n. a moment of awareness that someone you've known for years still has a private and mysterious inner life, and somewhere in the hallways of their personality is a door locked from the inside, a stairway leading to a wing of the house that you've never fully explored—an unfinished attic that will remain maddeningly unknowable to you, because ultimately neither of you has a map, or a master key, or any way of knowing exactly where you stand.
* * *
Even before the performance ended, Remedios Nable Jose had already left. Leaving her father in accompanying Goyo. Even afterward, Goyo is left alone as he thanks the townspeople for the celebration that they've prepared in his honor. Instead of giving his speech all at once, he decides to converse with them in small groups. And a few seconds later, I lose sight of him.
And I am left on my own when Julian and Enteng leave even before the performance ended, telling me that they are going to check on something. I am already on my way back to the house we are staying when, surprisingly, I see Julian drawing closer to me in a rush. The anxiety on his face makes me worry as he keeps his eyes looking around. When he makes it a meter from me, he asks, "(Y/N), nakita mo ba si Goyong?"
"Hmm?" I raise my eyebrow at him and shake my head. "Hindi. Baka nasa bahay na nila Don Nable Jose." The bitterness on my voice is audible but Julian didn't seem to take notice of it.
"Kakasalubong ko lamang kay Don Mariano. Huli niya raw nakita si Goyong pagkatapos noong palabas."
"Huli kong kita sa kanya ay may mga kausap siyang mga taga-rito. At hindi naman si Don Nable Jose ang dahilan kung bakit siya pupunta sa bahay nila, kung ganoon."
He sighs heavily. "Sabagay."
But then, at that moment, a few meters behind Julian, I see Goyo on his white uniform making him easy to be found in the crowd.
"Julian, si Goyo," I tell him at once, causing him to turn behind him and where I am pointing out.
And something is strange when Julian calls for his younger brother, one that both of us had immediately notice at that very moment. When Julian calls for him, he didn't even look at us. He remains fixated on looking at something from afar, and even without being close to him, we can both say that he is troubled.
The two of us immediately draw closer to him. Julian immediately back as the older brother he is by asking, "Goyong? Anong problema? Anong nangyari sa iyo?"
"Nandito sila." That's all that Goyo tells us. He repeats himself, much urgently, "Nandito sila." And then, he immediately flees, running off to somewhere as he follows someone.
Julian and I share a look, and we didn't hesitate to follow after him, realizing the worst possible case that Goyo is suddenly turning insane over some triggering words or actions. We catches him just at an isolated part of the town, grasping for an old man whom he had pinned against the wall with his arm and saber.
The old man is mumbling something, visibly frightened as Goyo shouts at him, shakingly pointing his revolver, "Isa ka ba sa kanila? Sagot!"
I didn't take a step closer but Julian does. He immediately breaks the two apart. Goyo, however, only starts shouting much more, exasperated as he repeats himself, "Isa ka ba sa kanila?! Sagot!"
"Goyong! Ulyanin lang yan!" Julian explains as he slowly manages to ease his younger brother. "Nakausap na namin siya. Pakawalan mo."
Finally, Goyo releases the old man who immediately runs away from the site. Julian also finally let his brother go and looks around, meeting my eyes. The horror on his eyes when our eyes met is not deadly, but as if he had seen a ghost out of me.
Goyo breathes in heavily, trying to catch and ease his breathing. Still holding his revolver and saber, he presses his hands onto his knees. His eyes wild as if something or someone is haunting him. And I don't even know what it is. After all, this is my first time to see him this way, after seeing countless battles that he had participated himself.
"Buti walang iba ang nakakita," Julian remarks after a heavy sigh. He turns to his brother, frustrated himself. "Anong nangyayari sa iyo? Umayos ka nga! Tandaan mo kung sino ka. Sino ka?"
"Aguila," Goyo mumbles.
"Sino ka?"
"Aguila!"
Julian looks back at me as if he wants to tell me something.
In the end, I sigh and nod at him. I leave the two of them, troubled still of what could be the reason. But, I know that this isn't the last that I'll be seeing Goyo this way. I believe that this is only the beginning of it worsening.
# # #
Ever since the moment that I make it back to the house, leaving the jolly celebration in the town square with all the worries of what I've just witnessed, I sat down in front of a desk inside the room. A few old papers are on the table just as a fountain pen and bottle of ink rests within reach. I have no intention to write something, to be honest, it's just that I can't bear the idea of walking around town and come face-to-face with Goyo again after what I've just seen. The console of the house seems to give me security, and the four corners of my room radiates comfort.
I keep the windows of my room open, alerting me sounds of anyone passing by the street. With almost all people in the town square, planning to remain gathered there until the night, only few footsteps could be heard walking our respective street. I watch the sun slowly sets, blanketing a few parts of my room in the shadows or in the vibrant orange and yellow hue. Then, darkness comes when night finally falls and I light up the gas lamp by my desk. I do not have the appetite to eat dinner, and the servants are surely aware that we're at the town square given the time. I also remember that they are also there to celebrate.
Probably they don't expect me to be here. Locking myself inside the room as if that will hide everything away. As if doing that truly safeguards me from everything that is going on.
Knowing that the others will not be home early tonight, least I expect to find Goyo and Julian back right away for my troubles to finally be answered, I decide to prepare for bed. And just as I am about to close the windows against the chilly wind of the night, I notice two people walking inside the house. I instantly realize them with their uniforms, especially when one of them is undoubtly wearing the white uniform that only Goyo seems to wear for today.
Their arrival didn't stop me from closing the window. To be honest, it only lead me to close the window in a haste and stand in the silence and darkness for a second, trying to hear any sound of their actions from outside of my room. And how I hear their movements as their boots pound and creak against the wooden tile. I wait and hear a door opening, the one closest to mine. I didn't hear another door opening a few seconds later, giving me the indication that Julian first ensured his brother be in his room. A few minutes passed and the door closes, followed by another series of creaks on the floor.
I immediately take a shawl from the backrest of my chair, immediately surrounding my frame with it as I am already down to my nightgown. I then move out of my room just in time to find Julian standing in front of me already, about to knock.
He smirks a little. "Talaga bang inaasahan mo ako, (Y/N)."
Still on his cheerful nature, I pout and tell him, "Napakiramdaman ko lang na dumating kayo ni Goyo, at nais sana kita makausap. Yung nangyari kanina... hindi mawala sa isipan ko."
The smile he has instantly disappears as he drops his hand and sighs heavily. "Maging ako din. Medyo nabigla ako sa nangyari kanina."
I press my lips together in a straight line. So, it appears that even Julian is unaware of whatever nightmare or vision is troubling Goyo even in his waking days.
"Kaya rin ako kakatok sana sa iyo upang makausap kita," he says a heartbeat later as he looks at me straight to the eye. "Pwede ba na... yung nangyari kanina, sa atin lang iyon? Wala ng ibang makaalam? Natatakot ako na, baka biglang kumalat ang nangyari at malaman ni Goyong. Natatakot ako na baka mas lalong mabaliw siya."
In the first place, Julian doesn't need to ask this of me. I've planned already to keep the situation to myself. I just want to know if he has any idea what is truly troubling Goyo, but it seems that we are on the same boat at that situation. In the end, I nod at him. "Hindi mo na kailangan hilingin iyon sa akin, Julian."
He bows his head a little and smiles. "Salamat. At, isa pa pala. Kung hindi mo mamasamain. Kung sa panahon na nangyari na naman ang ganoon kay Goyong, at wala ako... pwede bang tulungan mo siya? Pansin ko lang na itong mga nakaraang mga linggo at araw, hindi kayo masyadong nagkakausap kumpara dati. Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyari, pero alam ko na buong-buo pa rin ang pagtitiwala sa iyo ni Goyong. Alam ko na, sa problema niya ngayon, hahayaan niya tayo na tulungan siya." He then looks back at me. "Maari ba, (Y/N)?"
Again, Julian doesn't need to ask me for that. After all, that's originally my mission in this game. And the depth of it is finally rubbing against me, just in a way that I don't expect it to be.
* * *
A/N: Follow me on twitter @23meraki for more updates. ;)
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