i eased into the situation. realising what i had done hours later. not hours later after it happened but hours after ethan left. we spent that night drinking bottle of wine after bottle of wine, observing not what we had just done but how we didn't care.
we didn't care enough to even speak about it but about everything else in the world.
"we never went to italy. i always wanted to. you know that." i sigh. the drink taking over my body.
"i wanted to aswell! i always liked shit on instagram about it."
"well, you can like pictures but did you go there?"
i laugh.
"i have been there. just not with you." i lean over and hit him in the chest. "what? i went with gray" he smirked. he teased. he loved to tease.
"well i went to loads of places without you too." i fold my arms, holding my wine glass up still.
"we went everywhere together. tell me where?" he raised his eyebrows.
"i was talking about after we broke up."
"when we was that?" he teased yet again.
i grinned. "you're stupid."
"don't you think we are both stupid?" ethan mutters. he's extremely tipsy by this point. holding the wine glass so perfectly in his huge hand.
"stupid when?" i question.
"well we were so young and we had money we could of just ran off. i hated people then, i wouldn't of cared." i bit my lip at his statement.
"you would of ran and left gray? no chance. how is he anyway?" the red nails looking so pretty against the cold wine glass in my hand.
"good. good. great actually. just at the gym or at work most of the time."
"mhm" i hum.
"why?"
"so grayson didn't stay with elizabeth?"
"nah. she kinda just stopped talking to him? it was weird but i guess it affected him enough to not stay in any relationship. with anyone for that matter."
"with you?" i raised my eyebrows in shock.
"me and grayson will always be together. i just mean like he must of fucked everyone in la instead of tryna find a solid girl. he just doesn't care. it's just a coping mechanism."
i giggled. "that's so funny to me."
"why? gray used to kinda do it anyway before elizabeth?" ethan placed his wine glass down and pour some more of malbec inside of it.
"i know. i know. he just seemed too good to do that. anyone who fucked grayson must fall in love after. i would." i teased. so meanly teased. i send him a glare before sipping on my wine.
"oh really huh?" he rolled his eyes.
"i bet he's great in bed. knows what he is doing." i moved my eyes to my feet. i couldn't look at him or i'd laugh.
"emma don't make me do things i'll regret later."
"you've already accomplished that ethan. but look. i am just saying he's a very charming guy and it would be impossible to fuck him and his godly body, to just leave and never speak again." i shrugged.
"how is aaron?" he squinted at me. crossing his arms.
"don't." i laugh at him.
"did he fill that hole i left in you once we were over?you got with him pretty quick didn't you em?" he was angry. really angry at me.
this took a turn. the wheel was in his hand, we was bound to go the wrong direction at some point. he was a reckless driver.
"yeah guess he did." i turned my nose up at him.
"that's funny because it was pretty simple to get you into bed."
"you're a dick." i turned my glass and chucked the wine at him. i was very drunk at this point. so was he. mistakes we proceeded to make, i suppose.
"are you that mad about it all?"
"about what ethan? mad that everything turned to shit when you left? yeah maybe."
"i left? i left?! emma you fucking broke up with me. but yeah sure i left you." he continued to laugh at me causing me to see red. he was in disbelief.
"it's fucking true! you left me when you decided to let social fucking media decide if we were a fucking couple or not. at least aaron never hid me away like you did."
i could cry. but i'm not showing him that, ever again. he doesn't mean shit.
"our fans wanted different things for us too!" he shouts.
"no you wanted different things! they wanted us together. they really did. can you ever blame yourself for once? maybe it was you. you were the problem"
he scoffed, pouring himself another drink. "you're a fucking idiot. emma, you really think that they wanted us together? if they wanted us together they would not of exploited our relationship as much as they did."
offended, i snap back. "because they loved us and cared. it was the not knowing that they exploited. if you just came out and said that we were together, they would have nothing to expose." the truth spilled out and i sat down.
"you could of told them, why me? because i'm the man?"
"i fucking tried. the polaroid's in the background? pictures of us from olivias party? the footage of you i would include in vlogs that i shouldn't of? i did my part." i pointed at my chest."you were shit, you were a shit boyfriend and you're blaming your fans for it. low, but expected." i screw my face up at him.
a pause awaited us, time accompanied us and love was in the next hotel room. all of it there but not quite with us.
my face dropped. i didn't mean it.
he turned and it is because tears were forming and he didn't want me to know my words got to him. he faced the window, looking out.
i didn't cry because i wouldn't allow myself to. but i allowed my aching soul and i held onto him. held onto all that we had because i was used to that. i was used to saying sorry.
"i'm sorry." i mumble into the back of his shirt. he sighed.
"don't be. it's true. i did shit." he held onto my hand. "but i can't change it emma. i can't change the past. i loved you so bad. so so bad but i wanted to keep us safe from all the toxicity that wanted us. i'm not a villain." he sniffed.
i close my eyes. "our story didn't have a villain in it. so let's just stop searching for one." i smiled.
"i like that idea." he turned, brining me into his embrace. kissing my head. "i have to get back."
that stung. it hurt like a bleeding wound. he would now go back to her, allowing this to leave his mind- when it was at the front of mine. but if aaron were here, that might not of been the case.
the first time seeing ethan since we broke up and we fucked. and we fought. whilst both so close to marriage with other people.
"okay." i smiled.
"but i wanna see you again i-"
"we can't-"
"don't emma please, no don't."
"okay."
"there's a new year's eve party me and gray are holding. i'll text you the details. you just have to text me first." he smirked a little, grabbing his belongs.
we walked to door and i sighed. he has to leave. and i don't wanna wait. his tanned face, carved with his stubble and freckles i used to count. his big oversized hoodie complimented his posture although it shouldn't. his hands so big and warm but not in mine anymore.
i already missed him.
"thanks for tonight." he mumbled.
"it's okay. i'm glad you stopped by." i look him up and down. god, he still got it.
"stop checking me out or i'll never be able to leave." he bit his lip.
"maybe i want that." i copied, biting my lip back.
"i'm scared if i don't go now though, i'll never leave."
"is that so bad?" i shrug.
"it is when you have someone waiting at home."
my heart dropped. it all hit me then and there. aaron. it's like that feeling you get before you die and you're hit with millions of memories. i saw ethan, aaron, grayson, san francisco, la- all of it. and i saw him.
"oh my god. what have we done?" i automatically felt sick. i slid my hands through my hair, looking at ethan with my eyes nearly falling out of my head. i sob. "bye ethan."
"by-"
i ran back inside. pacing the room. am i really that fucking dumbfound by this stupid man? i hate him. everything about him and what comes along with him.
i had cheated on aaron. spent the night with ethan and talked like i didn't have a fiancé . so reckless. maybe i was the driver... what am i gonna fucking do?
i am gonna tell aaron obviously but i don't wanna ruin his time away. i'm such a stupid bitch. i should of closed the door when i saw his face.
my phone went off and the sick taste revealed itself in my mouth again. i answered.
"baby. god, i miss you. you okay?" his soft voice says.
"i am- i am fine yeah yes. i'm good. are you? how are you?" i sobbed.
"are you crying?"
"no. well yes but over a movie. you know me." i fake giggle.
"i do. and you're great. that's why i'm coming home early."
"what!"
"don't be too excited baby." he giggled.
"the wedding though?" i shake.
"it's in 2 days, then after that. im all yours."
"oh that's amazing. i gotta go."
i ended the call and ran to the toilet. throwing up my shame and crying away like a baby. how dare i do this to aaron. he did everything for me.
i deserve nothing but shit. i was a mess. staring into space and sitting on this fucking toilet seat. what have i done? why have i done this?
because it's your ethan, emma.
he isn't mine! he gave up his place a long time ago. was i over him? no and i'm still not but that's no excuse to cheat. i'm a monster. truly.
•
she kinda dumb, we love her tho.
hope u enjoyed. love u all <3