so I'm having this weird writer's block thing, I have so many ideas for so many songfics I just don't have any motivation to write... help me... I'm trying so hard to write the next chapter but I just had to stop after every paragraph just because I don't have any motivation. I have all the ideas but I just don't have the mind. this is also the problem with my art, it's getting sloppier by the second, this is why I can't finish the new year's special because I don't know how to. mistakes are everywhere and I don't know what to do. maybe it's because of my anxiety I don't know, it's been affecting me more and more these days because I'm working harder on school and crap. the problem is my mom doesn't believe there is such thing as anxiety so I can't do anything about it. she doesn't believe in mental problems and stuff so I can't tell her I might have anxiety and depression, she'll just give me this big speech about how I'm giving myself problems and that I'm just trying to find excuses.
I'm feeling extra useless lately, I can't sleep (and of course, my mom doesn't believe that either, she just think I'm reading in bed) so I'm really tired in the day. also, I can't write and I'm forcing myself to but the end result is always to crappy to post so I just end up deleting it. nothing has been working out for me. I have no positive energy left to put in anything and my mom is getting more disappointed in me on everything I do. I feel like I'm living on my tiptoes I could never act like myself around anyone, my friends all judge me on stuff, I'm from china so sometimes I can't pronouns things right and they laugh at me and I just laugh it off like it's no big deal but it really hurts. Wattpad is the only place that will accept me as who I am and I am thankful for that, I'm trying to repay the community by writing and helping on hermittpad but I don't really know what to do on there and I feel like I'm just being useless on it and they are dragging me around.
If you've ever seen me in real life then you'll never know that I have depression. acting is the only thing I'm proud of, no one has suspected that I have depression. (except one friend I told, she had depression) the only reason I love angst story is when I read I feel pain and I cry, it's my emotional relive. but know less and less story are making me cry and I don't know why. (the authors that are reading this plz write sad stories, sadder the better) I feel self-conscious on everything, and mostly spelling because I think I might have a spelling disorder or some kind of crap. (my mom won't believe me on that either) also, I never re-read my chapter befor I post it because I hate it and i don't want to read it, I use Grammarly to help me edit so I don't have to read my crap.
my anxiety is another thing that is affecting me a lot. I'm more nerves on everything I use to do with no problem, I don't really know what made me have anxiety, but the problem is I am a really impulsive person so I make decision before I think it through, so after I made the decision I just feel the anxiety come in and I'll start thinking of everything that can go wrong and then I have to decline it which is also very nerve-racking. after everything I do I think about it and thinking about how everyone is hating me for it and then every time I face them again it's really awkward because there are so many things they could think about me. this is also the reason I ask so many questions just to make sure I do the right thing but after I ask the question I feel like people think I'm a try-hard, suck up, but I'm really trying to do the right thing.
the thing is that I don't really want to live anymore, everything I do have a problem with it and I don't want to live if I can't live like myself. I feel like no one will expect me if I acted like myself, no even wattpad. this is the most transparent I'll be I think, this is the only place I can express myself without getting yelled at. and I still think I'll get hated on I'm not sure. I know what I posted on I_love_Polar_Bears I'm going AFK thing and I said I've been through it and everything on not letting go, not dying and stuff. I'm not going to suicide, I'm just praying that I die soon from natural causes. I don't like to show my face because I don't think I'll be good enough. people have called me ugly befor and I know but it just hurt when people say it. I'm a Christian so I know I shouldn't suicide but I really want to have a relive on everything. I'm trying so hard on my grades but It's just slipping out of my grip. I'm sorry about this rant but I really have to get this out of my system... I hope you guys wouldn't hate me for this. I could have used this time I type this out to write a chapter ughhhhhh this is why I hate myself. ok bye, hope to see you soon. (unless I die yay)
-useless Stuffy :)