This was stupid.
She was being stupid.
No matter how many times she thought it, Nova didn't turn around. No matter how many times she pictured, in vivid detail, what the lord would do if he caught her. Brillan hadn't tied her up in the kitchen the previous evening, being too busy attending to the lord's guests, and she hadn't been able to resist sneaking out after Jeorge had fallen asleep and the last of the household staff had gone to bed.
She had bunched up her chain and clutched it to her chest to stop it rattling. There were still guards patrolling the corridors, but their armour always gave them away long before they'd have a chance of spotting her. They would never hear her first, as long as she kept hold of the chain.
Truth be told, she wasn't entirely clear on where Grace's bedroom was. She knew it would be in one of the communal maids' bunk rooms, but there were several of those for a household this big, and she'd never been down there. Another reason this was a terrible idea. If the wrong person spotted them it could end everything; Grace would be sent away for sure, and Nova could probably count on spending the next month in the cage under the lord's chambers, if not longer.
Her feet were freezing. The whole staff wing of the castle was largely without rugs or carpets, and the braziers burning along the walls barely touched the chill. She wished she'd brought a blanket with her, or wrapped her feet in linens so they didn't hurt so much. All her oldest scars were aching. The cold had burrowed right into her bones.
She reached the maids' quarters, and cursed softly when she found all the doors to the bunkrooms closed. They were heavy things with metal ring handles; they would be noisy, and if one attempt didn't wake anyone up, trying the entire corridor certainly would.
She hesitated, biting her lip, and almost turned around. A noise at the end of the corridor drew her attention and she ducked around a wall as a candle threw light and clear-cut shadows over the doors.
Go inside. Her breath was loud in her ears. Go on.
The intruder didn't go inside. Instead they began to creep towards her, candlelight flickering madly. Nova looked over her shoulder, breath coming faster, trying to calculate a way out, but if she left the shelter of the wall she'd run straight into this person's view. She wasn't exactly an obscure face, either; everybody knew who she was.
This was so stupid.
"Nova?" Grace hissed, appearing around the corner. Nova sagged with relief. In the light of the candle she was holding, Grace looked exhausted. "What are you doing here?"
"How did you know it was me?" Nova scowled. Her heart was pounding; Grace could probably hear it.
"You're hard to miss," Grace retorted. "No one else runs round the castle at night with no shoes on."
"I would have worn shoes if I had some." Nova crossed her arms over her chest and shivered. It was even colder now she'd stopped moving.
"Christ, you must be freezing," Grace muttered, swapping the candle to her other hand and tugging off the blanket around her shoulders.
"Keep it, you'll get cold."
"There's a fire in my room, I'm warm enough."
Nova took the blanket and wrapped it around her. She stiffened as Grace's body heat, the smell of her, wafted into her face. She was being stupid, stupid; the lord had given her the perfect opportunity to stop things getting too far, and she'd gone and sneaked out instead of taking it, all because she couldn't let it end without getting the last word in. She should have just let it burn out by itself.
But she wanted Grace to decide for herself, and it felt good to allow her to tug her back along the corridor, hand feverish-warm against Nova's cold fingers. If the girl was angry that Nova hadn't managed to get in touch with her before now, it didn't show. She wouldn't even admit to herself how relieved she was.
"Won't somebody see us?" Nova murmured, glancing around as Grace fumbled to unlock her door. Nova was glad she hadn't tried any of the other doors now. She didn't have anything to pick the locks with.
"There are only two of us in this one," Grace muttered. The lock clicked into place and she swung the door wide. A waft of warm air greeted them. "And Hetty's gone to have her baby at home. Went into labour yesterday. Scariest damn thing I've ever seen, and I've been dragged through a tunnel by a demon."
Nova snorted. "Not rushing to have children, then?"
Grace smirked. "No. Too much screaming." She shut the door and locked it behind them. "There. No one should bother us now."
There were six beds in the room, three sets of double bunks, but only one wasn't neatly made up. Grace had bagged the bed closest to the small hearth. Clothes were heaped on the footboard, and several pieces of abandoned sewing were strewn over the bedside table. Grace caught her looking at them.
"Sewing bores the daylights out of me," she muttered, "There's just nothing else to do."
Nova, who had spent a miserable few days chained to walls on her own for hours at a time, said nothing. Her only regular company had been Jeorge, and she'd rather have spent more time in her cage than been subjected to him. She drifted closer to the fire, shedding the blanket on Grace's bed, and crouched at the hearth, savouring the warm stone against her tingling feet and the heat on her face. It wasn't nearly as big as the hearth in the kitchens, but it was good enough. Her shuddering slowed. The danger she was putting them both in was a distant concern while she was so comfortable, and the truth she'd come to tell no longer felt so urgent. A private room, for the first time in years. She looked round at a noise behind her and saw Grace pouring out two tumblers of water from a decanter on a nearby table. She was in a nightdress, Nova realised, face flushing. She hadn't noticed in her distraction with not getting caught, but the thin shift really didn't seem like very much at all.
Grace turned with a smile and handed her a drink before settling cross-legged on the hearth beside her. In the light, the bruise-like circles under her eyes became starkly apparent.
"Not sleeping much?" Nova asked, trying to sound offhand. She should have started with what she came to say, but Grace always caused her to make poor choices. There was something about her.
"Not at all, more like." Grace rubbed her eyes with the heels of her palms and sighed. "I saw Jordan the other day."
"Oh?" Nova had too, but she said nothing.
"He's so different," she mumbled. "I don't think he even realises." Nova frowned into the fire as Grace continued. "He's like...distant. Like he's hiding something from me. I can always tell when he's lying, but this is different. He's avoiding something."
"And you don't think he's self-conscious?" Nova muttered, remembering her own encounter with Grace's brother. The shame in his aura had overwhelmed almost everything else.
"About what?"
There was no harm in being honest. "The Gift, I would be willing to bet. People find it uncomfortable to be around, and they can show it without realising."
Grace looked horrified. "Do you think he can tell?"
"Unspoken aren't as good at reading aura as we are," Nova said with a shrug, squashing down a bizarre urge to smooth things over and stop Grace from looking so anguished. "But if it was there to be picked up on, he probably did. Might not have even realised himself."
"Shit." Grace picked at her nails, lower lip trembling. "Oh, shit, now I feel terrible. I just can't help it. It's so strange, especially coming from him." She lowered her voice still further. "Can I be honest? The whole crackling thing is so strong sometimes it makes me feel sick. How am I supposed to tell him that?"
Nova shrugged. "I wouldn't, personally. But it's up to you."
To her horror, Grace had started crying. This was not what she had envisioned when she'd first snuck out. She was supposed to have left by now. Better to not have bothered, better to have stayed in the kitchen where she was supposed to be and slowly driven herself crazy with boredom. At least she knew what to do with that.
She fidgeted, unsure. She might have known what to do, ten years ago when she was someone else, but now it left her nonplussed.
"And then there's the murders," Grace muttered, wiping her nose on a bit of failed sewing.
Nova blinked, then frowned. The lord had been acting strangely ever since their visit to the temple. It wasn't inconceivable that she'd missed things, but this sounded big.
"Murders?" she repeated. "Plural?"
"You haven't heard?" Grace said. "Another Unspoken. They have a culprit this time. They're dead, but...they were caught." Nova stared, mouth slightly open. "I thought you would have known that."
"I should have," Nova muttered. "When did it happen?"
"Couple of nights ago." Grace swallowed. "In the merchants' quarter, too. I hate that Jordan's out there."
A couple of nights, and the lord hadn't called on her to inspect the body. There was something disturbing about that; perhaps he hadn't been as convinced she wasn't involved in Eril's murder as she'd thought he was. He might have someone watching her and she hadn't realised, too distracted by feeling sorry for herself. In which case, this visit wasn't stupid, it was downright suicidal.
"I should go," Nova said.
"Oh, don't!" Grace said, eyes going wide. "I'm really glad you came. Don't go yet."
"If we're caught..." Nova hissed, getting up, but Grace reached up and grasped her wrist. Her arms were strong from hard work. Nova's captivity-weakened limbs were no match for it, but she tried anyway, wincing as the bones in her hand ground together.
"Please," Grace whispered. "The door's locked, no one will find out!"
"And if someone looks for me in the kitchens?" Nova replied. "If Harkenn finds out I lied to him and we actually are in contact, he'll evict you! At the least!" Grace's grip faltered for only a moment, too brief for Nova to pull her hand free. She growled. "Night take me, let go."
"If he kicks me out, you're coming too," Grace said, voice hard. "We'll leave the city together. Jordan could come with us."
"Now you're just being stupid."
"Might be stupid. Doesn't mean I don't mean it."
Nova scoffed. The girl was cracked if she thought there was any use in trying to escape Harkenn. Not a slave. She'd tried time and time again over the first years in the household, and all had failed, all had been brutally punished. And she wasn't so foolish as to believe Grace wouldn't abandon her when things got dire. Everybody did. Why would this girl she barely knew be any exception?
Because she's different, said the tiny, old part of her which was still naively optimistic and which she hadn't managed to strangle into silence yet. No one was different. Everybody realised she wasn't good to be around in the end. Some took longer than others, and Grace was one of them. Hard experience told her it was insanity to convince herself otherwise.
After all, that was why she had come.
"One night," Grace pleaded. "It's the small hours, no one will come looking yet. And if they were going to they would have by now. So you might as well stay. Please, I haven't talked to anyone like this in fucking ages."
Nova knew how that felt; she knew it so well she was already caving. She was in too deep. Way too deep.
"You're going to get us killed," she murmured, but she sat back down. Stupid, stupid.
"Then it's been a pleasure knowing you."
She tried not to smile. She turned her thoughts back to the Unspoken, and it sobered her enough to resist it. "Another one," she murmured. "I don't like it at all. Stinks of some kind of plot."
And I bet I know who's paying for it. The thought of her uncle still nauseated her. She could well imagine him stooping to funding mercenaries skilled enough to kill Unspoken just to gall Harkenn. The treaty signed after the first Annexe War had been dragged from him; she had no doubt that he'd been planning for a second one ever since.
"But who would do it?" Grace said. Her head was resting on Nova's shoulder now, and Nova was trying very hard not to think about it.
"Caelum. My people," Nova muttered. If Grace really hadn't figured it out yet, it would be kinder for both of them to let her down now. Grace had given her the opening she needed. The idea gave her an odd sense of peace. "My uncle never wanted to surrender in the war, but his cabinet forced his hand."
"Your uncle rules it?" Grace asked. "What is Caelum, exactly? Nobody likes talking about it."
Nova snorted. "Not surprised. A few centuries ago, my people arrived here the same way you did. Only it was thousands of us. Refugees from a dying world, fleeing to the first place they were spat out. Harkenn's family was already on the throne. Might have been his grandfather, actually."
"But it can't have been, if it was centuries ago."
"The Harkenns live a long time." Nova offered a humourless smile to the fire. "Nobody knows how long they'd live naturally, because every ruling Harkenn killed his predecessor. Allegedly."
"Oh."
"And Faellian Harkenn, current ruler of Shadow's Reach, has been on the throne for sixty years. I'd put his age at about...ninety-five? Something like that."
"He looks good for ninety-five," Grace said hoarsely. "What is he? He can't be human."
"Kiel knows," Nova muttered. "But he's fucking strong and a fucking arsehole and that's all people need to know, really."
A giggle escaped Grace's lips. She clapped a hand over her mouth. "I'm listening to an Angel swear."
"Why's that so funny?"
"You're in some of the holy books on earth," Grace said, "Messengers of the deity."
"Get out."
"No, you are. I'm serious."
Nova blinked. A rogue chuckle escaped her, and then another, until she was laughing outright; she couldn't help herself. She'd never heard anything like it in her life. "They must have meant different Angels," she giggled. "We certainly don't deserve that kind of credit."
Grace grinned, and her hands tightened on Nova's thighs. She stopped laughing. "Tell me more about your people."
Now she wasn't even amused. The peace from a moment ago had evaporated. "I can't say they're anything to brag about. They live in an annexe far out near the Wastes at the edge of the known world. It was the only way they were allowed to govern themselves, because the ruling Harkenn didn't allow them representatives in the Assembly. It went well enough for a while, until my uncle gained the throne. He declared war on the Reach, wasn't content with the agreements made by his predecessors and hated the Harkenns with a passion. The only thing we've ever agreed on." A cold smile inched onto her face and slid off again. "Both sides were decimated. Atrocities were committed by both of them. And afterwards, I joined a revolution to take my uncle off the throne before he tried to start another one. As you can see, that worked out."
Grace's eyes were huge, mouth slightly open as she listened. Nova couldn't recall that anyone had ever been this interested in anything she had to say. She wouldn't admit how nice it felt to have someone listen, really listen. Even if she knew, by the end of this particular story, Grace might leave her.
"Jeorge ran it. The Broken Bottle Revolution. We met in a wine cellar every month, and he'd talk our ears off with these glorious, stupid ideas. Plans that would never work, but sounded amazing at the time. We really thought we could do it. And when the time came, we failed. When we went up in court, Jeorge spoke against me. He stayed, I was exiled. He claims he did it to keep track of Lucifer's plans, but he let me think otherwise for ten years." She grimaced. She couldn't stop now she'd started. "I had to cross the Barrens to get to any place with rune protection. My uncle sent agents to kill me. I guess chancing it on demons wasn't enough of a guarantee for him."
Grace's breath caught. "How did you get away?"
"I almost didn't." Nova had a twitch in her eyelid. "I killed them. I had to. When Harkenn's own agents got wind that I was out there, they came for me. And I killed them too. Nine men in total. I barely remember it. Isn't that strange? I only remember standing over the bodies when I'd done it. I don't even remember their faces."
She slowly detached herself from Grace, keeping her eyes trained on the fire. The girl didn't make any attempt to stop her. "I was found. By a group of Unspoken who saved me from a demon. I owe their guild the only kindness I was shown for the next ten years. Yddris was ordered to bring me back here, and Harkenn immediately took me as a slave, just to rub it in my uncle's face. But everyone already knew I'd killed the agents out in the Barrens. There were always other deaths out there, from bandits and demons, mostly, but all the bodies within a league were apparently my doing, according to the rumours. And that's why no one stays."
Now you've done it. She'd at least closed the book on things on her own terms, and that felt better than having it end because Harkenn had made it so. She hadn't been planning to tell Grace, at first, but it felt dishonest not to when they had gone as far as they had, and she knew that she would rather it had come from her own mouth. At least she hadn't heard it from another maid, who would definitely have told the other version – that Nova had gone on a murderous rampage across the Barrens using unknown magics, and shown up at the castle gates covered in blood and laughing – instead of the truth, where she had killed out of fear and been dragged to the castle filthy, frightened and starving, doomed to spend the rest of her life having nightmares about what she'd done. At least she could rest assured that she had explained herself.
"So now you know," she said. She got up and headed to the door.
"Nova."
She turned the lock, wincing as it clicked in the quiet. She hoped no one had checked the kitchens, though she didn't really care. She felt oddly hollow, like she'd emptied an infected wound. At the same time, the weight on her chest was crushing; she should have told Grace long before now. Long before it hurt. She hated herself for letting it happen again.
"Nova!" Grace grabbed her wrist, then reached past her and refastened the lock. "You said you'd stay."
Nova cocked her head. "Did you not believe me?"
"No, I...." Grace flushed, and let go. "I did, and...yeah, that'll take some processing, but..."
"Then do that," Nova said firmly, pulling away and undoing the lock again. "Then see how you feel about it."
She slipped out of the room and closed the door in Grace's face, knowing full well what the answer would be, and knowing full well that it would still crush her when it came.