Aka career time
Strength is a commonplace word. It was a word that Nagisa'd like to associate the main campus students with, but not anymore. Nagisa had found himself a good enough vantage point to recognize the difference between fear and power. Like the word 'kill', strength is a word often misunderstood by many. One speaks but can't apply. One says they have it, but they don't.
Was what the students had strength? Pummeling the weaker ones to the ground as if they weren't rubbed out by their lives already to feel like they were stronger. Better. More in power. Wasn't that just a pathetic excuse to use the esteem they tore off as staircase to their own pride and success? Such was the system of Kunugigaoko and such a horrible one it was.
Maybe the temptation of strength outweighed their 'worthless' lives, if they were so willing to crush the weak to only parse the strong.
Nagisa was ashamed to admit it but maybe he'd gotten a little more power drunk than he thought he'd be. Since forever they'd been spat upon so to feel the taste of power was like getting high on the most addictive drug- he didn't feel like he was weak anymore, but somewhere in the middle he lost his concern for the weak. Koro-sensei brought him back from that high and he'd never felt more guilty.
What he had wasn't strength anymore when concern left his mind, it turned into power, and god did they differ from one another. Power was reckless and untamed- strength wasn't. When power was properly channeled into something more helpful, something more protective in nature than harmful, it was then that power became strength. Strength was the power to protect, defend and save. Strength was being soft with the ability to gain edges.
"The exams were hell." Sugino breathed out and Nagisa couldn't do anything but agree. "I mean how did that guy expect us to do good without studying?"
Karma shrugged, "The same way I do," and immediately faced a pointed glare from Sugino.
"You got second place without studying, dude, how do you do that?"
Nagisa offered a sympathetic smile, "I'm not sure if Karma-kun did really listen to Koro-sensei."
The mention of exams brought back some unpleasant memories that he'd like very much to wipe out of existence. He'd scored so low and with his new routine of visiting Young Leaf Park to tutor Sakura, he really didn't want to risk it. At least his mom hadn't hit him, but the disappointment in her voice when she went on again about how a girl child would've been much better really got to him. They barely exchanged a few words and when they did, it was either about his grades or her disappointment at having a male child.
"Are you serious? That's even more painful." Sugino groaned, and as he took in his surroundings he jolted on his feet. "Ah! This is where we part, bye you two!"
"See you!" Nagisa shouted back with a wave.
Karma stood there idly with one of his hands in his pocket and the other by his side, probably taken out of his pocket to wave at Sugino. With all that had happened, Nagisa thought himself a great observer. It had built from a habit to avoid conflict but it had worked and there was no place better than this class to sharpen the peculiar skill of his. Though, no matter how hard he tried, Karma was someone whose mind he could never read without permission.
Still he could quietly note how coming to the E class changed Karma for good. It wasn't a complete change- Karma was still the same as before- but something had definitely changed. The Karma of the past was all about power and the Karma of now has the strength to protect. Something about Karma had matured a lot in the span of these few months.
"Huh, we really are approaching the deadline." Karma noted as the wind carried a few golden and crimson leaves nearby.
"We better assassinate him before that." Nagisa agreed, and they ambled through the pavement.
Karma had always been sharp and smart, but the way he gazed at a distance, eyes glazing over, made Nagisa feel like he was looking at a totally different person. A kind of poignant feeling rippled in his heart, almost like nostalgia, he really hoped that he'd be able to tell Karma about the spectacular journey of falling in love with him before the deadline. If he couldn't then it would probably add to the long list of barren regrets he harvested in his life.
The road they walked through was almost unapologetically urban except for the few speckle of yellowing trees and some evergreen plants. Above the dull and morose grey tone, the sky was almost hilariously colorful- fading blue and growing glowing orange.
"Aren't we going by train?" Karma questioned.
Oh right, Nagisa hadn't told Karma about his little deal with Sakura. Sakura was one problematic kid, but Nagisa had handled enough to know how to navigate that kind of mindset. If he couldn't, he would learn. Practical experience was more valuable and legitimate than theoretical knowledge anyway. After explaining Karma about his situation, they parted ways and Nagisa headed to Young Leaf Park.
Now that Sakura was back to elementary school, she had a couple of questions she needed to ask and a reasonable pile of homework. Though even with her grades, she didn't seem keen on leaving the daycare so soon. Amidst the little kids, Sakura looked like the leader among them all and she had probably grown attached to the place.
The questions she asked him were all things he could easily answer, but to dumb things he already knew down to help information parse easier? It was a lot harder than he ever expected teaching to be, but he soon realized that he didn't hate the difficulty. It was a challenge he was willing to face.
At least the other children were having fun messing around with him.
"How does English make sense anyway?" Sakura fiddled with her pencil, resting her cheek on a hand, "Learning language is hard,"
Nagisa thought about it, "It is, but don't you think being able to speak a universal language's cool?"
"Of course, I would be happy if they made it a little easier on my native Japanese brain," she mumbled while begrudgingly writing her English homework.
There was an unwonted and foreign burst of pride in his chest whenever Sakura mentioned how his tutoring was really helping her out. He was so very glad and so proud of her. This teaching thing was something he could probably get a hang of with enough practice. Teaching was really tough, but then he'd seen a smile so bright that it was definitely worth it.
He wasn't much concerned with being paid for tutoring. Sure he had to take time out of his daily schedule and had to explain mom why he was later than usual, but it gave him experience and taught him things, so why the necessity of money? But of course, Sakura's parent had somehow caught the news that the cause of their daughter's recent grades was a student from the prestigious Kunugigaoko, and they'd immediately met him after, insisting that he take some money as fee.
They wouldn't be so delighted if they knew he came from the dilapidated E-class, but he thanked them regardless and took the least he could without offending them. He didn't want them to spend too much on someone who was being tutored by a teen barely academically capable himself.
Regardless, he could say the extra money would surely be useful for him to fill his frilly pink closet with some more boyish clothes.
*
Nagisa thought that he at least understood what power was because of the Takaoka incident. Oh how wrong was he to assume so soon. That kind of power felt like a nudge compared to the aura Reaper had, it was pure unadulterated chaos stirring up, no question.
Despite everything, Bitch-sensei had been saved or rather recovered from her state and things with her and Karasuma-sensei had surely worked out.
The kind of power Reaper had made Nagisa feel like he could reach that point if he tried hard enough. That revelation might've scared him for the first few times but it was the truth. Before his encounter with Reaper, he could only observe people on the basis of the dark and light, names he had inevitably given them. The Reaper had talked about seeing wavelengths of human consciousness, how the peak of the wave is the best time to use stun clap and how humans were so easy to read once wavelengths could be recognized.
Ever since that, Nagisa could see those wavelengths in his mind's eyes, a parody of his own wavering slightly before they flickered out for a moment and regained their pace again. Nekodamashi was seriously some powerful move if it could send someone momentary comatose. Nagisa wanted to master that move too.
The world of assassination had never intrigued him so much as it did when the Reaper intentionally or unintentionally gave him a few criticisms regarding his own level as an assassin. If those were the kind of things one could learn being an assassin, assassination surely was a beautiful art- the best kind.
It wasn't until career counseling that the idea had been planted in his mind. Sure he had been thinking of it way before, but never in this light. Assassination was an art he appreciated very much, and there weren't many skills he had except for his uncanny ability as an assassin. Surely it wouldn't be too bad to become an assassin, right?
While those kinds of thought ran over his mind, he realized that his paper had been already filled and he blinked to get rid of his daze. Did he accidentally write what he wanted to be? Then realized what had been written as horror struck him, "Nakamura-san! This is my future you're messing with!"
"Aw, c'mon," she leant on her elbow, sporting the perfect mischief grin, "Men work doesn't suit you, Nagisa-kun."
His form had been filled out in a way that was literally not happening, because a nurse? No way, even that had been written as kangofu instead of kangoshi (the female variation instead of the male) and the second choice was being a maid which was a far cry from what Nagisa was actually had in his head.
Even though he knew Nakamura was just teasing, some deep part of him was a little hurt. Just because he was an omega didn't automatically make him a girl, and that was something he wanted his mom to get ever since the start of his Junior high. Being denied that even here felt almost a little too offensive.
As if it wasn't already horrible enough, Karma chimed in with two brochures, "Where do you want to go after graduation? Thailand or Morocco? I'm kinda inclined to Thailand myself,"
"Don't think I don't know what the brochure's for!"
It was okay, they didn't know.
The class was as lively as ever, but secretly everyone really was planning for their future, weren't they? Even the ever so nonchalant Karma seemed to have something by himself and Nakamura no matter how whimsical had certainly found her target here in E-class. Looking at everyone, Nagisa almost felt like he was the only one who was lost.
"My target, huh," he muttered after blowing the eraser dust away while Kayano and Karma watched from above.
"Oh, looks like Irina sensei's tag is still on." Kayano said and Nagisa turned his attention to the her.
Karma seemed like he was ready to take a picture, "Guess she's not used to buying things off the rack."
"Someone's got to tell her-"
Nagisa stood up, crumpling the paper up, "I'll get it."
If he had learned anything from Reaper, this setting would be the perfect one to test it out. He allowed himself to sense the wavelengths of her consciousness and unsurprisingly she was at ease. Taking off the tag now would be a piece of cake. With every stride, he synchronized his wavelength to match hers so that when he came close enough, she couldn't sense him.
If he had a knife with him and if they were in a crowd, Nagisa would've most definitely been able to kill her without being noticed. An assassin of a high caliber. He could've assassinated someone like her. Was this the kind of strength he would require if he were ever to become an assassin?
Being an assassin came with numerous difficulties, and it called for a life of no attachment. Nagisa could probably do it once he was old enough in order to avoid jeopardizing any of his friends, but was that life suitable for him? Even ignoring his secondary gender as an omega, that kind of lifestyle was very dangerous. Even so, he was willing to listen to whatever Koro-sensei had to say about that.
"Ah, last but not the least, Nagisa-kun." Before him had been Rio, she must've given him an adequate answer if he was so cheerful right now. Shame that his answer wasn't going to be anywhere near. "So what career do you think would suit you the best, hmm?"
This was it, he was going to say it. "Koro-sensei, I.. think I have a talent for killing people." Looking at the crumpled piece of paper he held in his other hand, he continued, "At any rate, I think I could get to where I do what the Reaper does. For someone with no real strength, I couldn't hope for a better talent for my future."
Everything regarding his future career was also bound by the wishes of his mother, but if he couldn't match the pace she sets him up for, what would happen? At the very least, he'd end up with no backup plan, an unsatisfying job and like every time right in his mother's hands. With assassination, Nagisa felt like he had something to rely on, something that would keep him propped up if he ever faced any type of dilemma.
It wasn't uncommon for omegas to drop off education after basic schooling, so maybe he'd be excused by his mother. But then again, she didn't seem very keen on letting him go off without a good result as if for future use- she was probably planning a type of future where he could get to do things that she couldn't. In short, his decision was a big mess of a blur and he really needed Koro-sensei to express what he felt towards his opinion.
"Should.. should I become an assassin, Koro-sensei? Please, tell me what path I should follow."
For a moment, he remained almost scarily quiet before there was finally a question. "Have you truly considered this path, Nagisa-kun?"
When he nodded, there seemed to be a beat of silence as if giving him time to reassess his true intentions. Nagisa really had no idea what he possibly could be. Once the idea had been planted in his head, he really couldn't get rid of it. For a no-good like him, he felt like it was the best option to establish his worth, make a living and hone what could be the skills of one of the greatest assassins. The place where he was didn't determine his worth, his own skills needed to catch up with the others.
"I consider you a sensible student, Nagisa-kun. But a career in assassination isn't as basic as just showing up and lodging a knife in someone's gut. It takes time, finesse and a lot of sacrifice. Most who accept that lifestyle accept the risks that come with it. Risks to your own life, and those close to you. Generally, it's a life without attachment, a life without family." Koro-sensei was practically telling him what constituted a good assassin, but it was more for the purpose of warning.
"There's no doubt that you have a gift for assassination. Whether facing a monster, a violent teacher or a genius assassin, you have the courage to attack without fear. For a master killer, that's an indispensable skill." It was.. flattering to hear such words of praise from an indestructible target even though the situation didn't call for it, his cheeks flushed anyway.
"But, Nagisa-kun, this courage of yours is tainted with a sense of desperation. You take your own safety and dignity too lightly."
It was kind of funny in the most self deprecating way possible. How not to be desperate when his wish to be 'seen' couldn't come true at all until Korosensei? No matter how a plant was, whether with soft fragrance or petals of blade, if it was in the state of flourishing, it needed enough nourishment. Something that Nagisa felt most of his friends and himself lacking. Just hearing the news of his transfer to E-class was enough shock that his mom refused his entire existence for the first few weeks, and when she did, it was mostly to yell at him, so how could be not be desperate for some acknowledgement?
Assassination always resulted in acknowledgement. It was something Nagisa felt praiseworthy about himself. Korosensei wasn't wrong in any way when he called him out for that single point.
With that, Koro-sensei had dismissed him with the promise that he'd support Nagisa if he thought assassination really was the best for him. Wasn't it? Nagisa didn't know for himself anymore. At this rate, his life would end up a puppet show with his mom as the puppeteer. What was his identity anymore anyway?
Qotc: (Valentine's day is coming so...) Who's your valentine? If you have one, please do answer. If you don't, who do you wish would be your valentine.
Currently I have no one and hurrah! I got over my crush. It feels kinda embarrassing looking back on it now, lol.
There's no fluff in the chapter. *gasp* I am capable of writing without fluffing it up, huh.
These chapters are highlight to Nagisa's choice of career which I think really wouldn't include Karma anytime soon. After all of this is over, maybe he'd have time to think about Karma.
Or would he? ┐(￣ヮ￣)┌
~Crystal_Nymph