Remus didn't know how to approach Lily. All right, that wasn't entirely true. He was afraid of approaching her. Afraid of her shouting at him again or snubbing him, not even wanting to listen. He didn't want to try and make her listen, that seemed kinda rude, so he just kept to himself, moping. His friends tried to cheer him up between classes (and during class, Sirius sending him notes).
In Herbology James whisked a flowerpot full of fertilizer over Lily's head, dumping it on her. She squealed loudly, jumping back, knocking into Colgate who shrieked too as some of the fertilizer fell onto her. Lily glared at the table where the four Marauders stood. James and Sirius were snickering while Remus had his head in his hands. Not helpful, he thought though he kept his mouth shut. Sprout took five points from Gryffindor, lecturing for about five minutes before she shook her head and returned to her proper class lecture.
"You're such a jerk, James Potter!" Lily said after they were dismissed.
James flashed her a brilliant smile. "I guess I figured since you were full of it, you should be covered in it too."
"Oooh!" She stomped her foot, whisked a coughing curse at him, then stormed off.
Remus and Sirius went to lunch while Peter escorted James to the hospital wing to get the spell removed. Remus just poked at his food, barely paying attention to Sirius's chatter. Lily wasn't in the Great Hall either, probably getting a shower. She'd probably blame him for this too even though he had no idea James intended to do that until he did. He sighed, pushing his plate away. Sirius told him to eat but Remus really wasn't hungry. He felt too sick.
"You didn't eat breakfast," Sirius pointed out. "Here." He dug around in his bag for a bag of caramel cobwebs, giving Remus one of them. "You like sweet stuff, yeah? At least have something." Remus obediently put the lightly spun caramel in his mouth, barely tasting it. "Better? Hungrier now?" He wasn't, but he pulled his plate back and took a bite of potatoes just to shut Sirius up. It tasted thick, rather sawdusty in his mouth (reminding him of the sawdust flavored sugared oranges Dumbledore once accidentally gave him). James and Peter returned, piling food on their plates. Neither of them seemed to notice Remus wasn't eating so at least he didn't have to deal with them.
Lily came in without much time left, crammed a sandwich into her mouth, then took off. Remus grabbed his bag and went after her. Okay, so I just say... Hey Lily we should talk. And then she insults you, probably laughs at you... Urggh. He headed after her towards the stairs however someone grabbed his arm, spinning him around.
Snape. He was glaring at Remus, giving him a look that seemed crossed between disgust and joy. "She doesn't want to talk to you. You better leave her alone."
"It's n--none of your business," Remus snapped back.
"Lily's my friend, it is my business. She doesn't want anything to do with the likes of you, Loopy." He looked rather giddy as he spoke, clearly enjoying this way too much.
A lot of arguments sprang to his mind, none of which he cared to say. Some would be pretty much admitting he overheard their fight about Lily's friendships. Part of him just wanted to hex the stupid Slytherin After a quick internal debate Remus just started walking to the stairs again, quicker now to try to catch up.
"I said leave her alone!" Snape grabbed him once more.
"Let g--go of me!" Remus yanked his arm away easily, a lot stronger than Snape expected. He stumbled a little just from the force Remus used, eyes widening.
He did his best to hide his surprise and discomfort. He really hadn't expected Remus to be so strong which sent a shiver of thrill through Remus's body even though he knew the strength was from the disgusting, vile, evil part of him. "She hates you. She told me."
It was worse than being hit. Remus's stomach churned as he took a step back. She... said he hates me. He had worried about that since the fight, now hearing confirmation just made him want to crawl into a hole. He wished he knew some sort of spell to make himself disappear forever. She hates me. Except...
He saw something in Snape's face. Did she? He frowned, adjusting his satchel. Or is he lying? He wouldn't put it past Snape. "D--does she?" Remus finally asked.
Snape snorted. "Of course. If I find out you've bothered her again, you'll be sorry."
"Well." Remus held himself at full height which was quite a bit shorter than Snape. "Until she s--says that to-to-to my face, I w-won't give up hope we're st--still friends." With that he walked off. Unfortunately most the students were pouring out of the Great Hall now so he wouldn't really have time to talk to Lily; sure enough, she was already in Defense. Since Dedenne glared at him the second he stepped through the door he opted to wait till after class to approach Lily.
Except after class she took off, not even waiting for Colgate or Inkwood. Dedenne asked Sirius to stay behind since he had been caught flicking spitballs at the girls so Remus couldn't really chase after Lily. He wanted to hang out in the hall with James and Peter to wait. However... Colgate and Inkwood weren't running off...
"B--be right back," he said then went over to where they were casually walking off. He couldn't help notice that Colgate still had some of Sirius's spitballs in her curls. "Um--ex--excuse me." They both turned around, eyebrows raised. "Is sh--she... is--is... ummm..." He looked down, toeing the ground. "Is sh--she re-really mad at--at me?"
"Yeahhhh," Colgate drew out, sounding upset. "She's really angry. She told us what you said about Snape in the library."
"Which is pretty true," Inkwood added. Remus looked up at at her, mouth a bit open. "Well it is. He's really rude to us, especially me, when Lily's not around."
Colgate elbowed her. "He's still her friend--"
"Crap friend."
At least someone close to Lily agreed with him. "Um, do-do-do you think she'd--be willing t-to listen to me?" he asked.
Colgate and Inkwood exchanged glances. "We'll talk to her," Colgate finally said. "I can't promise anything though."
"Th--thank you," he whispered then, after informing Colgate about the spitballs, he crept back to James and Peter, ignoring their snickers, their teasing about him talking to more girls. Soon Sirius bounced out of the classroom, seeming quite pleased with himself. He only lost a few points though had a long lecture on respecting women which he couldn't remember much of.
Due to the rain the boys opted to retreat to their dorm. Remus had a difficult time studying due to the whole fight, the fact he could not get Lily out of his head. Maybe I should just give up... He'd have to end things eventually. He had hoped to be friends with her for a long time--most the school time, really--except that was just a castle in the air. He sat back against his bed, watching his three friends dancing around to rock music blaring from James's record player he had brought back after the Easter holidays.
"Ridin' on the third floor of the Knight Bus, baby, coming to see you to be us, baby. Can't wait for you to be in my arms, provin' you're the mistress of chaaaarms!"
Sirius spun around, face flushed and sweaty. "Come on, Remy!"
Remus shook his head, pulling his knees up to his chest. He went back to his History book, the words swimming before him. Maybe I should answer Mum's letter from this mor-- Then he straightened his shoulders, realizing. A letter! Of course! He grabbed for some parchment, using James's scarlet ink to pen the shortish note.
Dear Lily,
Please read everything. I really hope that we can talk about things soon. I know I've upset you with what I said about Snape. I am sorry I hurt you though I did only speak the truth. HE has been immeasurably rude to ME. I have tried in the past to be nice to him. One evening in the library I asked if he wanted to study together which is when he told me he'd rather drink essence of belladonna, called me an idiot, then left. I am sorry that what my friends did upset you however please remember it's probably easier for a Muggle to stop a storm than it is for anyone to stop James & Sirius. I'll try to do better in the future but I doubt it can happen. Just remember Snape's done some awful stuff to me too. I'm not trying to justify my friends' actions just what I said in the library. He has hurt me a lot. When he called me disease-ridden in class and said I belonged in Saint Mungo's it was extremely painful. I wanted to go somewhere to die. But I didn't want you fighting with him because of me. I don't want you to fight with me either. You're my friend, I hope. However if you don't wish to forgive me I understand and will leave you alone. I was told today that you said you hated me and if you do just please let me know and I'll leave you alone. I promise.
Okay maybe not so short.
He carefully folded up the letter, planning on going to the owlery then he froze. I can't, he realized, shoulders slumping. What if he sent the letter and she wanted to talk in the afternoon after their classes? He had to get to the house in Hogsmeade. He didn't want to have a forgiving conversation with her then have to cut it short to leave. He didn't want to rush her. He also didn't want to have a big row with her again before leaving--he was already scared enough of the full moon as it was. I'll send it when I get back, he decided, putting the letter in his desk.
He didn't go to the library. He didn't want another scene. The Marauders were quite pleased that he stayed with them. They wound up spending ages challenging each other to eat gross every flavor bean flavors then James had all of them try on some of his wild shirts. Remus rarely wore bright colors or prints so it was weird to see his reflection in a brilliant purple and blue paisley print (he had hoped to nab the beige with orange paisley print since it was a lot more subdued but he admitted it looked good on Pete).
"Purple looks good on you," Sirius said, thonking his fist lightly against the top of Remus's head.
"You look good in green," Remus said though Sirius was wearing a blue shirt. Sirius narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Green and silver--AAAH!" he yelped with a laugh as Sirius grabbed at him. Sirius began chasing him around the room making quite violent threats against the safety of Remus's vital organs. He easily caught Remus, picking him up and throwing him into James's bed in retaliation while Remus just clutched at his sides, laughing.
"You're so light," Sirius said. "That wasn't difficult at all."
"Let me try," James said.
"Noooo!" Remus squealed as James wrapped his arms around him, pulling him off the bed and holding him. He stopped struggling, not liking being held but not wanting to send them both to the floor.
"Bloody hell, you are light." James set him down.
"Lemme try." Peter came over.
"If you pick me up too I won't heluaaaa!" Peter picked him up, with more effort than the other too.
"Wow!" Pete set him back down. "You are light. Even I could pick you up."
Remus backed away from them, face burning as he brushed himself off. "I hate all of you. Hmph."
James gave a flourishing bow. "My apologies."
"How'd you like it if I just randomly picked you up?!" Remus demanded.
That sent all three of his friends into fits of laughter. "I'd pay a galleon to see you try!" James wheezed.
"No," Sirius argued. "I don't want him to hurt himself."
Remus folded his arms, glowering now. He could pick up all three of them together if he was willing to show off his inhuman strength. Which he couldn't. He didn't even want to show off he could pick up one of them. "You're all--all--plague sores!" he finally settled on.
Then James began trying to lift Peter (doing a semi decently job) while Sirius muttered an apology to Remus who really didn't care that much. He didn't want to say it was only because he felt uncomfortable... scared of... being touched, so he shrugged it off. He couldn't explain the touching thing, how it made him feel. How it both felt so good yet hurt so much at the same time. Part of him really enjoyed it when they touched him, put their arms around him, their hands on his arm, even when they picked him up--wanting to tell them to do more of that. Part of him wanted to shove them away, to make them promise to never do it again, to put a spell around himself to make sure nobody could do that. It made no sense to Remus and he figured it would make negative sense trying to explain.
*
Remus woke up exhausted. The moon pulled at his bones even with the overcast sky. He forced himself into his uniform without even really paying attention, resulting in McGonagall taking a couple points away for untidiness due to his tie being a complete mess, the vest bunched up strange, and the bottom of his button-up shirt sticking out from under his vest instead of being nicely tucked in; his socks also didn't match but McGonagall didn't see that. He forgot to brush his hair too but on the way to Transfiguration Sirius ran his fingers through Remus's hair, smoothing it down as best he could.
In History he actually fell asleep, waking up to find multiple notes from his friends on his desk. Mostly from Sirius, amused that he had gone to sleep in class. Lunch was spent pushing food around, debating whether or not to go to Potions. He wanted to go to sleep again... just go to the house and crawl into bed and sleep until sundown. Except he couldn't, he had to push himself, couldn't let the wolf win.
What did I say last time? he wondered as they headed to the dungeons. Did I say I was sick? Or my mother? He was too tired to remember. He didn't want to use the same excuse again. Technically last time had been over the holidays but the time before that what did he tell them? Oh, who cares, he thought, planning on using his mother as an excuse until after Potions when Sirius said they were going to the hospital wing.
"You look on death's door, Remy," he explained.
Remus shook his head, wanting to argue. James linked his arm through his. "No, you're going. You look similar to the last time you had a relapse. Come on, no arguing."
He pulled Remus along, winding up pulling him past Lily who was talking to Snape. They both looked at him, Snape with a smug look, Lily rather anxious. Remus bowed his head not wanting to see either of them right now, relieved his friends didn't stop to bother them. They marched him to the hospital wing where Pomfrey did diagnostic spells for show then shooed the others out, saying that yes he was flaring up again and he needed to rest. After some time passed she got him outside into the drizzle, going to the Whomping Willow. Remus tried throwing a rock but it fell short. He was just too tired. Pomfrey got the passage open, bidding him goodbye there.
He really hadn't meant to come to the house this early, there were still a few hours before sunset and now he had to deal with being alone with his thoughts. With his anxiety. No distractions except for reading which didn't really work too well, his anxiety was too loud. He paced around for a while then finally stripped off so he could take a nap. He intended to wake up before sunset however he didn't want to risk sleeping till sunset and destroying his clothes. He wrapped the blanket around himself, spending a good ten minutes going over every little thing said between him and Lily over the past couple days until finally he managed to fall asleep.
*
Once morning came, shrinking his body from wolf back to boy, his mind from animal to human, he found himself with... less gore than he expected. There was plenty. He had absolutely shredded the right side of his torso--four long rips, flaps of skin, muscle exposed. There was a deep bite mark on his left ankle, and he had shallow cuts all over. But he could walk. Sorta. Hobble. He could see. That had been what he was afraid of most, clawing out his own eyes again. He limped into the bathroom to clean himself off a bit then used the medical supplies to wrap his ankle. He wasn't sure how to bandage up his side. Finally he slapped some gauze against it then wrapped long white tape sort of stuff around his torso. It slid down a bit, looking like crap. Well. Pomfrey could teach him. He needed to learn anyway.
She came in just as he emerged from the bathroom, wearing only the hospital pajama bottoms. He had started bringing hospital pajamas with him so Pomfrey didn't need to conjure them every single morning. She fixed the bandage on his side then put a cloak around him after he got the pajama top on (slowly, painfully). As he did he noticed a mess in the kitchen.
"H--hold on." He went to the door, blinking, then blushing. He had woken up well before sunset the night before and had made some food for himself. He hadn't finished it all, throwing it out. Apparently the trash didn't just disappear immediately. Now the bin lay on the floor with a large dent in its side, the little bit of rubbish strewn everywhere, the food completely gone. He had... actually... gotten into the trash... as a wolf. His eyes flickered up and he saw two paw prints of dried blood on the side of the sink. Front paws. He must have licked the plate clean.
Animal. He shuddered, returning to Pomfrey, glad she hadn't followed him in. His eyes felt a bit watery though he didn't cry. He just felt humiliated, hoping Fawley wouldn't see this memory.