"Avery!" I hear someone call my name as if I'm underwater. "Avery!" The seat belt is released and hands grab my shoulders, a familiar face appearing in front of me. Nate.
I cry out, my shoulders shaking as he turns me in my seat and pulls me into a hug. "Just breathe, Avery, deep breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth" he coos into my ear, stroking my hair gently as I manage to take deeper breaths. "That's it, good, just keep going. You're okay, you're okay."
Slowly I get my breathing under control, and the tightness in my chess releases. I cry into his shoulder silently. I'm not afraid anymore. Nate's here. He's here and I'm okay. We're okay.
Finally when I'm calm enough, I pull away from him and he kisses my forehead. That's also when I notice another figure standing a little off to the side. Landon. I sniff and dry my face on my sleeve. A tissue paper is thrust in front of me and I take it with shaking fingers, blowing my nose.
"How did you know where I am?" I ask my brother, avoiding Landon's eyes, embarrassed he's witnessing this. "I dropped the phone."
"I got the call and knew something was wrong when I couldn't hear anything in the other end," he says, his face concerned as he looks at me. "You were late and I saw the snow. I figured it might have triggered a new panic attack and so I called Miranda and she said you should've been home already. This is the only place I could think of."
I nod, swallowing a lump in my throat and looking away. I haven't had a panic attack since last winter. I experienced one for the first time a few weeks after the crash when I was put in a car and driven home from the hospital, and another one a week later. I've been purposefully avoiding this part of the road ever since the accident, taking the long way around. I don't know what made me drive here tonight.
"Hey, hey, it's okay" Nate says, rubbing my back. "It's nothing to be embarrassed about."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to drive through here. I just... the snow started falling and I guess I went into autopilot," I explain, getting up with shaky legs. I feel tired all over, everything aching.
"Let's go home" Landon says, offering me a warm smile. "I'll take the Mustang, you take hers," he talks to Nate, who nods.
"Come on," Landon gently steers me around the car to the passenger's side. "Let's get you seated. I'm going to put the seat belt on, is that okay?" I nod, closing my eyes as he leans over me. Click. I concentrate on my breathing, trying not to think about the belt strapping me down. I feel an encouraging squeeze on my right thigh and then the door is closed. Nate sits down on the driver's side, picking up my phone and putting it in his pocket before adjusting the seat.
"Just keep your eyes closed, okay?" I hear my brother say before he starts the engine and pulls off. I nod, squeezing my eyes tightly shut. The drive feels excruciatingly long, but I know in reality it's only about fifteen minutes.
I let out a relieved breath when I feel the car coming to a stop and Nate's seat belt clicking off. He opens mine, too, and I finally open my eyes. We get out of the car in silence, Landon pulling up behind us in the Mustang. He hurries to catch us up on the porch.
"Home sweet home," Nate mumbles as he opens the door.
I'm still feeling shaky and cold, shivering in my sweater. Nate leads me to the living room and sits me down on a couch and wraps a blanket tightly around me. He then starts getting the fireplace going and I just sit there staring at him while he works.
Landon disappears somewhere and a little later appears with a hot cocoa in his hand. He gives it to me and I wrap my cold fingers around the hot mug. He sits down next to me and I close my eyes, taking comfort in the familiar scent of his cologne. Without thinking, I lean my head against his shoulder. I'm so tired. I feel him stiffen for a second but then he relaxes and wraps his arm around me.
When the fire is lit, Nate sits down on my other side and we sit there in silence, watching the flames dance. It's hours later when my eyelids start drooping.
I must have nodded off, because when I next open my eyes, the fire has died out and it's dark. Still night. I'm stretched out on the couch, my cheek resting on something soft but hard. I frown and look up. Oh. I can feel my cheeks beginning to burn. Landon is asleep under me, my head on his chest, his arm and the blanket tightly around me. I crane my neck back to see Nate sleeping on the other end of the couch, sitting down with his head hung back, snoring quietly.
I yawn and curl back against my comfortable human pillow, closing my eyes and falling asleep almost instantly.
---
The second time I open my eyes, light is flooding the room. I'm feeling extremely comfortable and warm, and don't want to move. I want to lay here forever. That is, until I remember where I am. My eyes widen and I sit up fast, hoping he isn't awake. I grimace and peek at him from behind a thick wall of hair, and what do you know? He's wide awake, silently chuckling at my face.
"How long have you been awake?" I demand an answer. My eyes are swollen from all the crying yesterday and I brush my fingers through my hair, self-conscious of what I must look like.
"And hour or so," he smiles lazily. What?
"Why didn't you wake me? Or push me off?" That's what I would've done in his place.
"Well, I tried to move you to get to the bathroom, but you just held on tighter," he smirks, clearly amused. I'm not. I'm horrified. I held on to him? Great. My face begins to heat up.
"Well, you're free now," I shush him off the couch and he goes, a huge smirk on his lips the whole way. I cover my face in my hands and hear a loud snore. I glance at my brother, still heavily asleep, his head back and mouth open. Another snore leaves his throat. I shake my head and start tickling his sides. He wakes almost instantly, jumping up as if his behind is on fire.
I cover my mouth as a giggle escapes it, and he turns around, his eyes narrowed and hands stretched out in front of him, ready to attack. I laugh as his fingers find my sides and try to dig up my armpits.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I gasp between giggles, my eyes tearing up as he continues his attack.
"I don't hear you," he grins evilly.
"I'm sorry!" I manage to yell, trying to fight his hands off but failing.
"Alright, alright," he finally concedes and holds out his hands. I lay there catching my breath for a while, my stomach hurting from all the laughing.
"I'm gone for two minutes and you guys have all the fun without me" Landon shakes his head at us, smiling. Nate and I exchange a look. Landon's smile drops.
"Not what I meant," he hurriedly says, backing up, his hands up for protection. But Nate and I are already jumping at him, running after him as he sprints out of the room and up the stairs. We manage to corner him in his room and wrestle him down to the ground.
"Hold his legs!" I yell, knowing he only has one ticklish spot. Nate holds on to Landon's legs and presses them down while I tickle the bottom of his foot, his legs trying to kick free.
"I give!" he manages to say between laughing fits and we ease off. Nate helps me up and we stand there looking down at Landon, who's breathing hard.
"Truce," he offers.
"Truce," we accept and help him up.
We all decide to ditch school for the day — probably not the greatest idea so close to the midterms — as we had already overslept. We just watch movies the whole day, lounging on the couch. I locate my phone and see I've got three missed calls and sevens texts from Miranda, worried and asking what happened to me. Nate's call last night had alarmed her and no one had remembered to inform her I was fine. I give her a quick call back, explaining what happened and not to worry, I was at home and completely fine now.
Ding dong! the doorbells rings at five in the evening.
"It's probably Sophie" Nate says, getting up. "I called her to tell what happened." He disappears into the foyer.
"I brought dinner" Sophie walks in a few moments later with Nate at her heels, holding a bag of Thai food. My stomach growls loudly.
"Ah, my favorite person in the whole wide world," I get up and take the food from her. She grins and we dig in. She ends up spending the evening with us, much to my delight. I love her and think she's a perfect match for my brother — plus it's nice to have some girl company in the midst of all the testosterone.
"Hey Avery" Nate looks down at his phone. "Aunt Melissa asks if we'll go spend Christmas Day with them?" I tear my gaze from the TV. I haven't even really thought about Christmas. It used to be big at our house; mom was a maniac when it came to holiday decorations; we have boxes and boxes full of the stuff somewhere in storage. I don't know if we'll even put them up this year. It's just not the same this year. Christmas Eve we used to spend at home, just the four of us, and the next day we would go to a dinner hosted by Melissa. All our family would be there.
I swallow the newly formed lump in my throat. "I guess? Do you want to?"
He shrugs, "Beats moping around here."
I nod, agreeing. I guess. I don't know.
"And remember you still have to get a dress to the ball."
Right, the annual Charity Christmas Ball our parents always helped organize. All the proceeds of the event go to families with children living in poverty. It used to be my favorite event of the year, of all the several shindigs, but now... Now nothing is the same anymore.
"Right..." I avoid everyone's gazes, feeling three pairs of eyes drilling into me. "I think I'll just go with one of my old ones." I'm so not in the mood for shopping dresses, especially one to a ball that hurt even thinking about.
"Avery..." Nate's voice is filled with concern.
I bare him a fleeting smile and get up. "It's fine. I'm fine. I have dozens of dresses to choose from." He's about to answer, but I dodge out of the room before he can get a word out.
I make my way to the kitchen and lean against the island, staring out the window. It's still snowing. I sigh and comb a hand through the mess that is my hair. Why does everything have to be this hard for me? Why is it easier to Nate? It's like he's over it, over their deaths... Why can't I be? Why do I still wake up at night screaming, feeling the terror of being trapped, seeing their still bodies, dad's eyes staring into nothing? Why doesn't he? Am I that much weaker?
Frustrated and angry, I slam my fist against the stone table and close my eyes. "Shit," I mutter, my hand aching in pain. But I welcome it, and hit again. And again. It distracts me from the real pain. A hand shoots out as my fist is nearing the table again, fingers tightening around my wrist and stopping it.
"Stop" Landon tells me, his grip like steel. I turn to him, but he doesn't let go. He stared down at me, our eyes connecting. We're inches apart, I know he can hear my heavy breaths. I try to snag my hand free but his hold only tightens.
"Stop," he repeats. His eyes are staring down at mine, his eyebrows drawn together, lips in a tight line. Concern? Not wanting his pity, I use my whole body to break his hold and twist away from him. This time he lets me go.
"It's okay to be angry," I hear his voice, low and raspy. I shut my eyes, holding my fist in my hand, knowing it's going to bruise. I can't get myself to care.
"I'm not angry," I lie through gritted teeth. What does he know, anyway?
"No?" I can hear the disbelief in his voice.
"No."
"Then why did you keep hitting the table?" His voice is reasoning. "Did it attack you or something?" I can imagine the smirk on his face.
I turn around, my face red from anger. At him. At myself. At everyone. Doesn't he realize I just want to be left alone? "Well maybe it did! Hell, why would I even need to explain myself to you of all people? Why the fuck do you even care?" I look at him challengingly, my eyes piercing daggers into him. Who is he to talk to me about hitting inanimate objects? Didn't he just punch a hole through a wall not so long ago?
He doesn't say anything for a moment, just stands there and watches me calmly. Then something flickers in his eyes but it's gone faster than I can decipher it. "You're right, I don't." He turns around and leaves me standing there, my mouth agape.
At least he left me alone, just what I wanted all along. Right? I let out a deep breath and walk to the freezer, digging out the same cold pack I'd just held for Landon a week ago. A week. Feels like a lifetime ago.