So, Remus had his first kiss. Not kiss-kiss. On the cheek. Still. He kept thinking about it all weekend, wishing he hadn't been so awkward about it. It had been gross. Just, he probably shouldn't have told her that. He wondered how his friends would have reacted. Peter would probably be super flustered. James... might be grossed out too since he hated Lily. Sirius would probably have just kissed her cheek back or something. He wondered briefly if she ever kissed Snape's cheek but then no, she said it was her first kiss so...
All weekend he had nightmares about it. The first night he had woken up screaming (he had dreamed Lily kissed his cheek but, like he had been frightened of when it happened, when her lips touched his cheek he turned into a monster, slobbering, snarling, snapping). Sirius slid into his bed, kneeling next to him, talking to him gently. Not about the nightmare since Remus acted like he couldn't remember what had woken him up, just about various things until Remus calmed down enough to go back to sleep. On Saturday and Sunday night the nightmares tore him from his sleep silently, no screams. No Sirius.
By the time classes started up on Monday he mostly shook the whole thing off. Lily wasn't acting any different, nor did she seem to expect something from him so she had been telling the truth when she said it annoyed her that her friends thought they were together. The kiss had been just what she intended it to be: teasing him.
Meanwhile the rest of the school geared up for the last game. Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw. Remus had to listen to a steady stream of Quidditch talk at breakfast and at lunch though he tuned it out for the most part, doing his best to study. At least he'd have some time on Saturday to study in comfort... and silence. He doubted a single Gryffindor would be left in the tower besides him. A whole afternoon of blissful silence. He was going to miss being able to do that when James got on the team.
"...mus?" He jumped as a hand waved between his face and the book. It was James. "I asked if you're coming to the game Saturday. Please? It's the last one!"
Remus pulled back a little, shaking his head. "No. I'm... r--really not interested. I'll go to your games though. I promise."
James wasn't appeased. "But if you come to this one I can properly explain everything."
"I'll have these two when the time comes," Remus pointed out, jerking his chin towards Sirius and Peter. "And that book you gave me. I'll be fine."
James looked extremely disappointed. "Fine," he grumbled, sticking his lower lip out in a pout. Remus felt the urge to laugh at how childish James was being however managed to keep that to himself. Across the table Sirius's eyes were twinkling in amusement. Either from Remus being stubborn or James being bratty, Remus wasn't really sure. Possibly both.
"Look at it this way," Peter said cheerfully, "Remus hates Quidditch but he's still gonna come to your games just for you."
James poked at his food, lips twitching a tad bit. "Yeah, I guess."
"Exactly," Remus chimed in. "I will one hundred percent go to your games and be cheering and... erm..." What did people do at sports? "Waving a banner. And ummm..." He tried to think. "Wear lion ears."
James looked at him. "Do you really have no idea what goes on at Quidditch games? You're just guessing, aren't you?"
Remus's cheeks went a little pink and he sniffled. "All right, so I don't. But as I said, I'll have them and I'll read the book you gave me over the summer. I'll be fine."
After lunch they headed towards Defense, Remus walking a little behind his friends as he searched through his bag for something. Sirius slowed down, matching pace. "Hey," he said, elbowing Remus gently. "You okay?"
"Huh?" Remus blinked up at him.
"You seemed kind've out of it all weekend," Sirius said, silver eyes piercing him. "Was it your nightmare on Friday? You seem a little better now but... I just wanted to see if you were."
"I guess I'm just a little stressed out about the exams," he lied.
Sirius snorted. "You're putting too much pressure on yourself. You could take all those exams with one hand--no, both hands tied behind your back and still beat us all." Remus smiled but didn't respond. Sirius ran his fingers through his hair, giving a loud sigh. "You are though. You're smart. Brains." He poked the top of Remus's head at that.
"I still need to make sure I get the best I can possibly get."
They were nearing Defense now and Sirius stopped, so Remus stopped as well. "Is it because of your parents?"
Remus froze except for a wormy sort of sickness deep in the pit of his stomach. How did Sirius know that? Did he see one of the letters Remus had written? Or--something his mother had written? Remus was so careful not letting anyone see! He destroyed his mother's letters after, making sure no scrap of evidence remained of her mentioning the moon or his curse. But did Sirius happen to see...? No. No, because if he did he'd have seen the truth laid out about Remus being a werewolf, and he wouldn't be standing there poking him--touching him--if he knew.
So... how?
"No," Remus said, trying his hardest to keep his voice steady. Except there was a tiny bit of a tremble in the short word and Sirius definitely picked it up, as his eyebrows went shooting up. "For myself. That's all."
James and Peter were waiting ahead, watching the two of them with curiosity. Sirius waved his hand to indicate for them to go on in which they did. "Look..." He stepped closer to Remus, his voice dropping. "I don't know exactly what your family dynamic is like but--I do understand what it's like to be pressured. By family. And... you know... just..." He trailed off, eyes lowering a little. "You didn't eat lunch at all."
Remus frowned. Of course he had eaten, he had had... errr... "I ate."
"No you didn't, you were too busy reading your Charms book except when James talked to you about the Quidditch stuff." Sirius pushed his hair back again. "You've been paler than normal this weekend too." Because I barely got any sleep cause of those nightmares, he wanted to argue, though kept his mouth shut. "Is it your parents? Pushing you?"
"No," he said, this time honestly. "They're proud of my grades but they never tell me I have to do better." It's me who says that. Again, he kept that to himself.
"So... what... it's you?" he asked, far too perceptive. Remus kinda wanted to kick him. "Remus, just--" His hand started coming down to Remus's shoulder but Remus pulled away.
"Come on, we're going to be late." He walked to the classroom, blood pounding in his ears. He wasn't sure what to take from that exchange except Sirius didn't really have any right to accuse him of pushing himself, or anything. Sure, okay, yeah, he was pushing himself but--he had to. He could just study here and there, get pretty good grades. Remus knew he was smart, he knew he'd easily get at least Es if he never studied at all. But he needed the Os, he needed the highest percentages possible so he could show them to his mother when she tried to say he shouldn't go back to Hogwarts.
Dedenne glanced up as he came in. "You're a minute late, Mr. Lupin; one point from Gryffindor."
"Sorry, P-Professor," he mumbled as he took his seat.
Sirius, who came in behind him, was ignored by her. Of course.
*
Fawley saw the kiss. Of course she did. She had that sort of smile on her face after which irked Remus. However she also saw what Sirius did: that Remus was pushing himself. She saw the little conversation they had, then asked him if he was skipping meals.
"No," he replied, lifting his chin. "Sometimes I don't eat much at meals but--I'm--I'm not skipping. Besides, I need... t-to be the best. You know that. You said that--"
"It wasn't my intent to put more pressure on you when I gave you that idea," she chided softly. "You're only twelve. You'll have plenty of time to panic come O.W.Ls."
He bit his bottom lip anxiously. "If I don't g-get really good grades then I probably won't make it to the O.W.Ls. Hogwarts is... wonderful. I love it here. I don't w-want to go back to... not learning."
"Not having friends?" she asked and he looked away, reddening a little bit. "You... can't... stay friends with them forever."
"I know. It isn't just my friends, though, it is th-the whole school thing. I adore my classes! I love learning. And--and sure my m-mother could read to me from a book, my father could show me things but it's not the same." He was still chewing on his lip and now he drew some blood. "Professor McGonagall is one of the--the most b-brilliant Transfiguration experts ever. I would never get the same sort of education from a book that I would from her. Even the teachers who aren't absolute experts in their fields they still can teach me so much more than at home."
Fawley smiled though this one wasn't that secret-y sort of 'Lily kissed you on the cheek' smile she had before, this was a proper smile. "You are such a passionate young man. So intelligent. It's such a..." She trailed off.
"Such a what?"
"Nothing," she sighed. "Nothing, dear. Let's continue with Occlumency, shall we?" She pressed her hands against his temples without waiting for a response, pushing into his head once more.
He was getting a little better at resisting her, at least so she said. He couldn't tell a different except for the headache being sharper afterwards but she told him that his mind didn't yield quite as easily anymore, that she was consistently having to press a little more than usual to get in. It wasn't exactly what he wanted (he wanted to have something more solid by this point) but at least it was something he supposed.
*
The next evening after curfew but before Astronomy Remus gave up trying to take a nap. Apparently one of the big bands was having their new song played on the radio for the first time and everyone seemed pretty excited except maybe Spinnet who wasn't that into music. Struthers had actually gone over to James, Sirius, and Peter to be excited with them. James was playing the newest album by the group loudly while the four of them sang and flailed around until eight pm--the 'magic' moment, so to speak--came. Remus hoped afterwards he could take a nap. He generally liked music but he didn't particular like Kaeso And The Monster Boys. Most their songs involved monsters and he knew one day there'd be a werewolf one.
Which turned out to be today.
It was called the Full Moon Howl and Remus buried his nose as deep into his book as he could, skin prickling every time there was a reference which seemed to just about be every other line, as if the words were a glowing arrow pointing at him.
In the darkness, a sliver of light, my heart is on the prowl. I'm the beast, my darling, and you make me do the full moon howl! AWOOOOO!!!!
It was so stupid.
Baby your love burns me like a silver knife in my heart.
Remus bowed his head, nose itching. It was the dumbest song he'd ever heard.
Baby you cut through the evil you see through me, baby I'm yours you've freed me. No more darkness, the world's full of light, baby my heart's on the prowl. No more a beast, my sweetest, I've finished my full moon howl.
So, true love gets rid of a werewolf's curse. Remus rolled his eyes and then drew his knees up, muscles in his jaw twitching a little, feeling like he might cry.
"AWOOOO!" James howled when the song finished, jumping back and forth on his and Sirius's beds. "AwwwoOOOOOO!"
"That was so much better than Basilisk's Stare," Peter said, referencing their last song.
Remus could hear people down in the common room howling. Why couldn't the other Marauders and Struthers have gone down there to listen to the stupid song? He sank down in his bed, the words in his book blurring a little as some tears finally came to his eyes. It was so stupid. A few drops landed on his book and he reached out, shutting his curtains so nobody could see him as he rolled over, covering his face. Stupid. Stupid. So stupid.
"AWOOOOOO!"
James, Peter, and Struthers were all howling now, and laughing, trying to repeat some of the lines they got from the song. They only remembered bits and pieces. Remus had every line burned into his brain. He couldn't get rid of them even if he tried. Unfortunately. He wanted to reach into his head, yank the words out, claw up his body to pull the song out of his very being. He knew this song was gonna be played on the radio over and over, that most the kids would be singing it, probably howling. He pulled his blanket over his head, gritting his teeth, making slight choking sound as he tried to stop the even louder sobbing sounds from coming out.
"Sirius, you're being quiet, what did you think?" James asked.
"Oh, I dunno. It was all right I guess."
"All right?!" James demanded incredulously. "It was brilliant. Their best one yet!"
"Ehhh."
"You're crazy."
"Thank you."
At least Sirius wouldn't be howling. Remus rubbed his eyes, took a few deep breaths, then decided a shower would be best. He hopped out of bed so he could quickly gather his stuff then left, but Sirius followed him into the hall, grabbing his arm to stop him. "Hey, are you okay?"
"Fine." Remus clutched his towel to his chest, looking down at the ground. "Are you going to ask me that every day?"
"Every day that you seem upset."
Remus glared. "I'm not upset."
"You look like you were crying."
He wrenched his arm free. "I wasn't. Excuse me." He pushed past Sirius to get to the bathroom, feeling any second the flood might come again. He managed to hold it off until he got in the shower, turned on the water. Then he collapsed down, sobbing loudly, the lyrics repeating in his head. Silver daggers, slobbering animals. Why would anyone even want to sing about that? Or basilisks? Or dementors? Or lethifolds? Or trolls? That's what he was part of. Inhuman... beasts... Monsters...
The ending of the song was clear: it wasn't until after the evil that the girl loved him.
Because who could love a werewolf?
Remus stayed in the shower for a long time. Cried until he couldn't anymore then just curled up on the floor as the hot water sprayed down, eventually turning cold. He knew it could be magicked to stay hot all day however suspected there was a cut off point to prevent people from taking crazy long showers. Like him. He let the cold water wash over him, soon shivering rather violently. He just curled up into a tighter ball, burying his face in his arms, hating whoever Kaeso was and his stupid, dumb... stupid... monster boys. At some point Sirius came in, calling for him, telling him he had been in there for over an hour now. Remus said he was fine, said he'd be out soon but he had no intention of leaving the shower. With the water spraying down he couldn't hear the howls.
"You're not okay," Sirius said.
"Leave me alone."
"What's wrong?"
Remus could see just under the curtains. They didn't quite reach the floor. There was maybe a half inch gap, and he could see Sirius's fancy slippers standing just a few feet away. "Nothing. I don't feel good. I think I might go to the hospital wing."
"Are you--do you need help?"
"Help with what?"
"Getting to the hospital wing."
"No. Just, go away."
"Remus--"
"Please."
The slippers shifted a bit then disappeared. Remus sat upright, turning off the shower then slumping back against the wall. His entire body was like a prune now. And he was so cold. I'm overreacting, he thought as he reached through the curtain to grab his towel. It's just a song. It's meaningless. It's stupid. He dried off then got dressed in his uniform, debating whether or not to go to the hospital wing or go to Astronomy. He wanted to go to the hospital wing and stay there overnight, tucked away from Kaeso and the Monster Boys. However... skipping class... wasn't the best of ideas with exams so class and him needing to miss at least two days of classes cause of the moon anyway.
Full moon howl, he thought miserably as he left the bathroom. His dorm was playing the album again, James, Peter, and Struthers singing the old songs. He walked in just as Kaeso crooned that his lover was freezing him up like a basilisk's stare.
Basilisks kill people with their eyes, not freeze them, he thought rather bitterly. But I suppose it doesn't sound as cool if you say freezing him up like a basilik's stare from a mirror. Sirius watched him with curiosity as he went to his bed. Remus remained silent, falling into his bed and closing the curtains.
"AWOOOOOO!"
James was howling again.
Merlin's sake just STOP! Remus grabbed his pillow, pulling it over his head. He knew it was wrong of him but he couldn't help but feel a slight stab of anger towards James and Peter. It wasn't fair. They liked the group, they liked their music. It was probably a great bop to most kids. Just... why?!
He was still furious and miserable when it was time to go to Astronomy. He shrugged off Sirius's concern, pretending like he was feeling better. Of course that night he had a nightmare about the song. A silver dagger into his heart. All his friends howling at him as he trashed in pain until death took him. He woke up with a start, thankfully not screaming; he didn't want to deal with Sirius right now.
He slid out of bed and went to the window, pressing his hot face against the cool glass. The moon was a perfect crescent shape in the sky, a little more than a week until it'd be full. He ran his fingers down the glass then returned to bed, wrapping himself around one of his pillows, fighting off sleep until he couldn't anymore, and the nightmares pulled him in again once more.