I'm sorry about your loss.
What was the supposed to mean?
How are you holding up?
I'm here to talk if you need.
I'm so sorry.
We're all here for you.
What the heck were these peoples going on about? Nothing had happened to me. How did these people even get my number?
I texted someone back.
What's going on? Who died? I asked jokingly. What could have possibly happened to cause this much of an uproar in sudden friends?
Finally, the random person I texted, texted me back. You don't know? Turn on the news. I didn't know what to do so I shrugged and clicked onto the news app on my TV. Jaydon had gotten that for me too.
He was sorta like a technological mastermind. Which was not the point. I watched the pretty blond woman on the screen talk about the rising and falling in stock markets ever since around eight in the morning. I groaned and leaned my head back.
Maybe this was all some mass prank. Then a red screen flashed up on the TV and a darker skinned man popped up on the screen.
"Today, a horrible crime was committed. Four hours ago, neighbors went to check the screaming. What they found made them call the Police, who got their too late. All of New York is in shock at the grisly sight. Children may need to leave the room for this." The guy said dramatically, then gestured to the screen.
I had a really bad feeling about this.
"Friends and family say they had no idea what was happening. No one did until it was too late. And by the time it was too late, beloved Kasey Williams was dead."
What?
This was a joke.
A prank.
Kas?
Huh?
Not possible.
Not possible.
Not possible.
Muted noises came from over the speakers, but I could barely hear it.
"...Neighbors heard the screaming and called the Police, who then entered the home of Detective Williams and his sixteen year old daughter, Kasey. There were signs of a struggle, says Detective Chandler, a homicide detective. Kasey, according to the coroner we spoke to, also showed signs of incredible abuse. As said, children should probably leave the room." The camera was live right outside of Kasey's home.
I had been there a couple weeks ago.
How?
How?
How?
"I'm Briana Plies, reporting from right outside of Kasey Williams's house. Her father, apparently an alcoholic, had been beating her for years. The domestic violence went unreported for years. Kasey's mother, Katherine Williams, said that her husband was completely innocent and that Kasey was doing something wrong at the time."
The screen threw up a picture of Kasey. It was her yearbook picture. She looked so happy.
Not possible.
Not possible.
Not possible.
"The corner also said that the teen died of a Rupture Brain Aneurysm. The neighbors said they heard crashing, almost like the smashing of plates the night before they called the cops. The officers in charge are saying that it's most likely that the seventeen year old died from a plate crashing on her head, one too many times." The screen blinked black.
I didn't even feel myself move.
Things were going fuzzy. It looked like the world was going grey.
My best friend.
My best friend.
Not possible.
Not possible.
Not possible.
Why her? She said her father never hit her too badly. Why her?
I knew, somewhere in the back of my mind, that her death was a mercy to her. Take her away from all her pain and suffering. Take her away from all the hunger, the loneliness, the pain.
But what about me? The selfish, self absorbed part of me wanted to know. What about me? What was I going to do now?
I had no one.
It couldn't have been possible.
It just couldn't have been.
It couldn't.
I didn't even realize that I hadn't started crying. I didn't realize that with that thought, tears slowly fell from my eyes. I touched the drops with cold fingers. I didn't realize I was trembling.
Not possible.
Not possible.
Not possible.
I wanted to scream and cry and demand she come back. Or at least tell me why she couldn't stay. She could have stayed with me. She could have stayed anywhere. As long as she stayed.
But it wasn't really her choice, was it?
Maybe it was. Maybe she could have fought back or told someone.
Who was I to talk?
I stuffed my balled fists into my mouth to hold in the agonized wail of pain. My heart, what was left of its tiny fragments, had been reduced to ashes. There would be no getting better for me.
There would be no worse pain.
Lila. I could talk to Lila about everything. She would know how to make me feel better. And the boys. They could make me feel better. They always made me feel better.
Lila...
She told me to take the day off of school. She looked panicked this morning.
She already knew.
She knew Kas and I were like sisters. She couldn't find it in herself to tell me? Tell me that my best friend in the world was dead?
I knew that she didn't mean to break my heart, that it was the last thing she wanted, but I wanted to lash out. I was so angry. So damn angry. God, I wanted to claw out my own hair. God, I wanted to scream until I went hoarse.
But I couldn't.
So, I made my way downstairs. There were tense whispers rising up to greet me.
"We can't just not tell her. She's got to go back to school at some point." Nathaniel hissed. Someone shushed him. It didn't matter. Volume didn't matter.
Kas was dead.
Dead. Gone. Forever.
The boys knew. They knew and they didn't tell me. How could they betray me like that?
"She's going to wondering why Kas hasn't texted her back." Lucas said. They weren't being very loud, but it was like every word stabbed me in the heart and then echoed through my brain. Their words were like pins were being shoved inside all the beautiful memories I had of the boys and I, until I couldn't even think.
Why did it hurt so much?
How could something like this hurt so much?
How could this physically hurt me?
It felt like I was being torn to shreds.
"You didn't tell me." The whisper rose from my lips before I could stop it. I was standing at the bottom of the stairs, staring at the ground. I couldn't bare to look at any of them. They hadn't told me.
I heard them all turn to look at me, heard their feet come closer to me.
"Ari, we didn't want to-" Jaydon started, knowing either he, Kade, or Xavier were the ones I was more likely to listen to. Little did he know that I wasn't willing to listen to anyone.
Not even myself.
"I had to find out through a bunch of people I don't know, and I don't like, that had to send me hundreds of condolences for me to find out. Then I had to watch the news to get the full story." I said, licking my dry lips.
Not a sound.
Then, Kade said "Ariel, listen to us. We know how close you and Kas were-" I couldn't help but cut him off. I instantly smacked my hands against my ears, cowering away from the words.
"She's not gone, she's not gone, she's not gone. We aren't just close; we're sisters. She's not gone. It's not possible. Not possible, not possible." I whimpered, tears rolling down my face. My eyes were clamped shut, my teeth grinding together, my hands firmly planted on the sides of my head, covering my ears.
"Oh, sweetie." Lila started towards me. I flinched away from her, knowing what she was going to try and do.
"Don't touch me." I snarled. I opened my eyes and pinned her with a glare that could have had my father shuddering. "Don't you dare touch me." I hissed.
"Ariel, wait a second!" Lila called. I had started up the stairs, thankful I could go days without ever actually leaving my room. I wasn't planning on leaving till I was about to die from hunger, seeing as how I had a bathroom attached to my room.
"No. Don't you come near me." I hissed, betrayal leaking into my voice. I could hear the tremble in my voice. It wouldn't be long till another break down. What was I going to do?
Oh God, oh God, oh God.
This wasn't happening.
This couldn't be happening.
The door slammed behind me, and I quickly locked the door. The house could have been on fire, but I wouldn't have even tried to leave.
I would let the flames swallow me whole.
It would have been more peaceful than this pain.
This suffocating, heart wrenching, soul crushing pain. And oh God! It wasn't going away!
Why couldn't I just not feel anymore?
I looked towards my bathroom, then headed towards it. I didn't ever want to start back up with that nasty habit, but I couldn't help myself.
I knew it was wrong to do this to Kas's memory. She would have wanted me to fight. She would have wanted me to be strong. But without her there really wasn't anyone who knew just how strong I had to be all the time.
Jaydon knew a little, but he had never experienced anything close to what I had been through.
I jerked my pants down and sat on the toilet seat, holding a razor I neatly and quickly disassembled. This was going to make me feel better.
The relief settled in the pit of my stomach. Then it faded. Again and again. The relief settled and then went away, just as swiftly as it came.
I pulled my pants back up, sobbing at the thoughts filling my head. Sobbing at the thought of never seeing my best friend again. Never talking to her again.
For months it was almost like I was normal. And then it came crashing down.
And then I was laying on my bed.
And my eyes were pouring oceans. And I realized something that made my crying stop for a minute.
Carter wasn't the one with the ocean eyes. Sure, with the green and blue swirling in his eyes like the ocean currents, he looked like the perfect candidate for the spot. But I was the one with the ocean eyes.
Because I could do nothing but cry salty tears.
And beg.
I begged that once I fell asleep, I would never wake up.