Chapter 64 - Unperceived
July 14, 2019, evening
Halos maubos na ni Perci ang kuko niya at mga kalyo. Fidgeting wasn't enough to calm his nerves.
Simula kasi nang umalis ang ate Lee niya kanina, hindi niya na alam ang gagawin niya. He wanted to call her, lest send some text messages, but he first wanted to gauge the extent of the situation.
Kung anong alam nito at kung paano niya ipapaliwanag ang mga bagay na nangyari.
He felt raw and exposed.
Lahat ng sinusulat niya doon, he wrote without any filter. Without any pretence. Pero ebolusyon 'yun ng mga nararamdaman niya sa loob ng ilang taon.
Just like what Lee asked him to do, he processed his feelings through these journals. Ang tanungan niya kung tama ba 'yung nararamdaman niya sa bawat sitwasyon na inihaharap siya ng mundo. Takbuhan niya kapag nalilito siya, kapag kinu-kuwestiyon niya ang konsensya niya. Sukatan kung gaano na kalayo ang narating niya maturidad niya.
Lahat-lahat ng nasa isip niya nandoon.
But like a lot of things, some of his thoughts also develop— a lot of things change. Kasabay ng paghanap at pagsagot niya ng ibang tanong, may mga nadidiskubre din siyang bago sa buhay at sa sarili niya, salamat sa pagsusulat niya ng lahat ng importanteng nararamdaman niya.
Minsan, kapag binabalikan niya, nagtataka o natatawa siya sa mga dating nakasulat. Madalas namamangha na lang siya sa pinagbago niya. But he also becomes so sad when his character relapses. Pero ganoon talaga. People get better and worse.
Pero ang mahalaga, he can track himself. Hindi naman talaga siya madaling tumanda ng mga bagay-bagay. Pero kapag nagugulat sa kanya ang mga tao sa paligid niya, he just smiles. But in truth is, his journals are his hacks. He keeps on writing and writing the important events and take aways of his life, at sa huli, natatandaan niya na.
Pero ngayon, hindi niya talaga alam kung anong posisyon niya at gagawin niya.
Hindi niya napaghandaan ang panahon na may makakabasa ng journal niya sa ganoong paraan. Everybody that he knew has put a great deal of privacy and personal space. Hindi niya maintindihan kung bakit nagawa 'yun ng ate niya.
He banged his fist on the bar. Naggalawan ang ibang mga basong nakapatong doon, kabilang na ang tatlong shot glass ng nainom niyang vodka.
"Relax, Perseus." Ani Miguel. Ang bartender ng Ragnanival— Perci's favorite night bar after he dested La Renta.
"Sorry..."
"Nandiyan lang si Monique, nabadtrip ka na naman."
"Ha?"
Doon niya lang napansin na nandoon nga si Monique sa dance floor. Akala tuloy ni Miguel na ito ang dahilan kung bakit siya nahampas ang bar.
He looked at her. Still the same party girl he liked. Pretty. Laid back. The kind of girl who looked better in motions. While dancing. While flipping her hair. While smiling and looking back at him as she jogs. While making out.
He has always liked these kinds of girls. Kaya rin naman nagustuhan niya rin si Monique even though they only get acquainted through Tinder.
Napailing si Miguel as he looked at Perci gazing at Monique thinking he was mesmerized again.
But he was just musing over things in retrospect.
That maybe Monique wasn't wrong at all when she became jealous. Maybe it showed a lot that day when he saw Lee again.
He used to think he loved the energy. The spirited. That he loved the slowmo he sees in the impetuous. But ever since he was young, he knew he liked the hushed. The headstrong. He knew she was very driven to chase his brother all those years, but it was her silence that reigned him in and pulled him closer.
But he never nurtured that feeling. He thought he was young and it didn't hurt him seeing her with his brother. He was only awkward when they display signs of intimacy but he never wondered how and why his brother changed because of her.
Did he love her?
That was his last unanswered question. Spanning for years and years in his journal. Because he wasn't sure. He only sometimes misses her. Maybe for the fact that he saved him, twice. His sanity. And his life. But he was never as heartbroken as his brother.
Yes, it also pained him a lot when she left without a word. But more of an extension of his brother's hurt. His life went on after, although he has been hiding a big bout of guilt because he knew his reasons.
His respect for the girl was so high even from the beginning. When he first saw her. Pero habang nakikita at nakikita niya ito ng paulit-ulit noon, he never knew it will still shoot higher than he could ever imagine. He has never seen such a girl and back then he was sure he liked her.
He wanted to find someone like her for himself, too. And maybe his dirty little secret when he was young, was that even though he respects his brother so much, too, he is so envious that he found someone like that to love him despite his darkness.
He continued to admire her from afar. But from day one, from the moment Lee told him that she liked his brother so much, kahit hindi pa ibinabalik noon ng kapatid niya lahat ng pagmamahal ni Lee dito, Perci knew he couldn't get this girl for himself.
Na kahit pa siguro hindi magustuhan ng kapatid niya si Lee despite all her lovely pursuits, he will still stay in his place, quietly admiring her. Because she considers him as a little brother. Sometimes even a son. And he can't break that bond for her. He will never wish for something more just because of his unexplained weird feelings.
So when his brother started accepting his feelings, the more he knew that his feelings were impossible. He started ignoring the throb, but allows the excitement every time he sees her. It wasn't easy, but he is a guy of many distractions. He did so well. And then she left.
The first time he heard she was back, kinabahan siya. Pero hindi niya alam kung dahil ba sa kuya niya, his guilt, or maybe because he misses her, too. Ang totoo, nag-antay muna siya ng ilang saglit sa labas ng school ng kuya niya pagtapos niya itong maihatid galing airport noong araw na 'yun. But he also left.
And the moment they accidentally saw each other at La Renta, he was just happy. Real happy to see her again. But his feelings. He is still wondering if it's back, or the happiness is only because of the satisfaction of seeing that one person who never said goodbye before.
Kaya galit na galit siya when Monique hurt her that day.
He drank another shot of vodka to down all his worries and ill feelings away, at naramdaman na rin siguro ni Monique ang mga titig niya. She was suddenly conscious and walked out of sight soon after.
Tatayo sana si Perci. Gusto niyang sundan si Monique. For once, gusto niyang tanungin kung anong nangyari noong gabing 'yun. Why did she resort into taking his brothers for violence. Just because she was jealous?
He wanted to know how complicated relationships are. Why do people resort into such lengths kung totoong pagmamahal 'yun.
But damn.
Bakit pa siya aasa sa totoong pagmamahal ngayon.
Truth is, he has never witnessed any real, all consuming love before— but his brother's and Lee's. Not even his parents.
Kaya masakit para sa kanya ang lahat. Why did he feel that way?
Naglalakad siya across the dance floor when his phone vibrated in his pocket.
Napahinto siya sa paglakad. The loud noise suddenly became muted. He squinted towards the strobe lights as he felt his heart lurched even more as he sees his brother's name on the caller ID.
He was actually waiting for calls since earlier.
He had a feeling that Lee won't tell his brother a thing kahit na ano pang malaman nito. Lee being Lee that she is. Wala itong gagawin na kahit anong makakasama sa relasyon nilang dalawang magkapatid. Damn nobody will ever imagine the amount of sacrifice she has given for him kahit kapalit 'yung pagmamahalan nito ng kapatid niya. Kaya mas lalong masakit.
Ginagawa nito ang lahat para sa kanya. She was more than a benefactor. More than a life saver. She has been saving him every day from her little actions. Tapos siya pa 'yung gagawa ng malaking hadlang para dito? Gusto niyang saktan ang sarili niya dahil dito. He can't imagine what Lee is thinking. Pero alam niyang hindi 'yun magsusumbong sa kapatid niya o magsasabi ng kahit ano.
But his sister! Hindi niya alam kung anong kayang gawin ng ate Ericka niya. He didn't know what she was trying to do when she went to his room. She even showed his journals to Lee. Kaya hindi niya rin alam kung anong pwede nitong sabihin sa kuya niya.
Bumuntonghininga si Perci bago siya naglakad palabas ng Ragnanival, at sinagot ang tawag kung saan matahimik na.
"K-kuya?"
("Where are you?")
He was trying to detect the tone in Odyssey's voice. But he sounded neutral.
"Uhm. Sa Rag."
("Rag?") Perci heard his brother sigh. ("Anong ginagawa mo diyan? Umuwi ka nga sa bahay. Check your ate.")
"Sinong ate?"
("Ate Lee mo. Nag-uusap kami kanina na pupunta siya dito sa ospital. Pero hanggang ngayon wala pa rin. Hindi naman ma-contact. Tinatawagan ko na rin si Mizzy.")
"Ha?" Perci felt like a nerve popped in his head. This was the last thing he imagined. Kinakabahan siya na baka umalis ito nang dahil sa nalaman. "No... No..."
("Anong no?")
"I will find her. I promise I will find her."
("What are you talking about?")
Halos gusto nang ibato ni Perci ang telepono niya but he tried to remain calm.
"Kuya, baka kailangan mo na ulit bumalik ng bahay. Please. Baka may nangyari."
("Anong nangyari?!") There was already tension in Odyssey's voice. ("What the hell happened Perseus?")
July 15, 2019, 12mn
Perci's ears are ringing. Parang umakyat na sa ulo niya lahat ng dugo sa katawan. Hindi niya mapapatawad 'yung sarili niya kapag umalis si Lee nang dahil sa kagagawan niya.
"Shit. Shit!" Hindi niya halos mabuksan ang pintuan ng gate dahil sa pagkataranta.
He was thinking that if what happened in the morning was the last time that he sees Lee, buong buhay niyang pagsisisihan na nabangga at inalalayan niya itong tumayo.
Baka dapat hindi niya na lang ito hinawakan!
Baka dapat hindi niya na lang sinulat 'yung mga 'yun?
O baka hindi niya na lang dapat itinago.
Baka dapat hindi niya na lang naramdaman lahat ng 'yun.
"Ate Lee!" Sigaw niya nang tuluyan na siyang makapasok. Hindi niya hahayaang umalis ito. Hindi niya hahayaang mawala ito sa buhay ng kuya niya. Sobrang dami na nilang pinagdaanang dalawa. Ang iba pa doon, for his sake.
"Ate Lee!" Umakyat siya sa taas at kumatok sa kwarto ni Lee. "Ate, nandiyan ka ba?!"
Binuksan niya ang pinto.
Only to find Ericka there. Sitting on the floor. Looking at Lee's things this time.
"Anong ginagawa mo dito!?" He was horrified. Hindi niya alam kung anong klaseng tao ang pinapasok ng kuya niya sa bahay nila. At first he thought he just couldn't remember her, so there is a bit of animosity in his part.
Siya pa nga ang unang nakausap nito noong una itong magpunta dito sa bahay nila before his kuya came home. He treated her so well, dahil ate niya ito. But he is now realizing that having the same blood can't make you a real family. Because a real family won't do something like this.
"You guys are back."
"Anong ginagawa mo dito?!" He yanked her up from her arms to prop her up.
"Perci! Nasasaktan ako!"
"Lumabas ka! This is not your place!" Perci's sinus is hurting from his pent-up emotions. Hindi lang kasi 'yun kwarto ni Lee, pinakaiingat-ingatan din 'yung lugar ng kuya niya.
"If it isn't locked, it means you can enter!" Ani Ericka nang makalabas sila at nang isara ni Perci ang pinto ng kwarto ni
"So kaya pala pinakealaman mo 'yung kwarto ko?"
May gulat sa mga mukha ni Ericka. Something Perci didn't understand. Kung sasabihin nito kay Lee ang mga laman ng journal niya, bakit sa reaksyon ng ate Ericka niya ay parang ayaw nitong malaman niya ang pinaggagawa nito.
"Who told you?"
"Who told you to go into my room and read my stuff? Hindi ba sinabi ko na, you can't just go there!"
"I... I was just looking!"
"Eh anong sinabi mo kay ate Lee?"
Hindi nagsalita si Ericka.
"Anong ibig sabihin 'nun? Why are you only using those against ate Lee? Anong sinabi mo sa kanya? For god's sake, kapag ikaw ang may kinalaman kaya wala pa siya, I swear hindi ko alam gagawin ko sa'yo ate. Hindi ka mapapatawad ni kuya."
"Anong sinasabi mo? I'm your sister!" Ericka looks panic-stricken.
"What did you tell her?!" Sumigaw si Perci ng pagkalakas
"Perci. Perci." She tried to approach Perci pero umiwas ito. "Perci... you and your brother are the only people who can rely on each other now. Hindi kayo pwedeng magkasiraan."
"Hindi kami masisira! Bakit kami masisira? My god, ate Ericka. Ikaw ang sisira sa'min."
"Don't say that... Just because of a girl?!"
"She's not just a girl! Siya ang bumubuo kay kuya!" Perci is now overanimated with his actions. Still under the influence of alcohol and all the feelings that he has been brewing since earlier. Gusto niyang sumigaw. Gusto niyang manakit.
Pero wala siyang magawa kaya humarap na lang siya sa pader. He rammed his fist against it and yelled his frustrations.
"Ahh!"
"At siya rin ang bumubuo rin sa'yo?" This time, Ericka faced him and the issues at hand. "Gusto mo siya? Perci. Hindi ka masisisi ni ate. Baka inakit ka niya at—"
"What the fvck are you saying!?"
"Paanong isa lang magugustuhan niyo? Paanong mahal mo din pala 'yung babaeng 'yun bata pa lang kayo? What kind of relationship is that?! You can't have a messed up dysfunctional family like our parents? Hindi pwede."
"Ate! Hindi mo alam ang sinasabi mo? Bakit ka ba bumalik sa'min?!"
"Perci. Ayaw ko na nga siya para sa kapatid mo eh. Ikaw din? Pero kung hindi mo mapipigilan na magkagusto kay Lee, dapat lang siyang umalis."
"Shut up!"
"Your brother and I can't fight over a girl."
"Nabasa mo ba lahat!?"
"I know that you love Lee. You even said you saw her first. Mas nauna mong nakilala, pero kuya mo ang minahal."
A shadow blocked them from the ceiling light.
Hindi nila namalayan na nakabalik at nakaakyat na pala si Odyssey.
"Perci." Odyssey's cold voice resounds the air.
*later*