Minho waking up was bittersweet. On one hand, I'd see him again soon, conscious, get to hear his lovely tenor voice. On the other, I had to leave him, trust that he wouldn't spontaneously die while we were apart, wouldn't suddenly decide he didn't want to see me anymore. I missed the sound of a human heart once I was home with my immortal vampire family.
I sat at the piano, played and listened to them flit around. I could hear every step taken, word spoken, temple scratched and finger fidgeting. Chan was in his bedroom, modelling a lab coat in the mirror. Haseong was on the roof, evacuating the chimney — it had become home to a madness of marmots. Felix and Changbin were in their room, clearing furniture out of the way. They were going to attempt an ice skating move called the Detroiter on the slippery wood floor.
I heard Felix's socked feet scuff to a stop, hands tighten around his favourite tiger print chaise lounge. The vision wasn't long enough for me to tap into, and then his mind was locked up tight.
He let out a quiet "Shiiiiiiiiiiit."
Changbin skated over to him. "What happened?"
Felix pressed his finger to his lips, and I heard the air mixing as he pointed downstairs, at the piano, at me. I kept playing.
A minute later, Changbin ambled down the staircase, Felix hoisted high over his head. I guess they were trying to act normal, too.
"Going hunting, don't wait up," said Felix.
I swivelled on the bench to face them. "It's seven thirty, we have to go to school soon."
"Can a guy get the munchies without being probed please?"
I tried to read his odd mind. All I saw was a cluster of small holes — I flinched and nearly fell off the bench.
"Christ, Felix, you know I have trypophobia!" I was trying not to gag.
"Only way I could keep you outta my head, big bro."
"You saw something, what was it?"
He flapped his arms. "Step on it, babe."
Changbin marched toward the door. I ran after them.
"Was it about Minho?" I said.
"Maybe," Felix replied.
"Is something bad gonna happen in the meadow?"
"Not that. Look, I don't wanna get involved anymore. I don't wanna disrupt, y'know, time and space and shit."
"When has that ever stopped you before?"
"It's one thing to advise you on how to make a situation less awkward, less dangerous, etcetera." He dismounted, somersaulted and walked backward to talk to me. "But this is just screwing with the universe. If I told you, you'd wanna do something to prevent it, and I don't think — as a responsible seer — it would be a good idea to give you the means to do that."
"If I'd wanna prevent it, doesn't that mean it should be prevented?"
"Trust me, it's not that bad."
"But you won't tell me."
"Because you're gonna think it's bad."
"At least tell me when it'll happen."
"Today."
"And now tell me what it is."
"Zip-zip-zip." Felix locked his lips and gave the key to Changbin. He tossed it over his shoulder. "Go have a good day with Minho. Loosen up. Enjoy the ride, smell the pretty flowers. Think about what really matters. Practice patience. Be accommodating. And openminded."
"I feel like you're trying to tell me something."
Felix rolled his eyes. "See you later." The two of them darted into the forest without a trace. I didn't follow. I was thoroughly freaked out.
I booked it for the garage, plowed down the driveway and toward Minho's house.
~ * ~
I couldn't be sure, but I suspected Minho had been waiting for me. It was barely five seconds after I parked that he was skipping down the steps, a big smile on his face.
He swung into the passenger seat. "Hey."
The anxiety faded out of focus. "Hey."
"Guess what happened."
The anxiety was back. Did his news have anything to do with Felix's vision? I pulled into the street, trying to hide a grimace.
"What happened?"
"I came out to my dad."
I was more than a little relieved. For Minho's freedom — however much freedom he had gained from his talk with Charlie — plus, maybe he had mentioned me, where we'd be in a few days.
"That's awesome!" I held out my hand and he slapped it. "How'd it happen?"
"Apparently there are rumours going around about me." He was proud. Weirdo.
"I've heard those."
"You what?"
"'Chief Swan's kid is gay' — that kind of thing." I left out all the scary, ugly ones, the cruel words and thoughts.
"Well, Charlie heard one of them." Minho's eyes crept in my direction, his lips turned up. "Are you a part of the rumours?"
"Some. Those are localized at school."
"Charlie didn't seem to know about you" — another quick smile — "but he was asking if I had a boyfriend."
Act natural, act natural, control your squeaky voice. "What did you tell him?"
"I said I had a 'something, but I don't think he's a date.' Happy?"
"Maybe. Did you tell him about Seattle?"
"No, not yet."
"It has to be some time, I'm begging you."
"We'll see what happens."
"Or you could just do it."
"Or I could just not."
"Minho."
"Look, I'll think about it. I need to think it through."
"Fine." I smiled a wicked smile. "I'm glad you finally understand Port Angeles wasn't a date."
"No, I said you weren't a date. I'm still pretty sure that was a date."
"You're incorrigible."
"You're in denial."
It was annoying how we were both right.
We got out of the car and headed for his first class.
"We're gonna start dating at some point, you know," he said.
"We will not."
"Here's why I think we will."
"Don't list."
"I'm gonna list." He took a big suck of air. "One, you said you think about me all night, every night. That leads me to believe you like me."
Whatever animal blood I had in me rushed to my cheeks. I don't think he noticed my face.
"Two, you said I was cute."
"You are cute, anyone can see that."
"Literally nobody's ever called me cute before — not even my mother."
Jesus Christ, Jisung.
"Three, you watch me sleep at night."
"You asked me to do that."
"And you were very willing from the get-go."
How could I deny that I loved our nights — semi-together and peaceful? I pressed my lips into a line.
"Four, we apparently hang out every day now."
"You coerced me into that, too!"
"Then stop following me around!"
I obviously wasn't going to do that. "No."
"Should I continue?"
I looked at him — my anchor — and prepared to reject him. "That all happened, but we are not dating, nor will we date in the future."
He was about to speak, but the bell rang. I wasn't sure if I was saved by the bell or if the bell just delayed something bigger.
"We're continuing this later," he said.
Yeah, thought so.
Class was inconsequential.
I met him outside of English, and he was talking before I said hello.
"So we aren't dating and never will, but you said I'm cute and think about me all the time."
"Can't we spend time together without putting labels on it?"
"But I want to put labels on it," he pouted.
"I want to hang out with you. I dunno if I can call it dating."
"So you want to do all the dating stuff without calling it dating."
"I want to leave your options open."
He squawked a laugh, startling six passersby and myself.
"That's insane," he said.
I stopped abruptly at his Spanish class. He walked back to me.
"I... want to be your friend," I said.
"I honestly don't think that's true."
My mouth detached from my brain. "It's not true. I want more but it's not that simple." It was a blur of words, tumbling out of my mouth.
He blinked, bottom lip lifting, and moved closer. "Is it vampire-related?" he whispered.
"Isn't everything? I can't get close to humans without putting them in danger. It could cause problems for my family as well. I've already broken so many rules by telling you about me — about what I am."
He wrinkled his nose. Then he noticed we were outside his class, and he wrinkled his nose at the door as well.
"See you soon," he threatened.
I nodded and spun on my heels. I couldn't pay attention in class. This was what Felix had seen, wasn't it? It was bad, I did want to prevent it. I mulled over all the possible ways I could backtrack once I saw Minho again.
I met him after his class. Every strategy I had come up with disappeared — I didn't speak, and he didn't, either. We made it to Trig in silence.
He looked at me, opened his mouth and didn't say anything. I waited to make sure he was totally speechless before I puked words all over him.
"I'm so sorry for leading you on, Minho. You make me happy, and I wasn't thinking about anything but that fact. I was being selfish. I'm really sorry."
He blinked at me, looking annoyed and confused and angry and unhappy all at once. His teacher called him before he had the chance to respond.
"Lunch?" he said.
"Of course." I couldn't make myself smile — how could I deceive him in that way as well?
He pivoted into his classroom and I headed toward mine, unaware of my surroundings. My thoughts were focussed on Minho. I clung to the sound of his heart until it was out of earshot.
I sat in Spanish, whimpered and dropped my forehead onto my desk.
Good, Changbin thought beside me. You're not... totally malfunctioning.
"How could Felix not tell me about this?" I whispered.
Because it's not — what'd he say? — pertinent to the matter at large.
"It's pertinent to me."
None of us have any clue why you don't just date the guy. Yeah, it'll be terrible if the Volturi find out about... him, but dating him won't make it any worse. Just be his boyfriend. Do it so we can stop talking about it.
"I don't want to... promise him that. I don't want to get too close."
But he wants you close. Doesn't that tell ya something, Jisung?
"It..." I banged my head on the desk. "Shit."
The thing was — it did tell me something. I had believed overarching, unsolvable vampire problems were what kept us apart, not me, not what I felt. But I was starting to realize... it was me. If Minho wanted me as his boyfriend, why couldn't I give that to him? What was stopping me from getting closer?
I ran to Trigonometry — literally ran. I needed to see him.
He barrelled out the door and almost crashed into me. We both clambered back — four eyes wide and one heart racing. One of us started to smile and the other followed suit. I'd missed his smile in the time I hadn't seen it. More than missed it — I had felt homesick.
We headed to the cafeteria and got settled in our usual spot, facing each other over the table.
He was staring at the laminate, silent, but then he looked up and said my name. He dropped his eyes again.
"Jisung, can we... be together?"
My first instinct was to tell him no. A voice in my head demanded Why no? Why? as if it was speaking on Minho's behalf.
I didn't have an answer. Not a clear one.
And then the truth crept into my mind like a shadow into light. Humans die. Minho would die, not any time soon — not if I could keep myself under control — but it was inevitable. I was afraid to lose him, afraid that letting him in would make it even more unbearable once he was taken from me.
Shame fell heavy on my shoulders.
It was just fear.
I hid my face in my hands. I couldn't look at him. He shouldn't have to look at me.
I didn't know how much time had passed before Minho spoke. "Talk to me. What are you thinking?"
I dropped my arms on the table, looked up at him. "I'm thinking about the repercussions of... letting you in."
"Let me in," he said.
"I want to. You have to believe me — it's what I want. More than anything."
"Not more than I want it."
It was tragic and hilarious, how wrong he was. "No, Minho. Not more than me."
He was quiet for a moment.
"I know what I want." His voice was resolute, it didn't waver. "I want you, and I know you want me, too. You figure out your vampire stuff and I'll wait for you."
Despite all my mistakes, my faults and screwups and evils, he wanted me. He would wait for me. He was telling me exactly what to do. All I could do was follow, right? Wasn't he my compass? How could I keep running in one direction when he was telling me the opposite?
"All right," I said. The two words didn't seem like enough. "And I'm sorry. For everything."
"It's okay."
"I will think about it — us."
He grumbled "Hurry" under his breath.
Where the hell is Minho? It was Mike Newton's voice. I wonder if Jisung Han's sacrificed him to Satan yet.
Shit. "Biology."
Minho flinched, grabbed his bag and ran for the door. I followed.
~ * ~
I was really curious. It was dangerous and idiotic but — God — I was curious. On the list of stupid questions to ask after a day like today, this question was within the top ten. Keep your mouth shut, keep it shut.
Minho had been looking out the window, watching the houses fly by, but now he turned and met my eyes. He must have sensed me staring at him.
He made a small harrumph-sound in the back of his throat. "What?"
"It's dumb and possibly problematic."
He shifted toward me in his seat and waited.
"Um. I" — I swallowed — "couldn't help but wonder with, you know, what happened today... um, tell me about your romantic past. If you want."
He sucked his lips into his mouth. "Uh. Yeah. I don't really have one."
"No relationships?"
"Compulsory heterosexual middle school girlfriend? Yeah, I had one of those but I don't think they count." He blew out a breath. "I kissed someone once. Spin the bottle — I was at a sleepover with a bunch of 'friends.' Bad kiss, good snacks, I went home at, like, nine p.m."
It didn't surprise me that he had a not-so-sordid romantic past. I was about to ask him to elaborate on the sleepover story, but he spoke first.
"What about you? Any ex-boyfriends I should be worried about?"
"Er, no. I've never had any."
"C'mon, you've been alive for a while." He started ticking people off on his fingers. "John Wayne? Charlie Chaplin? JFK?"
I laughed. "Do you even know who you're talking about?"
"Not really." He laughed, too, and shrugged his shoulders.
At this point, I had circled his block too many times. I pulled into his driveway and turned off the car.
"Thanks for the ride and stuff." He kept his eyes on his backpack as he pulled it into his lap. "Can we do this tomorrow, too?"
"If that's okay with you."
He looked at me, eyes narrowed, like he wanted to say something. He decided against it.
"Bye," he said.
"Bye, Minho."
~ * ~
When I got home, I felt like a bag of sand. I sank into a lawn chair, looking out over the yard.
Obviously I was thinking about it — the dilemma Minho had posed. It was hard to surrender to the fact that this was a turning point. I liked the way things were, they weren't perfect, but they were better than they'd ever been. Was it so bad to want to cling to that?
My brothers wafted in and out of the house, none particularly interested in whatever was eating at me this time. Haseong came home covered in molasses — I didn't ask — and Hyunjin introduced me to his new pet marmot, Mr. Rabies.
"Nice to meet you," I mumbled, looking into the creature's oddly knowing eyes.
Hyunjin sat in the chair next to me. "Have a good day today?"
"Uh. Kind of."
"Wasn't your lord and saviour Minho there with you?"
"He was. It's complicated."
He shrugged and sighed, scritching Mr. Rabies behind the ear. Hyunjin's face was strange — unhappy.
"What's going on, big bird?" I said.
"I'm just... in the middle of a thing. Haseong says I can't keep Mr. Rabies. I'm wondering if I should let him go now so I don't get too attached to him. It'll hurt more when I have to leave him later, you know? But on the other hand, if we're together now, why don't we just make the best of it? Then we can go on knowing that we made each other's lives better." He looked down at the animal and spoke in a baby-voice. "Yes, we did! Yes, we did!"
I swallowed, hugging my arms around my stomach. "That's... interesting. I was thinking about something similar."
Hyunjin's eyebrows popped up. "You got a marmot, too?"
"Uh, no. What're you gonna do?"
"When it comes down to it, it's pretty clear." He got up, his new friend cradled safely in his arms. "We're off to Paris. I wanna show Mr. Rabies the world before we have to say goodbye. He deserves nothing less."
He headed down the front steps. I couldn't believe I was taking Hyunjin and his marmot as an analogy for me and Minho. Minho would find that hysterical.
Chan strode up the driveway, passed Hyunjin and continued toward the house. He stopped a second later and turned around.
Wait. That's not normal.
"It's a marmot," I said.
I figured that, boyo, he thought, hopping up the steps. Good day?
"Sure. Yours?"
Good, good. A cleared case of sciatica, a ruptured spleen. Assisted with a birth. He clicked his tongue. Wouldn't recommend.
"What are you doing now?"
Wondering what this gunk on my shoe is. He poked it and licked his finger. Oh, it's molasses.
"Why would you put it in your mouth?"
Worked out well enough. He ruffled my hair. Tell me if ya want company, I'm all free up.
I had been slouching and half-thinking for hours. Hadn't gotten me anywhere so far. I needed a break, and Chan seemed like a great distraction.
"Yeah, actually, I thought we could work on something new."
Sounds great. Meet ya at the piano. Go find Changbin, too. Don't wanna get our heads bitten off.
Chan and I headed inside and forked off in separate directions. I ventured up another flight of stairs and looked up at the little square hatch to his turret. 'No trespassing' was written on it with marker.
"Yo, dark Changbin!" I yelled, banging on the wall.
Go away!
"Chan and I are gonna work on something new, wanna join?"
His tone immediately changed. Ooh, count me in!
He dropped through the hatch and followed me downstairs. We found Chan sitting at the piano, wearing his favourite wolf hoodie. It was nice to think about simple things like chord progressions, melodies, bugging Chan with random plonks of a high C.
I didn't notice at first that the sun had set. I got up and grabbed my shoes.
"I have to go," I said.
"Have fun," Chan replied brightly.
"Try not to screw it up," Changbin added.
I nodded, shoulders slumped, and headed toward the door. "I'll keep it in mind."
Minho was curled up, asleep, by the time I climbed in his window. I got down on my knees and listened to his heartbeat for a while. To calm myself.
"All right," I whispered too nobody, "time to think."
------------------------------
i figure i have a bit of a platform so i wanted to attach this link in case any of you want to donate to the fires in australia. thinking about how chan and felix are having a hard time with it makes feel terrible :(((
https://www.redcross.org.au/campaigns/disaster-relief-and-recovery-donate
https://www.salvationarmy.org.au/donate/make-a-donation/donate-online/?appeal=disasterappeal
https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-thirsty-koalas-devastated-by-recent-fires
see you in the next chapter <3