Chapter 24 - Willing To Pay
I started painting my face for volleyball games, and found a stash of pom poms in a storage room in the gym. It had been years since we had cheerleaders, but all of their old stuff was still being stored. I thought about taking one of the old uniforms, but I decided that might be pushing it. I could finally understand why girls got excited to have a boyfriend on 'the team.' Cheering for your partner was fun! Something about seeing Kelly out there competing with other girls awoke a primal feeling of wanting to win the battle. I felt pride when 'my girl' did something amazing.
More and more, though, it started to chaff that I couldn't actually tell anyone. I couldn't let people know why I was suddenly getting into my sister's games like never before. Sometimes I sat by parents of girls on the team, and I had to make sure I cheered just as loudly for everyone else as for Kelly. It only made matters worse that the two weeks since Kelly had dinner at my house were filled with talk of Homecoming.
"Where should we go to eat before the dance?" Kristy asked me one day as I drove her home after practice.
"I don't know," I shrugged.
"How come you don't sound excited? You'll have an actual date this time!"
"Will I? It doesn't really feel like a date."
"What do you mean?"
"Just what I said. We can't hold hands, dance every dance together, kiss on the dance floor and get scolded by the chaperones...maybe not even sit together at dinner."
"Are you mad at Kelly for not coming out?" Kristy sounded worried.
"No. I'm just...frustrated at the circumstances. I have an awesome girlfriend, finally, but I can't actually be her girlfriend when anyone's around. Maybe it's superficial, but I always looked forward to the social aspect of being part of a couple."
"I get it. You know, Kelly is dying to brag about having you as her girlfriend, right? Pixie and I get sick of hearing about you all the time whenever the other girls aren't around. I know way more about what it's like to kiss you than any sister should."
I laughed at that. "I know. I'm not mad at her. I'm mad at her mom and step-dad. I guess I just wonder when I will be able to have a girlfriend publicly. Let's say Kelly and I stay together for the long haul. Will it be three years until I can hold her hand in public?" I shook my head and waved my hand in the air. "Never mind. One day at a time. I don't want to think about that right now. Should I even go to eat with you guys? I never did before. Maybe the other girls will suspect something. It would look weird if I went with you guys instead of my friends."
"I thought about that. Shogun has a date, of course. DJ, Mey, and I all have dates. Rizzy and Pixie bought a couple's ticket. You and Kelly could get a couple's ticket just like Rizzy and Pixie, and go together. Nobody would have to know it was a real date."
"I saw how you tried to slip that in under the radar. Who are you going with?"
She smiled and looked away. "Darian is coming up with a couple of his friends. They're going with Mey and DJ."
I considered this in silence for a minute. "This boy is driving six hours one-way to go to a dance with you? Exactly what did you promise him?"
"Nothing! Oh my god, Analee! I think he really likes me. We talk all the time, you know. He hasn't seen anyone since we...made a connection. I kind of like him, too," she added as she looked away again.
"Are you blushing? Is my sister blushing? Hang on, I need to get a picture of this." I acted like I was going to get my phone out.
Kristy punched my shoulder, "Stop it! You're driving! So, what do you say about the date-that's-not-really-a-date-but-it-really-is?"
"Would Kelly be okay with that? There's a difference between Pixie and Rizzy going as a couple and the new girl going with a notorious lesbo-groper. People might assume that I'm looking for something even if they believe she's straight."
"I don't know. She's your girlfriend. Ask her."
Kelly and I managed to sneak in a date on Sunday afternoon. I took her to a little place I liked to go near the community college about forty minutes away. There was an area of town with a lot of little shops in several different buildings. It was like a miniature version of what I imagined Greenwich Village had been like back in the day, with coffee shops, various stores specializing in tie-dye, hemp jewelry and clothing, faux hippy fashion, retro music, etc. They were mixed in with more 'respectable' clothing stores. On Saturdays they had a farmers' market. It even had a little gallery that sold art supplies. Works of local artists were displayed here and there.
We were taking a little snack break at one of the coffee shops that specialized in giant muffins when I decided to ask about Homecoming.
"So, Kristy thinks nobody would suspect anything if we got a couple's ticket and went to Homecoming together like Pixie and Rizzy. What do you think?" Her eyes went a little wider and she looked down at the table before taking another bite.
"Never mind," I said. "I told Kristy I didn't think you'd want to do that."
"It's not that I don't want to, Ani. I just...I know lots of people will be taking pictures and posting stuff. If somebody says something about us being a couple, or tags me in it, and my mom sees it-"
"Do you really think she's cyber-stalking you?"
"I don't know. Maybe. I kind of hope so, in a way. I'd like to think she cares about what I'm up to."
"I get it. It's okay. I can just go with my friends." I don't think I hid my disappointment well.
"Are you mad?" Kelly asked quietly.
"No," I said. I took her hands. "I'm not mad at you for not knowing what to do about your mom. I do worry about it, though."
"Like what? What do you worry about?"
"Well, I know it puts a huge strain on you. It must. Always having to hide and worry about if we're going to run into somebody we know. I guess, I feel like we're both a source of joy and a source of anxiety in each other's lives. I wish we could just be sources of joy. Sometimes I wonder if you're going to come to the conclusion that a relationship with me isn't worth the possibility of your mom finding out."
"Ani, don't say that!" She gripped my hands tighter and looked almost panicked. "It's because of you I actually feel like I'm worth something to someone. I feel like if you think I'm valuable, then I must be. I'll figure out a way to make it work with my mom someday. I promise!"
"Okay! Okay," I said, trying to calm her down. I hadn't been expecting that much of a reaction. "I'm just worried about you. It isn't fair to you to have to deal with your mom and step-dad's hangups."
"And it isn't fair to you to not be able to go to your senior Homecoming with your girlfriend. I know you deserve to be with someone who isn't scared to really be with you." She looked miserable, like she could cry if pushed far enough.
"Kelly, I would rather be with you inside the closet than outside with someone else. Of course I'd rather be completely out with you, but if this is the price of dating you, then I'm willing to pay it, honest." I hoped I sounded like I was talking with complete conviction.
Kelly's eyes were shiny and looking into mine as if she was searching for something. As I looked back into her eyes, I realized I was certain. The girl across from me deserved my patience and understanding. She was more than worth it. Kelly must have found what she was searching for in my eyes, because her face relaxed, and she smiled.