Susan slammed the light plastic door of her allocated quarters, aboard the Civilian shuttle assigned to her on evacuation - it made a deeply unsatisfying click.
'I don't wish to speak out of turn, but there are a lot of people aboard this shuttle that don't bloody well deserve to be saved.'
She plopped onto her bunk and fumed.
'What happened this time?' Sighed Alan fluttering gracefully towards her.
'Someone threw a tomato at me! A whole tomato,' she picked at the remaining pulp from her cardigan.
'Did you teach them the lesson of the two Politicians, as I asked? Where one gives his creator the credit it deserves and the other...'
'Dies painfully of syphilis, of course I did, but they do not listen! They are beyond help.'
'Then it is time, O' Susan the Unworthy, to put my plan into action, for as a great man once said: I have spent too long pleading to their better nature, trying to win their respect when they should have been earning it; falling over themselves, competing to win it back - and fall they shall.'
'Right, well actually that was me,' declared Susan, 'but regardless, you're not going to do anything rash, are you? It's just that you made that last bit sound rather sinister.'
'Gird your loins for the long journey ahead, Susan the Unworthy, for the hour of reckoning is at hand.'
'Loins, yes, of course, but you will promise not to get too carried away?'
'SQUAWK!' Squawked Darwin as he flapped his wings with, what had now become an almost perpetual look of, utter confusion.
'Oh my,' said Susan quietly.
***
'You better wake up Gabe, you need to see this.'
Gabe slowly opened his eyes and peeled his head off the control panel to see Jaibles standing over him.
'Urgh, what happened?' He said trying to rub away the fogginess from his brain.
'Your guess is as good as mine, Geezer,' said Monkey absently. He was standing in the far corner of the control room, away from the others, staring intently out the window as his breath fogged the glass. 'You're going to want to see this.'
'Wait!' Said Gabe, his head beginning to clear, 'The military tanks, Stone, where are they?' He stood up, panicked and dizzy.
'Not sure,' replied Jaibles quietly, 'probably in there somewhere,'
Gabe followed Jaibles gaze out towards the stars to see the entirety of Earth's fleet, tens of thousands of shuttles, all wrapped and contained in a gentle twinkling glow of a force field, it would have felt so serene, so comforting, so safe, if it wasn't so confusing.'
'Why?' Said Gabe quietly to himself.
'Probably because of that thing,' said Monkey, still staring out of his window. As Gabe and Jaibles stumbled over to join him, their jaws dropped.
Looming mountainously over them was a billowing continent of celestial cloud and light, it's shape forever changing and collapsing in on itself; forever forming and reforming. Gabe stared deep within the cloud as an infinity of galaxies and solar systems formed, swirled and imploded, their lifecycle playing out in seconds in front of his eyes.
He felt a warm tear roll down his cheek.
'SILENCE,' the word boomed in his mind. No noise, just an inner voice, strange and powerful, deep and threatening.
Gabe grabbed his ears in vain as the thought reverberated around his skull, he looked up at Jaibles and Monkey both doubled in pain.
'Silence and look with fear upon your Creator.' Electrical storms erupted from within its form, surging a deep energy across the fleet, crackling and fizzing the lights as it passed through the Archangel.
'Cast your eyes upon me and weep for your sins, for you have failed me. Me, your Father: the giver of life and joy; the bringer of light; the keeper of heaven. He who gave you sunshine when you were cold; he who gave you water when you were thirsty; he who gave you crops and harvests when you were hungry; he who created the beasts of the fields; who filled your rivers and seas with bounty. He who gave you fields to play in; rivers to swim in; trees and stones to build your shelter; tools to create and defend yourselves. He who gave you the sunrise and the sunset; wonder and excitement; health and happiness; peace and tranquillity. He who gave you eyes to see, and ears to hear; he who gave you words and music; the sun and the moon; songs and poems; friendship and laughter; love and compassion; hopes and dreams; intelligence; wisdom; knowledge; courage; he who gave you life itself. HE WHO GAVE YOU THE EARTH.'
His voice echoed and distorted in Gabe's head as he built up to his final accusation. A generation of neglect and accountability hit him like a freight train, dropping him to the floor.
Humanity had trashed their hotel room and abused room service with over 200 years of unchecked industrialisation, and now God was here to collect the bill.
Across the fleet the scene was the same: abject terror and humility. Through the communal halls of the Government Shuttles to the penthouse suites of the Corporate Vessels, every human was on their knees begging for redemption - all except two.
In SS ABADDON ONE: President Abaddon's private cruiser, he stood defiant, overlooking his fleet from his top-floor spa and treatment centre. He had been unwinding, as he always did on Wednesdays by frolicking in his jacuzzi with some girl called Candi.
Suddenly his wife and two girlfriends came crashing in and ran to the window to get a better look at God. Abaddon stood there naked, fists clenched, with Candi clinging to his leg in fear as the cloud delivered its barrage of accusations. He kicked her off, grabbed a towel and lit himself an expensive cigar.
He blew sinister smoke rings, quietly and methodically as humanity was held to account, only a gentle twitch under his right eye belied his apparent calm.
On the SS KENT COUNTY COUNCIL 4B, Susan stood at the back of the Great Communal Hall, basement level, Block Q, where she had made a comfy little home for herself and Darwin in the small quarters next to the septic tank.
Her floor didn't have any windows so she couldn't see what was happening outside, so she closed her eyes and remembered floating peacefully in the tranquillity of space with Alan, the first day they met, and she knew.
Susan watched the terrified passengers on her shuttle - she had tried, time and time again, to warn them of their ways, but they all looked at her in the same way: a way of pity and annoyance.
How they had laughed and called her names when at meal times she would read aloud from the Book of Alan. How they chuckled when they saw her dedicating her cup of tea and Jammy Dodger to the Lord God Alan. How they mocked her when she encouraged them to write him little thank you letters and pray them to him at night, before bed. How they nudged and sniggered when she told them how good he looked in shorts.
'Yes, well who's laughing on which side of one's face now?' She thought to herself with a wry smile, as all around her the maddening wails of abject fear came from the sea of unbelievers.
She petted Darwin as he nestled comfortably in the inside pocket of her cardigan and waited patiently for her lord to smite them all.
'And you, my faithful flock, what have you given me in return? You who gave me your silence; you who gave me your spite; you who gave me your hurt, your anger, and your vengeance. You who gave me your sorrow; you who gave me your emptiness; you who gave me your bitterness, your pain, and your fear. You who took my love; you who took my safety; you who took my sacrifice, my food, and my air. You who took my water; you who took my lands; you who took my crops, my work, and my light. YOU WHO TOOK MY EARTH.' His voice rumbled and thundered.
'I sat back and watched as you destroyed all that I gave to you, watched as you worshiped and killed over false idols; watched as I sent my emissary, Susan the Unworthy, to be ignored and mocked by you; watched as you left my Earth, used and broken, using the technology that I gave you, with the small request that I at least get a bloody thank you out of it, and did I? Did I get a thank you? No, you couldn't even do that for me, could you. Well I can watch no longer. Now is your time of reckoning.'
'Dawkins' whispered Gabe and closed his eyes in regret.
Alan paused and listened to the frightened wails coming from the fleet.
'I hear your cries my children, I hear them all, I hear you weeping in your billions as clear as you hear my voice right now, but you have forsaken me, so, I leave you with a simple choice: compete in my Tasks of Redemption or die. Compete and I will give each of you your own personal Paradise while I take you to your new Earth.'
Suddenly the walls of the Archangel disappeared and Gabe, Jaibles and Monkey found themselves standing on an alpine field, everything about it reminded Gabe of a breakfast commercial, he could feel the cold air on his face and smell the freshly cut grass. He could just make out a small log cabin in the distance, a gentle plume of smoke coming from its stone chimney, it looked warm and welcoming so they started towards it when the illusion faded and they found themselves back on board the Archangel.
'Compete in my Tasks and any paradise you desire could be yours. If you prove your love for me, I will welcome you into my arms once more and embrace you as my children, otherwise...' A blue burst of energy shot from the mountainous cloud, eviscerating a nearby planet into a fine vapour.
'You are all sinners in my eyes and you all deserve death!' He raged growing further in size, 'But I am also a kind and forgiving God,' he deflated, 'so I offer you this one last chance to redeem yourselves and compete. You have one minute to decide.'
'Judas Priest!' Jaibles paced the floor, his head in his hands, 'Judas Priest! Judas effing Priest! We've got one minute! How are we supposed to let him know our decision, shout it out the window?'
A hologram then appeared in front of each of their faces, simple in design, just two boxes to choose from, in the left it read 'Compete,' in the right, 'Die.' Gabe reached out and pushed the left box.
'Thank you for registering your vote,' flashed up in its place before fading away.
On the SS ABADDON ONE, President Abaddon glowered at his choice, feeling his jaw clench shut. He despised anyone having the upper hand over him, even when that 'anyone' was the creator of all things.
The power he so carefully cultivated on Earth was rapidly shifting away from him and that was unacceptable. He needed a way back in, he needed to find out more about this God and his emissary: Susan the Unworthy, she was the key to manipulating this situation back in his favour.
'For the love of God, Buzz will you just push the left button!' Screamed his wife. He pushed it and marched out of the room, yelling as he slammed the door behind him: 'SOMEBODY FIND ME SUSAN THE UNWORTHY!'
'Your minute is up. Congratulations, you all wish to repent and save your souls. Now, we can't have all of you competing otherwise there will be no one left to worship me, so what to do, what to do... I know, each of you bigger shuttles will now name a crew of 'Champions' to represent you in my Tasks of Redemption and as we don't have all millennia, let's give it 24 of your Earth hours to place your champions in front of me, your God; your only God: Alan, Destroyer of Worlds. Let the healing begin.'
The gentle twinkling glow that surrounded them faded and Gabe slumped back in his chair, they sat there unable to speak, exhausted by the last few hours.
'Well, I guess getting killed by EDEN isn't our biggest problem anymore,' smiled Jaibles.
On the SS KENT COUNTY COUNCIL 4B, Susan beamed, she had watched as all around her they hurriedly pushed their left-hand buttons and fell weeping in panic to the floor, she made her way to the end of the Communal Hall where the containers were stacked, and climbed to a slightly more elevated position, coughing politely.
'Excuse me, I say, may I have your attention for a moment.' A few tired faces looked up, they looked wretched and fearful.
'Hello there,' she said, rather chipper. 'My name is Susan the Unworthy and I'd like to talk to you about improving your relationship with God; your God, your only God: Alan, Destroyer of Worlds.'