While Head Sister Ursula and I navigated through the labyrinth of corridors to her office on the first floor, I was genuinely convinced that the entire world had gone mad and that I would soon wake up in my bed, soaking in sweat as a result of a confusing nightmare. However, the more times I pinched my arm in a feeble attempt to wake myself, the clearer it became to me that all of this was really happening. A foreboding feeling had settled in my stomach, as though my life was about to change forever and I could do nothing to stop it from happening.
Just silly thoughts, Kenna, I told myself, internally slamming my head against the wall. You're freaking out, and what for? Just wait and see what the Sister wants to tell you.
Head Sister Ursula's office was a large, ornate room with antique furniture and a marvelous chandelier made of colored crystals hanging from the high ceiling. As the Sister sat down behind her desk, I wrung my hands to give myself something to do.
She frowned at me. "Sit down, Kenna. This will be a long conversation, so I wouldn't recommend you keep standing there all afternoon."
I did as I was told, too nervous to utter a word. Head Sister Ursula rummaged around the neatly organized stacks of paper that littered her desk. The realization that she too felt uncomfortable disrupted my already messed up heart rhythm even more.
At last, she straightened up, seeming to brace herself as if she was going to battle. "Although I knew this day would come, I have dreaded it nonetheless," she whispered. She had kept her eyes closed whilst saying this, but now they snapped open, her gaze so fierce it would have burned my skin if it had been tangible. "But, since Captain Marks arrived too early, I guess I don't have much choice but to tell you the truth now."
I had finally recovered the ability to speak. "What truth, Sister?"
She sighed, her eyes drifting off to a place or time I couldn't see. "Why don't I start from the beginning?" She cleared her throat. "A long time ago, a Seer named Xia Jutín made a prophecy about a girl born with both Light and Dark magic. As you know, this phenomenon has never occurred in this world because Light and Darkness can't coexist in one vessel. Yet, Xia was adamant, and since she was a powerful Seer and her previous prophecies had all come true, the Order, the Sorcerer's Guild and the Brunwill Academy decided to join forces and find this mysterious girl. According to Xia, she would be the only one capable of stopping the Darkness from spreading across our world and ultimately swallowing it whole. She would have the power to defeat the Dark Sorcerers and crush their rise to power."
Darkness ... Dark Sorcerers ... What did all of that have to do with me?
Head Sister Ursula took both of my hands in hers, squeezing them. Her thumb brushed the back of my hand while she spoke, a soothing gesture that helped me focus on the story she was telling. "For many centuries, the three institutions kept records of every newborn Sorceress, hoping that one of them would be the girl they were looking for. Unfortunately, none of the children appeared to possess the extraordinary abilities that Xia had spoken of. All those in service of the Light grew desperate since the Darkness only seemed to spread faster with each passing year. The Light was starting to lose the fight and if this girl wasn't born anytime soon, her powers would no longer have any use. That was until seventeen years and three hundred sixty-three days ago, another female Dark Child was brought to the orphanage of Windegar."
Windegar ... That was where the White Sisters had found me as a baby. Coincidence?
Come on, Kenna. Don't be a fool.
"When the Guild's envoys arrived at the orphanage, they immediately knew they had found the girl from Xia's prophecy. Her Darkness was strong, much stronger than usual, yet there was also a sparkle of Light inside her. The envoys decided to take the child to the Monastery of the Order of the White Sisters so that we could teach her about Light magic, hoping that it would grow intertwined with her natural Darkness. We assumed that she would need a certain competence in both forms of magic to fulfill her destiny."
The Sister paused to take a deep breath. My hands were still clasped in hers, the knuckles turning white due to the strength with which I clung to her for support. I didn't want to hear what she was going to say next, because then I could still convince myself that I didn't already know what her next words would be.
"You are that girl, Kenna," she said, a single tear glistening by the corner of her eye. "You are the Dark Sorceress who is destined to save the world from Darkness. We have been raising you to fight it, to eradicate it. If you don't, all hope for life as we know it will be lost."
My body felt numb, sprawled on that chair like a puppet with cut strings. My ears rang, making it impossible to hear any sound but the voice of my inner thoughts. The compassion on Head Sister Ursula's face made me feel uncomfortable.
How could I possibly be a Dark Sorceress without knowing I was? How could I be ... evil? Sure, I liked to get into trouble, but there wasn't anything bad about that, was there?
Head Sister Ursula must have noticed that my mind was a turmoil of burning questions, because her hazel eyes turned softer. "Think about it, Kenna. Healing magic, which is typically a Light ability, is difficult for you to use. You like to live at night. You feel attracted to everything that balances on the border of what is morally correct. Sister Clementine told me what you did with Rafa today; you can control animals, make them obey you with only a slight effort on your part."
She stayed quiet for a moment, tucking a loose strand of black hair that had escaped from her braid behind her ear. I looked down at our hands, her dark skin a stark contrast with my pale complexion.
"Do you remember that time when Sister Letitia accidentally set the kitchen on fire? She had tried to bake muffins, following Sister Elma's famous recipe," she mused. "After a minute, half the kitchen was already on fire. We tried to extinguish the flames with our magic, but Light Sorcerers aren't very good at fire manipulation. And then you suddenly came in, startled by our panicked screams, and you extinguished the fire in a matter of seconds. All the while, your irises burned with that same fire."
Orange irises, a sign that a Sorcerer was using Dark magic.
My whole body convulsed with heavy sobs. This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be true.
But I already knew it was, deep down, in some hidden part of my mind which had somehow always known.
"Sister, if I'm really a Dark Sorceress, how can I eradicate the Darkness?" I asked, my voice weak and thick with tears. "I'm supposed to thrive on it. You said that I'm more powerful than other Dark Sorcerers, and I know that my Light magic is weaker than most Light Sorcerers, so how would I ever be able to fight the Dark Side?"
She shook her head. "Sadly, I do not know that either. If it had been easy, someone would have done it already a long time ago." She gave me a reassuring smile when she saw the panicked look on my face. "However, I know a place where you can start looking for answers. Visit Xia Jutín's grave and summon her spirit. As the Seer who made the prophecy in the first place, she ought to be able to answer at least some of your questions."
My tears dried up on my cheeks, replaced by bafflement. "Summon her?"
"Yes. Dark Sorcerers can do that far more easily than Light Sorcerers. You know the ritual, Kenna; I taught it to you a few years ago."
"But I don't even know how to use Dark magic consciously!"
"You do know," she said, her eyes boring into mine. "It's your nature to rely on it and it will serve you whenever you call upon it."
By the Light, this was all becoming too much. When I would get out of this room at last, I would crawl in bed and sleep for the entire next decade. A part of me wanted to storm out right now, childish as it was, and lock myself up in the cramped space of my room, my safe haven, to deny the ridiculousness of my new reality. Yet, the Sisters had raised me to be a responsible woman. Running away from my future, no matter how different it turned out to be from my expectations, would serve no one's interest, especially not mine.
"And Rowan—I mean, Captain Marks, is supposed to accompany me on my journey to Xia's grave? That's what he told me."
"Indeed."
"But why, Sister? What do I need a guard for? Am I in danger?" Fear squeezed my throat shut like the rope suffocated the man hanging on the gallows. With every word I spoke, the rope cut deeper.
A great sadness appeared in Head Sister Ursula's eyes and the corners of her mouth crept downward. "Of course you are in danger, my child. In the Monastery, you're safe. Our protective barriers keep Dark forces out and largely suppress your Darkness. However, after you leave this place, the Dark Sorcerers' magic will eventually detect you and your powers. Once they realize that you are the Sorceress from the prophecy, they will come after you. Either to recruit you and persuade you to join their forces, or to kill you."
The rope squeezed even tighter, cutting off my airways. I swallowed hard, choking, straining every muscle in my body to stop an imminent panic attack. A warm hand cupped my cheek and I looked up into a pair of caring, hazel eyes.
"It's completely normal to feel confused and scared right now, Kenna," the Sister whispered. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you all of this sooner, but I didn't think you were ready."
"And what if I'm still not ready?" My voice quivered with barely restrained anxiety.
"You aren't," she replied bluntly. "The difference is that we're almost out of time. We have allowed the Darkness to fester for too long, but we were forced to wait until you had finished your training. It would have been irresponsible to have sent you on a quest without the necessary experience in the field of magic. But now you have completed your training." She gave me a watery smile, but it faltered as she continued to look at my tear-streaked face. "I'm so sorry, Kenna."
She jumped up and walked around the desk to wrap her arms around me and hold me in a tight embrace. I buried my face against her chest.
"What if the Darkness inside me eventually starts taking over, Sister?" It took me a considerable effort to get the words out at this point. "What if I can't do what the prophecy says and join the Dark Side instead? If I lose control, I might help destroy the world instead of save it."
"Kenna, you need to listen to me very carefully now." She pushed me a few inches away, far enough so that she could look me in the eye. "You will be tested. Once you leave the safety of the Monastery, your powers will awake from their slumber. The other Sisters and I have tried to prepare you for that moment, but I'm not sure it will be enough. You will have to learn to control these powers, Kenna, and in doing so, you'll have to make a choice. You'll have to choose who you want to be. Only you can make that choice, no matter how hard we have sought to guide you toward the Light. However, as long as you remember that you have a choice, that the Darkness inside you doesn't necessarily determine your path, you're not lost yet. Promise me that you'll remember, Kenna. Promise me you'll remember that you have a choice."
I nodded, more tears blurring my vision. By the Light, would I ever stop crying? I would have to eat a pound of salt to replenish the supply in my body. "I promise I'll remember."
"Good."
Rubbing my eyes, I gently freed myself from her embrace and slumped back in my chair. "What is it like, out there? The world?"
Despite the regular short visits to Hymdarr and Vallýs to buy provisions, I had never traveled outside of the Monastery. I loved life at the Monastery, but I often caught myself staring at the night sky from my bed and wondering what more was out there. What I was missing.
Head Sister Ursula leaned against her desk, folding her hands in her lap. "It's different," she answered. "Hectic. Less peaceful and quiet. But I think you'll like it." She studied my face thoughtfully. "You have never been cut out for a life here at the Monastery, Kenna. You are too curious and adventurous. Out there, you will meet plenty of new people, both people you'll like and people you'd rather throttle before another stupid word leaves their mouths." She grimaced, and I giggled. "You will go to places so wonderful that they cannot be described in words. Once you have seen even a fraction of our world, you will never want to come back here. Trust me." There was an undertone of melancholy in her words.
I had always regarded Head Sister Ursula as a tough, cool-headed woman, born to lead. She was the beating heart of the Order and carried endless responsibilities on her shoulders, yet she never complained, as the tower of strength she had always been for the rest of us. The only time I had seen her truly upset was when sweet Sister Georgina had died at the age of ninety-two. Therefore, I found it quite unnerving to watch her distressed figure now, looking outside the window beside her desk to the world that lay beyond the walls of the Monastery.
I untangled her fingers and took one of her hands in mine, hoping that the gesture would comfort her. She was the closest thing I had to a mother and I wanted to make her feel better, regardless of my own troubled feelings. "I disagree, Sister. I will always want to come back here. This is my home. No matter what I will find on my quest, nothing could ever change that."
She squeezed my hand. "I suppose that's true. And we will always be here, waiting for you to tell us all about your adventures."
"Thank you, Sister," I whispered. "I'll never forget that."