THE FIRST SIN; LUST
Sure enough, Momo appeared, wearing those shorts that were just that little bit too short and her beautiful hair tied back perfectly like always. And the smile. That smile was beginning to have an effect on Dahyun.
Dahyun started the conversation today, determined to get an answer and an eventual apology.
"What was it that you did to me yesterday?" Dahyun knew what it was. But her mind still needed the clarification. "Why did you do it? In a library of all places!" She kept her voice down, trying not to attract the attention of the very few students that remained in at this time in the afternoon.
Momo's expression changed. The corner of her mouth lifted up. Her eyebrows sunk slightly. She reached forward and cupped Dahyun's cheek. The pressure between Dahyun's legs had not gone away since yesterday. Momo's touch just made it worse. She forced her own hand to remain hanging at her side. Not allowing it to reach up and touch Momo's hand.
"Do you want to know, Dahyun-ah?"
Dahyun didn't know what the heck she was doing. She didn't understand the sudden desperation she had for Momo to touch her again. What she really wanted was an apology. A "Sorry Dahyun-ah. I shouldn't have touched you when you didn't want me to." Or something.
"Do you want me to touch you?" She whispered. The hand that wasn't caressing her cheek lingered on the waist band of her jeans. In that moment, Dahyun wondered who Hirai Momo was. She wondered who she herself was. She still didn't know how old she was... who her friends were... what her favourite foods were... what music she liked...
But who was Dahyun? The girl standing still and letting someone... a girl, touch her like that?
"I'll take you right here." She murmured, leaning down and kissing her beneath her jaw. Dahyun could smell her hair. A sweet clean smell. It was suddenly her favourite. A sound that Dahyun didn't want to make... a sound she didn't know she could make, slipped out of her mouth.
"Such a pretty voice." Momo murmured into her ear. "But you have to be quiet. This is a library."
What the... Dahyun broke from her trance. She took a step back. Her head was reeling. What was she doing? What was this feeling... the thoughts in her head... her mind wandering to the outline of Momo's chest or down the gentle curve of her hips? The smell of her clouding out everything... This was wrong. She knew that. She'd been told countless times. She told herself countless more.
She knew, but it was like she was seeing Hirai Momo for the first time. It was like she was forgetting God, forgetting what her kindergarten teachers and everyone else at her church had told her all those years ago.
Girls are not for kissing, Kim Dahyun.
She wasn't herself.
"No." Dahyun said, more to herself than to Momo who remained in place. That dangerous smile did not waver. Dahyun clenched her fists and gritted her teeth. "No?" She repeated. Momo chuckled at her tone.
"I'm not forcing you." She spoke softly. "But I will make you mine Kim Dahyun. Eventually."
"That's contradictory." Dahyun growled. She was so angry at herself and at Momo. Her eyes scanned the faces of the students in the library once again. Nobody was looking.
"You want me to touch you. I can see it in your eyes." Momo wasn't making any moves toward her, but Dahyun felt cornered all the same.
Because she found that she did want Momo to touch her. She wanted to be hers. She wanted to feel like how she did yesterday when Momo's fingers had moved just that little bit too far.
"So, what if I do?" She asked, stupidly, her face was immediately flushed with red.
What was she thinking? What was happening? Couldn't she think before she speaks?
Momo stepped forward and Dahyun found herself meeting her halfway, unintentionally taking one of Momo's hands in her own and pulling it down to rest on the button of her jeans. Momo looked surprised, but only for a second.
"Good girl." She said, taking Dahyun by the waist and pulling her behind a shelf where nobody would see. "You're mine."
Dahyun let Momo unravel her.
This was only curiosity. Right?
This wasn't something bad. People Dahyun's age did these things all the time. Right?
But Dahyun didn't do things like this. Ever.
Maybe everyone heard Dahyun's voice that day. Maybe nobody did.
But all of a sudden, Dahyun didn't care.
THE SECOND SIN; GLUTTONY
The more and more that Dahyun thought about Momo, the more and more she needed her. She needed her in a way that didn't quite make sense just yet, but she was beginning to understand when Momo kissed her harshly in the practice room on a Thursday afternoon.
Dahyun had never kissed anyone before. Never ever (not counting her earliest memories from kindergarten). But if she had known that kisses were so soft and hard at the same time with the taste of Hirai Momo's lip gloss and her tongue forcing its way into her mouth and the smell of her hair intoxicating her, she would have had her first kiss long ago.
Her hands were allowed to touch Momo wherever she wanted.
Momo had told her she could.
Her hands were allowed to venture up her t-shit and across her toned stomach. Her hands were allowed to pull down the straps of Momo's bra. Her hands were allowed to explore the softness of her breasts. Dahyun had never felt skin softer or smoother than Momo's. And the sounds that came out of her mouth... the sounds that trailed from Momo's lips to Dahyun's ears like a drip of honey were the most beautiful music that she had ever heard.
Dahyun couldn't get enough.
Dahyun forgot who she was when she was with Momo.
Clothes suddenly became a hinderance.
"Lift your arms for me." Momo's voice... Dahyun was addicted to the sound of it. She would do anything that voice told her to. So, she lifted her arms and her shirt was tossed aside. Dahyun didn't think anymore. She just moved. Moved to the rhythm that Momo set for her.
Momo paused to look. Her eyes burned into Dahyun's skin.
"Gorgeous." Nobody had ever called Dahyun gorgeous. It made her stomach feel funny and for the first time, she wanted someone to look at her body. To praise it. Momo's eyes didn't look at her the way some of the boys she had tried to date had. Momo's eyes seemed to kiss every inch of Dahyun's skin. To draw her name all over her with her gaze. This was different.
Momo hooked her fingers on the strap of Dahyun's bra and leaned in, kissing the top of her chest. Dahyun's legs were weak. Momo shoved her up against the keyboard, sucking on her neck. Kissing her again as she removed her bra.
"I'm going to take you again." Momo muttered between wet kisses all over Dahyun's mouth and breasts.
That's when Dahyun stopped her, pushing her shoulders back and glaring, her chest heaving.
"No." She pushed her backward again, Momo's eyes widening. "I'm going to take you."
Dahyun didn't know what she was doing, but as long as Momo's voice was singing out like that, she knew it was right.
She didn't let Momo go until she had tasted her. Even then, she wouldn't.
She didn't remember how many times Momo had cried out and screamed her name. She didn't remember anything. All she knew was the taste of her.
It was good.
She never got enough.
THE THIRD SIN; GREED
"Where are you going Dahyun?" Jihyo asked as Dahyun suddenly closed her sheet music and shoved it into her bag. "We still have ten minutes left!"
Ten minutes is too long.
"I have to go." Was all she offered as a response, leaving swiftly through the glass doors and running into the arms of her Momo. Dahyun didn't know what to call her. She didn't know a thing about her, so she couldn't call her a friend. Dahyun would sooner drop out of school than admit she had a girlfriend, so that wasn't it either. So, in her mind, she just settled with My Momo.
Her rationality told her she was stupid. Her heart told her she was wise.
She didn't realise that there were stares on her back as she was enveloped into Momo's embrace. She had been waiting for her. Her hugs were almost as amazing as her kisses and her fingers when they curled inside her. It felt like she was made to be there, held by Momo.
Her rationality told her she was making a mistake.
Her conscience told her she was never made for Momo. She was made for God in heaven.
Her heart sung out Momo's name and drowned them out.
"I want you." Dahyun cried desperately, causing Momo to chuckle.
"You're adorable." Her hand cupped her cheek. Something strange passed in and out of Momo's expression, though Dahyun didn't pay much attention. The pressure in between her legs was too much. It was all she could think about these days. Momo and the relief she would receive with her touch. "I'm not going to do you here."
Her lips found Dahyun's and it was almost too much for Dahyun to bare when she pulled away.
"Let's go to the bathroom."
***
It was the fourth time this week that Dahyun was disappearing, not showing up or leaving early from practice. Jihyo and Chaeyoung and their other bandmates would look on in horror as she met Hirai Momo outside.
Dahyun had changed. Dramatically. She had always been the one against sex before marriage. She was always against homosexuality. Now, Jihyo couldn't recognise her best friend. Here she was, having premarital sex with a woman. Hypocritical. And Dahyun hated hypocrites. She was never in the chapel. She barely talked with them. It was like her whole world... all of its meaning had suddenly become translated to mean Hirai Momo. It was as if nothing else mattered to her.
Rumours were flying around the university. Stories of oral in the library, making out in bathroom stalls, fucking inside a lecture hall. It had been more than a week. And within that short span of time, Dahyun's name was suddenly known throughout the school. Simply because Hirai Momo could be heard screaming her name from the rooftop.
Jihyo was worried. And Jeongyeon and Chaeyoung had long since abandoned their laughs and jokes about their nun friend dating a sex addict. As much as all three of them despised Dahyun's overtly religious outlook on life and her views on homosexuality, they missed them. They missed Dahyun telling them to shut up when they wanted to say 'fuck'. They missed her trying to convince them to follow her to the chapel after class. They wished she would run up to them and rant about why being gay was wrong and a sin.
But, Dahyun wasn't like that anymore.
Hirai Momo wasn't good for her.
They had to get rid of her.
"I'm scared." Chaeyoung spoke. Her hand was intertwined with Jeongyeon's as they walked with Jihyo across the courtyard to the sports block. They had found out from word of mouth that Momo took a dance major. Now they were on their way to stop her from corrupting their best friend. It was funny to say it like that since Dahyun had always thought they that were the corrupted ones with relaxed views. "I'm really worried about her."
Neither Jihyo nor Jeongyeon needed to respond, because they were both in agreement.
The group soon stood outside the dance studio, each with their bodies tensed and ready.
"I'm not opening it." Chaeyoung said, pushing her body behind Jeongyeon's. Jihyo rolled her eyes.
"I will." She pushed the door inward.
Their ears were immediately assaulted with lewd noises floating from the back of the room.
"I'm out." Chaeyoung let go of Jeongyeon and bolted away, but her girlfriend and Jihyo stayed, trying to block out the horrific noises.
"DAHYUN?" Jeongyeon yelled unexpectedly. There was an immediate silence. "DHAYUN IS THAT YOU?" She called again.
After a few more seconds, someone appeared from a door to their left. It wasn't Dahyun. It was Momo. Her hair was messy, her cheeks were flushed, her neck was red with a trail of bruises that both Jeongyeon and Jihyo knew Dahyun had made. She looked as though she had just thrown on whatever clothes she had within the vicinity. She was wearing Dahyun's shirt. The one that said, "Trust in God, your saving grace."
"What do you want?" Her voice was deep and dark.
"We want you to leave Dahyun alone. For good. This isn't like her at all." Jihyo spoke. Her fists were clenched at her sides and her eyes flicked to the door that Momo had emerged from nervously as if waiting for Dahyun to appear.
"She wants to be with me." Momo replied. She shifted on her feet. Was she... nervous? Jihyo looked at her suspiciously, wondering if her body language was really how she felt on the inside. Her voice was certainly murderous, but who knew what her intentions were?
"No, she doesn't you bitch. You're just going to throw her away like you do with every other one of your flings. Dahyun doesn't deserve that."
Momo raised her brows.
"Who said I'm going to throw her away?"
"YOU KNOW YOU WILL." Jeongyeon cried. "LEAVE HER ALONE, OR I'LL KILL YOU."
Jihyo, shocked at Jeongyeon's claim, nudged her with her elbow.
"I'm serious Hirai. I'll kill you. Just like you've wanted all this time."
Momo's expression remained neutral. She looked into Jihyo and Jeongyeon's eyes in turn. Something different seemed to come over her disposition. Jihyo wondered what that look meant.
"Give her back." Jeongyeon glared.
THE FOURTH SIN; ENVY
It wasn't funny to watch Hirai Momo break up with her latest fling. Jeongyeon and Chaeyoung couldn't crack a single joke as they watched their best friend's face crumple into tears.
They couldn't hear the conversation, but the body language was clear as day. Momo's posture was composed, her expression neutral apart from an occasional frown that Jeongyeon and Chaeyoung perceived as hatred or anger. Jihyo saw it differently... though she couldn't place exactly what emotions that Momo might be feeling.
Dahyun on the other hand, was easier to read. She desperately grasped at Momo's hands, tried to reach to cup her face, grasped chunks of her own hair in her fists. Tears poured down her cheeks. Her face was melted into a permanent look of despair.
Until Momo walked away. Just like she had done to every other one of her flings.
Dahyun sunk to her knees and broke.
Her friends rushed up to her, surrounding her with a hug that she accepted reluctantly.
Momo was gone.
"She c-can't leave me like this!" Dahyun cried. "This isn't fair!" Her voice was like nothing Jeongyeon, Chaeyoung or Jihyo had ever known. A desperate cry for help. Her hands gripped onto Chaeyoung's shoulders like she was a lifeline. She didn't see what was in front of her. Only Momo, walking further and further away.
Jihyo wondered if they ever should have interfered.
***
Dahyun had returned to her normal behaviour soon after her... break up? Jihyo didn't know what she should call it because every time they had asked her about Momo, she had denied being in a relationship with her.
"I don't agree with that sort of relationship." She had said. "To me, that's a sin." But she did it anyway.
After Momo had left her in a puddle of tears, Dahyun had collected herself in a matter of days, quicker than Jihyo had thought, and returned to her daily chapel visits, normal practice schedules and stayed far away from the library and the Sports block. Jihyo was optimistic about her recovery from the emotional bit, but she was still worried. There was always something odd in Dahyun's eyes. Something she couldn't place.
***
Dahyun knelt in the chapel, looking at the cross above the tabernacle. She had said that she was sorry. A million times, but never had the courage to take the step and walk into the confessional. To say her sins out loud. Because she surely had sinned, and it was eating her up from the inside out.
She had looked at Momo's body, she had slept with her countless times, she had tasted her, she had worshiped her, she was another woman. And she craved Momo's touch, even now, as she knelt in front of God himself. She felt dirty. Caked in a theoretical mud made from the dreadful sins she committed. But that wasn't the only issue.
She wanted to drown in that mud. Sin and sin and sin again. Let Momo take her away from God and use her until she was dead. Drown and die and go to hell as long as Momo could touch her again.
"So, you're a Catholic?" Momo asked her, tracing something on Dahyun's naked stomach as they lay on the floor of the dance studio. It was kind of uncomfortable on the wooden floor, but as long as Momo had her hands on Dahyun's skin, she didn't care.
Dahyun hummed in response, all her attention focused on Momo's hand as it moved higher to cup her breast.
"Isn't this... I don't know... wrong?"
"What do you mean?" Dahyun turned to look at her Momo. Her eyes were glistening slightly in the dim light of the room. Her hair was plastered to her face and her cheeks were rosy. She was so beautiful, though, Dahyun would never tell her that.
Momo's hands moved again, up and up until she rested her hand against Dahyun's cheek.
"Aren't Catholics the religion who hate gay people and sex before marriage and all that? Isn't this... sin?'
Dahyun's heart raced.
"Well, no." She was thinking of excuses. Like the hypocrite she was. "I'm not gay. And sex should be between a man and a woman. Right?" She was talking to herself. Not Momo. "So, this doesn't count. And besides," Momo pulled her hand away from Dahyun's cheek and sat up. "I can just go and confess this later and all will be forgiven."
Momo wiped something from her eye and reached over to the left of her body to grab her underwear.
"So, none of this means anything to you?" She asked nonchalantly. She pulled on her bra and underpants before standing up to gather the rest of the clothes they had scattered across the room. "Just something you're doing for the thrill of sinning?"
Dahyun didn't really know how to answer that.
She still didn't.
After making a half-hearted sign of the cross, Dahyun left the chapel, her thoughts still on Momo's body as she made her way to the music room.
"I'll kill myself if you don't go out with me!" The familiar voice caused Dahyun's vision to tunnel. Turning her head up, her eyes seemed to zoom in onto Momo's face. It was streaked with tears, her bottom lip trembling. Dahyun wanted to run to her in an instant and wipe the tears and kiss her cheeks until they all stopped, until she saw who was next to her.
"Don't be a dumb bitch Hirai." The woman standing beside Momo, a beautiful girl with bunny teeth, took her arm and jerked her back. Dahyun realised that they were on top of a building. On the roof. This was just like that day with Heechul. Momo, throwing her life away for some stupid dates and the sex that came along with it.
This was the same as that day, except for the burning inside Dahyun's stomach.
"I'll give you one date you useless, fuck." The woman said, her voice angry and firm, but her eyes showing the real fear. The fear that Momo would actually jump if she ever said no.
Dahyun wanted Momo to push her off instead.
"Hold on." Dahyun said to herself, watching the pair walk back from the edge, Momo's tears long gone and the other woman's hand still gripping her upper arm.
What the hell am I thinking?
THE FIFTH SIN; WRATH
"You're so pretty, Dahyun. Don't let anyone hurt this body." Her tongue was everywhere. It made Dahyun want to scream. "Don't let anyone ever make a mark on your skin." Momo was marking her. Momo was using her teeth and her mouth and making a pattern of bruises all over her. "You deserve to have the world at your feet."
Dahyun is sure that Momo must be in pain due to how hard her hands were squeezing fistfuls of her hair as her head lowered between her legs.
"You're my God Dahyun." She said before her tongue caused Dahyun's thoughts to leave her head entirely.
Dahyun was angry. She wanted to punch a wall or hurt herself.
She found her own legs walking toward Momo and her mystery woman on their own accord.
She wanted to hurt Momo the way Momo had hurt her. She wanted Momo to feel though physical pain the way her emotions were screwing with her head right now. She wanted to grab her by the neck and strangle her until she apologised for something she didn't do.
But when she was within a metre from her, the woman beside her glanced over and nudged Momo under the table they were sitting at.
"Dahyunie?" Momo's voice was quiet. Dahyun's fists that were once clenched together, suddenly lost their strength. "Are you alright?" Her eyes were just like she remembered.
Momo wouldn't close her eyes even when they were kissing. When Dahyun had asked her why, she had replied with something that made her laugh.
"I want to look at you."
"What? Is that some sort of kink?" Dahyun wrapped her arms around Momo's neck, pulling her impossibly close without their lips touching.
"Maybe." Momo replied, though the tone of her voice told Dahyun it wasn't. Those deep dark eyes just stared into her own with an emotion that Dahyun never learned how to read.
"Just let me look." She breathed.
"I hate you." It slipped out of Dahyun's mouth and once it did, everything else did too. "I hate everything about you. You're a player and a whore and all you do is run around using people for your own pleasure. It's sick."
Dahyun felt powerful when Momo's eyes released a tear.
"I know you're gonna dump her too. Just like you did to Heechul and to me and to everyone else before that. Does it get you off? Do you like hurting people?"
The woman beside Momo glanced around. People were watching. Dahyun was much too loud.
"Shhhh!" Momo tried to cover Dahyun's mouth as her hand continued its work between her legs. "To loud, sweetie."
Dahyun couldn't help it. She felt so good.
"Momo..." She whined. "I'm sorry... I... Oh... my God..."
Momo smiled, placing her mouth over Dahyun's as she sang out to the whole university. Singing Momo's name like it was the halleluiah from her prayers. Momo liked it when she was loud.
"I hurt you?" Momo's voice was tiny, and her eyes were wide.
"I should have just let you jump off a building. That's what you want right? To die!" Dahyun screamed. She couldn't take it anymore.
She couldn't live a second without Momo. She couldn't even breathe without her invading her thoughts. She couldn't even blink without seeing her behind her lids. It was like the world was screaming at her, all the time.
MOMO. MOMO. MOMO.
And she was sick of it.
Two powerful arms snatched her from behind.
"Dahyun, stop." It was Jihyo, pulling her away from the one thing on the earth that was keeping her sane, though it seemed the opposite.
"I HATE YOU." She cried again, yanking forward against Jihyo's arms. Momo flinched and her body heaved with a sob. Dahyun had never seen her cry like that.
It was killing her as much as it was fuelling her anger and hatred.
"I HATE YOU."
THE SIXTH SIN; SLOTH
"It's late. We should get to class."
"No. Please just lie with me for a while."
***
"Are we gonna go to lunch?"
"What do you think?"
***
"Don't fall asleep on me Dahyun!"
"Too bad."
***
"Just sleep here. With me. Forever."
***
Dahyun had managed to get out of bed, onto the train and into the practice room. She had managed to remember her sheet music and a pencil to write with. She managed to open the lid of the piano and sit down with the music in front of her. But she couldn't play a single note. She didn't want to.
She let her thoughts run free as she stared blankly at the black and white keys.
Of course, they ran to Momo. They always did.
"What are you thinking about?"
THE SEVENTH AND FINAL SIN; PRIDE
Dahyun's head lifted. It was Momo. Her hair down and looking exactly how she had all those months ago when she had talked to her in the music room.
"You're always thinking about something and I never know what it is." She continued, staying close to the door, her hands clenched together, and her eyebrows furrowed.
"You don't need to know what I'm thinking about." Dahyun stated. She didn't even know what she was supposed to think about.
"No." Momo sighed. "I-I don't need to know. But I want to know." She released her hands and she ran one through her hair. It was shaking. "I don't think my intensions were clear when we were..."
"When we were having sex? Your intensions were clear as day, Momo. Don't test me." Dahyun looked away from her and stared at the first note on the page. A C natural. Such a stupid, generic note.
"No." Momo swallowed. "I wasn't using you. Well, I was at first, but –"
"I said don't try me."
"I love you."
Dahyun looked away from the C natural. Momo was standing there, looking small and scared. Like she was naked in front of millions. Like she was being publicly humiliated. Her heart started beating again.
"I fell in love by accident and I didn't know how to... say it." She swallowed again. "I don't say it. So, I felt like... I just... you make me feel so different to anyone else... I don't... I'm..."
Dahyun didn't know how to process the words that Momo was speaking. Her heart raced. Her cheeks flushed. She felt like Momo was embracing her again. Like she was safe in her arms for good. Like she was protected. Like everything would be ok again.
But that was her heart.
Her rationality told her she was making a mistake.
Her conscience told her that she was going to sin again.
"My intensions mustn't have been clear either." Dahyun said, raising her hands into the position to play the first note on her sheet music. "I'm not going to sin like that. I'm straight. I'm not stooping to your level."
Dahyun shut off her emotions and heart. She let her rationality take over. She let her corrupted conscience move her fingers across the keys. The major chords filled the holes that Momo had left in her mind.
"Alright." Momo's voice was heard only slightly above the pounding of Dahyun's fingers against the keys.
Dahyun wouldn't let herself listen to the breaking of her own heart as Momo walked away.
***
"I love you." Jeongyeon told Chaeyoung, kissing her on the cheek before leaving her and Jihyo to walk into the music room alone. Dahyun was already there.
But something was wrong.
"Can you not do that in front of me?" Dahyun's fingers halted on the piano. Her eyes stared daggers into Chaeyoung's. "Stop sinning so obviously."
Dahyun was a hypocrite and she knew it.
"Hey." Jihyo was about to give her the nth lecture about love being free and for everyone before Dahyun's tears started to run.
"It's wrong. I don't even want to be friends with you guys if you want to endorse this sort of lifestyle."
Something was wrong.
"It's disgusting. It's not biologically possible. It's not part of God's plan."
Chaeyoung couldn't be offended. Not when her best friend was crying like that.
"You should all – all three of you – go to confession."
"Dahyun, what's going on?" Jihyo spoke gently.
"I would never stoop so low. Not to your level." Dahyun shoved a finger in Chaeyoung's direction, spit flying from her mouth.
"I would never fall for a woman. I would never commit that sin."
I love you too. I'm sorry.