Seulki experiences her first panic attack
Seulki took a deep breath and squeezed her shaking hands into fists. There was a lot more fans here than she had expected. But again, they were internationally famous, what was she expecting? She took a deep breath, doing her best to calm her beating heart. She looked at herself in the mirror, her hazel eyes staring back at her. She could do this; they'd been doing this for years now. She nodded to herself quickly, willing herself to get it together.
"Start moving to the stage!" She heard her manager shout over the noisy dressing room. She took another breath, standing on shaky legs and walking out of the room. She heard the fans screaming and while she had the excitement of being able to meet ARMY's again after a long time, she couldn't help the panic building in her chest. She felt nauseous and her heart was beating harder. She was worried; what if someone tried to grab her again? What if she made a mistake because she isn't focused completely? What if this was the end of her career, she could no longer do this? She couldn't stop the racing thoughts and it was doing nothing to help her anxiety.
Her breathing became unsteady and she gripped the banister of the stairs until her knuckled turned white. She felt like she was going to pass out. "What's wrong?" Namjoon said and she jumped at his voice. She hadn't even known he was so close to her. "I-I don't think I can do this." She muttered and was surprised Namjoon was able to hear her quiet voice over the roar of the crowd. Namjoon quirked an eyebrow, bending down to meet her at eye-level. "What are you talking about? Of course you can." She nodded, not wanting to worry him. "What if I mess up?" She said, her racing thoughts starting to be verbalized. She trembled a little more and Namjoon frowned, gripping her wrists and forcing her to look at him. "Hey! Seulki! I'm right here. You got this. You can pull it together."
She felt tears pooling in her eyes but she wouldn't dare let them fall. But what if they did? Would she then walk out there looking like a raccoon? It would give them more to talk about, more articles. She could see it in her head. BTS's Choi Seulki can't keep her shit together. She scoffed, taking in a shaky breath. "S! Choi Seulki! Look at me!" She heard Namjoon's voice and she opened her hazel eyes, meeting his brown ones. "S, you can do this. I know you can." She nodded again but Namjoon's grip on her wrists didn't let up. "3 minutes!" She heard a staff shout and she felt her stomach churn.
"What's going on?" She heard Jin's voice but it sounded far away. She needed everything to shut up for just a second; just enough for her to get her head on straight. "Seulki," she heard Jin coo in her ear. "I'll be by your side the whole time. You got this." She nodded her head but it felt robotic. "What if I mess up? What if someone tries to grab me again?" Her thoughts were racing, her worries becoming more evident to herself and to her members. Her trembling increased and Namjoon was at a loss. She wasn't hearing them; well, she was but she wasn't hearing them. "Seulki, I need you to breathe with me." He took one of her hands and placed it on his chest, hoping his steady heartbeat and even rising and falling of his breathing would help.
She did her best to focus on Namjoon's heartbeat, but it wasn't working. "Why am I feeling this way? I do this all the time! Get it together!" She said to herself, hitting herself on the forehead lightly. Yoongi came up, wrapping his arms around her and she tensed. "I need you to hear us, Seulki." She knew she had less than a minute to pull herself together but she couldn't. Now she was frustrate on top of her seemingly undistractable panic. "What if I make a fool of myself? What if I forget the choreography? Oh, god, what if someone runs on the stage?" She was voicing all her worries until Jungkook finally walked up, flicking her forehead with a more force than the others deemed necessary.
She shook her head, slightly narrowing her eyes at Jungkook. "Get it together. It's time." He said simply and she turned around, marching on to the stage. Jungkook's physical attack seemed to work in calming her down. She performed flawlessly, owning the stage as if she was the only one up there and the others couldn't help but look on in awe. They finished, all sweating profusely and breathing heavily. Seulki was utterly exhausted, barely able to muster up the energy to change her clothes. But she did and then collapsed on the couch, leaning her head on the arm rest. She felt someone lift her and the arm rest was replaced by someone's chest. Namjoon's.
"What was that?" He asked quietly and she opened her eyes, noticing the others trying to pretend they weren't listening in but they were bad actors. "I-I don't know." She gulped and it wasn't a total lie. She really had no idea why she suddenly started to panic; mostly. "Seulki, even when we debuted you never had that happen. All the interviews, fan meets, shows, solo stages. You never once panicked like you just did. I've never heard you doubt yourself about your performance." She sighed, not sure what to say. "I know part of it." She said quietly and suddenly everyone's eyes were on hers. "We can't try to help if we don't know, baby." Yoongi said. She nodded.
"I've felt on edge ever since. . ." she didn't say anything and the others tensed but nodded in understanding. "But you know that can't happen again, right? The police took him and we won't let anyone do it again. We have more security now." She nodded, sitting upright. "I know that. I know that. But ever since, I just feel on edge. I feel like I'm being watched. We have more security, but they can't handle thousands of people at once. And the headlines, god, I can just see the headlines-" Someone smacked the back of her head and she yelped, turning around to a smiling Jungkook. "You were rambling again." He shrugged but she saw the concern in his eyes.
"We'll talk to manager when we get back to the hotel. We'll figure something out, S. Maybe you can talk to someone?" She shook her head violently. "I'm okay, really. Just-I just don't want to be alone until it stops." They all nodded in understanding, a course of we won't let you be and you never are's ringing around the room. Seulki smiled, walking out with Taehyung to the car, eager to get back to the hotel and sleep.
"Do you think she's going to be okay?" Yoongi mumbled to Namjoon and Jin as they watched the pair walk out. Namjoon sighed and Jin looked at him.
"I don't know, hyung. I don't know."