I ran towards her direction to greet and hug her despite all these people. Sa loob ng limang taon ay ngayon niya lang ulit nagawang magpakita sa amin at lubos ko iyong ikinagagalak.
I can't stop myself from shedding tears while hugging her tightly. The warmth of her embrace is what I missed the most because through her hugs, she can ease the burning fire in me. Only her can do that.
Hindi ko nagawang makapagsalita sa loob ng ilang minuto. Gusto ko lang munang damahin ang pagkakataong ito. Baka kasi kapag binitawan ko siya ay bigla na naman siyang mawala sa paningin ko.
"Hey there," I heard her say using her usual sweet tone as she caresses my hair softly.
Mas lalo akong napayakap ng mahigpit sa kanya dahil doon. Mas naging mariin ang pikit ng mga mata ko habang patuloy pa ring umaagos ang mga luha.
Hinayaan niya akong ganoon ang ayos ko without complaining at all. Pero ako na mismo ang bumitaw sa kanya ng dahan-dahan when I'm starting to feel the tension that's rising within the area. I can also feel the looks that they're giving to us, especially my Mom.
Nang tuluyang makawala sa yapos ay yumuko ako saka pinagpatuloy ang mahinang pag-iyak.
"I told you so." Narinig ko ang malamig na boses ni Mom kaya mas lalo lang akong nahiya sa ginawa ko. Pero hindi ko alam kung kanino niya ba iyon ipinaparating. I know that it caught the guests' attention but my sister is more important to me. Hindi ba siya masaya na makita ulit ang isa niya pang anak?
Nakita ko ang pagluhod ni Ate para mas maging magkalebel kami. Unti-unti kong inangat ang tingin sa kanya nang mahawakan niya ako sa kamay. She gave me a genuine smile but I can sense the sadness in it.
"Iyakin ka pa rin." Pinupunasan niya ang pisngi kong nabasa ng mga luha kahit na tuloy-tuloy pa rin ang agos nito.
"I just missed you so much, Ate," garalgal at nanginginig ang boses ko habang sinasabi ko iyon sa kanya.
"I missed you too, love."
"Will you tell me what happened in five years? Are you gonna stay with us again?"
Please, tell me that she's gonna stay with us. That she's never gonna leave me again. That we will continue to grow with each other. I just couldn't imagine myself without her anymore. In five years, it feels like there's a big hole in my soul and I'm living in a black and white world.
"Of course, I will tell you what happened. Magagawa lang natin iyon kapag nasa bahay na tayo, hmm? Then, we're gonna spend the night like we always do. Reading fairytales, watching movies, baking pastries and cakes. Naaalala mo pa ba iyon? We're gonna do it again. Isn't it exciting, love?" A bright smile curved on her lips, but her eyes seem to be modestly downcast. And I know why.
"Night? You're just going to stay for tonight? Not tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. Just for tonight. Why?"
Bigla akong napanghinaan ulit ng loob. Pakiramdam ko ay tuluyan na siyang bumitaw mula sa pagkakahawak ko. Bakit pa siya bumalik kung iiwan niya lang naman ulit ako? She's going to torn my heart into pieces again!
"Love, listen, I am always with you," she said heartsick over my reaction. "Here." She put her hand on my chest while giving me a sad smile.
Ngayon ko lang nakita sa pitong taon na pagsasamahan namin bilang magkapatid ang ngiting iyon at napakabigat iyon para sa akin. Paano pa kaya kung ganito palagi ang dala niya simula nang umalis siya ng bahay? I can tell that it is miserable as much as where I am standing now.
Napapikit ako at napahagulhol habang umiiling-iling. Hindi ko matatanggap ang mga sinasabi niya. Ayoko. Ayoko nang maulit iyong pakiramdam na naramdaman ko noon na hanggang ngayon ay dala-dala ko pa rin.
"But I want you here physically not just emotionally."
Hindi niya nagawang makaimik sa sinabi ko. Napansin ko rin ang pag-iba ng ekspresyon na gumuhit sa mukha niya. Sinubukan niyang iiwas ang tingin niya sa akin kaya nama'y yumuko na lang siya habang nakahawak pa rin sa mga kamay ko.
What was that? Senyales iyon na ayaw niya na talagang bumalik at manatili pa!
"Ayaw mo na ba akong makasama kaya ba ngayon ka lang ulit bumalik para mas lalo lang pabigatin ang nararamdaman ko?! How could you, Ate! How could you do this to me!" I bursted out.
I kept it all. I kept my true emotions hidden in the past five years because I don't want them to see me in a state of being broken for several times. My parents will never understand it. So, I tried really hard not to be seen or noticed while my sister is not with me. Mga unan at kumot ang naging sandigan ko noong mga panahong wala siya at kinakailangan ko nang ilabas ang lahat dahil sabog na sabog na ako sa loob. Especially that I'm still too young back then and my emotions are very much alive but uncontrollable.
I was seven and needed my family to be with me since I still couldn't manage to live without them. Kailangan ko pa ng pag-aalaga at pagmamahal pero sa mga katulong namin ko iyon natanggap.
Everytime that my parents came home from work, para akong isang pulubi na palaging namamalimos ng atensyon sa kanila. Masaya na ako na Dad always stayed with me until I fell asleep and Mom always checked on me with a smiling face. Pero hanggang doon lang iyon. I am happy but that wasn't enough for me. I want more than that.
I don't want to be selfish but sometimes, I wish I was. I want to be an understanding person pero hindi ba puwedeng ako naman 'yong intindihin? If I am really their daughter, they will feel it too.
When I turned eight, it was worst than I expected. Mom trained me about the proper etiquette of being the heiress of our family. She taught me about business because she thought that I was as clever and prim as her but she's wrong.
Ilang beses ko siyang kinausap tungkol doon. Ilang beses akong nagmakaawa pero lahat iyon ay balewala sa kanya. Even Dad didn't protest on Mom's decisions for me. Alam ko naman na lahat ng ginagawa nila ay para naman sa ikabubuti ko kaya sinunod ko naman lahat ng mga sinasabi at paalala nila. But I am not a robot! May limitasyon din ako. Nasasakal din ako. Napipigtas din ang lubid ng pasensiya at pag-uunawa ko.
But if I tried to defend myself, I am always the bad guy for them na para bang isang krimen ang ginawa ko. In the end, I am always on the wrong side of the universe.
And in school, I'm a victim of bullying until my tenth birthday, reason for me to have no friends at all. It started when I was six. Hindi ko iyon masyadong naging problema dahil nandiyan ang Ate ko pero noong nawala siya ay nawala rin ako sa sarili ko. Hindi ko nakayanang lumaban pa nang wala siya.
I was a loner, but when they knew about our family, they stopped bullying me. Akala ko tuloy-tuloy na iyon pero dumaan lang ang ilang araw ay mas malala pa ang mga ginawa nila sa akin. They threatened me at muntikan pa akong madisgrasya pero hindi iyon nakarating sa mga magulang ko. They have control over me so I decided to end my life but it didn't go well according to my plan.
I was confined in the hospital for weeks because of a long and deep cut on my wrist. Instead na alalahanin at alagaan nila ako ay galit at pagkabigo ang ibinigay at ipinaramdam nila sa akin. I received a cold treatment from my Mom. Dad was taking care of me and I can feel his disappointment and rage over me so I chose to ignore the situation, but sometimes, I just want to flee.
Mom is not that strict and cruel but ever since that incident, she became different. Sinubukan kong makuha ulit ang loob nila kaya mas naging pursigido ako sa pag-aaral ko. Hindi ko na nagawang sagutin o suwayin pa sila. Hindi ko na nagawang ipaglaban ang sarili ko kahit na alam kong nasa tama ako at natatapakan na ang karapatan na mayroon ako. Pero kahit kailan ay hindi iyon naging sapat.
Dad's sweet, hindi naman iyon nawala but there's something in that sweetness that I couldn't understand.
There's a huge wall between us na hindi ko na kayang tawirin kahit na anong pagpipilit ko sa sarili ko. If I push through it, that wall might crumble.
Minsan napapatanong na lang ako kung may totoo pa bang tao sa paligid ko. There's been a void in me and it's very difficult to deal with. I am lost, trying to find my way out, but I just couldn't since my most trusted person is gone. Now that she's back, I don't think I can still tell to myself that she's my strength and savior.
Even though I'm young, I can tell how much I'm attached to my one and only sister. I can tell what bond we had. She's my favorite person. I experienced rough childhood, but she's the reason why it became so meaningful and important to me.
"Hey, hey, calm down," si Ate na ngayon ay natataranta na dahil sa biglaang pagsabog ko.
I couldn't utter any single words because of the weight in my chest. Kinakapos na rin ako sa paghinga dahil sa sunod-sunod na hagulhol ko. Umiling-iling na lang ako, senyales na ayokong makinig sa kahit na anong salitang galing sa kanya.
"For christ's sake! This is not a drama theatre, Aislinn! Pull yourself together. You're embarrassing our family and this reunion."
Unti-unti kong tinignan si Mom. Mahina ngunit punong-puno ng diin ang tono ng boses niya dahil sa galit na namumutawi sa kanya.
"Stop it already," dagdag niya pa.
I gritted my teeth to suppress my anger, sadness and disappointment. Lumipas ang ilang minuto na ilang beses kong kinalma ang sarili ko para matigil na rin ako sa pag-iyak. Masyado nang mabigat. Baka tuluyan na talaga akong bumagsak. But Mom's really unbelievable. Mas importante pa sa kanya ang kahihiyan at negosyo.
"Mom, let her-"
"Don't overpower me with your words. I already know what the result is so don't let Aislinn follow your footsteps."
Nakita ko naman ang pagpipigil ni Ate na sagutin si Mom pero hindi niya pa rin nakayanan.
"Overpower? Huwag mo akong gawing kalaban, Mom, dahil anak mo ako kahit na pagbalik-baliktarin pa natin ang mundo. Ikaw ang nagluwal sa akin pero ikaw din ang tumakwil sa akin. Because of what? Because I got pregnant-"
Natahimik si Ate nang dumapo sa pisngi niya ang malakas na sampal ni Mom na siyang naging dahilan ng sentro ng atensyon. Kahit ako ay gulat na gulat sa ginawa ni Mom, reason for me to stop from crying. Habang namimilog ang mga mata ko sa nasaksihan ay hindi ko na maalis ang tingin ko sa kanila, hinihintay kung ano man ang susunod na mangyayari.
Binaling ko ang tingin kay Ate na ngayon ay namumula na. Pansin ko sa mga mata niya ang nagbabadyang mga luha na pinipigilan niya. Nang bumaba ang tingin ko, nakita ko ang pagkuyom ng mga kamay niya.
Tumingin naman ako kay Mom na walang pinapakitang kahit na anong emosyon sa mukha niya, but I can feel too much rage in her aura. I didn't expect this from Mom. Ni minsan ay hindi siya nagpakita ng kahit na anong makakasira o makakarumi sa pangalan niya. She's always composed. Pero tila yata nabali iyon ngayon. Ganoon ba talaga kalaki ang galit niya kay Ate? Ganoon ba kalalim ang naging kasalanan ni Ate?
Habang nakikipagtagisan sila ng tinginan sa isa't isa ay may biglang sumulpot sa eksena.
"Mama!"
May biglang lumapit kay Ate. Agad naman itong binuhat ni Ate that made my brows creased because of bemusement.
Mama? I don't understand!
"And you have the guts to bring your own family here. What a shame." Huling narinig ko kay Mom bago siya umalis at tumungo sa unahan para humingi ng tawad sa nasaksihan ng mga bisita kanina. If I know, Mom's being fake in front of these people again since ayaw niyang nasisira ang image na meron siya.
Bumalik ang tingin ko kay Ate na ngayon ay nakatingin na pala sa akin habang buhat pa rin ang 'anak' niya. She tried to hold me, but I avoided it by taking a steps backward.
"Love, please," she pleaded with those dreary eyes of hers. "There are lots of things you still don't understand so please, hear me out. I'll try to explain everything to you, I promise."
I continue to shook my head as a sign of disapproval to her statement. I don't need an explanation kasi ngayon palang ay naiintindihan ko na kung ano ang nangyari noon. Naiintindihan ko na ang galit ni Mom at ang sitwasyong kinasasadlakan ng pamilya namin.
My sister chose to gave everything up for her selfish acts. She gave up on being a heir. She gave up on being a part of this family. She gave up on being a sister to me. Pinasa niya sa akin ang mga responsibilidad na kailanman ay hindi ko ginusto at hiniling. She's the reason why I am imprisoned in misery. And now, she's nothing but a complete stranger to me and to my family.
Tumakbo ako palayo sa kanya nang hindi na lumilingon pa. I ended up at the pool garden again, hoping that Coenraad will be there. I searched the whole area while shedding tears, but he's nowhere to be found so I got disappointed again.
Dahan-dahan akong naglakad palapit sa swimming pool na walang ibang nasa isip kundi ang tumalon at magpakalunod. Nagulat ako nang bago pa man ako tuluyang mahulog sa malalim na pool ay may humigit sa kamay ko. Agad niya akong iniharap sa kanya, giving me a comforting hug without saying anything.
It's Coenraad.
And... here I am, letting myself to cry on someone's shoulder for the first time in five years, trying to convince myself that it's just a cut. A cut that soon will leave a scar of lingering pain.