Katsuki's POV:
We start school tomorrow and I've been okay. I went to a therapy session once yesterday and it turns out the sessions will be every Monday. Shoto and I are going out this weekend to make up for the fact that we couldn't go out on Christmas. I've also stayed at Mr. Aizawa's since I got out of the hospital and I can tell that it really meant a lot to him. He was so happy when I told him and Mic that I was going with them instead of the dorms.
I felt like it would be okay if I went with them. They're great people. They officially adopted Shinso this past weekend which means he can finally stay with them instead of his other foster home. They still need to process my adoption papers, so if anything, it'll be official before this month ends.
The therapist had me there for like 3 hours. At first, she did an introduction and then she got into the serious stuff. She asked me questions here and there while we played cards and she concluded that I did in fact have anxiety and depression. It hit me when she confirmed it. I didn't think I was that bad. Like yeah I cut myself, but it wasn't a lot. Like maybe I was just overreacting. When I told her that, she just took down some more notes. It really confused me and made me more anxious, just great.
The session took forever to end and then she told me that she'd see me every Monday at 6. Then she told me that next time, she'd figure out if she needed to prescribe me with medication. When she said medication, I freaked out. I didn't need medication, I was fine, I'm normal. I was just exaggerating everything and I definitely did not need medication.
When I walked out to the waiting room, Shoto was waiting for me. My mood was different. I just kept thinking about the therapist thinking that I needed medication. I don't. That's where I am now. In my room at Mr. Aizawa's thinking about needing medication. I don't want medication. I don't need it. I'm okay. When I told Shoto about it, he could tell that I was freaked out about it. He just hugged me and let me ramble about me not needing it. When we pulled away he said, "She doesn't know if you need medication yet. Just don't let it get to you, okay?"
He's so supportive and he always knows what to say. How did I end up being with someone so loving? How was I able to have enough luck to be able to get someone to like me? Just how? It's mind boggling. Sometimes I doubt it, but then that would mean that he's lying. Shoto wouldn't lie, right? No, he wouldn't. He's an amazing person and thinking that he would lie is just crazy. I sigh heavily and bury my head in my pillow.
The doctors said that my scars would be fine, but I have to apply a cream to them. It would be fine if I didn't have to get someone else to help me with my back. I hate for people to see them. They're so ugly and they were made by my rapist. The guy who raped me. The one who took me. Who made my life worse than it already was. I start breathing erratically. I gave myself a panic attack, great. Way to go Katsuki. I quickly get off the bed and start pacing the room. Stop stop stop stop. Just stop thinking like that. Stop thinking about that.
I try taking deep breaths. I lift my hands over my head. The therapist told me to do this if I ever had a panic attack. She also told me to repeat the names of something that I like. For instance, the Marvel Universe. There's Hulk, or Bruce Banner, played my Mark Ruffalo but I like saying 'Shark Buffalo' cause it makes Shoto laugh. Iron Man, or Tony Stark, played by Robert Downey Jr. Thor who is played by Chris Hemsworth. Captain America, or Steve Rogers, who is played by Chris Evans.
I just continue reciting more people in the Marvel movies. I repeat them over and over, but it's not working. I start crying because of how messed up I am. Just calm down. That's all I have to do and I can't. I go lock the door quickly to make sure no one walks in on me freaking out. As soon as I lock it, I go to my bed and grab a pillow. My breathing is so loud and if anyone heard, they'd come busting in and I don't want anyone to see. I sit on the floor and rock back and forth, covering my ears. My knees are up and that's holding the pillow to my face. Everything is so loud. My heartbeat, my breathing, the fan, just everything.
"Just breathe, just breathe, I'll be fine. Just calm down, it's not happening again," I whisper to myself, in between breaths. It's not working. I just keep remembering what he did. What Mother did. What they said to me. How they made me feel small. I need to calm down right now. I can't keep feeling like this. I can't keep freaking out because of something like thinking. My breathing turns into gasps and my crying is just making it worse. I rock myself harder and close my eyes so tight that I feel like they're burning. Covering my ears doesn't work and it makes me feel helpless.
I hear a knock on the door and then the knob jiggles. "Bakugo? Are you in there?" It's Shinso. He can't see me like this. I don't want him to see me like this. If he does, he'll judge me. He'll laugh at me. Maybe he'll start messing with me. I don't want that. Please don't let that happen. No, it can't happen. "Hey, are you alright in there? Aizawa and Mic left and they told me to check in on you," he says as he knocks again. "Hey open up, you're starting to scare me, I heard harsh breathing. Wait, oh is Shoto in there? Are you guys like, um?" Everything stops and I laugh.
My breathing is still rapid and shaky, but I'm not freaking out anymore. "Okay, um I guess I'll leave you alone," he says awkwardly. "N-no he's not in here. I swear. I'm okay," I yell out. It's not really a yell, but I say it as loud as I can without running out of breath. "Thanks for checking in on me," I say. I hear him walk up to the door and he says, "Are you really okay? I know we're not close and all, but if you wanna talk or something, I can give advice or whatever. I kinda know what you've been through."
I get up slowly and wipe the tears from my eyes. I'm still sobbing a bit, but I take a deep breath and let it out shaking before opening the door. He looks at me and then his eyes widen in shock. "Yo, are you okay? You're safe here. There's a lot of security cameras and sensors, it might look like a regular house, but it's pretty secure," he says as he walks in. I don't look him in the eye. "Um thanks for telling me that, it makes me feel better. I'm alright now, I just, um, I don't know. I'm alright," I tell him.
He nods hesitantly. "Okay, I guess. Just remember that I'm here if you wanna talk. We should hang out some time," he says as he walks out. He turns as he closes the door. "Yeah, that sounds cool, Shinso," I tell him. He smiles at me and I smile back. It's small, but it's there. When he closes the door, I walk up to it and lock it. I hear another door close down the hallway and I know it as Shinso's room because I've memorized where everyone's room is. Just in case, you know?
I don't even make it to the bed before I start crying again. Why am I so messed up? Why can't I just be happy now? I'm not in an abusive home anymore. My rapist and kidnappers are in jail. I have a loving family and a boyfriend who I'm in love with and he loves me back. How can't I be happy with that?
I get on my bed and get under the blanket. It's kind of cold, and I'm tired. All this crying and freaking out is very exhausting. I sob into my pillow and lie down on my side. I grab the giant polar bear that I got at the carnival on mine and Shoto's date. I hug it tightly and bury my face in it as I slowly drift off to sleep while tears stream down my face.
~~~~~
I wake up to someone shaking me. I sit up quickly and look at Mr. Aizawa with pure fear in my eyes. When I see that it's him, I sigh in relief and look at him questioningly. He looks worried and says, "I got scared when your door was locked, so I opened it when you didn't answer. Are you okay, Bakugo? Have you been crying?" I sit up straight and shake my head. "No, I haven't been crying. Why would you ask?" I ask, lying. "Don't lie Bakugo, your eyes are all red and puffy. Also why'd you have your door locked?"
I look at the door and then back at him. "I don't know, I changed, so maybe I left it locked. Also I just woke up so maybe that's why my eyes are red," I say, lying again. He sighs and nods hesitantly. "I don't believe you, but okay. When you're ready to talk about it, I'll be here. We won't judge you, Bakugo. You're part of this family now whether you like it or not," he says as he walks to the door. He stands at the doorway and says, "Dinner is ready, so come eat now." I nod and get up. I walk to the mirror and look at my face. It's still red, how long did I sleep for? It couldn't have been long if my eyes are still red.
I sigh and go to the restroom quickly to splash some water on my face. I turn on the faucet and quickly put water on my face. I look at the mirror and see that my eyes are still super red and puffy. I sigh loudly and take a deep breath as I try fanning my eyes to make them less red. My nose is red too, so I have to make sure it's not red either. I can't stay in here for too long or they'll get worried. I have to hurry. I take a few more deep breaths, splash some more water on my face, and carefully dry my face so that I don't rub it and make it more red.
I look in the mirror quickly as I'm leaving and see that my face is still red. Ugh, I've taken too long, I have to go now. I turn off the light and walk I to the dining room. Mic, Mr. Aizawa, and Shinso are all talking about school as I walk in. There's a plate next to Present Mic and in front of Shinso. Mr. Aizawa is next to Shinso and in front of Mic. Shinso looks at me and frowns a bit. Mr. Aizawa just gives me a look and I know he's worried about me.
I look down at my plate and say, "Thank you for dinner. It smells great." Mic just smiles and pats me on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it," he says. Then sudden contact scares me a bit, but I don't jump or show any sign of fear. I need to calm down. I grab my fork and dig in. It's salmon with mixed vegetables. It tastes great, but I don't look up at anyone. I don't want to be seen with a red and puffy face. "Hey Bakugo, you wanna go to the park tomorrow after school? It'll be cool," he says. I take a bite and nod. "Yeah sounds good to me," I say. It sounds normal and I'm thankful for that.
I kind of want to be alone right now. I just want to go back to sleep and listen to music. I think Mr. Aizawa notices this because he says, "Bakugo you can go whenever you're finished. We won't make you stay if you don't want to, okay?" I nod and say, "Thank you again." I go to the kitchen and wash my plate and fork before quietly walking back to my room. I close the door behind me and get in bed. I get my phone and earbuds to play some music so that I could sleep.
When I turn my phone on, I see that I've gotten a few texts from Kirishima and Shoto. I open Shoto's first since he texted me first.
Snowflake- Hey Katsuki, what's up?
6:31
Snowflake- I can't wait to see you tomorrow, I miss you
6:31
Snowflake- You're probably busy, so I'll let you be. I love you
6:32
Me- Hey, sorry I was asleep and I just finished eating dinner. I'm going back to sleep, so I'll text you in the morning. I love you too and I also miss you a lot
7:27
Snowflake- We'll talk tomorrow, okay? Goodnight, I'll see you tomorrow
7:28
I sigh and then open Kirishima's texts. I see them and I quickly reply.
Kirishima- Hey bro, how are you doing?
7:03
Kirishima- You want to hang out this week? I'm free
7:06
Me- Yeah sure sounds great. I have plans tomorrow and this weekend so let's hang out on Thursday?
7:30
Kirishima- Yeah that's good for me. Can't wait
7:31
Me- Okay well I'm tired, so I'm gonna sleep. I'll see you tomorrow, bye
7:31
Kirishima- Goodnight dude, see you tomorrow
7:31
I sigh and plug in my earbuds. I go to the window and close the curtains. It's now pretty dark and I sigh as I lay back down. I plug in my phone to charge and make sure my alarm is set. 'The Tide' by Niall Horan starts playing. I slowly fall asleep, hugging my giant stuffed polar bear.
~~~~~
I wake up to my alarm ringing. As I sit up, I sigh heavily thinking about today. I get up and grab my stuff to go shower. I walk into the restroom and do my business before washing my hands and brushing my teeth. When I'm done with that, I take off my shirt. When I look in the mirror, I see all the ugly scars. I look at them closely and count every single one, even the ones on my back. I have 43 scars on my body, not including the ones on my wrist.
A few tears fall as I continue looking at the mirror. The door opens suddenly as I'm just looking in the mirror and I quickly turn around and see Shinso looking at me. His hair is a mess and his eyes scream tired, but he looks shocked. "Oh um, I'm so sorry. I didn't know anyone was in here yet, I'm so sorry, I'll um just go now," he says, wide-eyed. He closes the door quickly and I stand there, still shocked. I lock the door and then punch the counter angrily. Why the fuck didn't I lock the door. I always lock the door. Now he's going to think that I just left it unlocked so that someone would see.
I crouch down to the floor and hold myself. Why? Why didn't I remember to lock the fricking door? I'm such a screw up. Shinso saw the ugly scars. Only Mr. Aizawa and Shoto had seen them, up until now. Now Shinso is another person who knows how ugly and scarred my body is. I get up and turn on the shower as I think about how I would tell him not to tell anyone. I have to hurry so that he can use the restroom. I quickly get in and turn on the water. I move quickly and finish in like 8 minutes. My hand hurts from punching the counter so hard.
I get out and dry myself quickly before putting on the scar cream. I can't reach the ones on my back, so I don't put any on those. Maybe I'll ask Shoto later. If not, I'll just figure out a way to do it myself. I put on my uniform. I grab my hand carefully and blow some air onto it. It hurts quite a lot, I shouldn't have punched the sink. I fix my hair quickly and grab my dirty clothes and other stuff. I turn off the light as I leave the restroom and head to my room. I put my stuff where it goes and walk to Shinso's room. I knock and he says, "Come in." I open the door and he looks up at me. He was on his phone. "I'm done with the restroom, sorry I took long. Also, I'm sorry you had to see that. Just please don't tell anyone about it, okay?" I speak quietly and look at him with an ashamed face.
He nods, "Yeah no problem. You didn't take long at all and thanks for telling me that the restroom is free. I would never tell anyone about that. Do they hurt?" I shake my head. "No, they don't," I tell him. He nods and sighs in relief. "Oh okay, that's good. Don't worry about it though. Your scars don't define you. You're you and some stupid guy who hurts people doesn't get to control your life. It's yours and only you can decide what you do with it. We're leaving at 8, so be ready by then, okay? Aizawa told me to tell you," he says as he walks towards me with clothes. I say, "Okay thanks for that."
He smiles at me tiredly. I move out of his way and go to my room. I still have about 40 minutes until 8 so I just lay down. I look at the ceiling and think about the therapy session. It was supposed to help me but all it did was ruin my mood. I feel more anxious and I can't stop freaking out. I feel like absolute shit and I probably look like it too. The days after I woke up in the hospital were alright. I was with Shoto the whole time and we just watched a lot of Netflix and played a lot of games. We also talked about a lot. After I was released from the hospital, I had to go to the therapy session and I thought it would help.
When I came out, Shoto looked at me, smiling. I just didn't look him in the eyes and hugged him. He could tell something was wrong and I just didn't want to talk. I've been stuck ever since then. I don't know why. I just feel worse now that I know that I do have depression. I have depression. That's messed up. No, I'm messed up. I'm the one that needs help and medication. What if I'm just doing it for attention? Maybe I just made it all up in my head. I'm just looking for attention, yeah that's it.
I pull at my hair and then jump off the bed, quickly. I pace back and forth, trying to calm myself down. It works a bit and I grab my phone quickly from the bed and see that Shoto texted me again.
Snowflake- Goodmorning Katsuki, how'd you sleep?
7:00
Me- Goodmorning Shoto. I slept alright. No nightmares, so that's a plus. I just want to see you already
7:32
Snowflake- I want to see you too. You wanna talk before class? I'm getting to school early so we can talk in the dorms
7:36
Me- Yeah, sounds good. I just want to talk. I'm not feeling good
7:36
Snowflake- Okay Katsuki, I'll be there when you arrive. I'm leaving right now so I'll be there in around 10 minutes
7:36
Me- I'm so lucky I have you as my boyfriend
7:37
Snowflake- I'm the lucky one. You're one of the most important people in my life
7:37
Me- You're wrong, I'll see you at your dorm
7:37
I turn off my phone and sigh heavily. I hear a buzz and I know that he texted me again, but I don't want to see it. I don't even know why I feel the way I feel right now. I'm just so annoyed because I can't figure myself out. How does Shoto even stand me? He's selfless, so maybe he's just doing everything for me now. He can't get out of being with me, so he's just sticking through it. Today I'll give him another out. If he doesn't want to be with me, he can leave me today with no consequences.
I get on my phone and open Shoto's message. I reply because I don't like leaving people hanging.
Snowflake- Why would you say that? You know I wouldn't lie to you. We're really going to talk Katsuki
7:38
Me- I'm sorry, I'm just in a mood, I know you wouldn't lie to me. Yeah we will talk
7:53
I disconnect my phone from the charger and put the charger in my backpack. I have my money in my wallet. They gave me back all my belongings after the hospital. I quickly put on my bracelet from the side of my bed and walk out of the room with my giant stuffed polar bear and backpack. I'm taking my polar bear back to the dorms. I like sleeping with it.
I sit on the couch, waiting to leave. I shuffle my 'soft music' playlist again and then Mr. Aizawa walks out. Mic follows him and then they call Shinso. Shinso comes out from his room and he waves at us. "Goodmorning to you too, Shinso," Mr. Aizawa says. Mic just smiles at him and they start walking out. "Lock the door behind you, Bakugo," Mic says. I nod and then turn around to lock it. Then I go to the car and get in.
Mic plays some music and I listen to my own. I can tell that they know something is wrong. I just don't want to talk about it just yet because I don't even know what's wrong with me. After about 10 minutes, we get to the school. We all get off and we say bye. I turn to Shinso and say, "Um were going to the park after school. So um what time?" He looks at me worriedly and says, "Like at 6." I nod and quickly turn around to walk to the dorms. I get there and run into the elevator. I just want to be with Shoto right now.
When the elevator doors open on the 2nd floor, I walk out and head to Shoto's room. I knock on the door and he opens it quickly. When he sees me, he lets out this happy sigh. I'm kind of nervous to tell him that he has an out. He probably will take it. He hugs me tightly and I'm taken aback. The hug is kind of weird since I'm hugging the stuffed animal. "I've been worried about you, come in," he says. I hug him back and then we let go before I walk in. He closes the door behind him and he turns around. "I need you to show me your wrists," he says. I nod and lift up my sleeve. There's only old scars and he nods as he sits on the bed.
I put the stuffed animal down and stand right by the door. "Um, before we start, I have to say something. I'm giving you a chance to leave. I know I'm messed up. I don't know why, I've got a better life now and I still feel stuck. Pretty soon I'm going to take medication. That's how messed up I am, so yeah. If you want to be done with me, just tell me now and I'll go," I tell him. I'm trying my hardest not to cry. He looks me in the eye and says, "I'm not going to take an 'out' Katsuki. I'm never going to leave you. I'm in love with you. I love everything about you. Your smile, your laugh, your hair, you eyes, your personality, your energy, your voice, the way you bite your pen when you focus in school, when your eye brows crease when you look at me weirdly, when you stick out your tongue as you study, your sarcasm, you. Just you in general. When I think about you, I think about how happy I am. With you, I'm happy. All I want to do is make sure you're happy, so we're going to talk."
I don't even know what to say. I feel like crying. "I-um, I'm sorry," I say. "I've been feeling really down lately and I don't know why. I have a family now. A real family. I know that my friends actually like me. I have a boyfriend who loves me. Who makes me feel worthy of love, but right now, I don't feel worthy of anything. I just don't know why. I feel trapped. Like I'm stuck in that room with Shigaraki. He has me and he keeps me there so that he can keep me feeling down. I feel helpless all over again. I feel small and I hate this feeling. I hate it and those are the only things I feel right now. I feel small, helpless, mad, annoyed, stupid, like a freak, like a loser, and I just can't escape these feelings. Help me, just please, I need help," I tell him as I fall apart right in front of him. "When the therapist said that I have depression and anxiety, it hit me. It hit me hard and when she said that she'd probably prescribe me with medication, my whole world stopped and not in a good way. I hate this Shoto."
He stands up and hugs me tightly. "I'm going to help you. I'm going to be here for you. We're going to have to talk to Mr. Aizawa about this. He has to know what you're going through and how to help you. The therapy sessions will take a while, and just because you need medication, doesn't mean you're a freak. It just means that you need a little push. There's nothing wrong with that, okay? I promise you that there's nothing wrong with it," he says as he grabs my hand. I wince a bit and he quickly looks up at me. "What happened?" I look at my hand and lift it up to his face.
"I forgot to lock the door as I was looking at my scars and Shinso walked in. He saw them. I got mad at myself and punched the sink as hard as I could," I say softly as I look down at the floor. He's probably annoyed with me right now. He grabs my hand and kisses it lightly. I look up at him, embarrassed. "Did you just kiss my hand?" He looks at me and smiles. He's blushing and says, "Um yeah. Was that okay? It's weird isn't it? I was trying to be romantic, but now I'm explaining myself and you're letting me ramble."
I smile a bit at the floor and say, "Um, it was romantic, it just came out of nowhere. Thank you Shoto." I hug him tightly and he sighs in relief as soon as I wrap my arms around him. It makes me smile because it's like he likes my hugs so much that he sighs in relief. He does it all the time and it makes me happy. "I feel happy around you. You make me feel like this even on my worst days," I tell him. He hugs me tighter and then he pulls away. "Let's get to class, it's almost nine," he tells me with a smile I nod. Then he says, "Okay let's go to class now." "Wait let me grab my bag," I tell him. "Oh yeah we need those." I laugh at him.
We laugh and grab them quickly before he takes my left hand again. We head downstairs quickly and he grabs a Ziplock bag and puts some ice in it. I look at him questioningly and he looks at my right hand. "Ohh, yeah," I say. He takes my left hand once again and starts running with me in tow. We're almost at class and as we're running down the hallway towards the door, we see Mr. Aizawa. He looks at us and gives us a knowing look. I smile nervously and laugh. "You guys were almost late, get in," He says as we stand there. We listen and get inside. Shoto hands me the ice pack and we go to our own seats.
When I sit down, I put my phone away and see my screensaver. It's me and Shoto on Halloween. We have our ridiculous matching costumes on and we're trying not to laugh but it's clearly a failed attempt. It makes me smile and try not to think about anything bad. I think about how Mr. Aizawa is such a good parental figure. He doesn't have to adopt me to make me feel like his kid. Shinso is really nice and I'm glad that Kaminari is dating him and not some loser. Mic is like the cool parent. I have great friends like Kirishima and Kaminari. Just everyone has been really supportive and I should just let myself feel their support. I should accept it and stop trying to push it away.
I sigh and just try to focus on what Mr. Aizawa is saying. Just be happy and don't let anything get to you. Don't think about anything bad and you're gonna be fine, I tell myself. I put the ice pack on my hand and it feels really nice. Mr. Aizawa sees me and sends me a knowing look. Crap he's going to want to talk to me during lunch.
***
Word Count: 5125
Ahhh so I just finished the chapter and it's going up before 12!! That's a win in my book. Lol. Also guess who has major anxiety about starting school again tomorrow?? Ughhh I hate feeling so anxious, it's so annoying and I feel like crying about it. Lol, I'm not though, hopefully. Anyways, I've been fixing typos in past chapters, starting with the first one. I should be done by the end of this month hopefully. I'm getting college classes this semester and they're going to be stressful. I only get 2, and the other 3 classes will be regular high school classes. Oof, you don't care about that but I'm just trying to write about it so that I'm less anxious. Okay I'll stop now. I love you all and I just want to thank you all sooooo much. The next chapter will go up on Friday and I'll fix typos in this chapter when I can <3