Jo awoke to a small hand patting his cheek.
"Why are you on the couch, Jo?"
Nights had never been his favorite, but between the vomiting and the nightmares, he was close to swearing them off completely. Rachel never once conveyed anything but compassion and patience, but he could tell she was tired each morning from his antics. So he'd banished himself to the couch in hope that she could get some sleep.
"Couldn't sleep, buddy," he mumbled, throat raw.
"Me either."
He scooped Adam up with one arm and pulled the blanket over them, wrapping his arms around the little boy. They were quiet and Jo began to doze off again.
"Jo?"
He startled, then yawned.
"Yeah?"
"I'm scared."
Jo placed a soft kiss on the back of his head.
"About what?"
"That you're going to die in the surgery tomorrow."
Jo squeezed him just a bit tighter.
"I know it's scary, kiddo. But...the surgery is my best chance at not dying, even though it's risky."
"Okay."
Apparently finding that answer sufficient, Adam nestled closer to Jo and his breathing began to even out.
"I love you, dad," he whispered sleepily.
Jo's heart clenched at the word, but he didn't correct the boy. Adam drifted off quickly, but sleep was no longer in the cards for Jo. After a few minutes, he carried the child back to his bed and tucked him in, closing the door carefully.
"You coming back to bed?"
She looked like a fairy creature in the waning moonlight, her petit frame encased in satin and hair cascading like an aureate waterfall over her shoulders. He covered the distance between them and wrapped her in his arms.
"Did I wake you? I'm sorry."
"It's okay, baby. Not sleeping well, tonight?"
He shook his head.
"Nightmares?" she asked gently.
Since telling Rachel about his past, the nightmares had become increasingly vivid and terrifying. They'd talk about them each time, tears would come for both of them, and Rachel would hold him until he fell asleep again, only to be awoken by another. At her prompting, he'd gone to see Tim again, and they had been working through that chapter of his childhood in his sessions. Slowly, but surely, the nightly torture had begun to recede. He now had more good nights than bad ones. But tonight hadn't been great.
He kissed the top of her head, still marveling at her presence.
"You know, I don't want to waste tonight on this," he said suddenly.
He swept her up into his arms and carried her through the door to their room, depositing her gently in the bed. She looked up at him quizzically as he slid in beside her, propping himself on one elbow.
"In about five hours, I'm going to be shutting my eyes, possibly for the last time-" he placed a finger on her protesting lips and continued. "We both know I might not make it. The only reason they're attempting it is because it's spreading so fast, right? So I'm a goner either way."
"Jo..."
"It's okay, Rach. Weirdly enough, I'm not even scared. But...if this is my last night on earth, I don't want to spend it thinking about my past. I want to spend it with you."
Her eyes widened.
"You mean...?"
He smiled.
"No...that's a bridge I don't want to try to cross right now."
He twirled a strand of her hair around his finger.
"But...is it okay if I kiss you?"
She pulled his head down to meet her lips and kissed him. He explored her mouth gently, fingers gliding over her skin, mapping the softness of her body. Slowly, he trailed his lips down her ear and onto her neck, breathing in the scent of her as he kissed the smooth skin at her throat. She shuddered, and he smiled against her. With unhurried, opulent movements, he continued his exploration across her silk-covered chest and then trailed down to her stomach. With caught breath, she leaning down and kissed his jaw and earlobe. It sent him over the edge and he and grabbed her, crashing into her mouth again, searching it urgently with his own as she responded in kind.
The sudden movement jarred his ribs, but he continued, ignoring the churning in his gut in favor of other sensations he'd never felt before. She moved against him and he pushed her down, bending to kiss her again, which sent his stomach spinning. Pulled away, he knelt on the bed, hunching over his abdomen.
"Baby-"
"'M okay," he murmured, willing the nausea to pass.
It did eventually, but a wave of exhaustion hit him next and he sunk wearily into the mattress. Rachel's arm wrapped around him and he pulled her against his chest.
The sleep that had eluded him all night crept in and the last thing he was aware of was Rachel's beating heart against his own.
_______
Rachel's sternum cracked in two as she watched the boys hug their brother goodbye. They had decided as a family that it would be best for them to go to school while Jo was in surgery. Waiting only made them more anxious and school was a needed distraction. But as they clung to their brother, it was clear they understood that this might be the last time they saw him.
He climbed back in the car, letting out a small sigh.
"Ready?"
His smile was forced.
She nodded, determined not to cry. She'd done enough of that for several lifetimes.
The check-in process whirled by and before she knew it, she was holding Jo's hand as they put in his second IV and scrubbed his chest with chlorhexidine.
"Do you want to mark him up?" the nurse asked, trying to lighten the mood.
Rachel grinned with enthusiasm she didn't feel and grabbed the sharpie.
"Any last words?" she winked.
He laughed, and the sound made her the broken pieces of her heart shatter further. Since their talk in the woods, he laughed more. Loudly. Authentically.
"How about, 'You can take the tumor, but the heart belongs to Rachel'."
His eyes twinkled as the words left him.
A breath-choking laugh broke from her. He joined in and the nurse giggled shaking her head.
"That's so bad!" Rachel snorted.
"It's really bad, dude," the nurse agreed.
"I'm so writing that!"
"It'll get a laugh from the surgeon, that's for sure."
With a flourish, Rachel inscribed Jo's corny line, along with her best impression of a "heart-eyes" emoji, on Jo's thin, scarred ribcage.
"It's perfect," he grinned at her.
She leaned forward and gave him a kiss.
"Okay, you two. Single girl in the room. No need to show off," the nurse rolled her eyes playfully. "I'm just going to dip out and scan this paperwork into his chart and then we're off!"
As the curtain closed, the gravity of the situation finally sunk in. Rachel put on her bravest face and hid the tears behind a well-practiced mask.
"You ready, mister?"
He swallowed past the obvious lump in his throat.
"Thank you, Rach...for... If this is it, then just know that you've made me happy, truly happy, for the first time in my life. And..." there was a catch in his voice, "my only regret is that I didn't get to see you walk down that aisle-"
"No!"
She couldn't take it. Her mask was slipping and if he said one more word, the tears would come and wouldn't stop until he was safely back in her arms.
"You're going to see me walk down that aisle, my love."
She grabbed his hand and stubbornly blinked back the moisture building behind her eyes.
"You'll be in a suit that you're going to hate and I'll be in a killer white dress, and believe me, it's going to knock your socks off. And there's going to be cake and dancing and then you're going to pick me up and carry me across the threshold like they do in the movies. And maybe we'll have sex that first night or maybe we won't. Maybe we'll just make out, or go stargazing, or watch one of the bazillion movies you've never seen."
They both had tears in their eyes and smiles on their faces.
"You're stuck with me, Jo. This tumor can go fuck itself because you're mine and as long as you're mine, you're damn-well going to get a happy ending.
He smiled again and his face was that of a man perfectly at peace.
"I love you, Rach."
_______
His voice played in her head on repeat as she paced the waiting room.
An hour passed.
Then another.
Then three.
Waiting families received good news while others were irrevocably devastated. As the afternoon began to fade into evening, tears formed in her eyes.
No surgery, no matter how complex, should take this long.
The last, rejoicing family left the waiting room and for the first time that day, Rachel found herself alone. The fear she'd smothered all day attacked her and a choked sob escaped her throat.
Sliding down the taupe wall, she hugged her knees to her chest and cried like a lost child.
_______
"Miss Marshall?"
She pulled her drool-crusted face away from her arms where she'd fallen asleep.
"Sorry, what?"
She mumbled rubbing the smudged mascara beneath her eyes. Glancing up, she found a haggard Dr. Tonui crouched down in front of her. His eyes were guarded and tired and she shook her head, willing him not to speak the dreadful words.
"We knew it would be a difficult surgery. But there were multiple complications we didn't foresee. He started bleeding from some old injury sites and later when we were trying to close, a bone fragment from his ribs chipped off and severed one of his arterioles. We gave him 8 units of blood and ended up having to remove three-quarters of his right superior lobe in addition to removing his entire inferior lobe-"
"Doc..." she cut him off, not daring to hope. "Is he alive?"
"Alive? Yes! Yes, he's alive. If he wasn't, I would have started with that!"
The first hint of a smile passed across his dark brown face.
"He's been singing you love songs in the PACU."
Another sob escaped her and she threw her arms around the crouching man.
"Whoa, easy there. Everything's going to be alright. He's a strong one. Not many would have made it through that."
He patted her back as she wept relieved tears. Pulling away, he gripped her shoulders gently.
"What I was trying to tell you is that I want to admit him for a few days, maybe a week to make sure the recovery goes okay. He won't be stable enough to go home for awhile."
"Okay, that's fine. That's good. Can I," she sniffled, "can I see him now?"
_______
She could hear him as soon as they walked through the swinging doors.
"You are my sunshine...my...golden sunshine. You make me haaaaaaaaaaapy.... when...when...skies are..."
His face, still under the influence of anesthesia, brightened when he saw her.
"See? I told you! That's my...my sunshine! Isn't...isn't she gorgeous?" he slurred to the anesthesiologist.
Any traces of makeup she'd applied that morning had been completely washed away and as she approached his bed, she knew she looked more like a dropped tomato.
"Hi, baby," she managed to say past the emotion caught in her throat.
"Yoooooou'll never know, Rach...how much I loooooove you..." he crooned, throat dry from being intubated.
"He's a cheap date," the anesthesiologist said with a grin.
"Rach, Rach! I know this sounds crazy...but I think we should get married."
His eyes were wide and serious.
She giggled.
"You already asked me that, my love."
His eyes widened further.
"What did you say?"
"I said yes."
His smile threatened to split is face in half.
"WHOO!" he shrieked, garnering several annoyed moans from other recovering patients.
"You're not...you're not joking me? You really said yes?"
"I really said yes."
"Well, then what are we waiting for? Let's get married!"