Closing my eyes, I decided it was best if I just lay there for a moment… become consumed with the pain. This was a regular thing from her when we were in school… but she’d gotten stronger since… so obviously the blows hurt more. Deciding it was time to get up I clutched my stomach with one hand whilst using the other as a lever til I could shimmy my knees underneath, using those as support instead. Once on my feet I began to limp forward, I could barely breathe and I could barely see… she had damaged something this time… I was sure of it.
The more I walked, the more I wanted to be sick… my eyes darted all around me, making sure that Serena and the gang were not anywhere to be seen before turning a corner, I used to feel so scared in school when they ganged up on me… now it just pissed me off, I felt so annoyed that I was so weak… unable to do anything for myself. I couldn’t take it anymore, as soon as the bile reached my throat I threw up, the contents of my stomach flew out in a jet stream… I stumbled, expecting to land in the pile of sick but thankfully I grabbed onto the post next to me.
Straightening myself up and wiping the excess sick of my lips I started to walk home again, I began to wish that I had a damn car… it would save so much time and would be really handy right now, but with the Government being the way it was and insurance, MOT and the actual bloody cost of the car… it was near enough impossible to buy one… stupid really. It was the same with going to university, I said I was only going to have a gap year and THEN apply… but I just can’t afford it… and I certainly don’t want to lend money off my parents either. Looking around at my surroundings I saw that I was back by St James’ church… not long now and I would be home… thank God for that one.
I couldn’t wait to get home and just flop down on my bed, at least then I would be safe, I would be far away from these monsters that thought they were doing good by punishing me… when in fact I’ve done nothing wrong except be different, and for being different I was called a freak. Once more I found myself doubling over from the pain, pleading to God to make him take the pain away. I gripped onto the side of the wall nearest to me, peaking around the corner… there she was… sat on a bench with Leon, sticking her venomous tongue down his throat, this was the only way home for me… shit. Sucking in breath and forcing myself to stand up straight I began to walk in their direction, praying she wouldn’t see me, making sure I didn’t look her way I held my head up high and began to faux a strut.
“Is that?” I heard her whisper, her tone was evidently angry… but I think she was more surprised to see me standing, it wouldn’t be long before she caught up with me
“Let her go Serena, you’ve done enough today” I heard him call after her, she gave a very exaggerated grunt so I assumed she’d gone back to him… ‘Thank you’ I mimed to myself.
Once my house was in sight I could not withhold the smile that spread across it, I was so close to safety, so close to that nice warm bed of mine. Eventually I pushed through the front gate, walked along the garden path and tried the handle… it was locked… shit, then I remembered… they were going out for a meal, quickly reaching around in my bag I noticed that I didn’t pack my keys, getting more and more frustrated with myself, I kicked the plant pot nearest to me… a key pooped out… then once more realisation hit me that we always kept a spare somewhere outside. Cringing as I bent down, I scooped up the key and unlocked the door. The house was quiet yet that felt just perfect… quiet was always best. Shutting the door behind me I decided to leave it open as I bet Hannah would want to come home for dinner, yet if she didn’t the door was open for her when she comes home later anyway.
Struggling my way upstairs I headed straight for my bedroom to dump my things down before turning to the bathroom, I knew what I would need at the moment… bed was not it. I ran the water in the bath; it would warm up in a few minutes so I put the plug in… that would cool the water so it would be nicer than scolding myself… I can thank mother for that little tip. Locking the door and stripping my clothes off I began to admire the nice lump that was now on my stomach… that was going to bruise and stay there for a bloody long time.
“Stupid bitch” I spat in the air, hissing as I began to touch marks. Once the water had filled the bath I slunk in and submerged myself, allowing my thoughts to become clear… and to wash the memory of today, her face and her little gang away… once I felt short of breath I sat up and began to breathe again… I knew what to do next.
Climbing out of the bath I walked towards the little shelf in the corner and grabbed a Razor Blade, this wasn’t going to be used for shaving… oh no. I walked back over to the bath and sloshed back in, my breath becoming shallow as it increased, always every time I did this… the first cut made me nervous… I mean I’d used worse utensils before… but this was closer and easier to use… I placed the blade directly over my skin, pressed it onto the flesh then yanked it back with all the force and frustration that I had built up… once more… then another… and another, til I just felt the pain just… slip away … it felt beautiful… but as soon as I looked at the mess I just made, I burst into tears dropped the blade… and sank my leg into the water, once more hissing as the water touch the bare and raw skin.
To be honest, I don’t know why I didn’t just stand up to her today, I mean… I just let her hit me… I could have kicked her… forced her back, yeah sure Leon would have probably hurt me for hurting her but I would have done something… it would have been better than being a fucking coward each time.. it would have been better than wanting to harm myself… wishing I were dead… so much better than that! I needed out of this place… I needed to get away from this quiet little town where no one helped you when you were hurt… where everyone minded their own business even if they knew their daughter was the school bully… that’s right Serena’s mother knew she was hurting me… because that little bitched bragged to her… and if she as much as spoke a word, that crazy bitch would hit her mother … she was daddy’s girl… and daddy hit mommy too.
Watching as the water changed to a yellow tinge I began to feel ill, that was the only downside to self-harming… blood… it made my stomach churn. Pulling the plug in the bath, I stepped out and grabbed a towel to wrap around my cold body, drying myself off but making sure that I didn’t touch the cuts; otherwise my parents would notice for sure. But if they did notice the one and only thing they would probably do is get me to see a shrink… and not ask why… they’d never ask why… because I’m not Hannah who is perfect to them… I know I shouldn’t be jealous of a younger sibling… but you’d have to see the way they are with me and then look at the way they are with her… it’s so different… I feel alone in a house full of people… full of family. Wrapping rolls of tissue around the cuts and tying a makeshift knot with them, I chucked my clothes back on and walked into my bedroom. Grunting once more when I saw how much of a bloody state it was before slumping on top of my bed, propping and plumping the pillow then nodding off into a blissful, relaxing and well needed sleep.
It wasn’t long before I heard the front door slam shut, seems like someone was in a bad mood… I didn’t have to wait long before I heard a woman screaming and cursing the house down… Hannah… I think a guy must have pissed her off or she just got dumped, it was kind of hard to make out who she was with these days.
“Hannah?” I yelled downstairs
“Yeah?” it was her
“Just wondered who it was… have a nice day at school?”
“No, it as bloody awful” she was stropping… typical
“Wanna talk about it?” I asked her, I may be jealous of the kid… but I wasn’t going to just sit back and watch her suffer… I was still her sister.
“Are you sure?” she yelled back
“Positive, grab a drink and get your arse up here… mind the mess though” I gave a little laugh at the end of it, just to lighten the mood really. I sat up on my bed and began to twiddle with my thumbs as I waited for her to come up, it was usual for her to be in a bad mood lately… like I said it was hard to catch up with whom she was dating… it was awful that she set herself a label like that… I mean I’m not exactly innocent myself, but at least I don’t brag about it.
“Hey” she said, walking in my room…from the look on her face she was shocked at how messy my room was
“Sorry” I laughed “I’ve been meaning to clean but…” I shrugged
“it’s fine” she beamed at me, making her way over to my bed “May I?” she asked once she was stood next to my bed, I just nodded
“Now, tell me what’s up” she bit her lip as she flicked the hair out of her eyes
“It’s this… guy… in my class, he’s spreading all this shit about me” I nodded
“What are you going to do about it?” I questioned
“What can I do?” she took a sip of her drink
“You can stand up to him for starts?” I raised a brow “Don’t be a pushover like I was in school”
“Oh don’t worry I’m not…” her eyes widened “Sorry”
“It’s fine, but just say some bad shit about him back then… you’re popular… don’t look at me like that, you are… use it” I shouldn’t be encouraging her to become the Queen-B… but I didn’t want her like me… even though she never would be
“Would it be ok to do that though?:”
“He does it to you doesn’t he?”
“Yes but…”
“There’s your answer then” she looked confused for a moment or two before smiling at me again
“Thanks Vic”
“It’s no problem, but just remember that I am always here ok? Even if I’m not here I’m on the other end of a phone” she reached down and gave me a hug, I had to grind my teeth and pretend I wasn’t in pain as she leaned on me… but I couldn’t flinch… she was hugging me, this was rare from her… she was always ‘I’m too old for hugs’ kinda kid. We sat and talked about her day for a while, but then I said is it ok If I head off to sleep as I was very tired, she never questioned whenever I said those words… she probably thought I had some disorder or something. She bid me goodnight, kissed me on the cheek, turned the light off like I requested… then left… a few moments later I turned over in the direction of the window and drifted off into a peaceful sleep.