Lydia White
October 18th
Things have been good.
It's been two weeks of peacefulness regarding the Phantom situation, and we realized that we might not be being hunted like we thought.
Harry's been pretty lowkey about the gang, but I don't mind. I didn't really want to know. I wanted my life to be as normal as possible...
...and for the most part, it has been.
There was one small incident within these two weeks where Cody called me, but it lead to me blocking his number. We were over and I was moving on.
As for me and Harry's relationship, everything was going smoothly. He was practically moved in. He was here everyday and he usually stayed overnight. He even had his own designated drawer in my dresser for his clothing.
In the first four days of him staying with me, I had nightmares each night. Each one was horribly vivid and they all had some sort of twisted ending without fail. For example, one dream took place at the diner on the night when Harry shot James...except it ended with him shooting me as well.
I would either wake up screaming or jolting up in my bed out of breath every night. Harry was starting to get really worried, so much so that he suggested talking to a specialist.
But, after four nights, they just stopped...and they never happened again.
Eliza and Liam were getting better as well. Liam has really been putting in an effort to be present for El and Elijah. He's definitely still getting used to having a kid, but at least he's not giving up.
My eyes suddenly snap open as I stare up at the ceiling, feeling my stomach turn. Harry was sound asleep next to me. I feel something vile rising in my throat and my mouth starts to water.
I immediately jet from the bed and into the bathroom, hunching down in front of the toilet as my stomach empties.
This is the third morning this has happened. I've definitely caught a bug or something, because every morning I wake up and I puke...then, throughout the day, even the thought of eating anything greasy or fatty makes me want to be sick all over again.
Harry said it was probably a flu. He's been a great boyfriend though, making sure my every need is attended to. He's been spending every moment he can for the past three days cuddling me or making me lightweight meals.
As I pant into the toilet bowl with an empty stomach, I hear the rushed patting of bare feet coming towards the bathroom.
Harry comes in and sits on the edge of the bathtub next to the toilet with a blanket balled up in his hands, grabbing my hair and running his hands through it as I stopped puking.
"It's okay, babe." he says softly while rubbing my back in circles.
"I'm so tired of this." I whine while flushing the toilet and gripping my empty stomach.
"It's just a flu. You'll kick it eventually." he reassures.
He takes the soft white blanket that he brought in with him and wraps it around my shivering body, then grips my arms and helps me to my feet.
I groan in protest, just wanting to stay and die on the bathroom floor instead.
"I wanna stay here." I whine like a child, pinching my eyes shut.
Harry lets out a small chuckle. "Babe, you cant stay in the bathroom." he says.
I pull myself from his grip on me and then sink back down to the floor curled up in the blanket. "Watch me."
Harry sighs and looks up to the ceiling as if asking a higher power what to do with me.
"Fine." he mumbles as if an idea had come to his head. "Then we'll do this."
I watch him as he puts the toilet cover down, then I gasp as he bends down to pick me up with both his arms so that he's carrying me bridal style. He sets me down on the toilet and then points to me. "Stay." he directs.
He leans over to the bathtub and starts running the water, letting it get warm before plugging the drain.
He looks from the running water and over to me, watching him from the closed toilet. He bends his legs so that he's sitting on the hunches of his knees in front of me. He puts his two hands on my legs and squeezes.
"This will make you feel better." he says.
I softly smile at his gesture. I've been really sensitive lately along with the sickness, and his kindness nearly made me tear up. "I'd kiss you right now, but I just threw up." I state, making him dip his head down with a laugh.
Harry stands up and walks over to the sink. He grabs both of our toothbrushes and runs them under water while putting toothpaste on them. He hands mine over to me as he sticks his in his mouth and starts to brush.
I stand up from the toilet and stand next to him in the mirror while we both brush our teeth. When we finish, he turns to me and plants a loving kiss on my lips.
The bath was full and ready, so I started to get undressed.
"I'll leave now so you can have your privacy." Harry says, beginning to walk out of the bathroom.
I had stripped all the way down to just my underwear. "Wait." I say, making him turn around.
"What?" he says with a slight head tilt.
"Join me." I offer, gesturing to the bath.
His lips curl into a smirk and he steps back into the bathroom, closing the door. "If you insist." he says.
He takes his clothes off, item by item and I take my underwear off until we were both totally naked. He steps into the tub and sits down with his legs spread, then reaches up for my hand to help guide me in.
I sit down between his legs. My body immediately felt soothed by the hot water. I rest my head back against Harry's chest and he wraps his arms around the front of my body.
I could honestly fall asleep like this, I felt so safe.
That's what Harry was—my safe place. In all the danger and trouble that might be around us at the time, he was the one thing I could really rely on. He was what I could run to.
I've said it before and I'll say it again...he's my home. Even just looking at him in a dire situation made it all okay, even for just a small amount of time.
It's crazy, what one person can do to your heart.
I've read about love—love at first sight, soulmates—all the good stuff. Everyone would say that when you meet 'your' person, you'd know. You'd experience feelings that you've never felt before. I used to think it was all a cliche...until Harry.
He was put in my life for a reason, and I truly did believe that we were made for each other, as cheesy as that sounds.
I feel Harry brush his wet hand along my cheekbone and glide it over to my hair. "You're being weirdly quiet." he says.
"I'm just thinking." I mumble with my head against his chest.
"About?" he questioned further.
I smile and turn my head so that I could look a little bit. "You."
He arches his brow and his dimple pops as his lips are brought into a smile. "Yeah?"
I nod. "Yeah. I love you." I tell him, causing a glimpse of surprise to flash across his eyes.
"I love you too." he says with a content smile, then brings his head down so that our lips were just inches apart. "Forever." he finishes before kissing me once more.
Around noon, when Harry and I had gotten out of the bath and were trying to go about our day, I got a call from Eliza.
Harry and I were sitting on the couch. My legs were resting across his as he rubbed them in circles. I pick up the phone and put it to my ear.
"Hello?" I say.
"Hey, Lyds." Eliza says. "I need to ask you a favour." she says, making me sit up slightly.
"Anything." I respond.
She pauses before answering. I look at Harry who was watching me talk.
"Liam wants to take me out tonight...and I can't find a sitter..." she tells me.
"You want me to?"
"I know it's really last minute, but if you could that would be so great."
"Are you kidding? Of course I will." I say, causing her to sigh in relief from the other side of the phone.
"Thank you so much. It'll be around 6." she says.
We say our goodbyes and I hang up. Harry looks at me like he's waiting for me to explain what happened.
"Eliza asked me to babysit tonight." I tell him.
"For how long?" he asks.
"From 6 till I don't know when. She didn't tell me. But Liam's taking her out tonight so I figured I might as well help her out."
"So you're gonna leave me here alone?" he pouts like a child, making me laugh.
"I mean, you could come with me. I could use a helping hand." I nudge him with my elbow.
His eyes widen and he shakes his head in protest. "You know I don't work well with kids." he says.
I roll my eyes. "Harry he's five months old."
"Exactly. He'll need even more attention." he argues.
I sigh and move my legs from off of his. If trying to reason with him wasn't going to work, I decided to try another approach.
He watches me as I move my body so that I'm straddling his waist, his breath hitches as I bite down softly on his neck.
"Lydia-"
I cut him off by pressing my finger to his lips. "Baby," I start, running my lower lip against his ear, "will you please be there for me...as moral support." I say, then nibble on the bottom of his ear, causing him to groan against my finger.
He brings his hand up and snaps it around my wrist, pulling my hand from his mouth. "You are playing a very dangerous game here, White." he growls.
He uses one hand to grab a hold of both of my wrists and holds them tightly behind my back. I smirk, knowing my plan was working and I was getting to him.
"If you come with me I'll repay you afterwards." I whisper and take my bottom lip between my teeth.
He scoffs. "Oh please, Lyds. You'll be doing a lot more than repaying me tonight since you decided to be a little tease." he threatened in my ear.
Although that statement made me incredibly nervous, I had still managed to pick on him so much that he'd technically agreed to coming.
And he did. We got to Eliza's at 6 and I wished them a good time on their date as they handed Eli over to Harry and I.
Harry's been weird since we left, and I'm assuming it's because of what I did to get him to come here. He was waiting until tonight to unleash how I made him feel...and honestly, the part of me that wasn't extremely terrified was actually weirdly excited.
The first couple hours of babysitting were easy. Elijah had a small nap at around 6:30 and had just woken up. Harry and I sat quietly on the couch as I held Elijah on my lap and bounced him to keep him content, however, it didn't take long for him to get fuzzy.
Eliza told me that she had just changed his diaper, so if he got fussy then it was most likely because he was hungry.
"Harry," I say, "can you hold him for just a second? I need to make him a bottle."
"I-" he tries to protest but I stop him by putting Elijah in his lap. Harry used one of his hands to support the baby so he didn't fall over, while looking at him uncomfortably.
"This is weird." he says, looking at Elijah.
"It's not weird." I reply as I walk into the kitchen and take out one of the clean bottles. Eliza left a list of instructions on how to make a bottle, but I've done it before, so I didn't really need them.
I follow all the steps and give the bottle a shake when I'm finished. I was just about to walk back out when I heard Harry scream from the living room.
"Lydia!" he shouts.
I rush back out with the bottle in my hand, thinking that something bad had happened to the baby.
But what I see instead is Harry standing up and holding Elijah with his arms extended all the way out. Harry had a look of pure disgust on his face.
Elijah had thrown up on him.
I cover my mouth as I try not to laugh, but Harry notices.
"This isn't funny!" he whines, still holding Elijah—who was also laughing—away from him.
"I guess that's why he was fussy." I chuckle as I take him from Harry's hands.
Harry storms into the kitchen and comes out wiping himself with a paper towel. It was really amusing seeing someone like Harry being so upset by baby vomit.
"This kid really doesn't like me, huh." he mumbles to himself as he wipes his black t-shirt off.
"He's a baby, it's what they do. Besides, I actually think he likes you. He's always smiling when you're with him." I state.
Harry sighs and walks up to Elijah and I. Elijah immediately bursts into a belly laugh when Harry approaches and reaches out for him.
"See?" I smile.
I look at Harry's eyes and I could've sworn I saw a glimpse of joy flash across them as he looked down at the baby.
"I'm still pissed that you puked on me." he says to Elijah, as if he could respond.
"Well, you'll get used to it when we have our own kids and they're puking on you on a daily basis." I laugh.
It took me a moment to realize what I had said...and when Harry didn't respond, I look up with wide eyes of regret.
My eyes meet his. His face had fallen and he was just looking at me. "Harry, I-"
"You know I don't want kids." he interrupts, his voice low.
"I know, I just-"
"Why would you even say that?" he cuts me off again.
"I-it was an accident. I didn't mean it." I stutter.
"Okay, obviously you meant it. You wouldn't have said it if you didn't want kids." he argues.
Why was he being such a jerk about this?
"Yeah, you know what? I do want kids. But I know that you don't, and I'd rather be with you." I explain. He was my priority, I wish he'd just open up and see that.
He exhales out of frustration and sits on the couch with his head in his hands. "Now I feel like I'm holding you back." he says.
"Stop." I say.
He opens his mouth to speak again but the front door opens and Eliza and Liam walk through smiling and holding hands.
They notice Harry and I on separate sides of the living room with distressed looks on our faces, making it obvious that we were arguing.
Eliza walks up to me and gives me a forced friendly smile before taking Elijah from me. I knew she felt bad because her and Liam had walked in on me and Harry in a tough position.
"Let's go. We'll see you guys later." Harry says as he grabs my wrist and pulls me out of Eliza's apartment.
It was silent. The elevator ride down was silent. The car ride home was silent. We didn't say a word to each other, and that made me realize that this was something much bigger than I thought.
When we got into my apartment, I was on my last nerve. I couldn't stand the quiet. So, as Harry kicked off his shoes and the door closed, I spoke up.
"What the hell is your problem?" I start, with my voice raised.
"What the hell is my problem?" he scoffs. "My problem, Lydia, is that we want different things and you've obviously thought about having kids with me. You have to realize that it just isn't an option for us!" he shouts.
"Jesus, Harry! Yes, I want kids. But holy shit, we don't have to have any right this second!" I retort. I couldn't believe we were fighting about this right now.
He runs a hand through his hair. "And what makes you think we'd ever be able to have them, huh? Look at our lives, Lydia."
"So because you've chosen this life of crime and danger, I can't become a mother some day." I spit. I was speaking from my heart and not my head at this point. I wasn't processing my words before they came out but I couldn't stop.
He shakes his head with an exhale of a chuckle that was meant to be hurtful. "We're not having kids. That's the life you chose by being with me." he states, making my heart break.
Harry's hurt me before...but not like this. Before it was because of something bigger than us, like the attack...or his year long disappearance.
But that wasn't the case this time. This time, it was him. It was his words. He was the one causing the pain.
We were fine this morning.
No, not fine...
...we were perfect.
I felt tears brim my eyes. I look down at my hands to try and calm myself down, but instead I notice the dainty ring with the pink gem Harry gave me.
"You know what." I mumble, still looking down at the ring and twisting it on my finger as Harry stood tall a few feet away. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I shouldn't have been with you."
I snap my eyes up and look at his face. His features had moved from being tense and clenched to much softer. His eyes had a look of worry.
"What are you saying?" he says.
I knew what I was about to say was the wrong thing...but like I said, I couldn't stop. I was too angry.
"All you've done is put me in danger. And now, it's affecting my future. I want to be a mom someday, Harry. You're ruining it." I say with tears in my eyes.
His eyes widen and he immediately steps toward me, trying to reach out for my hand. "Lyds-"
"Stop!" I yell, backing away. "Don't call me that. Don't touch me." I look back down at the ring and pull it off of my finger. "Just get out!" I throw the piece of jewelry that once meant so much at his chest. He catches it in his hands. "Just get out." I repeat quieter than the last time.
"Don't do this." he says, with his voice breaking inbetween his words.
"Like you said, Harry, you're holding me back. Get out."
His eyes look from me, to the ground. He bites his lower lip as his chin trembles. He quickly brings his hand to his eye and wipes away a tear. He clutches my ring in his hand and turns away without another word.
I was watching him walk away again, just like I was when he was leaving to fight the Phantoms. But this time, it was my fault.
He grabs his shoes and opens the door, then proceeds to walk out, slamming the door behind him.
I let out a breath that I was holding for what felt like forever, and I let my tears fall freely. I fell to my knees as I realized I was alone.
I realized what I had just caused.
All those times that he was there for me when I needed him, all those times he protected me when I felt so unsafe, all the promises he made me...I just threw that away. He loved me so much.
And I loved him.
What have I done...
I immediately stand up and run out of the door, wiping my tears. "Harry!" I yell desperately. But, when I got out, he wasn't there.
He had left just like I told him to.
I stood alone in the empty hallway taking shallow, unsteady breaths as I realized he wasn't going to come back.
I had turned him away just like everyone else in his life had done. I couldn't imagine the hurt he was feeling right now...and it was because of me.
I sank against the wall in the dark hallway. I tucked my knees tightly into my chest and cried until my head hurt.
I ruined everything.
//
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