Soon Young waited for the all-clear from the staff before guiding me onto the dark and empty stage. I falter for a moment as we step out and onto the expanse that, less than an hour ago, was full of the love Seventeen has for their Carats. The fading heat from the stage lights still lingers in the air, along with the feeling of ecstasy the fans left behind.
"Wow," I say as he leads us to the edge of the stage. I sit down next to him, my hand trailing across the smooth black wood of the transportable stage. "So this is what it feels like to be in front of thousands of people, huh?"
My eyes scan the rows upon rows of empty seats, the lights over them flaring on as the stage crew begins scurrying about, clearing the chairs and barriers of the floor area. To imagine thousands of peoples' eyes resting on you as they watch for the smallest mistake in your performance. As you stand on this stage and listen to people who don't even speak the same language as you sing their hearts out. Goosebumps run along my limbs, a reminder of the miracle of a concert I had just experienced myself.
Soon Young laughs, shaking his damp hair around as flush rises in his cheeks. "There's no better feeling than performing in front of a crowd of thousands of excited fans. No matter where we are in the world, we always feel the love of Carats and that is something I will be forever grateful for."
I shift my weight, resting back in my hands behind me. I think I understand now why so many people are in love with this magnetic k-pop group. All of these men are unfairly attractive, deeply talented in their singing and dancing abilities, and it's clear that they adore their fans as much as their fans adore them. Although I wouldn't consider myself to be a Carat at this point, I can deeply appreciate the pure joy they shared with their fans. There is no doubt in my mind that Soon Young was meant to be a k-pop idol.
But, I can't help but feel jealous about that truth. To imagine knowing exactly what I am meant to be and do in my life—to have that certainty, to know my own path... That's all I've ever wanted. And maybe, just maybe, it's time that I chase after it.
Soon Young bumps his shoulder into mine as he takes a swing from his water bottle. I glance at him, trying not to stare as his Adam's apple bobs with the swallowing motion. "What are you thinking about?"
My teeth worry at my lower lip.
"Be honest, Zara. What are you thinking about? You have your thinking face on and after spending two days in a car with you, I know that means you're worrying about something."
Warmth blossoms in my chest. At the start of all this mayhem, I wouldn't have pegged Soon Young as being the observant, calm type. And, yet, here we are. It was amazing how Soon Young, in many ways, seems to know me better than I know myself.
"I'm jealous of you," I blurt out, the need to talk to someone outweighs my reservations about keeping things private and to myself.
I lightly push against Soon Young's chest as a satisfied smirk graces his lips. "Jealous of me? Why?"
I wave my hands around, motioning to the space around us. "Besides being able to look forward to this as your job? To have the confidence in knowing what you wanted to do and pursuing that dream. To still be confident in yourself and all of the love that Seventeen has to share with the world. To be confident in who you are." I lean forward, setting my hands in my lap and twisting them around nervously. "I don't know who I am or what I'm supposed to do with my life."
"Hey," he said softly, grabbing one of my hands and pulling it into his own lap. "Don't do that. Don't doubt yourself. What was it that you told me a few hours ago, that not enough people say 'yes'?"
""I want to be a 'yes' person when I can.'" I quote softly.
Soon Young squeezes my hand, his thumb swiping across the back of it, leaving a warm wake in its absence. "Then stop hesitating and do that. Say 'yes' more often. Don't hold yourself back."
That's easier said than done. But I don't dare speak those doubtful words and sink back into the pessimistic habits that have gotten me to this point in my life. A useless degree in journalism. Part-time jobs that come and go faster than you can say "I'm hired!" I've always moved through the motions of life, but have always been too afraid to stop and think about what I want.
What do I want?
"Zara, look at me."
I glance over at him, meeting his earnest, honest gaze. He doesn't show even a lick of exhaustion after spending nearly three hours on stage. If anything, he looks more awake now than ever before.
"Can't you see where 'yes' got you this time? A cross-country adventure with a lost k-pop idol? Free tickets to a concert? Backstage and on stage access with me? What twenty-something-year-old is able to say that?"
I huff, exasperated for him to be so right. "No one else."
He grins, the excitement eating up his face. "Exactly. And was it so hard to say 'yes' to an adventure with me?"
I frown, my pride not wanting to admit to how much I had enjoyed the last few days. Even if my body was exhausted from all of the driving and emotions that I had run through, there was no denying that it was the most comforting fun I have had in a long time. And it has been, arguably, too long since I last made a friend.
"Well...?" Soon Young prodded, squeezing my hand gently.
His adorable support won me over—at least, that's what I'll keep telling myself as I think back on this memory for years to come.
"Fine, yes," I laugh. "It wasn't hard to say 'yes' to you."
Soon Young's laughter blends with my own, catching the attention of a few harried looking staff members nearby. "That was the most disgruntled confession I've ever heard, Zara."
I squeezed his hand. "And it's the only one you're ever going to get out of me."
Soon Young opens his mouth to speak again, only to be cut off by an unfamiliar voice calling from behind us. "Hoshi! It's time to go!"
He drops my hand as if touching me had scalded him, and I quickly turn to see who is speaking to him from the stage's wings. It's another member of Seventeen, who's dressed casually in an oversized t-shirt and a pair of dark washed jeans. His hair, much like Soon Young's, hangs damply around his face, framing it softly.
"Shua, I'll be there in a second!" Soon Young calls back indifferently as he slowly rises to his feet and reaches down to help me do the same.
We step our way toward the backstage area, our feet fighting against our wills as we make our way ever closer to saying goodbye. The concrete hallways snaking behind the stage seem both endless and not long enough. We dodge staff members lugging around suitcases that I can only imagine are bursting with costumes, makeup, and hair styling supplies.
I stop us a few feet from the stage door, my hand resting lightly on Soon Young's arm. "Well, I guess this is goodbye."
I'm surprised by the sad tones of Soon Young's smile as he stares at me. Without saying a word, he grabs the hand that is resting on his forearm as he pulls me against him. His chin comes to rest on my shoulder as I hesitantly raise my arms to wrap them around his torso.
"Don't be a stranger, okay? Even if I'm halfway across the world, I am still someone you can talk to," he whispers in my ear, his breath warm against my neck.
All I can do is nod as I force back the tears threatening at the corners of my eyes. "I will."
He squeezes me tightly against his chest before letting me go, his hands rising to cup my shoulders as he stares into my eyes seriously. "Get home safe, okay?"
"I will," I reply.
With a deep, soul-wrenching breath I turn toward the black stage door. It glides open all too easily beneath my hand as I leave the building. The chill nighttime air of Texas greets me as I finally allow a few bittersweet tears to escape my eyes. I thought I would be okay when this crazy adventure was said and done. I thought I would return to my normal life and disappointing future. I wasn't expecting to feel like a piece of myself was being left behind, carefully cradled by Soon Young's hands. But now the question is: Who am I going to become without that sad, small piece of myself?
I walk out to my red car, to the vehicle that somehow managed to change my life across a matter of days. My keys spin around my finger as I jingle them around, my phone weighing heavy in the back pocket of my jeans as I cross the parking lot. The property around the venue is still alive with that post-concert bliss, with fans pushing toward the metal barricades that separate the staff lot from the greater property. The fans seem disappointed as my lone form crosses the parking lot without Seventeen in sight.
My phone chirps with the familiar sound of "KAKAO!" I smile to myself; Soon Young must have turned on the sound before giving my phone back to me. I open the door to my car and lean against it, my phone warm in my hand. The bright blue chat screen greets me as my eyes land on the yellow text waiting there.
"You're going to be great out there."
And you know what? I think he might just be right.
*****
A/N: And that's a wrap on this fanfiction! It has been such an honor to explore Zara's journey with Hoshi (Soon Young) by her side. Although it may have taken me longer than I expected to write this story, I am so glad that I did. As always, stay safe and healthy everyone!