and your actions. Neither can you. But I need you to be honest with me about some questions I have."
I bristle at her self-depreciation but don't comment on it.
"Shoot."
"I need to know. Cole or Colt?" Her smile tells me she's letting me off easy and that I can relax.
I smile back and lean back in my seat.
"My birth name is Colt Michael Roberts. I'll answer to either."
She gives me a flat look, and I bite my lip, thinking. I remember Josie's words. My name was picked out by my mother.
"The first person I met up here didn't call me by my name, wouldn't pronounce the 't' at the end of it, and introduced me to all of his friends as Cole. I gave up trying to correct him, but my name is Colt."
A genuine smile graces her lips, and she nods.
"Do they know about me?"
"Yes. I told everyone who matters about you."
"Including...?"
"Yes, Josie knows. She was the first person I told, and she's happy for me, for us. My father called you a keeper. Tommy and SueEllen would love to meet you. Wes and Bobby, too."
She nods and gives me a tight-lipped smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes in response. I can tell that the next question she's going to throw at me is a heavy hitter because of the way she watches as she wrings her hands in her lap.
"I have to know, Colt, are you over her?" she whispers with trepidation laced in her silent plea. She glances at me quickly before returning her gaze to her hands. Before I even get the time to formulate an answer, she continues. "Because if you aren't, I need you to tell me. I will not be a rebound, and I will not let myself cling onto the hope that you could be truly mine if you think that there's even a shred of doubt in your mind about our relationship. So please, if you love me, you'll be honest with me."
My mouth flaps open and closed as I try to come up with a suitable answer.
Am I over Josie?
Why is this such a hard question?
Suddenly I wished that Amanda was here to help me through this.
I guess I'm too quiet and silent in thought for a moment too long because Brooke calls my name. I look up at her, ready to answer.
"My feelings for Josie have no impact on the love I feel for you."
She opens her mouth to protest, but I cut her off. She needs to know this. She asked me to be honest with her, and I intend to be.
"I also had to come to my own realizations during our time apart, Brooke," I say a little more harshly than intended. I wince and relax, searching for the right words to say. "This isn't going to be what you want to hear, but it's my honest answer. She's always going to hold a special place in my heart. I've come to realize in this month-and-a-half by myself that it's not about who has more of my love, but about the differences in how I love both of you. They're entirely two separate feelings. You are two entirely different people."
She looks at me in shock befuddlement, and I sigh in frustration with myself. As if this could be any harder.
"But you still love her?"
"No, yes, I don't know. Not the same way that I love you."
"And how's that? How are we different? What do you feel for me?"
I sigh, dragging a hand down my face. God, this is going to get sappy.
"You're different in the way you act. Although you're both considerate, Josie is blunt and ruthless in her words if she thinks you're in the wrong." I would know first hand. "You, on the other hand, try to teach the other person about why they're wrong and come to a compromise and understanding. You're sunflowers, Tuesdays, and sunrises in the way you capture the light around you. You stand on the sidelines, watching, observing. Josie is Fridays, sunsets, and tough, independent wildflowers. Josie is always right in the middle of the action. I don't even know if that makes any sense, but it's the only way I can think of you two. So similar yet so completely different."
I draw in a ragged breath, watching tears form in the corners of her eyes.
"I love you because you've shown me second chances aren't always what or where you expect them to be. I love you because of the smile that I just can't get rid of when you walk in the room. I love you because you've taught me that you can have a past and still see the world in a bubbly, positive light. I love you because you came back to talk to me after I told you about my long history of fuck-ups. You're always willing to help out someone even if you've never met them. I love you because you're you, and you've never tried to be anyone else."
I don't even realize that I've crossed the room and was squatting down in front of her until I finish.
I don't know where those words came from, but they were all true. Every damn one of them.
"Colt," she sobs quietly, bringing a hand up to cover her mouth. "I love you, too."
And with that, she crashes into me as she tackles me into a hug, and we both fall to the floor.
"Easy, baby, let it out. I'm here, I'm here," I soothe, bringing us into a sitting position as I rub her back in small circles.
"I know," she chokes out. She calms down a few minutes later and pulls away so we're an arm's length from each other. She wipes her face with the back of her hand, smiling up at me with watery eyes and red cheeks.
I cup her cheeks softly, and she leans into my hands. I slowly lean in, giving her more than enough time to tell me to back off if she doesn't want this, but she stays put. I softly brush my lips against hers, once, twice, before diving in. Although it's a teary kiss, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. She deepens the kiss as she clutches me tighter, running her hands through my hair.
I shift so I'm sitting cross-legged, pulling her into my lap, but when I feel my pants tighten around my pockets, I cut the kiss off.
"Why?" Brooke asks hazily.
I lightly push her back into the leather chair and stand up.
"What are you—" she starts, but falls into silent shock as I drop to one knee, bringing out the burgundy velvet box.
I pop it open, and her hands raise to cover her mouth.
"I'd had this planned out for a long time now, and I practiced a speech but I can't for the life of me remember it. So," I admit, "I know that we're sort of back to square one in a way, but you've known of my intentions for almost two months now, and now that you've taken me back, I can't go on another minute without asking you, Brooke Rhiannon Thompson, if you would do me the honor of becoming my wife and I your husband if only you'll have me."
She's speechless as she nods frantically before croaking out, "Yes! Yes! A million times yes!"
She jumps into my arms, and I spin us around. I set her down and kiss her hard and passionately.
"The ring," she mumbles against my lips.
"Oh shit, I think I dropped it."
A burst of laughter escapes her lips at my admittance, and the sound is music to my ears.
I find the box by one of the desk legs and take the ring out of the box, slipping it on that long, special finger on her left hand.
"Holy shit," she breathes as she holds out her left hand in front of her to examine it. "It's beautiful."
"I was hoping you'd like it. I must have looked at a couple hundred before settling on that one."
"It could have been a piece of wire twisted around my ring finger and I'd still love it, Colt," she says, grinning up at me. "Are you about done here? I'm getting a little hungry."
"Yeah, just let me grab my briefcase and we'll head out." I make quick work out of getting my files together and into the briefcase before being lead out of the office by Brooke.
Brooke's eyes never leave the ring on her finger, and I can't but let that go to my head. I'm so happy I got a ring that she likes, and even happier that she chose to take me back.
The drive is filled with Brooke babbling on about ideas for the wedding when she cuts herself off. She turns to me suddenly.
"I want to meet your family."
I blink.
"Okay," I drawl out, shrugging. It would have to happen eventually.
"All of them."
I furrow my eyebrows together, glancing over at her when we come to a red light.
"I want to meet Tommy and Wes and SueEllen and June and Bobby and Carrie Ann," she clarifies.
I nod.
"Okay, that could be arranged."
"I want to meet Josie, too."
The light turns green, and as the words fall out of her mouth, I accidentally jerk the car forward instead of rolling into the acceleration.
"Goddamn," she curses under her breath. "You okay?"
"I don't think—"
"I think I have a right to."
"Yeah... " I trail, "But I don't quite think that that's fair to Josie. I mean, I don't want to—"
"Maybe we'll end up bumping into her. Introductions can be made then."
I grumble under my breath before responding.
"If we bump into her."
"Then it's settled."
--
I'm going to take this moment to run and hide for two reasons. The first being not getting this up on Sunday when I said I might, and the second, well, I'm sure you know why. So yeah. For some reason, this part was super hard to write. I don't know if it shows, but it was.
Brooke's engagement and wedding band set are pictured above. They're too flashy for me, but I like them for her, obviously.
Don't forget to comment and vote if you liked it!
Until next time!
XX Blondie XX