WE RAN.
By God, we ran like never before.
It didn't take long before we heard shouts across the house. Luca's body had been found.
John and I stopped by the front door, but there was no key and it was locked.
"What the fuck do we do?" He whisper-shouted, his eyes wide with panic.
I looked around the hall, seeing no keys anywhere, so I reached into his coat pocket and pulled out his gun before shooting the lock.
"Lex-"
I grabbed his hand and we ran outside, speeding over to his car which was parked in the drive. The gun shot must have got the attention of the family as Miguel appeared, a crazed look on his face.
"He has a fucking rifle, John!" I all but screamed as John rapidly drove away, the tyres skidding as he turned out onto the road. We heard a few shots ring out before another car engine, which caused John to speed up.
We were silent as the car flew through the country road, Miguel's car in the distance behind us. Once we made it to the busier roads, we lost him, weaving in and out of different lanes. John drove for what felt like hours before we finally made our way to Watery Lane.
Once the car stopped, he turned to me, a blank look on his face. "Can you please explain to me what the fuck just happened?"
"I didn't mean to kill him," I said, my heart racing. "I just wanted to get him off me."
John's eyes narrowed, his body turning towards me. "What the fuck was he doing on you?"
"What the fuck do you think?" I asked, not wanting to revisit the events of the last few hours.
♤
JOHN AND I stayed up all night in the kitchen, guns at the ready in case the Cruz family came to get revenge.
Tommy and Arthur entered the kitchen a few hours after sunrise, both of them confused to see us.
"What the fuck are you two doing up?" Arthur asked as he sat down at the table opposite us.
John and I shared a look, to which Tommy frowned.
"Did you go to see the Cruzs last night, Alexandra?" Tommy asked, placing an unlit cigarette in his mouth.
"Um... yes," I replied, my eyes on the tablecloth. "But it went bad."
"What?" Tommy's full attention was on me now, and I felt like I was being interrogated.
"I went with her, and Luca and I got into a fight," John began, making me frown slightly. "And I ended up killing the bastard."
Arthur stood up immediately at his brothers words and grabbed John by the collar, pushing him against the cupboards. "You fucking what?"
John just rolled his eyes, "I didn't mean to. It just got out of hand."
Tommy was seething, his fists clenched as he leaned them on the table. "I told you to go alone, Alexandra."
"I didn't think it would matter much." I said, feeling nauseous as I realised the entirety of my actions.
"Well it fucking did!" Tommy yelled, slamming his hands down on the table. "Do you two fucking realise what you've done?"
"It's not her fault, she told me not to come," John argued once Arthur had let him go.
"What's that?" Tommy asked, his tone suddenly changing. I followed his eyes to see him looking at the floor just in front of the door, where a small pale blue piece of paper sat.
I stood up and walked over, picking it up before going back to the middle of the room. Opening it, I saw it was a letter.
"It's from Danny Cruz."
As soon as the words left my mouth, Tommy grabbed the letter out of my hands, his eyes scanning over it for a few silent moments.
Neither John nor I had even realised the letter had arrived; it must have been while we were slipping in and out of sleep.
Tommy put it down on the table, his face blank.
"What does it say?" Arthur asked with a gruff voice.
"That we made a mistake in killing his son," Tommy began, sighing before continuing. "They're leaving town, but he wants us to know that they'll be back to avenge Luca, and destroy the Peaky Blinders."
♡
IT WAS an intense few days, to say the least. I distanced myself from the Shelbys, staying in my apartment alone, as I couldn't bring myself to face them. I was angry at myself for ruining the business deal, and being the reason we were all losing out on millions.
On the fourth day, Tommy called and told me that he was holding a meeting that I had to attend.
"Well, I think we can all agree that the Cruz deal has gone to shit. They can attack at any moment, which means we need to be alert at all times."
Everyone's eyes were on Tommy as he spoke. We were all on edge with the looming threat of a war against the Cruzs over our heads, a sense of dormant chaos bubbling under the surface.
"But we have a more current issue: Jared O'Neale." Tommy's words slightly confused me. "He pre-paid us with £100,000 for the delivery. Now that Danny Cruz has pulled out of business with us, we have no product to give O'Neale. I've offered him a full refund, but he's pissed off that we wasted his time."
"Is he really that much of a threat?" Gerald asked, his hat in his hands. "His brother's dead, he has about ten men behind him. Do we need to be concerned?"
"Apparently, the O'Neales have built an alliance with Seamus Murphy, who has hundreds of men and weapons at his disposal."
Murphy had also never been on the best terms with us since his father got killed in Small Heath.
Arthur sighed, his jaw clenched. "For fuck's sake. How are we gonna get O'Neale to calm down?"
Tommy shrugged, his eyes on the table. "Find another supplier. Or some other way of appeasing the Irish."
◇
JOHN HAD asked me to meet him at the docks, which I was apprehensive about but went anyway, as it must have been something important.
It was dark when I arrived, the harsh wind blowing my hair across my face. Once he came into view, I walked over to him.
"John, you're an idiot." I said, watching him as he looked over the water. "Why did you tell Tommy you killed Luca?"
He finally turned to face me, the wind calming down into a cold breeze. "I don't know what he'd do to you if he knew it was you. I'm his brother; the most he'd do is rough me up a bit."
"What, you think Tommy would kill me if he knew?" I asked. "I'd like to think I have a better relationship with him than that, after all these years."
"I had to be safe," John said, taking my hand in his. "Besides, it's over now. You don't need to be concerned with it anymore."
"It's far from over; this could turn into a war." I said, shaking my head. "I shouldn't have killed him."
"He was about to-" John stopped mid-sentence, too angry to continue. "I don't even want to think about what he would've done if you hadn't stopped him. He deserved it, the skeevy bastard."
"I shouldn't have gone to his bedroom when Carlos told me to. I knew exactly what he was implying, and I went anyway."
"It wasn't your fault," He said, holding my hands. "You were defending yourself."
There were a few moments of silence as I looked into his eyes, melting into the feeling of being seen by him.
"What is it you wanted to come out here for?" I asked after some minutes passed, our fingers interlocking.
"Right, well I've been thinking about this lately." His eyes moved to the ground as he spoke.
I smirked, "Oh no."
"You and me have this special bond I feel with no other woman. There's no feeling that compares to the safety of having you in my arms. You're my home." His tone was serious and nothing like how I'd ever heard him speak before. "Alexandra Romero, will you marry me?"
My eyes widened, my breath hitching in my throat. Those were the last words I was expecting to leave his mouth. My hands dropped from his hold, a sudden dread filling me.
"John..." I began, my voice barely above a whisper. "No."
"What do you mean?" He was offended, confusion replacing the hope in his wide eyes.
"What do you mean what do I mean? Why would you ask me that?" I was suddenly angry that he had ruined how good our relationship was getting by proposing; couldn't we have just let it be?
"Because I love you-"
"I can't marry you."
"Why not, Lex? Is there someone else?" He looked deeply hurt, his eyebrows knitted together.
I rolled my eyes, "Of course there isn't, John. But I can't marry you."
"I don't understand."
I looked over to the water, exasperated, before turning back to him. "I have never intended on becoming someone's wife and eventually a mother, John. I thought you knew that."
He was utterly confused, as though he had expected me to say yes. "I thought it would be different with us. I know that when we were 16, you weren't ready for all of that. But it's been seven years, Lex. I want you to be mine."
I glared at him. "You just want me to be your wife so you can lock me away and turn me into a baby making machine-"
"It's not like that-"
"But that's not me, John. It's not me. You know how we feel about each other. I didn't think we needed a piece of paper and some ritual to validate our feelings."
He grabbed my hand again, tighter this time. "Alex-"
"No." I pulled my hand back, despite how much it pained me to do so. "Nothing you say will make me want to give up my life and become a housewife for my remaining years. I'm not the woman who's gonna be raising your kids and cooking you dinner. You can say it will be different all you like, but we both know it won't be."
After a few silent moments he sighed, looking down and nodding, finally admitting defeat. "I know that. I just want you to be mine."
I had to admit that I had thought about it; being married to John. We could live together, publicise our love for one another, and promise to stay faithful to each other. But then I thought about the babies, the housework, the subordinated position I would eventually be forced into.
I had seen that life pushed onto my mother, who spent her days raising me and being abused by my father. Of course, John wouldn't treat me like that, but I didn't want to give him the chance to. Becoming someone's wife meant becoming their inferior, lesser than them. It meant my life would be dedicated to him, not just my heart. I couldn't do that to myself.
I tightened my coat around me, my heart heavy and desperate for the very love it had just condemned. I looked at him as he frowned, the heartbreak clear on his face. As much as I wanted to give him happiness, I couldn't do it at the expense of my own. I clenched my fists in my coat pockets and sighed.
"I'm sorry, but I can't belong to you, John. I have to belong to myself."
♧
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a/n thank you so much for voting and 1k reads!!!! im acc baffled lmao