The afternoon of Saturday we ended up driving to Harry's old house, since Maura had invited us over for dinner.
We decided to stop by the hotel before going there, so by the time we actually got there it was a bit later than usual, and it was already starting to get dark outside.
"Harry" I said, looking at him as soon as he parked the car but didn't make a move to get out, seeming much smaller and defenceless in the dark red crew neck sweater he was wearing.
"I don't think I can do this" he admitted, frowning, as he stared at the house through the glass of the car window.
I squeezed his forearm gently. "You can" I told him, "you've come so far already. I'm sure you can do it. But if you really feel like you can't we can just leave, and that's okay too."
"Just give me a minute" he said, and I gave him a nod, letting his arm go and letting him take it at his own pace.
"Sure."
Some moments went by, that we just spent sitting there in silence, and then he let out a little sigh. "Okay, let's go."
"Alright" I replied, getting out of the car just as he did the same and walking with him up to the house.
We stopped at the front door, and he hesitated a bit before ringing the doorbell, the sound resonating into the house and for some instants making me as nervous as he was.
I moved my finger and gently grazed his forearm, wanting to show him my support in some way but not wanting to take his hand in case he didn't want the person that would've opened to see a similar gesture.
Then, the door opened.
"Oh dear, Harry!" Maura exclaimed in the second she opened the door, pulling him into a hug. "I missed you so much." She let him go, holding him at an arm's length and taking a proper look at him. "Look at you, you've grown so much" she said, seeming to be a bit emotional. "I'm so happy to see you." She finally turned to look at me, sending me a curious glance. "You look familiar. Wait, weren't you with Harry some years ago? I'm glad he got to keep you."
There was an awkward silence in the second she said that last sentence, and then Harry cleared his throat a bit. "Can we come in?"
"Oh, sure" Maura said, moving to the side to allow us to walk in. "You must be tired, it's a long drive from London."
We hesitantly walked inside the house, and I quickly gave a look around, making sure that it wasn't too noticeable. It didn't take a particularly attentive person to tell that nothing inside that house had changed in the past five years. Everything was perfectly identical to how it used to be, and I couldn't help but wonder how Harry was feeling, walking inside that place again after all those years and seeing it so unchanged.
"We're fine" Harry muttered in reply as I took off my jacket and put it on the coat hanger next to the door after being coaxed by Maura.
She nodded, seeming to feel the sudden tension that had started to develop inside the room. "Good" she stated, before looking towards kitchen. "I hope you've set the table!"
I didn't even have time to wonder who she was talking to before Niall suddenly came out of kitchen, and I almost had a heart attack in the second he did. Did Harry know he would've been there?
"Yeah" he replied to his mother, letting his blue eyes linger on us for some seconds before speaking again. "Harry."
His words were met by the most complete silence as Harry just stared at him, his jaw clenched, a cold look in his eyes, seeming to have no intention to reply to him - and I honestly couldn't blame him. If his betrayal was still too fresh in my mind, I didn't even dare to think of how Harry was feeling.
"I was hoping we could talk?" He added, raising an eyebrow.
"I have nothing to say to you" Harry replied, his voice low but harsh, making the atmosphere in the room get even colder.
"Uh, we'll just go wash our hands" I said quickly, taking Harry by the arm and walking towards the stairs, hoping that it would've been enough to allow everyone in the house to relax a bit.
We went up the stairs and I stopped when we were on the upper floor, not really remembering where the bathroom was.
Harry moved around me and started walking to the door at the end of the corridor, so I followed him. All of a sudden he stopped in front of a door that was the closest to the bathroom, and I didn't even need to give it a second glance to recognise it as the door to his old bedroom.
We stood there for some seconds, in silence, as he looked at it, and then, slowly, he put his hand on the handle and lowered it, pushing the door open. Or trying to, because it didn't budge. It was clear that it'd been locked - not too differently from how it was when he still lived there.
Harry just shook his head, letting it go quickly, as if it'd burnt his hand, and making his way to the bathroom.
We entered it and washed our hands, and then I moved to dry my hands on the towel, glancing at Harry with a little frown when I realised that he wasn't doing the same, and that he was standing in front of the sink instead, his wet hands on the cold ceramic and his eyes burning into the ones of his own reflection.
"Are you okay?" I asked him gently.
"I used to stare at myself in this mirror every single morning" he said, "to make sure that nobody could see that I wasn't okay." He frowned, not lowering his gaze. "I really wasn't okay."
I moved closer to him and leaned my head on his shoulder, hoping that he would've found it reassuring in some way, observing my own reflection, standing right next to him. "I know."
"Nobody ever noticed" he continued lowly. "They barely looked at me in the eyes."
I squeezed his shoulder gently. "I'm sorry." It upset me to know that nobody in that house had ever truly noticed that he was struggling with things. They were supposed to take care of him, but they'd done the exact opposite by picking on him continuously.
"What am I even doing here?" He asked, more to himself than me.
I took a deep breath, moving away from him and towards the door. "Let's just go downstairs, okay?" I asked him, eager to get that dinner done, even if the thought of going down terrified me. I could already tell that whole evening would've been a train wreck. I wondered if Harry could too.
He nodded, pushing himself away from the sink and following me out of the door.
We went down the stairs again, and I realised that things wouldn't have gone nearly as smoothly as I'd hoped when I saw that none other than Niall's father had joined the dinner.
We sat at the table anyway, thankfully managing to sit right next to each other, and, at least on my part, prepared for the disaster that was surely about to come.
The first few minutes of the meal went by completely silent, with nobody daring to say a single word.
"This pasta is great, Maura" I said after a while, trying to release some of the tension that was around the dinner table.
She smiled at me, seeming to be grateful for my attempt. "Thank you so much, darling. What's your name again? I think I forgot."
"It's Sierra" I replied, and she nodded.
"Oh yeah, right."
The air around us was enveloped in silence again as soon as she was done speaking, only for it to be shattered by Niall not too long after.
"Hi, Harry" he said, seeming to want to try to make some kind of conversation with Harry, only to be shot down a second time when he didn't even look at him, not replying to him.
Niall's dad sent Harry a glare, for some reason deeming it a good moment to intervene. "You know, it's common courtesy to greet someone back."
His words immediately angered me, but I didn't voice it, not wanting the situation to get even worse. How dare he talk to Harry in that way, especially after all that time? Harry was in his mid-twenties and hadn't lived in that house in years, what had made him think that it was acceptable to address him like that?
Harry clenched his jaw at the remark, but to my surprise, he didn't bite back. "Hey" he said instead, the tone of his voice clearly forced, barely looking at Niall.
Niall's dad scoffed at that, as if Harry had personally insulted him or something by doing that. "So do you have a job or something?"
For the first few instants Harry didn't say anything, making me think he wouldn't have replied to that question - and I honestly couldn't have blamed him, at that point. That man was talking to him as if he was so much better than him, and it was sickening to see.
"I work at a publishing company" he muttered in the end, looking down at his dish while he spoke.
His interlocutor laughed loudly at his words. "At a publishing company? But you know nothing of books."
Harry just looked down, not replying to the insulting remark, that had pissed me off a bit more. If there was one thing I remembered about the Harry I'd known five years before, was that he liked to read. I'd only seen him do that personally a few times, but from the texts we'd sent each other in that time period, I knew it was a more than common occurrence for him to spend his time reading. How little did that man know about Harry? He'd lived under his same roof for years and yet he didn't seem to know the most basic thing about him, being too busy constantly picking on him and judging him to even make a genuine effort to get to know him.
"He's great" I commented, sending Niall's dad a little look, and he seemed to notice my existence only in that moment.
"And what's your job?"
I bit the inside of my cheek at that question, hating the sarcastic tone of his voice, but replied anyway. "Museum curator."
"Now that's more like it" he replied, seeming to enjoy my reply more.
I put my fork down, realising that he'd only asked to compare me to Harry, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. Why was he so eager to put him down? He hadn't done anything to him. "Harry is an amazing editor. He's very talented, and I'm very proud of him" I told him, reaching for Harry's hand under the table and taking it gently, earning a little squeeze back.
Niall's dad chuckled. "Well, that's surprising. When he stopped answering calls, I told Maura, he's probably dead in a ditch or something" he said, his comment making me even more uncomfortable. How could he talk to Harry in that way? And how could none of his family members tell him to stop? "What's your income, boy?"
"My income is none of your business" Harry replied quickly, suddenly seeming to be less willing to put up with his bullshit - and I honestly couldn't blame him.
"Suppose it's enough to pay for drugs though, ain't it right?"
His words were followed by a few seconds of silence, and then the situation suddenly changed.
"I'm done" Harry said, quickly standing up and getting out of the kitchen, the slam of the front door coming soon after.
I sent the rude man that was sitting in front of me a glare before standing up as well and following Harry's path, taking my jacket from the hanger before leaving that house.
"Harry!" I exclaimed as soon as I was out, quickly walking towards him as I put on my jacket.
He stopped walking, turning around. "I just-" he started to say, but he interrupted himself when he didn't seem to find the right words. "I feel so stupid? What did I think I would find here?" He asked, clear upset in his eyes.
I stepped closer to him and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him into a quick hug. "I'm so sorry" I said into his ear before letting him go again. "He's an asshole."
"He hates me" Harry told me, seeming to be still shocked by what had happened. "he hates me so much. What have I even done to him?"
"You haven't done anything, Harry. He's just really rude" I told him gently, before sending a quick glance to the house. The sun had set but it still wasn't completely dark, which meant that they could easily see us from the windows. "What about we leave now? We're giving them a show."
Harry nodded, seeming to realise the same thing. "Okay" he said, and we walked to his car, that he'd parked right in front of the house earlier.
"We should stop to get something to eat. We haven't really had dinner" I told him as we got inside, not wanting us to skip dinner because of that. Mostly, not wanting him to skip dinner. I didn't know what kind of effects that whole situation would've had on him in the following days, so if I could get him to at least eat something, I would've jumped at the chance.
He hummed and started the engine, but I put my hand on his before he could do anything else.
"Take a deep breath and try to calm down at best, alright?" I told him, and he sent me a little glance. "You shouldn't drive if you're really upset."
"I'm fine" he said, looking away from me as he spoke.
I gave him an unsure look. "Are you sure?" I asked, knowing that it probably wasn't the truth, but not really knowing why he wasn't being honest with me.
"I'll manage."
"Okay" I said, letting his hand go and letting him drive out of the parking spot.
The drive wasn't particularly long, but it was mostly silent, since he didn't say a word and I didn't say anything either, not wanting to upset him even further.
After a while he parked the car, and I widened my eyes as soon as I saw where we were.
"Here?" I asked, not believing that he'd really taken me to the same place he'd taken me to all those years before, when we'd skipped classes together.
He sent me an unsure look. "I thought you liked it?"
"I did, I just didn't expect it" I replied honestly, opening the car door and getting out, being followed by him soon after.
We got inside and we ordered something to eat - not much, considering that none of us was feeling particularly hungry.
I paid for the both of us, telling Harry that, since I'd been the one to suggest we got something to eat, it was my turn to pay, and he didn't even have it in him to complain, the events of that evening having taken a toll on him.
When the chicken nuggets and chips were done we took a seat at a table, eating in silence for a while as I thought of the best way to approach the topic.
"What's on your mind? About this whole situation" I asked him a few minutes after, picking up a chip and eating it, somehow managing not to burn my tongue in the process.
Harry looked down at the table. "I don't know" he replied honestly. "I was sure I would've, I don't know, got a piece of myself back or something if I'd come back here. But now..." He shrugged. "I'm just disappointed."
"You don't need to find a way to make it right. You tried, but if they don't want to do the same then they don't deserve to be in your life" I told him gently. "I just don't want you to keep getting hurt like this. It isn't fair."
"I think I really wanted things to be better between us" he admitted, "I mean, they're the closest thing I have to a family."
I watched him as he took a bite of another chicken nugget as soon as he was done talking and looked out of the window, but just ended up looking at himself and the room behind him due to the darkness outside.
"They aren't" I replied, "you have me, and Zayn, and Liam, and all the others too." It saddened me to think that he felt like he had to surrender to being treated like that because he felt obligated to. "You can choose your family, baby."
Harry turned to look at me in the instant I spoke. "That's... new" he said, sounding a bit unsure, and I blushed wildly.
"I'm sorry, uh. It just slipped out" I told him, suddenly feeling a thousand times more awkward. I didn't even know why I'd called him that. It definitely wasn't something I was used to doing, and the thought of it crossing some invisible boundaries I was yet to know about scared me to no end.
"It's okay. I don't mind it" he replied with a little shrug, the corners of his lips slightly turning up.
I took a deep breath, his reply suddenly making me feel a thousand times better. "Alright."
He gave me a slight nod before speaking again. "Do you mind if we leave already? I'm a bit tired."
I looked down at the table, noticing that we hadn't eaten much at all, half of the chips and one of the chicken nuggets still there. It looked like Harry hadn't been the only one that had lost his appetite after what had happened at his old house. I knew, though, that not eating enough definitely wasn't a good idea, especially after he'd seemed to make a dangerous stressed habit of it.
"Finish the nuggets and we'll go back to the hotel" I told him in reply, and he gave me a little nod, taking the last nugget and eating it as I waited for him to be done.
After that we went back to the hotel and spent the evening on the bed cuddling, deciding to go to sleep early considering that Harry was tired due to the mixture of the three-hour drive and the awful dinner at his old house.
I was roughly woken up just some hours later, when the mattress under me moved.
I opened my eyes, staring into the darkness for some seconds, before realising what had happened. I hadn't been in that very situation for years, but I knew for sure it wasn't one I could've ever forgotten.
"Harry?" I asked immediately, keeping my voice low, sitting up on the bed. "Harry, are you okay?" I asked again when I got no reply, turning on the bedside lamp, in hopes that it would've made everything a bit easier.
In the warm amber light that suddenly illuminated the room I could see Harry sitting up, the blanket pooled around his waist, his knees raised, as if he'd caught himself in the process of curling up into a ball and stopped.
I stared at him for some seconds, that he spent staring at the opposite wall with an indecipherable look on his face.
"I'll get you a glass of water, alright?" I then said gently, not waiting for him to reply before standing up and pouring some water into a glass from the bottle that was on the table under the television, sitting back on the bed and handing him the glass. "Here."
He took the glass and sipped the cool liquid inside slowly, letting some seconds go by between each sip but keeping an even pace, as if he was counting the seconds in his mind or trying to calm himself down.
I looked at him as he did that for a while, trying to understand how he was feeling from the way he was acting, but with no success. It was like he'd chosen to partly shut down. "Harry?" I called him after some more seconds, and he turned to look at me. "What do you dream of?" I asked him curiously before I could stop myself. "I'm sorry if it's an indiscreet question. You don't have to answer."
He looked down, a frown taking over his features. "Uh" he started, the sound being met by silence as soon as it left his lips. "Sometimes it's real things from my past" he said quietly after a while, "memories. Others, it's those same memories, but with different people, that have nothing to do with them. Others, it's just... awful, terrifying things, that I don't even know how my brain can come up with." He paused, taking in a shaky breath. "Other times again, they're good memories. But then I wake up and realise those moments are gone forever." He sent me a glance. "Sorry, that turned a bit dark."
"Don't ever apologise for opening up, Harry" I told him, looking at him in the eyes as I spoke. "Talking about how you're feeling is important."
He turned his head away from me, putting the empty glass on his nightstand. "Talk to me about something else" he asked.
"So..." I started, pursing my lips as I quickly thought of something that could've distracted him enough, "my mother sent me a picture of her garden last week. It's beautiful, full of flowers. I was thinking, maybe you wouldn't mind posing there for me tomorrow? We're already here anyway."
"In your mother's garden?" Harry asked, furrowing his eyebrows, seeming to be a bit unsure.
I nodded. "I'll make sure my parents won't bother us, don't worry" I said, trying to reassure him. "Besides, I might've talked about it with my mum, and she might've invited us over for tea."
His lips curved into a little smile at my words. "Why do I feel like you set me up?"
"Maybe" I replied, giving him a shrug. "Just a bit, though." I chuckled a bit at the look he sent me, and he tilted his head.
"Okay" he said lowly, "I will."
I bit my lower lip not to allow my smile to show at his reply. "Nice." I turned my head and checked the time on my phone, realising that it was a little past three in the morning. "Do you want to go to sleep or stay up some more?"
"We can go to sleep" he replied, even though he didn't seem to be completely sure about it.
"Alright" I hummed, turning off the bedside lamp and lying back down in the most complete darkness, waiting for Harry to do the same.
I smiled a bit to myself when I felt him lie down next to me, putting his head on my shoulder and covering the both of us better with the blanket.
I moved my arm around him and brushed my fingers through his hair, staring up into the darkness until his slow and rhythmic breathing lulled me to sleep.
Artwork hit 6M some days ago! That's just crazy, thank you so, so much. It means the world to me. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. x
Miki