Depressed
My nerves were going haywire as the taxi got closer and closer to home. Finally we turned on my street and the taxi driver helped me out. I wish Molly was with me but once we left New York, we all got on separate planes home. Good bye was harder than I thought but we said we would have reunions every 6 months at Ana's in Montana. I walked up and mom came out with open arms and tears in her eyes. She hugged me softly to not hurt my side but I still flinched."I'm so glad your home" she smiled. I walked in and little red was the first to hug me and she hugged me hard. She was taller and looked a bit older. She was 8 now, 6 when I left. Before I had left Scarlett's birthday was a month away. I had to catch up for the year I had missed. Adam came and embraced me. As I walked into the living room I saw grandma lana. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and when I turned around I saw Jenna and I couldn't help but return the smile. "I'm so happy your home!" She yelled. I giggled. "Me too" said a voice. I looked up and saw Daniel smiling. He got more handsome and a little taller. "Hi Daniel" "Hi claire" he took me in a swift hug and his warmth melted me. He smelled of cologne and after shave. "Alright well let's eat" said mom. Always eager to start eating. We all sat down and talked about life and Scarlett caught me up at her latest at school. Adam was enrolled in college and was recruited in the army. Jenna had a boyfriend of 8 months, a boy named Nicholas. Mom got a new job at a insurance company and pays a lot better. Daniel was the same. Nothing had changed about him. He had a job and was expected to start school next semester but he was still the same Daniel to me. I liked that.
"Bye thanks for coming" I waved at grandma. I shut the door and only I and my family remained. Scarlett was already asleep and Adam was fixing his new motorcycle. Mom was washing dishes. "I think I'm gonna go to bed already" I said. "Okay, I left your room just as you left it" she said. I hadn't dared walked in my room since I got here. I opened the door slowly. She was right, nothing had been touched. I changed into pajamas and tucked myself in bed. I let my mind wander....
"Come back, Tommy" I said. His hand was slowly being pulled away from mine. "Please!!! Don't go!!" I yelled. "Than come with me" he said softly. "How?" I said. "You know how...." He drifted away.
I know how. I woke up. It was 10 o'clock. I got up and looked in the mirror my eyes looked dark and purple. I looked pale and thin. I had changed completely and no one said anything last night. I was this ugly and Daniel still looked at me like I was the prettiest girl alive. I pulled on a black hoodie and sweat pants. I went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth.
Days began to mold together, I could no longer remember if it was Monday or Wednesday. Night after night I dreamt about Tommy and being reunited with him. I ate little in the morning, my mom would ask what I ate for lunch and I would lie. I don't even remember when I actually ate. The wound was healing but the pain felt fresh. "Claire?" Mom walked in."Claire, you look awful" she came to my side. I shifted to the mirror and saw my face but than it didn't look like my face. I was even paler than before and my eyes were swollen and red and my jaw line was showing like I was a Skelton. "Something isn't right" she said. "We need to go to the hospital" "No, no more drugs, no more death" I said. "Honey look at the way your talking" she said. "I'm fine" I looked away. "I'm gonna call the family doctor" she got up and went to the kitchen. "I'm so stupid!" I said to myself. I grabbed my painted rock and through it at the mirror. It shattered. "Claire?!" Yelled my mom. I ran and locked the door. She began to bang on the door. "Claire let me in this instant!!" "Go away...." I said. I got up and looked at the broken glass on the floor and picked up a piece. "I know how...." I said. I pulled up my sleeve and turned to see my pale wrist. "I don't want to live without him, mom" I said. "Without who?" She said. "Tommy. I can't live in a world where he doesn't exist" I said. "Claire if you're thinking what I think you are, please don't do it" "I have to" I said. I put the pointed edge down on my wrist and slit it. It made a scratch noise that I think my mom heard. "Claire!!!" She yelled. "Adam!! Come quickly" he had come home. But I was focused on the blood dripping from my wrist and laid against my bed. "Claire?!!!" It was Adam and he banged and banged on the door. I began to feel woozy and my eyesight began to blur and I say Tommy looking at me."Come to me, baby" he said. "I am" I smiled. The door busted down and Adam ran to my side. "Claire?!" "Your too late" i slurred and blacked out.
"Claire?" Said a voice. I swear I better be dead and that's Tommy's voice or if I'm once again in a fucking hospital, all hell is breaking lose. I opened my eyes and saw Daniel looking over me. "You're alright" he smiled. I felt anger boil in my stomach like a hot pot of water bubbling and steaming. My face felt hot and I let my anger take the best of me. "I'm suppose to be dead!!!" I yelled. Daniel backed off and a doctor came running along with my mom with shocked faces. I jumped out of my bed and searched for a sharp object. My mom and Daniel were pulled out of the room and I could hear feet running. I saw a vase with flowers and lifted it up and let it shatter on the ground. Two male nurses came in, one with a syringe. I quickly grabbed the biggest piece but before I could do harm, the two men grabbed my arm and I gripped at the glass and warm blood began to show between my fingers. The syringe was stabbed into my neck and I was laid back down on the bed and I slowly fell into darkness.
I left the pills drop down my throat and I took a gulp of water. As if being on house arrest wasn't bad enough but I've been shoving pills every morning and night. I opened up my journal my therapist gave me and began to write, "week 4 4:20 pm". In today's pages I wrote about how horrible last night's nightmare was. It was Tommy calling to me again and I had to try to fight it. "Claire, I made pancakes, why don't you try to eat" mom said from the door. "No thanks I'll have a shake" I said. I heard my moms slow and sad footsteps walk away. I signed my entry and put it away into my drawer. I slipped into denim shorts and a plain black shirt and walked into the kitchen. Scarlett and Adam were eating pancakes and I took out the supplies to make a shake. These days it was hard to swallow food, I instead found a substitute. Fruit shakes. I took out the vanilla protein powder along with strawberries, mangos, banana, berries, and some almonds. I blended it with ice and soy milk. I also took vitamins and fiber tablets with veggies. That was the least I could do to keep myself from dying of starvation. Suicide was becoming less and less of a problem. Once a week I meet with my therapist and we used my dreams as ways to fight the need. It was hard at first, I was on constant watch and many times sedated. But now I was left alone for a couple of hours here and there but of course mom called every hour. Today was the last appointment, my therapist said I was doing much better. Another thing that kept me going was Daniel. He came over a lot usually after school and weekends. Sometimes he even stayed the night, don't worry we haven't done anything. The best weekend was last Saturday, mom had gotten vacation days and asked if I wanted to go but I wasn't in the mood to leave home yet. Her and my siblings left to Seattle for the whole weekend. Mom didn't want me to be by myself so Daniel was on babysitting duty. He slept in the bed with me because it brought me comfort and by some miracle those two nights I didn't have a single nightmare. It's not like I imagined he was Tommy, I knew he was Daniel. I missed him dearly and even though I left him for Tommy, I still loved him. I only hope one day he can love me again or if he does already maybe give me forgiveness. "You ready to go" asked mom getting her keys and purse. I nodded and we got into the car. My therapist worked at home, her name was Regina. I always thought it was a fitting name, strong but beautiful. She was around 35 I believe, she got engaged not too long ago and she invited me to the wedding. When we arrived to her house I got out and I waved my mom away. She was going to do errands while I had my a hour session. "Hello claire" she smiled. Regina was quite beautiful, she was half Puerto Rican and half white. "Hi" I smiled and sat down on the same chair I always sat. A red velvet chair, it was taller than me and smelled of oak. She pulled out her usual notepad and crossed her legs and put on her glasses. "Okay claire, like always, do you have your journal?" I pulled it out of my bag and passed it to her. Regina quickly scanned it and highlighted key parts. "That's very good, claire. You're starting to fight your urge to be with Tommy by doing so in your dreams. But now we want these dreams to stop. You must move on, okay?" She asked. "Okay I responded." It was said easily but I knew it was going to be hard. "Now that you can fight the urge to be with Tommy, I want you to say no. Next time you have a dream like that. Tell him no." Tell Tommy no? I mean.... How could I do that? He's a part of me. "But that means I would never see him again" I said. "Claire, Tommy will always be a part of you but in a healthy way" Deep down I knew she was right. After our discussion, we did our normal routine of pros and cons. She asks me about people or things that could motivate me to stay alive.
"Remember claire you can visit me anytime when you need help" Regina smiled as I began to walk to the door. I hugged her and said thank you in the most sincerest way.
"I don't know what I would have done without you" I said. I thought she was going to cry. My mother was parked in front and I waved goodbye. I got in the car and my mom had the biggest smile on her face.
"What?" I said.
"There's a surprise for you at home" she replied.
I walked into the house and Molly was standing in my living room.
"Oh my god!" I ran up to her and gave her a big hug. She giggled, a sound I missed. I hadn't seen her in a month and a half.
"Hi, claire" she said.
"What are you doing here?" I said excitedly.
"Your mom called and said that you could use some girl time. Ana is on her way right now on her jet. And we called your friend, Jenna."
"Really? That's great" I smiled and turned around and gave my mom a big hug.
"Thank you" I whispered.
"You're welcome, sweetie" Molly and I went into my room.
"So what are the plans?" I asked.
"Well I was thinking clubbing tonight, tomorrow get some breakfast and Ana booked us an all day spa"
"That sounds wonderful!" I was already jumping with excitement.
"When the girls arrive, we are going shopping!" Molly said. We giggled and caught up about my recent breakdown.
"Hello?" Said a familiar feminine voice.
"Ana!" I yelled and ran out and saw her In the hallway and I embraced her with same tight hug.
"Your friend just parked in the driveway" she said. A twinge of excitement settled in my stomach and I went outside to greet Jenna.
"Hi Jenna!" I yelled up and gave her a hug.
"Hey, claire" she replied. We walked in and we gathered our thoughts together for our plan. It was 3 o'clock, Molly said their was a club by the nearby college called The Red Door. It was supposedly a very popular club for college students to go to.
"Well let's go get some sexy dresses!" Said Ana. We all whooped and piled into my car.
6 o'clock.... We just got back from the mall with our hands full. Each of us got a sexy outfit, high heels, and some matching accessories. We had split up at the mall so the search would be faster.
"Okay everyone pull out their outfit" said Jenna.
"Claire first!" Yelled Molly. They sat on the bed and I laid out my bags. The dress I had bought was a white body-con dress that had pieces of lace around, it had a gold belt and long sleeves that had a slit in the middle and were loose. I had picked gold shimmering pumps and long gold star earring with a bit of pink. Molly had gotten a simple strapless black dress showing her curves with white stilettos. Ana had really picked out of her comfort zone. She pulled out a long sleeve red dress with edges of lace and really showing her breasts with black wedges. Finally Jenna had a tight lace mini skirt with a creamy loose top that showed lots of skin with tan pumps.
10 o'clock.... We were finally ready, hair curled and makeup done. We got back in the car and headed for the club. Molly was jumpy and seemed like she was hiding something, so did Jenna. She kept looking over to me and smiling like she was hiding the same thing.
"Okay what's going on?" I asked. Molly turned to me from the front passenger seat like I'm so glad you asked face.
"We have a surprise for you" she grinned.
"Are you in on this too?" I asked Ana who was concentrated on driving.
"Nope, I'm just the designated driver" but she had a slight hint of a smile. We arrived to the club and parked on the far side. Jenna and molly were giggling and I was walking arm in arm with Ana. She was like a motherly figure but a lot more fun and younger. Almost like an older sister who felt extremely responsible for us. We got up to the club that was double doored and it was a bright red color. Go figure. Two bouncers greeted us in and we walked in. The moment we got in the music was loud and it was dark. You could hear people talking. We came into view of the club, it was a sleek club with style and people dancing to the rhythm. We took some seats at the bar.
"Now what's this surprise?" I half yelled towards Jenna.
"You'll see" she smiled. This is going to kill me. We took a shot of vodka, even though we were so under aged except for Ana, no one asked for IDs. This seems to be a repeated thing or the girls know clubs that don't care to card.
"Let's dance" yelled Molly. We all led ourselves to the middle of the dance floor. Instantly we were dancing to the beat just like everyone else. I noticed Molly texting every once in awhile. When I caught her and she looked up, she gave me a wink. Damn surprise. I kept dancing and moments later I felt warm hands on my hips.
"Hi Claire" they said. I turned around, it was Daniel.
"Daniel, oh my god what are you doing here?" I said with a grin.
"Surprise!!" Yelled Jenna and Molly.
"So you're the surprise" I smirked. He shrugged his shoulders and gave me that adorable half smile of his.
"You wanna dance?" He asked. I nodded and turned back around. He kept his warm strong hands around my waist and we danced together to the music. This wasn't the first time Daniel and I danced. Something about him changed when he danced with me. It was more intimate and it made him more.... Well sexual. Daniel has a sweet and caring personality, but when it came to that subject, he was a whole other person. We danced and danced and I had no need to take another drink. The one shot just relaxed me. I didn't want to stop dancing. But at one point we both were tired.
"Want to get some air?" I asked him
"Sure" he grabbed my hand and led me out of the crowd and back out through the double doors. I noticed what he was wearing. He wore a black button up with the sleeves rolled up and dark jeans. The shirt rippled around his muscles. He was strong from constantly working out. Even though he had no interest to do school sports, he went to the gym everyday after school.
"You look very pretty" he said. I guess he was checking me out just as much as I was.
"So how did the girls drag you into this?" I asked.
"They called me up and I agreed because... I've missed you Claire" his voice went from cheery to sad.
"Did you get with anyone while I was gone?" I asked. He shook his head.
"It took a long time to get over the heartbreak but even after I still loved you" he looked at me. I wanted so much to cure his pain. I got close to him and looked him up in the eyes. Thank god for my heels because I didn't have to be half on my toes like I usually had to, to kiss him. He knew my motives. I went in for the kiss and right before I could kiss him, two girls came out laughing out of the double doors. Obviously drunk. It almost seemed to snap me out of the trance and the atmosphere became tense.
"We should go back in" I said.
"Umm... Yeah" Daniel agreed. Even though I desperately wanted to kiss him and much more.
1 o'clock.... The club was starting to slow down and that was cue for us to leave. Jenna was a bit tipsy and laughed at random things.
"Claire, Ana and I are going to take Jenna to the hotel I got us. Can you ask Daniel if it's okay if you go back to you're house to get our bags and meet us back there?" Molly said. The plan was that we were gonna go back to my house and get our bags and change and than go to the hotel but with Jenna tipsy, she needed to sleep. I asked Daniel and he had no problem with that.
The air in the car was heavy and awkward. I sat quietly in the passenger seat and glanced every few times at Daniel. Finally I broke the silence.
"I'm sorry" I said. Two words. I'm sorry. And I meant it.
"For what?" Daniel frowned. I thought maybe he just wanted to hear me say it but he looked baffled. Here it goes.
"I'm sorry for what happened and what you saw in the hall. I'm sorry for being a shitty girlfriend, you didn't deserve that" I put my head down in shame.
"You were never a shitty girlfriend" he smiled.
"Well up until the end, yeah maybe that was shitty" I had to hear that I guess. But he didn't look angry. He looked at me with pity, something I didn't deserve.
"Look Claire, it was almost a year ago. Don't sweat it." He said. Only if he knew the truth. Maybe that's what I needed to do. Confess to how I really feel.
"I still love you" I whispered. A part of me hoped he didn't hear me. By the way his body tensed to my words, he probably did. But it was true. Even when I was madly in love with Tommy, I still thought about Daniel. I let my head drop in shame and stare at my polished nails. The car came to a stop and I thought maybe he was too in shock to keep driving but I looked up and we were in front of my house. I looked up at Daniel and saw that his hands still gripped the steering wheel and he closed his eyes tight. He let out a breathe of air and dropped his hands and turned to face me. I felt like he was staring at me for minutes. But only seconds has passed before he spoke.
"Claire, you hurt me.... You are right I didn't deserve what I saw." That was it, the words I dreaded. Daniel no longer loved me. I felt tears begin to form in my eyes.
"But...." He paused. There's a but? All of a sudden butterflies formed instead.
"I love you too, Clairy" Daniel smiled. My heart swelled in joy. He did love me.
"Well we should probably get your bags"
"Okay" I replied.
I unlocked the door and the house was dark. No cars and no one home. Mom had decided to go to grandmas with scarlet and Adam went to a party with his friends. We walked to my room and all the luggage was right by the door. My outfit felt dirty and heavy on my body all of a sudden. Maybe I'll change now.
"Do you mind if I change first?" I asked.
"Not at all" Daniel replied. I went into my closet and pulled out a long sleeve sweater and a pair of jeans. When I turned around, Daniel had already left my room. I went to reach for my zipper and struggled to take it off. I needed help to get it on, I'm gonna need help to take it off.
"Daniel?" I called out.
"Yeah?"
"Do you mind helping me with the zipper?" He came in from living room. I turned around lifted my hair. I felt his hands on me and I felt warm. He pulled down the zipper slowly and I could feel it down past my waist. I can only imagine that my bra and panties were on full display. I heard his breathe hitched and I could tell he was staring. What should I do? Turn around and kiss him? Drop my dress for a full view? Make him leave and simply say thank you? Before I could react his hand went to my shoulder sleeve and slid it down so my shoulder was naked. I felt him closer to me and he kissed my neck and trailed them down my shoulder. I left out a soft sigh and my legs felt loose like I could no longer support myself. He repeated the process on the other side and I melted. Daniel dropped my dress and I turned around to face him. His eyes burned with desire. I lifted my face to his and my lips met his. That was all I needed. I needed Daniel back in my life.
We parked at the hotel and a bell hop helped with all our bags. I looked at the time and it had been an hour and a half since we had left the club and to my house. I hope the girls aren't waiting up for us. Daniel and I rode up the elevator this time it wasn't awkward, we kept glancing at each other smiling about what happened in my bedroom not too long ago. I swiped the hotel key for room 234, it was empty. I heard voices in the next room.
"Molly?" I heard footsteps and Molly opened the door.
"Hey there you are" she gave me a wink. Wow she already knew what happened. Or maybe she just hoped that happened. I walked in and Jenna was already asleep on one of the beds. There were two beds here and one queen one in my room. They must have set it up so Daniel and I slept in the same bed. Ana was still up.
"Hey sorry I'm late, the bell hop is bringing up our bags" I said.
"No worries" Ana replied. Man did she know too? A knock on the door broke my thoughts. I answered it and it was the bell hop.
"Your bags, ma'am" he said.
"Thank you" I responded. Molly grabbed Jenna's probably to get her out of her clothes. I grabbed the leftover luggage and put it next to the beds.
"Ana do you have 3 dollars?" I asked.
"Uh yeah" she grabbed her purse and shuffled around in it till she pulled at 3 dollars. I walked over to the bell hop and gave him his tip.
"Thank you, have a good night" he said. I closed the door. A sudden feeling of exhaustion hit me.
"Well I'm gonna go to bed, girls. I'll see you the morning" I said.
"Good night"
"Night" I knocked on the door and Daniel opened. I walked in and saw our bags at the foot of the bed. His was already open. When I turned around to look at him, I noticed his shirt was completely unbuttoned and no under shirt. His muscles completely exposed.
"Stare much?" I broke from my gaze and meet Daniel's eyes. He was smiling. He had caught me staring at his abdomen. I felt my cheeks turn light pink.
"Umm... Sorry" I said with a smirk. Daniel walked over to me till his body was so close to mine. He lifted my chin so he had easier access to my lips. Daniel was always a good kisser. Good? More like great. He left my lips and he embraced me in his arms and I could feel every curve of his biceps. Daniel let out a sigh and looked me deep in the eyes.
"I've missed you so much, Claire" he whispered. I didn't know whether or not to say I missed him too because I was with someone else. Instead I lifted myself onto my toes and kissed him deeply. This way he could no longer talk. He pushed me onto the bed and the night was ours like before.