I'm honestly on a roll, what the hell. That said, don't expect it to continue. Tomorrow and Thursday and busier days for me. I also decided that I hate what happens next in the plot, so I'm about to edit that & put in something different in.
Also, something that I'm not sure you guys noticed is that my chapters have actually gotten about 500 words longer than their initial length at the start of this book, more or less. Just wanted to put that out there, because I'm proud of that too.
They're ice blue. You would think that for the color, they would be cold, but somehow they hold the most warmth I've ever seen in my entire life. Instead, they shine with humor, looking lighter the more I observe them. That's the only part I've only ever seen.
Now I'm seeing a different part. A different side. If his eyes were diamonds, I would be observing an entirely different facet. It's only now that I see the shadow of pain behind his light. The drop of sky-blue clarity looks beautiful in the most broken way, eclipsed by the light fighting hard to be in front.
He wears a mask. I wish I'd seen it earlier.
My hand reaches under the table to offer the only comfort I can provide: my touch. He relaxes under it, but my heart is heavy knowing that he is suffering.
I remain playful throughout dinner. I put up my usual front. If needed, I'll be strong for all of us. I know that when I fall, he'll catch me. It's my turn to do the same for him. I've made up my mind. If he needs me, I'll be there for him.
When he's happy, something in me feels lighter inside. I want the security of knowing that I can be with him forever, that I'll never have to let go. Amy was right when she told me to fight. I want to be there for him. For her.
Keefe...
I catch his eyes and he smiles, his entire face lighting up just at the sight of me. For a moment I forget my struggle. Keefe seems happy with me. He seems at your best in this environment, knowing that these people are here and being able to laugh and joke with them. I can see him hiding so much sometimes.
I guess I really was selfish when I tried to push him away. Maybe it's better that he is with me. I just want him to be happy in the end.
Saying goodbye to Keefe is always harder than it should be. I guess that's the pull of a soulmate. I'm so lucky to have been blessed with such a good one.
I want to kiss him on the cheek when he leaves, but I'm not sure if that's too forward or not. Keefe and I really haven't done anything besides holding hands. I'm worried that we're moving to fast, but all the same I'm not afraid of the fact that we are.
When Maya calls, I confess all of this to her.
"I think I'm falling for him."
It feels surreal to let the words fall past my lips, and maybe even more so to feel my mouth carve into an instinctive smile at the thought.
"Wow, girl. That's big. Are you sure?" she asks me hesitantly. She hasn't found her soulmate just yet, but she has a good head on her shoulders, a reason I go to her for advice regardless.
"Even if I don't love him, I really, really like him. It's not going to be long," I say. "Being with him is...easy, Maya. Easier than I thought being with anyone could ever be."
"You're lucky to have found someone that treats you so well," she says in reply, shaking her head. I know we're both recalling her one failed relationship when she got dumped and got hurt. I can tell that she's happy for me, though.
"You'll find someone soon, I'm sure. It probably won't be long now," I tell her optimistically. Anyone would be lucky to have her.
Her blonde girls twirl in the air as she shakes her head, her clear blue-gray eyes blinking at me a she says softly, "I doubt it."
Maya has trust issues after her father divorcing her mother. She doesn't believe in love, or well, anything, really. She prefers not to hope, always assuming that she'll be disappointed. I hate that she doesn't bother with dreams, but all the same I know it's her self-preservation technique. Maya is practical in a way I'll never be.
"Sophie!" Grady calls from downstairs.
I look at Maya on the screen, smiling apologetically. "It looks like I've got to go. Take care, okay? We should call again sometime soon."
"Definitely," she says, "and you're the one who should take care. You're not going anywhere, right?"
"Do my best," I tell her, holding up my crossed fingers. With that, I click the red button to hang up and make way downstairs.
"I just got a call from Elwin," Grady tells me, his face very neutral. Then it drops. "He got your results back. It's looking like you're going to have to do another cycle, kiddo. I'm sorry."
Something lodges itself in my throat, but I swallow it down, smiling slightly. "That's okay. I knew something like this was possible. As long as I get better, right?"
He nods, forcing a smile back at me and putting the phone down on the counter from where he'd picked it up. "Right."
I hesitate. Then, "Thanks for letting me know right away."
He nods, and I turn and go back upstairs, my eyes watering as my previously good mood is lost. I don't turn back, my heart in my stomach. Sometimes everything just feels like I'm going to be doomed, no matter what I do.
I have to stay strong, though. For myself, and for all of us. I have to. I won't let myself cry, no matter how much it hurts.