"May balance ka pa sa last semester. Hindi namin pwedeng tanggapin ang promisory note mo." Masungit na wika ng teller sa Window 1. She eyed the paper cattily. "It doesn't even have the signature of your parents."
My palms were itchy as I hold my tongue for a retort to the old lady. Even after spending my entire summer doing different odd jobs, I still couldn't pay my tuition in full. My head is already throbbing in pain just thinking about it.
"Pero may scholarship po ako—"
"Suspended." Naningkit ang mga mata niya sa akin. "I heard of you, Martellin. You should've known better than to take... nudes."
Kumuyom ang kamao ko. Mas lalo lang akong nabadtrip nang marinig ang maarteng reklamo ng babaeng nakasunod sa akin sa linya. The impatient teller gestured for me to leave using her polished nails. It took all my willpower not to lash out at her as I tore myself from the line and walked weakly back into the crowded lobby.
My phone beeped as I made my way out of the crowd. I clumsily fished it out from my pockets only to find a text message from Rigor.
Rigor:
are u done?
Ako:
yup!
I know he's going to take some LET units this semester, so he'll be around for a while. Nakapag-enrol na rin siya kaya naman ako lang mag-isa ang nagpunta ngayon. I don't want to burden him of my financial problems, but he already knows I'm taking this semester. It may come as a shock to him if he suddenly learns that I'm going to stop this semester.
A tiny, mocking voice sounded inside my head. What was I thinking? I still have a lot of personal problems and here I am, engaging in another relationship again? Is this even worth the risk?
Nag-angat ako ng tingin. I saw Rigor walking across the field. He's just wearing his usual white buttondown shirt and pants. Itinali niya ang may kahabaang buhok ngayon. Lumitaw ang tinta sa leeg niya. My heart clenched.
Of course, it's worth it.
Hindi ko na ibinanggit sa kaniya ang problema ko sa teller kanina. Babalik nalang ako dito bukas kapag nakausap ko ang ina. If I have to scrape for crumbs of her sympathy so I could finish college, then I would. I barely survived with pride as my meal on my table. I'm sure I can endure a few harsh words from her.
Days later, nabalitaan kong nakabalik na si Sorcha sa La Union. She wanted to meet with us, and I was relieved to see her old self again. When asked about Collin, she just shrugged and said they have split during the summer.
My mother indeed insulted me to the very core and she was very angry when I showed up at her house unannounced.
"You're a fucking disappointment, Czarina Saorsie!"
Tiniis ko ang masasakit na salitang ibinato niya sa akin. The next morning, she wired some money to my bank account.
I was able to take the semester, thanks to my generous mother. Pati ang balance ko ay nabayaran na rin. I have no right to fail. I want to graduate as soon as possible so I could find a job and finance myself. Then, I wouldn't need to lean on my mother anymore.
When the new semester started, almost everyone was talking about the new student. She's a freshman in Political Science and from what I've heard, the twin sister of Shantel Roman. It's hard not to notice her when she looks so regal even when lining up for food in the cafeteria, though you can see that she's scared of the attention she's been getting.
Lumabas ako saglit sa Practical Art class namin at nagtungo sa ladies' room. I stayed up all night for an assignment and now I'm very sleepy. I wanted to walk for a bit, in the middle of the class, to keep my brain cells working.
Since class hours pa, halos walang tao sa ladies' room. I entered a cubicle and emptied my bladder. While flushing the toilet, I heard silent cries from the other cubicle. I immediately froze.
Biglang pumasok sa isipan ko yung parating sinasabi ng loko-loko kong classmate na dating sementeryo daw ang campus. Almost every school in the Philippines is a former cemetery according to the urban legend. Hindi ko naman iyon sineryoso. But it's true that several students have committed suicide in this campus and sadly, that's not uncommon in colleges anymore.
Humigit ako nang malalim na hininga. Hindi naman siguro lumalabas ang mga multo kapag umaga, diba? It's also stupid of me to think that this is a ghost when it's clearly a living person.
The crying ceased after a few moments. Nakita ko ang paggalaw ng anino. I stepped out of the cubicle at sakto ding may lumabas mula sa katabing cubicle. Shantel looked at me in surprise. She already wiped her tears, but her eyes are red. She quickly recovered and pursed her lips in a polite smile and a nod.
Sinundan ko siya ng tingin. She went to the sink to wash her face, her gaze glued to the floor. Nakatayo pa rin ako sa labas ng cubicle at pinagmamasdan siya. When she was about to leave, I couldn't help myself.
"Ayos ka lang?"
She turned to me sharply. The expression on her face is blank, then suddenly a fake smile touched her lips.
"I'm fine! Czarina, right?"
I stared at her, dumbfounded. Is she really... okay? Why is she acting like crying is one of the seven deadly sins?
Tumango lamang ako. She extended her hand out.
"I'm Shantel."
"I've heard of you."
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah. Just a few minutes ago. You were crying in the cubicle."
Nawala agad ang ngiti sa mukha niya. Nginisihan ko siya.
"Walang masama o nakakahiya sa pag-iyak, Shantel." Hinigpitan ko ang kamay na nakahawak sa kaniya. "Nice to meet you."
I let go of her hand and walked out of the ladies' room. She really looked like she needed some help. I hope she finds a real friend soon.
The prelim exams came quickly as days flew by. Since my mother paid for my tuition, I have saved some money. Inaya ko si Kirby na kumain sa labas pagkatapos ng exams namin.
"Libre mo? Weh?" hindi makapaniwalang tanong niya sa akin.
"Oo nga. Ayaw mo?"
"Gusto, syempre!" bawi niya naman agad, natatawa. "It's just so rare of you to treat us to a meal."
"May kaunti lang akong naipon..." I trailed off, spotting Sorcha from a distance. "Ge, yayain ko muna si Sorcha. Ite-text ko sa 'yo ang restaurant."
"Bye!"
I ended the call. Sinalubong ko si Sorcha sa hallway kahit na mukhang nagmamadali.
"Sorch!" nakangiti kong wika sa kaniya. "Samgyup tayo mamaya—"
"Sorry. I have other plans." She gave me an apologetic look then glanced behind me. "I'm also in a hurry. I have to go. Next time nalang, Zari."
My shoulders slumped, but I still managed a smile and nodded. I watched her storm off. A group of girls were waiting for her. They looked rich and expensive. They must be from her department.
In the end, kaming dalawa lang ni Kirby ang nag-celebrate. I aced my exams for the first time in a while and it felt good that my sleepless nights were worth it. Rigor is a bit busy with his portfolio. From what I've heard, he's been getting offers from companies and prestigious art galleries. Him taking LET units made me think that he wants to be an art professor someday, but I didn't ask him about it. Nakikita ko siya sa campus minsan, pero madalang lang kaming magkasabay dahil busy rin ako.
I kind of felt alone. Kirby and Sorcha were my only friends. I never really had a circle because of my bad reputation in school. And with Rigor still busy with his portfolio, I have to hold my tongue and wait for him patiently as to not sound like a nagging girlfriend. Yun pa naman ang pinaka-ayaw ko, tapos magiging ganun din pala ako.
Since this is my last year, I only have two subjects left for this semester. The special project and thesis. Rigor must've taken several LET units because when he showed me his schedule, umaabot ng gabi ang ibang klase niya.
11 am pa lang ay tapos na ako. I texted Sorcha earlier but she did not reply. Lost like a puppy, my feet found its way to the LET department. Kaagad kong hinanap ang classroom kung saan ang klase ngayon ni Rigor. He's still wearing the uniform out of politeness even though he's already a graduate. It's so easy to spot him in the class as I took a peek like a creep.
He looks relaxed yet focused. Sa isang kamay ay may hawak na ballpen at nakikinig nang maigi sa professor nila. Tatlong lalaki ang katabi niya bago ang isang babae na kanina pa patingin-tingin sa kaniya. Sa likuran naman ay puros mga lalaki din. I doubt they have a seat plan. Mukhang naligaw lang ata ang babae dun.
I took a seat in the cemented bench that runs through the hallway, just in front of their classroom. Ayoko naman siyang itext dahil baka ma-disturbo. I'll just wait here and maybe ask him for lunch? Pagkatapos ay uuwi na ako.
Kinuha ko ang notes at pascan-scan pa kunwari ako habang nakaupo. The time went on slowly. Nakailang beses na ata akong tumayo para hindi mamanhid ang pwetan ko sa kakaupo.
When the clock struck twelve and the bell sounded, I almost shrieked in delight. Kaagad kong ibinalik ang notes ko sa bag at parang batang nakaabang ng pasalubong. The entire class went chaotic. Hindi pa natatapos sa pagsasalita ang professor nila pero ang iba ay sumibat na. Natabunan din ang paningin ko kay Rigor ng mga estyudanteng nagsisilabasan.
Minutes later, the crowd thinned out and all was left were several students inside. I did not spot Rigor at all. Lumapit ako sa classroom at dun pa nakitang kausap niya yung babaeng nakaupo malapit sa kaniya. He's still sitting in his desk, pointing at his note as if explaining something to the girl. She chuckled when he said something, and then placed her manicured hand on his arm.
"Libre na kita ng lunch, as a way of thank you."
My heart skipped a beat. Gusto kong batuhin ang estyudanteng bigla nalang dumaan sa harap ko, dahilan upang hindi ko marinig ang naging sagot ni Rigor. I quickly walked away when I saw him standing, and it looks like the girl is waiting for him.
So, they're really going to have a lunch, huh?
Hindi ko napigilan ang sama ng loob kahit na napaka-immature na magalit ako sa kaniya. Ni hindi ko naman alam kung sino yung babae o kung ano ang pakay niya. Baka blockmate lang na nagpapaturo sa kaniya tapos kung anu-ano na ang iniisip ko.
My phone beeped. Still angry, I pulled it out and saw a text from him.
Rigor:
lunch?
Confused, I looked back and saw him standing alone in the hallway, looking at me while his other hand is holding his phone. He typed a bit and then looked at me again. My phone buzzed.
Rigor:
u can't say no. i already saw you.
I bit my lower lip to prevent a smile as I went over him. Isiniksik niya ang phone sa bulsa at otomatikong kinuha ang dala kong libro.
"Hi. Napadaan lang ako dito." I lied.
"Really? Then I must be hallucinating earlier when I saw you in front of our classroom."
Namula ang pisngi ko at kaagad na nag-iwas ng tingin nang marinig ko ang pagtawa niya. So he saw me! Damn it.
"You don't have plans with your friends?" I asked carefully. Kinakain ako ng kuryusidad sa babaeng 'yon pero hindi ko magawang itanong sa kaniya. He must think that I'm nagging him if I do.
"No, not really. Sabay kaming gumraduate ng mga kaibigan ko. I'm not really close with my current blockmates."
"I see." Tumango-tango pa ako, nag-iisip ng paraan kung paano ko tatanungin sa kaniya yung babae kanina.
"That girl is just my blockmate." He said out of the blue. Gulat akong napatingin sa kaniya. "I don't even know her name."
"Anong sinasabi mo—"
He stopped walking, and then caught my chin gently with his finger. Inilapit niya ang mukha sa akin. Medyo naiilang ako na may iilang estyudante ang napapatingin sa amin pero mukhang wala naman siyang pakialam.
"You're a terrible liar, Czarina." He whispered, just a mere inch from my lips. "Stop using this pretty little mouth to lie, okay?"
I pouted, which was a grave mistake. His eyes darkened as he stared at my lips. Gusto kong itulak ang mukha niya palayo kasi parang nakakalimutan niya at ana nandito kami sa gitna ng hallway. Baka mamaya ay mapatawag kami sa dean's office, gusto ko pa naman gumraduate nang matiwasay.
"Oo na, oo na." I admitted, finally gathering the guts to push him away. "I was just curious."
"Of her name? Me too. Bigla-bigla nalang akong kinakausap."
Natawa ako sa sinabi niya. Suddenly, all of my doubts disappeared into thin air. Nahihiya nga ako sa sarili ko, lalo na sa kaniya. It was foolish of me to conclude that he's into that pretty girl with professionally done nails.
We had our lunch together. Nang malaman niyang wala na akong klase kinahapunan, nagpumilit siya na i-drive ako pauwi kahit na ala una ang susunod niyang klase. We argued for a while but I still ended up in his shotgun seat as he raced down the road. 1:15 pm na nang makarating kami kaya todo simangot ako sa lalaki.
"Late ka na masyado sa klase mo."
"It's okay." He glanced at me after turning off the engine.
"Sige na, pasok na ako. Baka maabutan mo pa ang klase mo."
I was about to head out when he gently grabbed my arm. Napatingin ako sa kaniya, nagtataka.
He did not let me talk as he leaned closer and pressed his lips against mine. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko pero agad din namang nakabawi. I cupped his face and responses to his gentle kisses. When we pulled away from each other, he's already grinning.
"I'll call you later."
I nodded, and finally climbed out of the car before I was tempted to do things that might get him to abandon his afternoon classes. Kinawayan ko siya bago ako pumasok sa apartment.
Days later, I finally received a reply from Sorcha. But it wasn't a good one. She curtly said she's busy with her thesis too, so meeting up won't be possible until the end of the semester. Um-okay lang din naman ako. Ayokong pilitin siyang makipagkita gayong kaming dalawa rin ang busy.
Naramdaman ko na ang pagiging fourth year ko sa sumunod na mga araw. Palagi na akong busy. Minsan kapag minamalas, walang kwenta ang groupmates ko at hindi man lang tumutulong sa mga activities kaya madalas akong puyat. I sacrificed a lot of nights just to keep my grade floating. Kahit wala na akong scholarship na inaalala, hindi ko naman magawang mawalan ng pake sa grades ko. I guess being with Rigor made me push myself harder. I already know I'm a nobody in the eyes of many, but I could still try and improve myself not to be worthy of him, but to be worthy of myself.
Nagpakawala ako ng isang malalim na buntong-hininga at hinilot ang sentido. Hindi na ako nagulat nang lingunin ko ang orasan at nakitang alas dos pasado na ng umaga. My laptop is old and outdated, kaya ito rin ang mas nagpapabagal ng progress ko. Ipinikit ko muna ang mga mata ko nang ilang minuto bago ko tinuloy ang gawain.
My phone beside me beeped. I glanced at it.
Rigor:
u still up?
I couldn't help myself but quickly respond to him. The powerpoint presentation can wait.
Ako:
gising pa
Ako:
bakit gising ka din?
After a few seconds, I already got a reply.
Rigor:
doing some papers for the class
Napangiti ako.
Ako:
wow ako din! #relationshipgoals :D
He quickly replied and I burst out laughing.
Rigor:
shut up, czarina
Rigor:
vc?
I bit my lower lip. Kanina pa talaga ako inaantok dito. Nakakainis lang kasi yung isa kong groupmate na in-assign namin para gawin ang powerpoint. Bigla nalang nag-chat kanina sa GC na may emergency daw sa kanila. Huwag ko lang talagang makita ang IG story niya na naglalakwatsa lang pala dahil makakatikim talaga ang babaeng 'yon sa akin!
Rigor did not even wait for my reply. My phone started vibrating and the screen flashed the messenger call. I clicked the 'answer' button and enabled the video. Bumungad kaagad sa akin ang mukha niyang nakatutok sa camera. His hair is a mess and he looks tired but still manages to look fine. Bigla tuloy akong na-conscious. My eye bags are probably showing right now and I'm not even wearing a bra! Kaagad kong tinaas ang phone para matutok sa mukha ko ang front camera.
I smiled.
"Hey," he said huskily. It must have been his usual bedroom voice or the 2 am ambiance in his room that injected another dose of depth to his raspy voice. I held back a sigh.
"Hiii!" masigla kong bati. Inayos na niya ang phone niyang nakatutok sa kaniya. I could already see him typing on his laptop with a tiny espresso cup by his side.
"I thought you were already sleeping." He commented, glancing at me.
Umiling ako na hindi pa rin natatanggal ang ngiti sa labi. Parang hindi ko na magawang maging productive ngayon! I could watch him all night. Para pang naka-ASMR ang mabilis niyang pagtipa sa MacBook niya. Everything about this boy is aesthetic.
"Kupal kasi ang isa kong groupmate kaya ako nalang sumalo sa presentation," I sighed, finally.
"I see."
Napangiwi ako. I was expecting him to share the sympathy with me but he didn't! Naramdaman niya atang nakatitig lang ako sa kaniya kaya nilingon niya ako.
"Just look at the brighter side, Czarina." He said, finally with a small smile playing on his lips. "You'll be the one to learn more if you do the presentation. Take it as an opportunity to learn."
Nagtaas ako ng kilay. Napaka-positive naman ata ng lalaking ito. Siya lang ata ang makakapagsabing opportunity to learn na ma-ghost ng groupmate mo sa isang presentation.
"I'll just keep it on. Babalik na ako sa trabaho."
He nodded and kept going. I stared at him for a good few minutes before I dragged myself into getting back to work again. We were silent, if not for the occasional keyboard clicks of our laptop. I saw him refilling his cup twice. He's so focused while working. Kapag sumasakit na ang mata ko kakatitig sa screen, sinusulyapan ko siya. He seems to be enjoying his work. Sana lahat.
The time went painfully slow until I managed to finish the presentation. I yawned and stretched in my desk like a cat. Otomatikong lumipad ang tingin ko sa kaniya para sana i-anunsiyo na tapos na ako nang makitang tulog na pala siya. I did not notice when he'd drifted to sleep because I was so focused in getting it done.
He crossed his arms into his desk and buried his face on it. The muted glow from his laptop made him look ethereal on the other side of the screen. His shoulders rose up and down slowly. I stared at him, my heart throbbing. Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi. The tip of my finger touched the screen, as if reaching out to him.
I smiled.
"Good morning, Rigor. Sleep well..."
-
#HanmariamBFLChap17