We walked side by side along the wide footpath under the gloomy skies and sunless weather. We didn't say anything, yet one shared glance spoke more than any words could have possibly said.
However, stolen glances only went so far, and Aiden and I found ourselves in the place we both most frequently visited, of brown cups and rich black coffee.
Aiden played with the handle of his cup and swirled it around while I sipped on mine for the third time in as many minutes.
The truth is, there was no simple way to start this conversation. I don't think either of us had any idea how to.
"Last night... I felt relieved when you showed up." He began. "Despite everything, you'd decided to stay. And then... you were gone."
I held my breath and rubbed my hands together in my lap, waiting for him to continue.
"I'm not mad that you left, Emma. I couldn't be more thankful for what you did for me, for showing up."
"Why do you bring it up?" I asked faintly.
"I don't want you to leave again."
I turned my head to the people on the sidewalks who locked arms or held hands as they walked by. I thought focusing on them would somehow make this easier.
"You told me that we don't know where we stand with each other." He said. "That if you laid next to me, you weren't sure if I would regret it. Even when I told you I wouldn't, you still left. So, here I am." He exhaled softly. "I want to know where we stand. I need to know what this thing between us is."
"Why does it matter to you?"
He searched my face, perplexed as to why I would have to ask to know the answer.
"Because as much as I hate to admit it... you matter to me."
I sat in silence as I processed his words.
He faced me head-on, never tearing his eyes from mine.
"I know what I want, Emma." He said firmly. "The question is: do you?"
I clasped my mug between my hands and bit down on my lip.
"A few days ago, I received my first ever paycheck... I called William to tell him the good news, but he didn't answer his phone. Then, I thought about telling you. I wanted to tell you, Aiden. I just..."
He sat back. "The phone call."
I half laughed. "Even though it didn't make sense, I still wanted to tell you."
He studied my features carefully.
Maybe it was that he didn't know what to say, or how to say it, but he was quiet.
"Aiden. I want to know the parts of yourself that you hide. Desperately, I want to know you. But I don't think I can..."
His eyes dropped to his hands. "Why?"
"Because I don't know how to be around you and not feel like I am constantly waiting to be told that I'm worthless, or stupid." I ranted, ripping off the band-aid. "Because even when you promise not to say those things, I know who you're capable of being."
He hesitated for a moment. Then when he finally looked at me again, he seemed determined.
"I have never wanted a relationship before." He stated clearly. "I hate the thought of someone getting to know me so profoundly, that I no longer have any secrets. I hate opening up and talking about certain parts of my life! I despise most aspects of a relationship, but I'm willing to do it all if it's with you." He sighed, pushing back his hair. "Believe me, I know who I am capable of being, but it is not who I want to be with you."
"I have found in my experience that people rarely change, Aiden." I almost whispered.
"All I ask is that you believe in me just this once. Please..."
I knew what would happen no matter how much it hurt or how much I wanted what he was offering.
"What would our relationship be like, Aiden? Think about it. You said so yourself, you don't like opening up! How am I supposed to get to know you, if you can't tell me who you are?"
"I don't need to tell you who I am in order to show you." He moved his cup of coffee aside. "You wanted me to prove to you that you can trust me? This is it! I can show you if you just give me a chance."
He knew what my lack of words was telling him.
"If you think that we are better off apart than what we could be together, I will leave. I'll stop trying." His voice hardened. "Tell me to go, Emma."
I could barely hold his stare. I was disorientated, light-headed, and I could merely draw a breath.
"We are better off apart..." I muttered, but I regretted the words as soon as they came out.
And I regretted them even more as I sat there, watching as Aiden accepted my decision and put on the jacket he'd hung on the back of his chair. He ran his slim fingers through his hair again, hesitant to leave, before really doing so.
I sat there even after the door announced his absence and he was gone. I wiped my face a few times, feeling the weight of my lack of sleep rest on my shoulders.
If this was what I wanted, then why did it feel so wrong?
The more I thought – the more I understood – the more time that passed by.
He was probably gone by now. Both him and his obnoxiously loud car.
I knew Aiden to be who everyone else claimed he was. I knew the cold, harsh version of him. Yet, in the rare and peaceful moments we shared, it was as if that version of him didn't exist. That was the version of him I wanted. The one who was playful, attentive, and thoughtful. The one that made me laugh and forget about everything else.
I wanted to be with the real him. Not the version he sold to the rest of the world.
"Dammit," I mumbled under my breath, slipping on my own coat and chasing after him.
The cold reached my cheeks immediately, and the wind whipped my hair. I searched the parking lot. I looked for his car. And I was about to give up when I noticed him standing on the sidewalk, his head low and his arms folded while he leaned against the building.
"Ask me again," I called out to him.
His head rose and his troubled eyes instantly found mine. "What?"
"Ask me to believe in you again," I repeated, louder this time.
He pushed himself off the wall and met halfway. He cupped my face in his large and warm hands.
"Believe in me just this once..." He begged softly.
All I could hear was my heart beating in my ears as I traced the sides of his cheek with my thumb, standing so close that his breath became mine.
At that moment, the world fell away and everything I wanted was in my hands.
With one final uncertain glance, his lips slowly graced mine with a dance. His hands trailed behind my waist and drew me closer so my body curved against his.
Even when I broke the kiss, we didn't pull away.
"If we do this... we need to set conditions."
"Name them."
"I don't want any half-truths, or lies, or misconceptions. I will believe in you if you can promise me that you won't do those things."
"Done." He answered. "But, I have my conditions, too."
I nodded.
"Firstly, I am not a fan of music. Secondly, I loathe hand-holding, and thirdly, I don't do hugs."
"You don't like hugs?"
"Not in the slightest."
"How could you possibly not like them?"
"They're humiliating."
"Hugs are not humiliating! I think they're nice..."
"Please, do not hug me."
I shrugged. "One day, you will ask for a hug and I will repeat these exact words: I told you so."
"Good thing that day will never come, then." He voiced smoothly, smiling.
"I'm confident that with time, you will come to like them, too. Eventually."
He shook his head and rubbed the nape of his neck. "I realize my terms will be different from what you're used to, but can you accept them?"
I smiled, "I can live with them."
"Good." He sighed in relief. "So where do we go from here?"
"I have no idea." I mentioned, "Hopefully somewhere with food."
We both climbed onto his car's thick leather seats and began driving.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid to watch how this all played out.
After all, we were in new, uncharted waters and had no sense of direction.
"So, does your hug rule include cuddling?" I asked him.
"Yes."
"Boy, you're tough..." I swayed my head. "What about music? Why don't you like it?"
He raised his shoulders, braking at the stoplight with a smirk. "I'm a terrible dancer."
"Is that true?" I giggled.
Aiden gave me a quick side glance before speeding up when the light changed colors.
"I guess we'll never know."
"We'll see about that." I hummed.