"SHUTTLE 'S NEWS' UPDATE: All praise Lord Alan and his Tasks of Redemption, now in HD on S News One. Catch up on all the thrills and spills of your favourite Champions as they battle for our redemption, then at 9pm Central Fleet Time, tune in for our touching tribute to the fallen. Only on S News One. Paradise Awaits."
Susan raised her crystal tumbler and breathed in the vintage brandy swilling inside.
'Gentlemen, may I propose a toast?'
The Officers sat around the opulent dining table, in the private observation room, atop the SS KENT COUNTY COUNCIL 4B and each clinked cutlery against their glasses and boisterously cheered each other, as the waiters cleared the remains of the five-course meal.
'To our Lord and Saviour: Alan, if these past few tasks have shown us anything, it's that we must do more to prove ourselves worthy of his forgiveness, in the hope that he will lead us all to Paradise.'
'TO ALAN,' they cheered in unison.
'You know,' continued Susan, 'this reminds me of the parable of the greedy restaurateur from the Book of Alan: Two restaurateurs with talented chefs each open a restaurant, each serving fine cuisine. As the restaurants became successful, one heaped praise on his chef, admiring his craft and ability to create art from the raw, ungrateful ingredients found in the dirt, so he booked him a lovely holiday and worshiped him with blood sacrifices.'
The officers all leaned in, eager to please their guest of honour.
'The other restaurateur was greedy and selfish and just assumed his chef would cook such wonderful food for him forever, and if he didn't, he would simply replace him with another chef - one that's popular with celebrities because he cooks with a trendy, unworkable new philosophy that comes with a bracelet. The humble restaurateur got a second Michelin star, became rich beyond his wildest dreams and married into royalty, while the arrogant restaurateur was trampled by a stampede of feral badgers.'
The officers each sagely nodded their heads to each other, appreciating its apparent meaning before applauding politely.
'Well gentleman, I must thank you once again for your generous hospitality, but I really must be going - humanity won't redeem itself,' she said with a wry smile.
The Captain rushed to her side to pull back her chair, then waited on one knee to kiss her hand.
Servants opened the doors and she glided out, flanked by her personal security detail of Military Police dressed entirely in Royal Blue, with gold trim and carrying her sigil of a silver budgerigar on their chest and flowing capes.
'Finally,' she thought, finally she was getting the respect and dignity her authority deserved - If only her Mother could see her now. For too long obnoxious men have assumed their own importance and look where that got everyone? Well now it was the turn of powerful women, now it was Susan's turn.
Passing crew members fell to their knees as Susan passed, making her way to the mezzanine above the Great Communal Hall, Basement Level One, Block Q.
'It was important,' thought Susan, 'to reconnect with her loyal subjects at least once a day.'
As the doors swung open, she was welcomed with rapturous applause and adulation. Susan held a single hand aloft and a hushed silence filled the hall.
'My dear people, your Lord, Alan has asked me to read a new verse added to the Book of Alan this very day, a passage written by God on how best we can make amends.'
Susan caught sight of her pet budgerigar fluttering down from the rafters to perch himself on one of the many television screens that was currently showing Dominique interviewing a crew of Military Police champions, they were each dressed in the same shiny black skin tight uniform with a silver lightning bolt across their chest.
'Go about your ordinary day like the ordinary creatures you are. Drink your tea bags, use your paper of the toilet, but use them always with a mood of devotion. Always with the consciousness that this is for God's pleasure. You humans like to eat, so instead of eating to satisfy your hunger, prepare your meal of biscuits and offer them to me, your God: Alan. It is through this daily devotion that he knows you are truly sorry for everything you did.'
Rapturous applause broke out across the hall as Susan waved to her followers before gliding back out towards the sanctity of her quarters.
The Captain was kind enough to give up his quarters to her, which was a small relief as her previous bunk, behind the septic tank, had become a holy shrine to Alanism, making it almost entirely unlivable.
The guards stationed outside her door saluted as she entered and closed the double doors just after Alan flew in behind her.
'These people are relentless,' he moaned, landing gracefully on his ornate bird bath and taking a sip, 'all day long they're praying to me to "help me with this" or "cure me of that," that's not what I'm here for, Susan the Unworthy, I don't want to talk to you people with your tiny problems, that is your job, that's why I have an Earthly Emissary.'
'That is understood, my Lord,' she replied, checking her voice messages.
She knew how he felt, ever since Alan showed himself to mankind, every ex-boyfriend, long lost relative, school friend and bank manager had got in touch to ask a favour.
As she deleted each message after the first syllable, one voice caught her attention:
'Susan? Hi it's Pembo. Listen, I know we didn't leave on the best of terms, but if I know Abaddon, he'll be coming for you. Please call me when you get this.'
Susan's hand hovered over the 'call back' command before hitting delete and walking over to the bar to pour herself a drink.
Two sharp knocks rattled her door as her butler crawled in on all fours and kneeled in prayer at her feet.
'Your Unworthiness, you have a representative of EDEN here to see you.'
Miss Stone walked in, stepping over the Butler to shake her hand.
'Actually Susan, I'm a representative of EDEN, Supreme Leader Abaddon and Abaddon Production, of which I'm here to meet with you today. I trust the new surroundings the Supreme Leader organised for you are to your liking?'
'Ah yes,' Susan mused in mock consideration, 'Mr Abaddon. The same Mr Abaddon who expedited the destruction of Earth for profit?'
'I assure you Susan,' said Miss Stone sweetly, 'no one has done more to save our species than Supreme Leader Abaddon.'
'I imagine that's why Justice for Earth has been hunting him down for so many years, perhaps they wish to award him a medal,' replied Susan coldly.
Miss Stone paused. 'Justice for Earth were an illegal underground terrorist organisation populated by a small group of bitter people, looking for someone to blame for their misfortune. It was my understanding that they had disbanded many years ago - how interesting that you mention them, has someone contacted you?'
'Of course not,' replied Susan realising her mistake, 'but the Lord is all seeing and all knowing, Miss Stone, just as he knows Mr Abaddon continues to take full credit for the technology, our lord and saviour provided to save our species.'
Miss Stone didn't as much smile as bear her teeth. 'A misunderstanding, Susan, Supreme Leader Abaddon was entirely misled by a confused and very ill Professor Dawkins, who has sadly succumbed to his illness. Supreme Leader Abaddon was mortified to find out about this misunderstanding and has set about making amends for Dawkins mistake, namely by dedicating his entire news channel to our Lord Alan's, Tasks of Redemption, I'm sure you've seen the coverage.'
'Indeed I have, and you say that's why you're here, unannounced, to talk to me?'
'Abaddon Production wants you and Alan to be an integral part of the coverage - what better way to speak to all your followers at once? We can help Alan talk to his flock in a language they understand: announcing the tasks live on air, producing snackable content for today's busy worshipper, and you Susan, we want to make your sermon the star of the televised afterparty.'
'Afterparty?' Pondered Susan as Darwin landed on her shoulder close to her ear.
After a pausing to stroke his feathers, she looked Miss Stone in the eye. 'We agree to be part of your broadcast and thank Mr Abaddon for his apology and devotion to our Lord Alan, but there is one condition: Alan will create and host his own afterparty.'
'The Supreme Leader will be delighted,' replied Stone devoid of emotion, 'he also requests a private audience with God and yourself, to discuss further how S News can be of service in our people's redemption and worship going forward.'
'I'm afraid that's not what God is here for, Miss Stone, he is far too busy and important for personal appearances, besides, that's why he appointed an Earthly Emissary,' replied Susan.
'Very well, 'I shall arrange the details for your meeting with Supreme Leader Abaddon before your sermon tomorrow. They shook hands and Stone stepped back over the still prone butler, who shuffled backwards following her out the door.
'I like this Abaddon,' said Alan fluttering back to his cage, he knows how to worship in the modern age, which could prove useful, but he clearly considers himself important! I mean, inviting me to his afterparty? Oh no, I am the God, I host the after parties and what a party it shall be.'
'Well played, my Lord,' said Susan, raising her glass to him, 'that will certainly put him back in his place.'
Outside in the corridor, Stone marched back to her shuttle and dialled up her comslink.
'Maddison, Justice for Earth are back and they're in contact with Susan the Unworthy - Alert the Supreme Leader. '