I always end up losing control.
It's hard to keep it around her, I'd like to see anyone else deal with being forgotten any better than I have.
I promise you, it's anything but easy.
I made me sick to my stomach, picturing her face and the look or horror it had when I yelled.
I didn't mean to take it that far but I lost control of myself, hearing her yell at me and tell me I didn't care, not to care, that I didn't have a right to? It pierced my ears and brought me back to the darkest place I've been. After that I wasn't myself, not until I walked away from her.
I couldn't believe she almost got the best of me too, I wanted to lay it flat for her right there. Blurt out that's it's me, the guy she fell in love with once.
The guy that fell in love with her as hasn't stopped.
The one she wouldn't take no from until I finally gave in. Not that I didn't like her, I just knew she deserved better than me, but at one point or another, even the strongest man couldn't deny her eyes piercing into their soul.
Also the fact that I was ridiculously crazy about her.
We had it so good at one point, we spent every waking moment together.
She used to call me to pick her up at two in the morning, on a school night, just so we could park at this one spot and stare at the lake.
Talking, kissing, it was a lot more than that sometimes too. I missed it more than anything, I missed hearing her little voice, laughing my name when I was purposely trying to make her laugh.
She gave me the nickname 'vinny' when we first hung out . I was vinny and she was Gracie.
My Gracie.
I clutched the paper in my fingertips, tears falling onto it as I looked down and stared at it. It was the only picture I had of Grace that I didn't destroy after I lost her.
It was a picture I took of her the day before I lost her.
That day I took her on a hike, I drove to the biggest mountain we had in the city. I had something special planned for her when we made it to the top.
I remember her begging me to drive but I insisted she had no clue where she was going, Grace was a crazy driver too and this was the first car I bought. It was a nice Volks Wagon coupe, she was the one who picked it out from the lot.
I bought it with my own damn money, but really I wanted it for her. When she could drive it of course.
We both seemed to like the matte black.
Grace hated to wear her hair up, she said it felt restraining and it annoyed her. She only ever put it up while she was doing her makeup or cleaning her face, it was never a style she wore out.
I always told her she looked amazing with it up though, she said she looked like an onion.
When I told her I had a special thing planned, she surprised me aswell by having her hair up when I picked her up. She was able to make my entire day by simply putting her hair into a bun.
"Well, my eyes have been completely blessed madam, unfortunately I do have a girlfriend. Perhaps I could make an exception for you, and that bun." I growl flirtatiously as I get out of the car and approach her. She was standing at the front door, leaned against the brick wall next to the screen door.
She shook her head and laughed before rushing towards me and grabbing both my hands in hers.
"She's one lucky girl, it's a shame. I wouldn't mind taking you off her hands." She bats her lashes up towards me.
God that gets me every time.
"Oh I don't know, she's actually pretty aggressive and if you make her mad- lord have mercy on your soul." I joke with her. Her laugh brings goosebumps to the skin on my arms, you could cure cancer with her laugh.
"oh shut up and get in the car vinny." She slaps me and gets into the passenger side.
If there's ever a day where she's not mine, you can kill me right then and there, because I can't see life working without that very laugh and dimpled smile in my life.
I turn the paper over to see her handwritting on the back, in the bottom left corner, she wrote a small sentence.
You're an idiot for taking this picture, but you're my idiot.
Love, Gracie.
I gripped the picture tighter before yelling and throwing it aggressively across the room.
I stare blankly, hollowly, before clutching my head in my hands as tears stream down my face. Maybe I should've went to rehab when she did, I'm pretty sure there's no way to deal with someone forgetting you properly, without any professional help.
That's probably why I'm even more fucked up than before, I should've gotten help to make sure I didn't go insane or kill myself. I'm not dead yet, but I can't say that my sanity isn't after all this.
I still replay the day over and over in my head, it's painful. I get a headache, I feel sick, my heart throbs and it feels like I'm light headed or weak. The only thing that took that away was the drugs, so I kept doing them and doing them until I feel nothing.
Man do I ever get a low crash when they wear out though.
I did drugs when I was with Grace, I'd do coke at a party here and there, mostly popped pills though— I was never mixed in with the good crowd and doing good things. I smoked a lot of weed, so did Grace.
Then I tried ecstasy once with Grace one night, we just wanted to know how good it would make the sex feel.
It felt fucking amazing.
Other than that, I didn't dabble with anything else, even if I was selling it.
But once I lost Grace, the first thing I went to was hard drugs.
First coke became more of a regular thing than just at a party, then I started to find the hard pills, opioids, narcotics.
I was addicted to Xanax for months before I got control, I started doing Percocet's after that.
Before all this it was just a few addy's at a party when I wasn't getting high off weed.
Now I'm not addicted to anything but finding something to numb me when I need it, no matter what it was, I've tried it all at this point.
Honestly I felt like I would've ended up killing myself if it wasn't for the drugs I did. I'd be lying if I said I didn't attempt it once or more.
Six months after the Grace incident, I tried to hang myself in my shed in the back yard.
For some fucking reason, some insanely coincidental and ironic timing, my brother was going dirt biking that night and went to get his bike from the shed.
He must've come in minutes after I kicked the stool because he cut me down, and I lived.
I'd be dead right now if he wasn't going riding that night, or if he was going later than he did.
My parents didn't seem to give a shit about anything, they were happy about me and Grace being over because they felt like I was bad for her.
To them I was just a mistake costing them money, but Luke was the golden child, they loved him and everything he did.
They didn't love anything I did, they didn't even love me. Even with all the money in the world, they still can't seem to afford to give a shit about me.
Ever since that night, Luke's been extremely protective over me, overly concerned, over baring. He's been the only one to care about me my whole life, he gets in so many fights with our parents over how they treat me.
I get it, I'm his little brother, but he didn't get how hard it was to live with myself every day.
Knowing it was my fault that I lost the one thing keeping me going, knowing I was the reason she got seriously hurt, the reason she was so close to being killed.
I was a piece of shit for letting her in my life, I knew from the start she deserved better. I should've never gave in and let her love me, I should've made her hate me the way I'm doing now.
She would've hated me, I wouldn't have fell so hard for her.
She'd be okay today if it was like that. I wouldn't be okay though, to be okay I needed her, I needed to love her and take care of her, it almost felt like that was my only purpose.
But her being okay should've been enough for me to handle not being okay, instead I was selfish and fucked both of our lives up.
That very thought pushes me to try what I did in the shed again, every day.
Every day, that's the urge I'm fighting.
To everyone else I'm just an asshole.
— —
"Vincent." I hear the muffled sound of my name being called. As I become more awake I feel my arm being shaken and my name being called again.
I open my eyes and Luke is shaking my arm, trying to wake me up. I must've fallen asleep after the pathetic sobbing I did.
Wouldn't be the first time I was drained from my heartbreak.
"How long have you been here?" Luke asks, making his way to his own bed and sitting down.
I scratch my head and try to wake up more. "Something happened earlier and I came back here after lunch. I guess I forgot to go back to school after."
"You guess? It's five o'clock Vincent, you've almost been in here all day. What the fuck happened?" He looks at me with concern. Oh yes, great, the big brother eyes. Glaring deep down into my rotten soul.
"To sum it up, Grace one hundred percent wants me to drop dead. So I came back here and did the usual." I shrug, trying not to come across as depressed as I am.
I always felt the need to act tough around Luke, maybe it was because he's seen me at my very weakest.
"The usual as in fucked up drugs, or the usual as in crying over Grace? Don't think I don't hear your sobbing every night, because I do. You need to stop lying to me and trying to hide it Vince, you're fucking heartbroken and damaged, you think I'm going to kick you down more? I want to help you, I want you to be okay again." He stands up as he explains to me, his tone was gentle and genuine as usual.
I hated it. I didn't need any fucking help, I needed to fucking die, at-least my feelings did.
I didn't know how much longer I could take this.
"I don't need your fucking help Luke, I don't need anyone's help and I don't need anyone. What I need is some good fucking percs and some Hennessy." I go to walk away but he jolts and grabs my arm forcefully.
"Stop hiding behind this stupid, arrogant, 'I don't care about anything' act. Maybe everyone else buys it, but I see right through it, I know exactly what you're feeling, I know you're breaking inside. This isn't the same Vincent I know, the Vincent from before all of this." He gives me a pleading look, did he really want me to open up and vent like a girl?
Thinking I'll give in and sob in front of him so he can listen to my problems, so he can help me, fix me?
"You don't know fuck all about what I'm feeling Luke, I've never seen a rope around your neck." I growl back to him.
In one quick motion he slams me to the ground and gets on top of me, holding my legs and arms down so powerfully I almost couldn't move an inch.
"No, I haven't had a rope around my neck and you want to know why? Because I'm supposed to stay here to make sure my idiot little brother doesn't have one around his again. That night is the fucking reason I'm in this school and you know that, don't ever spit that in my face again. You need to get over Grace, and you need to get over yourself. She's gone, she doesn't remember you and she never will. You have to remember losing her and all, you should be thankful for that. At least you're not the one who doesn't remember a year of their own life Vincent. You can't hold on to this for the rest of your life, you're only nineteen Vince. You wanted the best for her and now she's got it. I can't watch this destroy you anymore." He yells, I watch as tears fall from his eyes, tears fall from my own simultaneously.
There was the overly protective and over-baring I was talking about.
As much as it sickened me, he was right.
I shouldn't hold on to this for the rest of my life, it was a lesson, and somehow it turned out the way I wanted.
It was like Grace never met me and she got a do-over, a chance at a better and safer life. Yet I'm still sitting here acting selfish.
I was lucky to have memory, but she was lucky to forget.
How was I supposed to get over someone, when I could remember every detail, every second of how they made my entire existence worth something for once?
How can I let it go when I remember what it was like to have her, what it was like to fall in love with her and have her love me back.
I remember every second and I'd have to be cold to the core to be able to forget all that. It was just too much, no one understands what we had, so one can tell me it's better to forget because it's not. It was better for her to forget, not me.
And that's the whole issue right there, I need Grace. I can't function without her, I can't think, I can't smile, I can't do anything at all. I need her so bad, but the difference is Grace doesn't need me, and she never did.
She wanted me, but she was far from needing me.
She had scholarships lined up with some of the top schools in the state, she was a cheerleader, she didn't have a lot of friends but she was popular, she was kind, she was so fucking smart and had everything going for her, if anything I was the last thing she needed.
Unfortunately, she was the only thing I needed.
This was a very dark and hard chapter to write. I felt it was important to really see the way this all impacted him and why.
For any of you out there struggling from whatever it may be, loss, heartbreak, bullying, anything, just know there are people here who do care and do love you. Each and every one of you are so important and beautiful in your own way.
If any of you ever need a listening ear, judgement free, my direct messages are always open and I would love none other than to talk with any one of you if you need it.
I love you all so dearly, have a blessed day!
Next chapter won't be as dark as this one.
-Tia