"Ya!"
I didn't bother to open my eyes to the sharp voice, only groaning at the familiar arrival that was stomping towards my bedroom now. In an instant, the door was teared open and knocked into the wall. A slight wave of concern washed over me; was there a hole where the door handle had banged into?
I lifted my head only a little, peeking at the area near my door with half-opened eyes. My vision was still blurry, and I wasn't able to see much. What I did see, however, was a tall figure standing in the threshold to my bedroom, a purplish mob sitting on top of its head. He'd changed his hair color again?
Dropping my head back down onto the pillow, I heard my intruder approaching me. The mattress beside me shifted a heartbeat later, and I moved my gaze, only to be met with dark eyes looking down on me.
"Namjoon," I eventually uttered, "go home."
To this, Kim Namjoon sighed. He grabbed my blanket and threw it onto the floor, exposing me to the freezing cold of my room. "That's been enough weeks of feeling sorry for yourself. Get up. I brought bibimbap."
Ignoring him, I rolled onto my side, leaning over the edge of my bed and laboriously picking up my blanket. Namjoon, though, took it from me before I could cover myself up again.
"Get up!" His voice was more strict now, reminding me of what of an annoying big brother-like friend he could be at times. "Stop acting as if you're dying."
He pulled at my arm, gently at first, then more harshly as I didn't stir. When I finally gave in, sitting up in a sluggish movement, like I hadn't sat for years, Namjoon kneeled down in front of me, so that our eyes were on the same level. He looked at me like a mother would look at her hurt child. I felt discontented being put in a degraded position like this and quickly looked away.
A moment of awkward — me — and pitiful — him — silence passed before Namjoon moved again.
"I hate seeing you like this, J," he said surprisingly fondly and stood up. His gaze had been lifted from me, and he was looking at nothing in particular now, just somewhere off to the side. "Bibimbap's in the kitchen if you're hungry."
Namjoon slowly left my room then, and an ephemeral minute later I heard the front door klick shut. The apartment returned to the silence I'd grown accustomed to, and it was somewhat like he'd never been here. A part of me wished he would've stayed and had bibimbap with me, but the bigger part just wanted to be alone. He knew this, I was certain.
I sat in the quiet of my room. Everything about my life felt empty like the space I stared off into, if not more. I had too much time on my hands that I didn't know what to fill with. Before, I hadn't needed to worry about this because I had her. She had been there at all times, at the very forefront of my own existence. Now, though, there was nothing but a collection of memories lingering in the back of my mind.
When I stood in the dimly lit kitchen sometime later, face washed and teeth brushed, I only stared at the dish Namjoon had gotten, I recognized, from the place opposite to his store. It looked delicious, admittedly, and yet I didn't want to eat it. He probably thought I liked bibimbap since I'd eaten it so often. The truth, though, was rather that I thought it was just okay; I'd only eaten it because she loved it so much.
Memories of our dinner dates started coming to my mind, and I felt a lump in my throat yet again. For once in almost a month, though, the urge to cry remained as that. I was irritated for a second, but then turned to walked away, dragging my feet in slow strides. Hesitantly, I reached out to the blinds switch attached to the wall I stood before now.
I pressed down on it. The blinds rose with a transient crack indicating that they hadn't been activated in long time. Strident light rushed in, then the entire kitchen and living space was dipped into the red evening sun. After my eyes had gotten used to the sudden brightness, I crossed over to the windows and, upon emerging, looked out at the city.
The building I lived in stood twenty-three stories tall, my place on the nineteenth, and I was able to easily look beyond the surrounding apartment complexes, out into the sunset at the distant skyline. It seemed to be warm, kind of, but the clothing of the pedestrians implied otherwise. I wasn't quite sure whether I actually wanted to head outside or not, but I figured I needed to; my stomach craved ramen.
I went to grab the keys that lied on the dresser beside the front door and threw on a random brown coat, not bothering to change into different clothes — the white shirt and black drawstring pants I'd worn to bed would surely suffice. I slipped into leather slippers just lying around and walked out of my apartment, waiting with my back facing the door, until I heard it fall shut behind me.
Within the next hour, I found myself seated in a Japanese restaurant. The place was only a stroll away from where I lived, but I'd been dawdling as I'd walked the streets. I'd thought I'd been kind of anticipating the food, but strangely enough, after I'd eaten, I only found myself at the bottom of the bowl, dull eyes staring back at me. I left as soon as I paid, headed back home.
Somewhere along the way, though, I stopped, hesitant. I was standing in front of a pub, staring at the label that hung above the entrance and flickered in bright neon lights. A young man brushed my shoulder as he entered, and to this, not thinking about it too much, I decided to follow.
Soon enough, I claimed a seat at the bar and ordered a beer. Just as I finished it, I signaled to the bartender for a tequila shot. As the minutes passed, I eventually ended up tossing back my third shot of the night. I didn't exactly know what time it was, and maybe it was a little too early for strong alcohol, but the sun had set long time ago, so I didn't really care.
"I didn't expect us to meet again this way." A female voice sounded from somewhere off to my left, suddenly. She slid into the barstool beside me, and I glanced her way, turning my head only slightly.
"Han Nari?" I was surprised to see her here, so sudden and unexpected.
"Hey. It's been a while." She seemed to smile, but in the darkness I was only just able to see that her eyes held the same sadness I'd seen in my own reflection not too long ago. As I thought about this momentarily, I was reminded again: Nari's sister had died.
After a beat, slightly hesitant, I replied, "About a year."
"Exactly one year," she said, specifying — I understood what this meant, and I was certain she knew I did.
Her gaze shifted away. "So, you've had two shots already?" She looked at me again, and I nodded to confirm. "Want to have another one together?"
I smiled, but I wasn't sure if she noticed. "Sure."
I had my next shot with her, downing it while she did hers. It was my last one for the night, and I watched her have another three. At some point, I caught myself looking at her for a little longer than I probably should have, my chin resting on the palm of my hand. Surprisingly, though, she held my gaze as she turned to face me. We looked at each other for a long time.
No words needed to be said for us to understand; her and I, we felt lonely.
She tilted her head, tenderly, and for a second I thought she was going to kiss me. Something within her expression suddenly changed, though, and she moved in her seat instead. I lifted my head a little as my eyes traced her movements.
My lips parted in an attempt to say something, but before I could think of any words, she spoke: "Should we go over to my place? The loud music is starting to get to me."
This was just an excuse, I knew, but I didn't let on, instead smiling faintly. "Okay."
We left the pub then, and she led the way down the streets. The night was just as dark as the bar inside, save for the bright streets lamps that illuminated her face every now and then as we went. With this, I was able to look at her. Like, really look at her.
For as long as I'd known her — which was only about a month — Han Nari had seemed like a bright person. There was always some sort of smile tugged to her expression, either on her lips or in her eyes. As of now, however, I had a hard time rediscovering this, the look on her entire frame rather bittersweet.
I got it, though. After all, this day marked the one year death anniversary of her little sister.
"Jimin." She looked my way, catching me a little off guard. She'd noticed I'd been staring, I could tell by the sound of her voice. "Do you think I can start working at Namjoon's store again?"
I thought for a moment, then answered, "Surely."
"That's nice..." she trailed off, facing ahead again. There was something nostalgic about the way she looked now. Maybe she missed it. At least, I knew Namjoon liked her; he'd talked about her a few times before, when she'd still used to work at his store. She was a sweet and positive person, apparently. I'd only seen her a few times around, and we'd never really talked, so I wouldn't have known.
Our conversation had died. Not that it had been vivid at any point anyway. I didn't mind, and she seemed content in the quiet, too.
From time to time, I glanced at her, and sometimes, when I hit the right angle in which I perceived, I suddenly felt like crying. It reminded me too much of her. I saw her in everything I'd shared with her, like the night. Especially the night. I tried hard not to get lost in my own thoughts, but to no avail.
We reached the front door to Nari's place a little later. She lived on the topmost floor of a small, five-storey apartment complex.
"This is me," she said after closing the door behind her and switching on the light, inside.
I stood somewhere beside her, slipping out of my shoes. After, I stepped forward, taking a better look at the space I was able to view. It was neat and minimalistic, seemingly much smaller than my place though.
We walked to the main room, the small kitchen space coming into view as we turned the corner. I waited beside the archway, looking at Nari as she went to grab a bottle, then two glasses. She turned my way. "Soju?"
"Sure." I followed her as she approached the couch.
While I sat somewhere close to the left edge, she balanced on the small split between the two cushions, legs crossed. She placed the glasses she'd brought on the wooden coffee table in front of us and filled them to the half. I reached to grab one, flashing her a quick, faint smile. We chunked our glasses, then downed them in one go. I set the glass back down on the table, and she did the same after wiping her mouth with her wrist.
I looked at her from sideways then, finally noticing how we were still in the shadows, the only real light shining faintly from the hallway. She was nothing but washed out edges, but I could still see her features clearly. Nari looked nothing like her, but she was right there in my gaze nonetheless. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't block it out.
I saw her sitting in the darkness of her apartment, looking off to the side, slightly flustered. A beat passed. Another. Finally, she turned to me and moved closer, until our faces were only inches apart from each other. Her eyes searched mine, then dashed down to my lips. She was going to kiss me, but eventually I leaned into it first.
My eyes closed to the softness of the touch, her lips gentle against mine. My fingers found the nape of her neck, and I moved forward, carefully shifting her body backwards. As she sank against the pillows on the couch, my chest brushed lightly against hers, slowly.
I'd somewhat known it was Nari who I was kissing all along, but the realization only hit me then. Everything about this moment was bittersweet. At long last, I was crying.
Rather surprised myself, I drew back. She opened her eyes to look at me, wondering. "Jimin." Her voice was carefully quiet.
I saw her through teary eyes for a moment, then embarrassment hit me. Quickly getting up to wipe my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt, I avoided her gaze.
Silence ensued, reopening the distance between us. I sat at the edge of the couch yet again, staring down to the floor. She moved sometime, sitting up as well. I didn't want to look at her, but her words urged me to all the same. "I get it," she said.
"What?" My voice was close to a whisper.
"I reminded you of someone, didn't I?"
I wondered if she could read my mind when hazel eyes settled on me. It was in this moment, that I found a smile, genuine and kind. For some reason I didn't know, I smiled as well, and for once in a long time it felt real.
An airy chuckle escaped my lips, surprising even myself. I leaned back into the couch, then titled my head back, so that it met with the wall behind me. The ceiling was very dark, almost like the night sky we walked under earlier.
My heart pounded calmly against my chest, and I was quiet for a while, feeling it. At some point when I felt strangely serene, I finally answered, "Her name is Kim Soyoung."
I looked at the bottle of soju on the coffee table. The words left my lips without a second thought now:
"She's in France now. I think she left me for the benefit of myself. I don't really know what to do though. She used to be there all the time, and now there's just nothing. It feels like everything disappeared when she did."
Regret instantly came over me upon the last part. Sitting beside Nari caught up in the aftermath of the tragedy that had been brought upon by her sister's death, was my sadness really justified at all?
Even if this bothered her, she didn't let on. It seemed as though she was going to hug me as she leaned forward, but instead I looked down to find her gentle hand covering mine. I was, admittedly, rather glad that she kept the distance chary.
She regarded me with a smile for a long moment, a little sadly, a little in relief. Then, once I thought we would remain like this the entire night, her gaze shifted away, landing somewhere to my left.
"When Jangmi died, I thought about disappearing too... I'm glad that I didn't though." She looked at me again, eyes suddenly rather bright. "'Cause I really want to start working at Namjoon's store again!"
To this, I laughed a little. My gaze dropped to her cheeks. There was a rosy tint to them, suddenly. Did the alcohol only just start to work on her?
She reached for the soju, then poured us another drink. "Do you want to stay the night? No hidden agenda. I'm just offering a place to sleep because it's late."
I wasn't so sure. Or maybe I was just scared of what I was getting myself into — not in terms of the night; I was scared of what's to come after this, when I would begin to see her regularly at Namjoon's store. This was new, and it required to let go of the past,
of Soyoung.
But despite this, in the end, I stayed anyway.
A/N: hi everyone! thanks for giving this book a read. i've been working hours at a time on this chapter, don't know why it's been so fkn hard for me to write their encounter??? i apologize if this was a little fast-paced, just couldn't find a better way to make this work. i absolutely needed to include all fo these infos right from the start, otherwise i would've gone crazy omg. my life (specifically school 🤢) has been very annoying lately, so updates will most likely be inconsistent, sorry!! please lmk if you enjoyed so far, leave a comment or whatever <3
love, lye