His arms wrapped around my waist. He placed his chin on my shoulder. Nabawasan kahit papaano ang lamig na nararamdaman ko dala ng malamig hangin dito sa Baguio.
"Happy Anniversary," Ali whispered against my ear. His warm breath tickled me.
I giggled. I gazed my eyes away from the beautiful lights in the night sky and turned my head to properly look at him. "Belated Happy Anniversary."
His eyes shined with amusement. It dropped to my lips. He didn't hesitate and dropped a brief kiss on my lips. Brief dahil agad niyang inangat 'yon.
I pouted. "Can you kiss me with tongue, Ali?"
He grunted. He brushed his nose against the tip of mine before pressing a hard and long kiss on the side of my head. He breathed in my scent and squeezed me tight na parang nanggigigil. He didn't grant my request though.
I pouted. Hindi na talaga siya sumusunod sa gusto ko sa ganitong bagay. Lalong lalo na sa pagpunta sa condo unit niya. The first time I was there was also the last time. Tinotoo niya talaga na hindi niya na ako papabalikin.
Ali brought me to Baguio to celebrate our first anniversary. We didn't get to celebrate it properly because we had classes. Kakatapos lang ng semester kahapon kaya ngayon lang kami nabigyan ng pagkakataon na umalis.
Madali siyang pinayagan ng parents ko dahil malaki ang tiwala nila kay Ali. They also can't exactly say no because I didn't ask anything for my birthday except this trip. I just wanna celebrate it with Ali because it's my first—and our first anniversary, after all. It's a very special occassion.
It's just overnight but it's more than enough for me. Blessing in disguise na rin ang hindi namin pagtuloy sa France ngayong summer. For the first time, we won't be spending it in Orleans. My parents declared it as a punishment for my sister. Kung natuloy kami ay baka nasa eroplano na kami ngayon.
We spent the whole day doing the most touristy things. Mula sa pagsakay sa bangka hanggang sa strawberry picking. We made sure to take a lot of pictures!
"Did you have fun?" tanong ni Ali.
Ngumiti ako kahit hindi niya kita at matapos ay tumango.
"Tired?"
My lips pursed. I do feel exhausted. It was fun but also a very long day. Mula sa byahe ay deretso agad kami sa paglilibot.
"A little," I truthfully answered.
I tapped his arm. Nakuha niya ang gusto kong mangyari at lumuwag ang yakap niya sa akin. I twisted my body to face him. Sumandal ako sa wooden railing. Muling humigpit ang pulupot niya sa mga bewang ko.
"Can we cuddle in my room?" I sweetly asked.
I have my room and Ali has his own. I was honestly excited when he said we'll be spending overnight in Baguio. Akala ko ay makakasama ko siya matulog. I was so disappointed when we were given two room keys. I pouted the whole time but Ali seems to be immune to it now.
Ali gave me a stern look. Una pa lang ay kita ko na hindi siya payag. He raised a brow. "Cuddling only?"
My face heated. Busted.
Ngumuso ako at tumitig sa dibdib niya. He's wearing the hooded two-tone windbreaker that I gave him for his birthday. The color blue green and white suits him. Plus, it matches with mine!
"Kiss din. And... Don't you miss kissing me there?" I pouted more.
Ali grunted and still chuckled, like he already expected to hear something like this from me. "I've created a monster."
"I promise I'll suck you really good until you come," I wholeheartedly vowed.
"Hyon!" Ali violently exclaimed and covered my mouth. Tumingin siya sa paligid kaya pati ako ay napatingin. Wala naman akong napansin na kakaiba. Umungol ulit siya.
"I don't know how can you say something like this and still sound so innocent." Ali brought down his hand and stared at me, looking so problematic. I don't understand.
Ipinulupot ko ang mga braso sa kanyang bewang. I placed my chin on his lower chest. Iyon kasi ang abot ko dahil masyado siyang matangkad.
"I love you, Ali. Kahit cuddle lang. Payag ka na, please?" I asked.
Pumungay ang mga mata ni Ali. He swallowed hard and bit his lip. "Fine, baby. Just cuddle, okay?"
I enthusiastically nodded and broke the hug to raise my hand to honor my promise. "Promise!"
Ali smiled. He looked so amused. He pinched my nose and pulled me back to him for a hug.
Natupad ang gusto kong mangyari. Matapos ang dinner ay sa room ko kami dumiretso. Ali turned on the television and switched it to Netflix. Namili siya ng papanoorin habang ako naman ay pumunta ng banyo para makapagbihis ng pantulog.
I wore the silver gray satin pajama that Ate L gave me as a birthday gift. It's a cami top and shorts. Medyo fit nga sa dibdib pero ito ang bagong sleep wear ko, kaya ito na lang ang dinala ko.
When I got out of the bathroom, Ali was comfortably lying on the bed. His left arm was folded under his head like a pillow while the other is busy with the remote. He's not wearing his windbreaker and shoes anymore, but he's still left with his black t-shirt and pants.
I closed the door behind me. It made Ali look at my direction. I cutely smiled at him. Ali gazed at me from head to toe and then heavily sighed.
"What are we going to watch?" I asked as I walked towards the bed. Pinanood niya akong gumapang patungo sa pwesto niya.
I happily plopped down right beside him. His lips puckered. When he realized I wasn't going to move anymore, he carried me closer to him. Hiniga niya ako sa dibdib niya at siniguradong nagdidikit ang mga binti naming dalawa. His arm wrapped around my back to keep me in place.
Lumaki ang ngiti ko. Mas gusto ko pala ang posisyon namin na ganito. I gently placed my arm over his stomach. He didn't even bat an eye. We've been a year together but it still surprises me that I can do this intimate thing with Ali. Parang kahapon lang, nilinis niya ang kamay ko mula sa pagkakadapa at tinali ang sintas ko.
"Ali..." I called in a small voice. I raised my head to look at him. He was preoccupied with navigating Netflix.
Lumingon siya sa akin. Mapungay ang mga mata. "Hmm, baby?"
"I love you," I softly murmured.
Ali bit his lower lip until the smile took over his face. He took an effort to inch his face closer and plant a sweet and soft kiss on my lips. "I'm so in love with you."
Ngumiti ako at siniksik ang mukha sa dibdib niya. Itinulak naman ako ni Ali palapit at matapos ay humalik sa ibabaw ng ulo ko.
Today is the longest we've spent together. Mula madaling araw hanggang sa pagtulog. Madalas kasi ay ilang oras lang at para lang kumain sa labas. O 'di kaya ay bibisita siya sa bahay ng hapon at uuwi rin matapos ang dinner. We'll either watch movies or he'll help me with my school works.
In the middle of the movie, my phone pinged a message. It might be my mom, so I blindly searched on the bed behind me. Ali noticed what I was doing. Siya na mismo ang kumuha ng phone at inabot sa akin.
"Thank you." I happily pressed a kiss on his cheek and unlocked the phone. Ibinaba ko 'yon nang kaunti para hindi siya ma-distract mula sa pinapanood.
I read Atticus' name and just like that my happy bubble popped. Napalunok ako at nagdalawang isip sa pagbukas.
"What's wrong?" Ali asked. I don't know how he knew but he just did. He always do.
"It's Atticus," I answered and opened the text.
Atticus Santiesteban:
Hey. I miss you. Hang out tom?
Hyon Alexandria Serrano:
Sorry, Atti. Can't. I'm not in Manila right now.
Agad ang naging sagot niya.
Atticus Santiesteban:
Huh? Where are you? Hindi kayo natuloy sa France 'di ba?
Kapag nagpatuloy pa siya ng tanong ay paniguradong mauungkat pati ang kasama ko.
Hyon Alexandria Serrano:
Yup. I'm in Baguio. Gonna sleep now. Goodnight!
Atticus Santiesteban:
Okay. Goodnight. Miss you.
Ibinaba ko ang phone. An ugly feeling crawled in my chest. Guilt. I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling this way? My eyes heated.
It's been like this for a year. Atticus and I are still friends. Ali and Atticus are still not okay. We're still hiding the fact that we're together around him.
It's exhausting to be happy but not truly and freely happy. The guilt feels like a shackle around my neck that bites me whenever I try to make a move.
I never tried to talk to Atticus about it again because I was scared that it will set him off. Ali tried to talk to his brother but according to him, Atticus is acting like he doesn't exist. Isang beses na pinilit niyang kausapin siya nito nung pasko ay nauwi lang sa away.
He didn't give me the whole story because I know he doesn't want me to worry but I know that his mother asked him to give way again because he's the older one.
Ali heavily sighed, interrupting my thoughts. He used his arm that he was using as a pillow and pulled me closer to him for an embrace. His hand brushed my arm until it reached my hand. His thumb brushed the ring that he gave me last year.
Inangat niya ang kamay ko. Umangat ang tingin ko sa kanya. His eyes were on me as he pressed a kiss on the ring. "I love you."
The clouds of worry looming over my head got blown by his words. My lips stretched into a smile. I brought my hand down. Itinukod ko 'yon sa dibib niya at inabot ang kanyang mga labi para sa isang malalim na halik.
His arm snaked around my back and he answered my kisses. And I knew... that it will only be Ali for me. Always.
It doesn't matter if we can't be free. As long as he loves me, I'll be happy and no one can take my happiness from me.
"Hyon," Ali whispered in between our kissed. His hands gripped on my shoulder as if he meant to push me away but he couldn't.
I tilted my head to kiss him deeper. My tongue delved with his.
"Hyon..."
"Hyon!" a different voice shouted my name, pulling me out of my own mind.
"What the fuck? It's raining!" the voice crudely added.
Tumingala ako sa taas at napapikit nang pumatak ang mga ulan sa mga mata ko. Doon ko lang naramdaman ang pagkabasa ng aking mukha at katawan.
I shivered. My barely there spgahetti strapped dress is too short and thin to protect me from the cold rain.
"Shit," the same voice uttered. I felt a jacket wrap over my shoulder. It was slightly useless though 'cos the jacket was already drenched, too. "Bakit ka tumakbo?"
Hindi ako sumagot. Nanatiling nakatingala at tinitingnan ang madilim na kalangitan.
"If you think what happened was a mistake, it's fine, but it's raining and if you stay here, you'll get sick."
I flinched at what he said. It was all too damiliar. My head snapped at the person in front of me.
My vision was blurry. I blinked. My heart stopped when and I saw Ali. I blinked again and my heart dropped when I saw Orion instead.
Nanikip ang dibdib ko. My eyes pooled with liquid and it's not rain drops. My eyes dropped to his chest and I felt the crack in my heart.
"I can't be with Ali anymore," I whispered to myself.
"Huh?"
"It's been two years and I know... I know I can't be with him anymore."
"Hyon, you're making zero sense. Sumilong muna tayo-" Hinawakan niya ang siko ko pero agad ko 'yon hinawi. The jacket on my shoulder fell to the ground.
"No!" I screamed out. My tears mixed with the rain drops streaming on my face.
"No," I cried out. I sound like death. "He's gone. He's gone because of me."
"Hyon," Orion weakly called.
I closed my eyes. My heart was breaking over and over again. It's been bleeding for two years. It never stopped. It's a surprise that it never ran out of blood. Maybe it will only stop breaking if I die.
My sobs became louder. I couldn't stop it. My knees felt too weak. Hindi ko na magawang tumayo pa kaya unti-unti na akong bumagsak sa lupa. I heard him curse but I just cried and stared at the wet ground. The rain never stopped.
"It's my fault," I clamored. "It's all my fault. It's my fault," paulit-ulit ko 'yong sinabi, walang tigil. Sa isip ay nag-iiba ang naririnig na boses.
I shook my head. Arms wrapped around my shoulder and I was pulled closer to a body. My face planted on a chest. It was meant to give me some warmth but all I feel is cold.
I bawled harder. "He's dead... and it's all my fault."