The deli never looked as menacing as it did when I stopped pedaling and stood to catch my breath outside the corner store. Lights were on inside, though only Spencer's car was parked out front. The tables that sometimes sat out on the sidewalk were nowhere to be seen and I forced myself to move until I was close enough to the glass to look inside the store. No one was sat at the tables, or at the counter, the only moving figure was Spencer lazily running a broom across the floor.
I hopped off the bike and pushed it far enough that I could dump it directly in front of the window and went to the door. Unclipping my helmet I ran a hand through my hair, trying to salvage my appearance somewhat as I walked over to the store's door. Just as my hand touched the handle my phone began vibrating in my pocket. One glance at the caller ID had me step away and dip into the side alley. Kicking my way through overturned cardboard boxes and cigarette butts I knew Spencer left the majority of, I scrambled to answer the call before it could switch over to voicemail.
Pressing my phone to my ear I let out a shaky breath, forcing myself to speak. "You have no idea how happy I am that you called me."
"You dialed me first," Tommo chuckled down the other end. "But I figured it was a pocket dial after you didn't say anything for a solid three minutes. You need to stop leaving your phone unlocked in your pocket, second time this month you've done this to me."
"Sorry, sorry," I laughed, leaning against the back wall nearby some newly thrown out trash bags. This close to the deli I could make out the faint hum of music from inside and it made me smile, pressing harder against the wall almost as if to make sure this moment was real.
"Why're you so happy I called?" Tommo asked, never one to miss anything.
"I'm about to do something really stupid," I mumbled and Tommo groaned, as if he'd already known but was hoping I'd answer with something else. "Like it's really, really, crazy stupid."
"What's Clark roped you into this time?"
"No, nothing like that!" I scoffed, shaking my head. "This is all me for once."
There was a pause down the line, broken when Tommo let out a hard sigh, asking cautiously, "I'm not going to be legally liable in whatever you're about to pull, am I?"
"No, nothing illegal is going to happen," I smiled, tipping my head up enough to make out the sky. No stars were out but the moon hung low, a full beam of light settled into the dark backdrop of the night.
"Is whatever you're gonna do worth it, or should I be asking for your location so I can pick you up before you make an ass of yourself?" Tommo asked and I could picture him, one foot already out the door ready to swoop in and save my ass.
"It's worth it. Scary, but worth it," I promised and Tommo hummed, suspicion lining the flat note.
"Is this to do with a certain somebody?" Tommo hinted, voice crinkling around a smile I knew was growing on his face.
"I gotta go," I said, ending the call just in time to hear him laugh down the line.
Pressing tighter to the wall I took a deep breath, closing my eyes as I gathered myself. I was going to do this. I was going to tell Spencer how I felt about him.
"I can do this," I asserted, then blushed when I realized I was talking to myself. Not a good look.
It took a couple tries for me to get my phone into my pocket, hands shaking, then I was walking back to the front door. Side-stepping April's bike I shouldered the glass door open, startling at the loud chime of the bell hanging above me. Before I could collect myself, Spencer's head shot up from behind the counter, a giant plastic-wrapped hunk of prosciutto in his hand. Some kind of Pavlovian response in him kicked in as a warm yet reserved smile spread across his face, not even fully looking my way as his lips parted to say whatever rehearsed spiel they'd taught him to tell customers at closing.
"Evening. Sorry to inform you but we are, in fact, closed for the night." He'd gotten out the autopilot response ending just as he realized who he was talking to.
"Beau?" Spencer said, surprised as he leaned a hip against the countertop, almost knocking over the giant container behind him in the process. Cursing softly, he righted the box, a smugness pulling at his lips when he redirected his attention back at me. "I would be lying if I said I wasn't concerned that a closed deli is where you choose to spend your Saturday nights."
Letting the door go I barely registered it clicking shut behind me, feet rooted to the ground. I took in Spencer's grease-stained white shirt, the clear plastic gloves glued to his hands, and crooked glasses and, in that moment, I swore he had never looked better.
And it terrified me.
"Would you be less concerned if I said the company made it worth it?" I asked, moving until I was close enough to the cash register to drop my hands either side of it, less than a foot from Spencer. My hands were sweaty, condensation spilling around my fingers and meeting Spencer's eyes was a lot harder than I expected it to be. I was trying for our usual banter but fell short given the shaky tone my voice adopted. Immediately, Spencer's face fell into a concerned look, eyes roaming across my face as if trying to decipher whatever emotion was running wild there.
"What's wrong?"
I opened my mouth, expecting words to come out but instead, nothing happened. Spencer's face alternated between amused and worried, shuffling a little closer to me until my hand suddenly darted out, planting itself on his chest. Both of us startled at the move, Spencer glancing down but I kept my eyes firmly trained on his face. On the quirk of his lips, the sweep of his eyelashes that I never noticed before, the scar, so faded, under his right eye.
"How'd you get this?" I barely had a chance to brush my thumb across the scar as Spencer's gloved hand darted out and grasped my own.
"Ran into the edge of a coffee table when I was a kid," He murmured, tipping his chin to refocus my attention. "Beau, what's going on?"
He was still holding my hand. My other one stayed pressed to his chest, fingers twitching in time to the beats of his heart that remained remarkably steady. Without wanting them to, my eyes fell shut and I felt my brain finally stop churning. All my anxiety and fear faded away and all I could hear were Spencer's offbeat exhales, and then I was gripping his shirt tighter, pulling him towards me, into me, until our chests were lined up and his mouth was right there, against my own, and so perfect that it took me a second to actually kiss the guy properly.
But then we were, his mouth fluid against my own. I drew him even closer, the back of the cash register digging into my ribs but I didn't care. If this didn't convince Spencer of how I felt about him, then there was nothing more that I could do. I twisted my face slightly to the right and our movements became smoother, Spencer letting go of my hand to grab under my chin and force me to match his speed. Each pass made something in my gut churn, but in a good way. A way I'd never truly felt before. For a minute I wondered if it was just the lack of oxygen that was making the entire experience feel so surreal.
It was the sound of thudding meat that brought me back to my senses, noting that Spencer had dropped the leg he was holding onto the deli floor.
"Shit, sorry," I scrambled back, passing a hand over my mouth both in shock and hope that this wasn't all a fever dream. That I hadn't brained myself on the pavement the moment I left the house and this was what my subconscious was dreaming of right when I slipped into a coma forever.
Spencer made no move to pick up the prosciutto, seeming to be stuck in place, mouth slightly hung open.
I swallowed hard when a silence fell between us, no longer sustained by our heavy breathing.
"Was that okay?"
"No," he said automatically and my heart dropped fifty feet, landing in a bloody puddle right in the pits of Hell. Spencer shook his head, seeming to come back to himself as he quickly snapped out, "No, fuck, I meant yes. Yes, that was okay. More than okay. Beau, that was... Yeah, it was okay. I just, need a second. Gimme a second here."
Nodding I stepped back as Spencer collapsed back on the counter, the plastic container lining itself against his spine as he did so. Gripping it tightly, he stared at the floor with a dent in between his brows that made me increasingly nervous.
"What was that for?" He asked and I gaped at the guy.
"For someone so smart you're pretty thick sometimes," I shook my head and Spencer's eyebrows relaxed a fraction.
"All I heard from that was you calling me pretty," He smirked, but it was more reserved than usual. The gears in his head still churning and I didn't know if it was in a good way or not.
"I like you, Spencer," I said, point-blank, trying to act as though my heart hadn't just fallen out my ass. In some recess of my mind, I swore I could hear Iris' squealing and a small smile dragged itself across my face. "That's what that was for. I like you, idiot."
Spencer fell back into silence, rubbing a hand along the base of his neck as he squinted up at the ceiling. He didn't say anything back and I couldn't think of any more to add to that. I had just put my heart out on the line and Spencer was busy trying to mentally recall his grocery list.
"I didn't just ruin everything, did I?" I asked when the quiet had become too much, and fuck there was that anxiety again. I glanced at the clock on the wall in the hopes of regarding my composure only to find we had been standing in silence for eight minutes.
"Fuck, no," Spencer said, voice wrecked in honesty and it scared me a little at how pained the words came out. His eyes finally lowered enough to match mine, the grey spiraled in blue that had my breath catch a little, wondering what he saw in my eyes staring back at him.
I started when he moved to stand directly in front of me, running a hand through his hair as he sighed. My eyes drifted to his mouth impulsively, a spark fizzing its way down my spine at how red they looked, matching the tint of his cheeks. Spencer's hands hit the counter hard, locking either side of the register and I jumped at the abruptness of the action.
"You complicate everything, you know that," He said, well more like whispered, so softly I would've missed it if we weren't literally toe to toe.
"I'm sorry," I said and my voice sounded too loud for such an intimate moment, so I dropped it lower, apologizing again. The words were thick, a little bitter in the back of my throat, but I pushed them out. Spencer smiled, running a thumb along my jaw in a move neither of us seemed to expect and that I couldn't stop myself from leaning into. I tried not to curl my nose at the smell of ham which wafted from him, not willing to break the moment by asking him to rip his gloves off and into the trash.
"Stop apologizing. It'll drive me crazy if I hear you say sorry one more time," He said, eyes roaming past my shoulder as he seemed to get lost in thought again. A ghostly expression crossed over his face, bleeding back into nothing so quickly I couldn't help but frown.
"I... Spencer–" I cut myself off when no more words wanted to follow. Whatever fumes had been fueling me into Spencer's arms after talking to Iris had completely died out and now I was running on nothing but empty and a whole lot of conflicting emotions. Glad I finally kissed Spencer, glad he kissed me back and finally knew how I felt about him. Scared what would happen, scared of what was happening, now that we were leaving the bubble that was this moment.
"I think you should go, Beau," He said and I felt my entire face dropped as far down my chest as my heart had. Still thumbing my jaw, Spencer continued, voice fractured and unsure but still strong enough to speak, "I'm not banishing you from my presence, stop looking at me like that. I'm just asking you for a little time."
"Okay," I said and god did the words taste as bitter as they sounded coming out my mouth. Spencer caught it and frowned, digging his thumb into the side of my jaw as he let out a soft breath that I had to stop myself from following with my own lips.
Jesus.
My head was still spinning so fast, overrun by so many conflicting emotions, that I almost missed Spencer's next words.
"I just need a little time. This is all, I don't want to say new to me, but it is, Beau. I just need a minute to get my head straight– to figure out my thoughts. But don't think I won't be thinking about that kiss the entire time, because I will be," He promised, a cheeky grin pulling on his lips that I found myself mirroring. My hands clenched into fists though when he leaned in to kiss my cheek. It felt like a slap in the face and pure relief at the same time.
"I'll text you, okay," Spencer said as he took a step back, eyes flickering to the meat on the floor then the trashcan in the corner.
"Okay," I nodded, sliding my hands into the front pocket of my hoodie, gripping my phone tightly. The metal was cold, painfully so as I wrapped my warmed fingers around it.
"I'll catch you later, okay, Beau. Have a good night." Spencer said, an echo of the goodbye he gave me the night he drove me home from Lake Father. I looked down at my shoes, the worn laces that had turned grey from overuse, and chuckled to myself.
"Night, Spencer," I whispered, taking a slow step back, then another, and another, until I cleared half the deli, turning my back on Spencer and exiting the store.
It took more effort than I appreciated to make myself keep walking, April's bike rattling at my side with every dip in the pavement. I kept my head to the ground, watching the shadows stretch around me in fragmented patterns, acting out stories only they understood but I had the pleasure of watching as I forced myself not wallow. The night hadn't been a complete bust. Spencer just needed time, and I could give him time. This was a good thing.
I kept that mantra running through my head up until I had made it to our porch steps. Jenny sat on the top step, phone pressed to her ear as she furiously scribbled on a piece of paper. She glanced up when I stopped in front of her, a toothy grin spreading on her face as she wriggled herself to her feet and unlocked the front door for me.
I accepted a kiss on the head from her, giving her a quick side hug as she went back to answering whoever she was on the phone with. Unbuckling my helmet I hug it up, shaking out my hair as I cut through the kitchen. Clicking on the light I dumped April's bike directly outside the door, leaving a mental note to put it back in the garage tomorrow. The rest of the house was dead even though it was barely past ten in the evening. Both Thomas and April's doors were shut firmly, my own barely open. I took in Flemming's prone form on his bed, gathering up my pajamas and heading into the bathroom for a shower.
When I got back to my room Flemming had moved, now having become nothing more than a lump on his bed under hoards of blankets. I shut off the remaining lights in the room and rolled onto my back in bed, sliding my phone under my pillow, not willing to move and place it on the nightstand.
"Hey, Flemming?" I asked, after a good hour of staring up at the darkness of my ceiling.
Across the room, there was the shifting of sheets and grunt of acknowledgment.
"What do you want now, Beau?" Flemming groaned, sticking his head out far enough to glare at me I was sure.
"I'm gay."
There was a beat of silence then Flemming groaned again, throwing a pillow my way, huffing as he bunched his sheets up and threw them back over his head.
"Great. Now some of us are trying to sleep, not have an unneeded heart-to-heart moment over something well known. Goodnight, Beau," he sniped under all the fabric and I rolled over to face the wall, fighting back a smile at the lightness that filled my chest at his words, chuckling.
"I'll leave you alone Flemming. Night –"
"Oh, my god, Beau! Honestly, shut up," Flemming yelled, resulting in a thump against the adjoining wall to April's bedroom.
I shut my eyes tightly, whispering an apology that earned me another hissed groan.