n. the eerie, forlorn atmosphere of a place that's usually bustling with people but is now abandoned and quiet—a school hallway in the evening, an unlit office on a weekend, vacant fairgrounds—an emotional afterimage that makes it seem not just empty but hyper-empty, with a total population in the negative, who are so conspicuously absent they glow like neon signs.
* * *
When I hear those words be said by none other than but by President Aguinaldo, I don't know what to expect. Am I to inquire more how it had been possible? Am I to suggest that he had died fighting? In a battle? But if General Luna indeed died while being on the battlefield, why did Isidro doesn't sound so sure of it earlier on? Did General Luna do something that betrayed the principles of the Philippine Revolution? Causing him to be killed? Was he executed by the orders of the President?
Is it justice served? Done for the good of the people? Or was he killed to save the ego of a single person?
"Pumunta ka ng Dagupan," President Aguinaldo ordered Goyo after delivering such news. "Manatili ka doon hanggang kinakailangan. Alam mo na ang kailangan mo gawin."
His words are the reason why we've marched on to Dagupan afterwards. No one from Goyo and the Seven Musketeers, aside from Isidro, had known that I am here. That I am here patching the times that I've been gone, understanding what is really going on. How fucked up the situation is now that the Philippine Revolution just lost its best general.
And the last order that the President had mentioned make me curious. And afraid.
It appears that me being away from the game for who knows how long contributed to how everything is faring. It is faring on the way I do not expect. It is not good. It is dangerous. It is like we're at that so-called "calmness before the storm".
And I am afraid to be a part of this. That loyalties weigh much more than the truth. That the people, instead of being united to fight a common enemy, is diverting the real issue to favor themselves.
It appears like, I'll not be exempted from the reaping just because I don't know who or what had been sowed.
# # #
I don't know what I've been expecting in Dagupan. But when we arrived, it appears not to be a quaint, small town. However, I instantly realize that it is a major one since it has an outlet to the sea. And if I know something, it is that people much flock close to a water source for the abundance of their livelihood. The same it is for the townspeople of Dagupan.
The people of Dagupan welcomes us with open arms. It seems that Goyo's reputation precedes him then. Most of the people, upon hearing his name instantly flocks around to greet us. In short, it appears like Goyo is always meant to be a part of them. They've ushered us to shelters, giving the soldiers a place to stay of their own. However, I am surprise that when I am to join the rest of the Cruz Roja, Goyo, who've been ahead of the group along with his close confidants immediately stops his horse and turns to me. Surprisingly, he calls for me, "Pendejo! Saan ka pupunta?"
The others with Goyo right now—Isidro, Julian, Vicente, Jose and Juan—stop and turn to where I am. I can say that the other members of the Seven Musketeers are scattered to different divisions.
"Aba..." Julian is the first one to say, smiling, "(Y/N)? Matagal-tagal na rin ang huling beses na nakita kita. Masasabi ko na magaling ka magtago kasama ang mga taga-Cruz Roja."
I match Isidro's eyes and he nods at me. When I draw closer to them, looking back at Goyo, his eyes are squinted at Isidro's direction for unknown reason. I stop a few feet away from them and bow my head. "Pasensya na kung minabuti kong manatiling kasama ang mga taga-Cruz Roja. Pagkatapos ng nangyari, maigi pala na manatili muna kasama ang mga mediko. Iwas sa isa pang aksidente o sugat. Ang sakit na nga nung huli eh." I try to laugh.
"Ang mahalaga ngayon ay maayos na ang iyong kalagayan," Juan, Goyo and Julian's brother-in-law remarks with a smile. "At mukhang matagal-tagal pa ang susunod na labanan."
"Maraming salamat," I reply, happy with their greetings of my good health. "Puntahan ko na sana ang iba pang mga taga-Cruz Roja, mga ginoo." I look intently at Goyo and bow my head. "Heneral."
I hear Goyo sighing heavily and asks another time, irritated, "Sabi na ngang saan ka pupunta eh."
I stop from walking away from them and look at him again. "Kakasabi ko lamang, Heneral. Kung nasaan ang mga taga-Cruz Roja, doon rin po ako, hindi po ba?"
Julian snickers a smirk and I see Vicente shaking his head before turning to the general, saying, "Goyong."
"Hindi ka matutulog kasama nila," Goyo remarks as he turns his horse ahead. "Sasama ka sa amin."
"Ha?" I blink at him.
Before any of us could even object, Goyo had already proceed on to the house where he is staying along with his closest confidants. Not too far away from where the rest of the soldiers are sheltered, but enough for me to feel the dread of having to live under the same house as these gentlemen. Despite the assurance that there are servants who are female, it doesn't change the fact that these servants have their own separate barracks to stay. Or perhaps a few of them are residents of Dagupan who've been carefully chosen by the others. However, in the end, I follow his orders, not wanting to cause anymore trouble.
Also, the better for me. I can keep a watchful eye on his every movements and continue on with my mission.
And I can keep him close to finally make peace of everything that is confusing me in mind and heart.
# # #
Because I am the only woman, no one is meant to share a room with me. The others share a room with one another, except for Goyo, who've gained his own room as well. Enteng and the Seven Musketeers, along with Goyo and Julian's cousin, also named Juan, not to be confused with their brother-in-law who is Juan Socorro, and Enteng's younger brother Jose, has their own roommates. I am starting to accept having to live with these guys, but, I just can't understand one thing.
Frowning and with my arms crossed across my arms, I fume at him, "Bakit kailangan mo kunin yung kwarto katabi ng sa akin, ha?!"
"Para sabihin ko sa iyo ang totoo, medyo nangulila ako sa ganyang ugali mo, Pendejo," Goyo remarks as he also mirrors my action and even my expression.
As the two of us stand across from each other right now, inside my room, I've been squeezing the answer from him of why, among all rooms, he had decided to be like some room neighboor of mine. Infuriarated, I run my hands through my scalp and calm myself. "Nagtatanong ako ng matino!"
He also copies my actions and counters, "Nagtatanong din ako ng matino bago mo ibaling yung tanong ko ng isa pang tanong na napakalayo sa tinatanong ko. Isa pa. Una akong nagtanong. Mas may karapatan akong malaman muna ang sagot doon bago ko sagutin iyang tanong mo."
I stop, dropping my hands to my sides. My hands unconsciously closed into tight fists, closing around the fabric of my skirt to keep them from shaking. His question, when he unceremoniously entered in my room without even a knock that surprised me, also catches me off guard. That my instinct forces me to divert the topic.
"Bakit ka nataggalan?" he asked me earlier. Roughly just a minute ago before we've been caught in this rambling of ours.
I sigh heavily. "Hindi ba't.. pinabalik niyo ako sa mundo ko?"
He drops his hands as well and sighs heavily. "Hindi ba't... kailangan?"
I bite my lower lip. "Bumalik ako. Bago ngayon."
My words catch his attention, causing him to look at me much intently.
I look away. "Yun nga lang. Nasa territoryo ng mga Amerikano. Sabi nila, kakaalis mo pa lamang. Umalis din ako kaagad. Iniisip kong bumalik din, kaso... nagkaroon ako ng problema. Napaisip ako na baka magbago ang lahat."
"Magbago?" He frowns, incredibly curious.
"Kinabahan ako na sa panahong babalik ako ay di mo na ako maalala. Kaya din minabuti ko na hindi kaagad magpakita sa iyo. Kaso, mukhang nakita mo na rin ako kaagad. At parang iniiwasan lang natin ang isa't isa hanggang ito tayo ngayon. Hindi ko alam kung totoo na may nabago dahil sa nangyari sa mundo ko, at gulong-gulo na ako kung puro imahinasyon ko lamang ito ngayon na talagang may malasakit ka sa akin... o baka mas higit pa." Those are the words that I am surely supposed to say. But I am not able to do so, afraid to know his reaction and laugh at me for having such delusions.
However, I shake my head and answer, "Ang mahalaga nandito ako ngayon." I bite my lower lip as I play with my fingers close to my chest, stopping myself from wanting to reach out for the ring that rests onto a chain around my neck. "Ngayon, sagutin mo naman ang tanong ko. Bakit mo pinili ang kwarto na pinakamalapit sa akin?"
Goyo looks at my eyes intently and answers without any hint of jest but just pure honesty. He left afterwards. When the two of us are envelop in an awkward silence after his words.
As I sink back to the floor, leaning against the bed, I didn't realize that I am shaking from head to toe. Blinking away the tears that are starting to form in the corners of my eyes.
Ang tanga mo, (Y/N). Dapat may sinabi ka.
His answer haunts me, echoing inside my skull that only makes me much more confused than ever. And it pains me so much that I feel the squeeze in my heart.
"Natatakot ako na bigla ka na lang ulit umalis," he remarked, "Natatakot ako na kapag nawala ka, tuluyang hindi ka na bumalik."
* * *
A/N: Follow me on twitter @23meraki for more updates. ;)
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